to think about leaving London

[monkeymagical]

I've been with DP for 11 years – but it feels like things are at a breaking point for me. I just don't like being around him. He is difficult, negative about everything, very unaffectionate, doesn't care about anything I'm going through but expects me to listen to him complain about every single little thing in his life (apparently it's all so much more important than what is happening in my life as he earns more and "funds our lifestyle"). Tbh, I feel as if I spend proportionally much, much more of my salary trying to fund the lifestyle he has decided he wants to live. I'm just over it. Things used to be fun but they are just not any more. As you can probably guess, I'm thinking of leaving.

I won't be able to afford to stay in London if I leave unless I live in a studio or with flatmates, neither of which I want to do. Is it unreasonable to be thinking of leaving behind everything I know (friends etc) after making such a big life decision? Will I hate it? And, where is a nice place for a single 38 year old with a dog to move to? I work from home so don't need to be near any particular place for work, but also don't know anyone anywhere else. I'd like to be able to afford at least a two-bedroom place with access to a garden / balcony. I kind of just want to go back to my home country and be with friends and family, but wouldn't be able to bring my dog with me without significant issues that I wouldn't put her through.

Please be kind, I'm feeling really fragile right now.

@Crispyturtle I’ve always wanted to do this! I love ocean swimming back home and hate swimming in London lidos!

@willowtree66 such a lovely cottage - but maybe a bit too far for me! I think I need to rent before I buy anywhere to get a feel for the place (plus my savings are tied up in shared property and it will be difficult to sell that for a while for a few reasons)

Bristol is absolutely where I would go if I could leave London
Big enough city to have lots going on. But really easy to get to southwest and to wales and lots of lovely areas with parks in the city. And easy train back to london to see London friends when you want to

Good luck!

Someone may have already said this, but have you thought about Whitstable? You can rent a little house for way less than £2000, it’s by the sea, lots of lovely little shops, bars etc and a quick train ride back to London. That’s where I would escape to!

If you need to get back to London occasionally, take a look at some of the commuter towns (Harlow, Broxbourne, Stevenage etc)
If you're done with London, think about one of the small cities (Worcester, Norwich, Derby etc)
If you want to be near the seaside and want to avoid Brighton, take a look along the Norfolk/Lincolnshire coast - so much cheaper than Brighton!

Y suggestion is south wales a! Beautiful coastlines (the gower) then cities for what you need. Happy to give more specifics if you wanted to DM! I used to
live in London and now live here (I am 36)

I was going to suggest coastal Ireland until I realised you’re from NZ, and not the EU.

Take at look at the villages of coastal Fife, and North & South Queensferry. I don’t know your budget, admittedly it’s not bargain prices, and a lot of people have fled London post-covid for Edinburgh and the environs, but it’s still not London expensive. It’s also a picturesque area, popular with tourists, lots of nice little enclaves near beautiful beaches, and as there is a mad amount to do in Edinburgh, it mightn’t be quite such a culture shock post-London living as heading to some other places that are ostensibly ‘closer’ would be.

Also, there’s a well-served international airport, and good rail links, so London isn’t far by train or plane, for work or friends, and being a city itself, though small, there’s a cosmopolitan atmosphere; many citizens of the world have made it their home.

Being from NZ, you may also appreciate Scottish scenery. Could always take a wee trip up and see 🫶

Just wanted to say how exciting and hope your new start brings lots of joy! With a dog and freedom you’re set for a great time ahead :)

Do you want children?

If not, many many good suggestions here. If yes, 38 is a difficult age. 5 years earlier and you'd have a bit of time to figure things out. 5 years later (my current age!) and your chance of being able to conceive naturally or with IVF would be really quite low, so you'd have to regard it as something that might just possibly happen but was probably not possible.

At 38, if I wanted children, and not with Mr 'funding our lifestyle', my main concern would be working out who to have them with and, if deciding to go it alone, where to live that would be a supportive place as a single parent. East Oxford wouldn't be a bad fit. Not nearly as expensive as London (or other parts of Oxford), small enough to feel like a city (a tolerant one with good food), small enough to meet new friends easily, and lots of single men!

I’d recommend Norwich. It’s a beautiful city and easy access to the coast by train or car. You will be very comfortable on that income. Loads of places to go out to eat / pubs / music / art etc. Its far more lively than Cambridge which is horribly expensive and has a more transient community of people coming and going. Norwich is like a smaller / safer / cleaner / cheaper version of Bristol or Brighton, with lots of creative trendy lefties, not your typical provincial cathedral city at all. Fairly international too because of the 2 Universities. I just came back from a weekend visiting family there, and in your situation it’s absolutely where I’d go, not some sad boring commuter town or somewhere full of retirees.

@hopsalong unfortunately yes – and it's part of what is leading me to the decision to leave (I won't go into details as it's pretty outing – but it's become very clear that our priorities around having a family are very different). I'm pretty devastated tbh as I know my time is running out and I just can't see how I'm going to recover from the dissolution of an 11 year relationship (which I know will be very, very messy) and meet someone I actually want to start a family with before it's too late. And, from what I've heard, at my age it's pretty much a waste of money to freeze eggs..

Devon has two cities and two national parks and plenty of coastline with Cornwall just down the road. There are cheaper areas that still have coastal access. We moved from London to an affordable part of Devon and I can walk to sea bathing area from my house. Dartmoor is close by for dog walking.

I'd stay close to friends in London. Have a look along the train line from King's Cross heading north. So Barnet, Potters Bar, hatfield, welwyn, stevenage and up to Hitchin / Cambridge

I agree with this.

Look at the mainline stations which come into the area you currently live eg if you’re near Paddington look at the trains out to Reading.

If you're used to a big city I wouldn't go full rural, it'll be too much of a culture shock and reality will hit hard after a few weeks. Some good suggestions of large towns/small cities on here.

I think it's more about areas of deprivation. Crime is much higher Where I live it's minimal in my village but a few miles away may be a different story.

If you want to meet someone new I’d stay in London - you want to be somewhere with the biggest pool of single eligible men. I don’t fancy your chances in Devon.

I second the above. Really like Bristol and Bath and it’s not that far to come to London and see your friends

Well done on reaching this decision. Your partner sounds very selfish and controlling too. I’ve been there with subtle control - getting the hump when wanting to do things alone/with friends- and honestly the joy that comes with being able to be your true v self and just breath is amazing.

I know you are getting a few people suggesting you just come home. I’m a kiwi living in NZ and my advice is to really, really think that through. Moving home from London was a huge adjustment for me, as it is for most people, and that is a lot on top of your break up.

I live in Auckland and it’s just so suburban, even compared to similar sized cities overseas (I’ve also lived in Dublin which is way more lively for its size). It’s not a total dead zone, but people are much more inclined to socialise within existing groups (and socialise at home). That might suit you, but it also might feel really claustrophobic. There is also eye watering house prices to consider, low wage economy, and the distance from everywhere. I’m not trying to put you off, I’m happy I came home but objectively my quality of life is lower.

In the Uk, I bloody loved living in York. Lively social scene, good transport links, gorgeous historical town and pretty countryside, and friendly people. No coast but not far from lovely spots like Whitby and Robin Hoods Bay. I miss it more than London!

Finally, I was you, almost to the exact circumstances, and a met a new partner at 39 and had my first child at 42. No one knows what’s in store, but even if that hadn’t happened I am so glad I left. Arohanui

OP what did you decide to do?!
Sorry I just read this whole thread and wonder where you ended up. I hope you’re happier where you’re at now! (Also, I was thinking maybe you’d like Folkestone!) 😀