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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To finally give up on teaching?

51 replies

thegreenlight · 15/02/2023 08:06

I lost my dad before Christmas, I buried him last Thursday. We adored each other and it’s been so very hard. I have 2 SEN children and a stressful job as an assistant head. I work full time. I haven’t been myself since he died, I know that. I have had to sort my mum and arrange the funeral. It’s always been at the back of my mind. At a staff meeting last week the whole staff criticised me for not supporting the head enough. Before I lost my dad I was told I was doing too much and to slow down by the same people.

I took a week off on stress after that (it helped me to sort the final arrangements for dad’s funeral which was that week) my husband works away regularly and only came back at 10pm the night before the funeral.

I always described myself as totally passionate about teaching but it’s gone. Some of the children took advantage while I wasn’t myself and I had behaviour management issues for the first time in my 15 year career.

I can’t do this any more. I’ve got nothing left to give.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenlight · 15/02/2023 08:11

I got such wonderful support on here while I was sitting by my dad in hospital for a week before he passed. I need you all again now. Please.

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 15/02/2023 08:15

ok, think practically for a moment.

of you hand in your notice now you would leave when May half term or summer?

financially can you cope? What would you do? Is now the time to be making career decisions?

I absolutely understand why you want to quit - been there! But you must think carefully about what it would mean for you and your family if you did. The lesson you should be learning about teaching here is that it isn’t as supportive and wonderful as you thought it was BUT that is even more reason to look after number one not less x

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/02/2023 08:16

It sounds like you are being treated unfairly by the staff at your school.

I’m so sorry about your dad.

CharmedUndead · 15/02/2023 08:17

I'm sorry for you loss OP. 💐Losing your Dad must have been devastating.

I think, before you make any major decisions, you should take a break. Can you be signed off for more time? You are in the midst of grief and of course you are not feeling passionate
about teaching right now. I am sure that you are just trying to out on foot in front of the other right now.

Have you told dh that you need more support right now? What has his reaction been?

chineapplepunks · 15/02/2023 08:17

I'm sorry for your loss OPFlowers An awful lot of teachers are going through this right now. There are at least 4 at my primary school who are looking for other jobs because they've lost their passion. Leave and find yourself a job that makes you happy, with people who care about you. Put yourself first!

modgepodge · 15/02/2023 08:19

if this is just a temporary thing since your dad died, I would say try and take a bit more time off instead - go and see the doctor and get signed off for longer. See how you feel in a few weeks. I’m so sorry the staff treated you like that, I can’t imagine how that situation came about that they were able and felt it appropriate to attack you on mass when you are clearly vulnerable.

I am also done with teaching and want out but this is a more longer term feeling and hasn’t been brought on by a very stressful life event.

Original poster
thegreenlight · 15/02/2023 08:19

I’m meant to be at a training conference today - I can’t stand the thought of being in a room with strangers and having to speak and enthuse.

OP posts:
Saunaandsteam · 15/02/2023 08:20

You need to take some time off to recover from your bereavement. It is ok to put yourself first sometimes. Then look at your job. If you can afford it, give up the assistant head role and concentrate on teaching, drop from 5 days to 4 if possible.

Zuve · 15/02/2023 08:22

So sorry to hear this. You are a good teacher and sometimes you just need a break. I work in a supermarket and we get automatic bereavement leave. I took 3 months off when my DH got cancer. If I was in your place I would discuss things with the head before making any decisions you may regret later.

SnoozyVanWinkle · 15/02/2023 08:23

Saunaandsteam · 15/02/2023 08:20

You need to take some time off to recover from your bereavement. It is ok to put yourself first sometimes. Then look at your job. If you can afford it, give up the assistant head role and concentrate on teaching, drop from 5 days to 4 if possible.

I agree. Although people who drop a day sometimes say that they end up doing just as much work anyway. But I still agree.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/02/2023 08:24

Not sure on the rules in the public sector- but after my dad died I was crying every day going into work, I resigned and my boss said no take a sabbatical. I took 6 months off and it was a game changer.
Sorry for your loss and struggles OP

SnoozyVanWinkle · 15/02/2023 08:24

Sorry, pressed too soon.

It is the time to put yourself first. You aren't a machine.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 15/02/2023 08:26

Don't make any rash decisions. Can you get signed off for a bit first?

I don't think you've had time to properly grieve because you had to arrange the funeral and be strong for your mum. Now you need to take some time for you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP.

Nimbostratus100 · 15/02/2023 08:28

ask for an occupational health referral, OP

It mabe going part time or something similar will give you the time and space to settle, take stock, and make some long term decisions

Dont rush into anything while you are so upset

Maybe right to leave, maybe not, but you need time and healing first

Best wishes xx

ArseMenagerie · 15/02/2023 08:28

Take a sabbatical - as in, yes you might need to quit but call it a career break rather than an end. If you can take a year out and survive on one wage then it may reset and give you time to grieve and regroup your passion for teaching… or time to explore other options

Original poster
thegreenlight · 15/02/2023 08:29

I referred myself to occupational health. As I was still at work they suggested grief counselling after half term. I have this awful flight urge from everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegreenlight · 15/02/2023 08:30

We have just upped our mortgage to renovate our house - this was all in the pipeline before dad got ill. This has all come at the worst time.

OP posts:
schoolsoutforever · 15/02/2023 08:34

I agree with most here. Ask to be signed off for longer - it might be that you have depression/stress brought on by not having had time to process you bereavement. Teaching is unrelenting and exhausting when you are at full health, you need some time to recover. As others have said, perhaps a sabbatical - to study something of interest or something else you can be passionate about too. That way you would give yourself time to consider whether to move on or go back.

BillyNighysWife · 15/02