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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think about leaving London

96 replies

monkeymagical · 15/02/2023 16:29

I've been with DP for 11 years – but it feels like things are at a breaking point for me. I just don't like being around him. He is difficult, negative about everything, very unaffectionate, doesn't care about anything I'm going through but expects me to listen to him complain about every single little thing in his life (apparently it's all so much more important than what is happening in my life as he earns more and "funds our lifestyle"). Tbh, I feel as if I spend proportionally much, much more of my salary trying to fund the lifestyle he has decided he wants to live. I'm just over it. Things used to be fun but they are just not any more. As you can probably guess, I'm thinking of leaving.

I won't be able to afford to stay in London if I leave unless I live in a studio or with flatmates, neither of which I want to do. Is it unreasonable to be thinking of leaving behind everything I know (friends etc) after making such a big life decision? Will I hate it? And, where is a nice place for a single 38 year old with a dog to move to? I work from home so don't need to be near any particular place for work, but also don't know anyone anywhere else. I'd like to be able to afford at least a two-bedroom place with access to a garden / balcony. I kind of just want to go back to my home country and be with friends and family, but wouldn't be able to bring my dog with me without significant issues that I wouldn't put her through.

Please be kind, I'm feeling really fragile right now.

OP posts:
RiktheButler · 15/02/2023 17:20

I can't believe nobody has mentioned Birmingham. Vibrant city, cheaper than almost everywhere already suggested, not all that far from London... I moved here from Lonfon 6 years ago with zero regrets

starpatch · 15/02/2023 17:23

Having moved out of London I am tempted to say stay if you can, but I am older and also not very outgoing so maybe not a good comparison. But definitely look into shared ownership resales in London, you would be eligible after a seperation (even if you own together). If you move out I would go for somewhere a bit larger and with a younger population eg reading.

mumsneedwine · 15/02/2023 17:24

Most beaches have a dog friendly area all year round. The popular bits don't want them in the summer. But there always somewhere nearby that lets them run on the sand.

SteveBuscemisRheumyEye · 15/02/2023 17:24

Sheffield!

MyCatIsAnnoyinglyCute · 15/02/2023 17:27

I live in Nottingham, it has brilliant transport links, trains straight to London or Birmingham, tram into town and near the M1. It’s near the Peak District/Derbyshire/Yorkshire so great for the outdoors but also for city life. Great parks and outdoor space. I actually rarely go into town as our local high street is so good. No beach though.

MaybeSmaller · 15/02/2023 17:32

If you're after something coastal and your work doesn't geographically tie you to "down south" then have a look at places in Northumberland. Some beautiful coastal villages and lovely beaches. Literally everyone has a dog (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration!) so things tend to be very dog friendly. You could also look at the area around Newcastle, maybe somewhere like Tynemouth if you want something closer to a city with more going on.

Original poster
monkeymagical · 15/02/2023 17:39

thank you for all these suggestions. I actually feel a bit teary reading them – but I think that's just everything getting on top of me! It honestly doesn't even feel real yet that I'm considering leaving. DP will be totally blindsided – I think he's so caught up in his own life that he has barely noticed how miserable I am or the effect that his behaviour has on me. It's going to be really messy and awful. I think I need to get everything sorted out in advance as I don't have any close friends I could stay with while doing so.

OP posts:
Lavenderfowl · 15/02/2023 17:42

Can you take some time away from work and go away for a few days just to think/feel/unwind a bit? It’s a big step you’re taking but totally doable…just give yourself the time you need to get used to the idea

Original poster
monkeymagical · 15/02/2023 17:50

@Lavenderfowl I'm actually going to stay with some friends who are visiting next week without DP – hopefully that gives me some time to think. Although DP has already made noises about being unhappy that I'm going. He always finds reasons that I shouldn't do things without him. It's exhausting.

OP posts:
Camdenish · 15/02/2023 17:55

I wonder how you’d feel moving really north, somewhere on the coast but near Newcastle?

cherrypopsicle · 15/02/2023 17:58

Not sure how far north you would consider but on that salary you should comfortably be able to afford a decent house with a garden up here, with lots of choices for cities near the coast - thinking Newcastle/Durham/Sunderland. I literally live 10 mins drive from the city centre, 5 mins from the coast and about 10 mins to lovely parks. But it can be very cold, wet & windy as well.
If I was looking to move a little southIfrom here I would definitely consider Leeds and York as I absolutely love both
And it's only about 3 1/2 hours to London by train so not really a huge inconvenience for visits

TheVanguardSix · 15/02/2023 18:00

My friend and her dog moved from London to Golant in Cornwall and she hasn’t once looked back. Lovely community! She’s a keen kayaker and sailor. Her dog is like a totally different dog! A new lease of life for them both! It’s been two and a bit years. It was an excellent choice for her.

Floppyelf · 15/02/2023 18:01

Try Penrith/ Carlisle in the lake district. Both big enough towns but close to nature etc.

Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 15/02/2023 18:09

Cornwall is full of Londoners so I’m sure you’ll fit right in…

Greenfairydust · 15/02/2023 18:12

I would definitely make plan to leave and be free :)

I left London just before Christmas to move to a seaside town, one of the reason was to escape an abusive relationship and to move somewhere more affordable, and it the best thing I have ever done.

I work mostly remotely and I am 1.30 hour from London so I still travel to go to the office or to see friends a couple of times a month.

The one thing I would avoid though is moving somewhere too isolated (o maybe not Cornwall) because you might want to change your job at some point and it will be easier if you are somewhere which is still fairly commutable if needed to a big city where there are job opportunities as a lot of jobs are hybrid rather than fully remote these days.

Owlcat42 · 15/02/2023 18:15

I think you’ll definitely be happier if you leave, but if your friends are in London I would try and move somewhere where it’s easy to hop on a train and visit them (or for them to come to you). So you don’t feel completely cut off. Then it depends what you want. Beach walks with the dog? Kent/Suffolk/Norfolk/East Sussex coast. Countryside? Any county not too far from London. Buzz and culture? Maybe Norwich or Cambridge. St Albans is easy into London, as is Amersham and both are nice. Good luck OP x

Lavenderfowl · 15/02/2023 18:20

@monkeymagical that sounds ideal, time on your own but with friends … lots of good suggestions for possible locations and on a direct train plenty of places that are within reach of your friends…although be aware that many Londoners think anywhere outside the capital is too far 😂 so some of your friends will come to you whilst others will expect you to want to come back to them (and I bet you won’t want to be in London much after you’ve discovered life outside it 🙂)

Mirabai · 15/02/2023 18:22

I would just go home. Unless your dog is elderly or infirm - they just go to sleep in the hold, it’s like an overnight at the vet. You can visit during quarantine.

If you really want to stay, or at least for as long as your dog is alive, I would look at towns with good transport links to London - Henley, Marlow, Guildford, Horsham, Tunbridge Wells.

GoldDuster · 15/02/2023 18:22

Bristol or South Manchester both loads going on, within budget, give it a go, you can always go back. I have a couple of friends that have moved to Cornwall in the past decade, there are love it aspects and definite loathe it aspects, but both have settled and wouldn't leave.

Shake him off for a new start, he doesn't deserve you - good luck wherever you go, how exciting!

OnMyWayToSenility · 15/02/2023 18:24

First step is to tell your partner you are no longer funding 'his lifestyle'

Save up and leave

2023gulp · 15/02/2023 18:29

Leigh on Sea? Coastal walks, countryside, but still close to London… you’d need a fair deposit though I guess?

Hope you can save up lots and start a lovely new life with the pup

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/02/2023 18:32

I think if what you really want is to return to your home country where you have family and friends, you should do that.

Moving from the UK with a dog is usually not difficult, but even if it is I would still do it. Your dog will forgive you and settle in your new home, and there seems no reason to strike out totally alone when you have a ready made community in a place you want to be.

Tunnocks091 · 15/02/2023 18:36

Ah New Zealand ok, that would be tough on the little pooch! Have you been to Margate? Loads of 30s people are moving out there from London, especially in the creative industries. Loads going on, friendly young people and beaches you can walk for hours. Definitely check it out for a day / weekend if you’ve never been, it’s really easy on the train!

Ragruggers · 15/02/2023 18:40

Certain places in Cornwall are amazing,train from Penzance to London.Yes a long way but would you want to return to the SE often.I suggest a holiday in Cornwall to get the feel of it.Good luck.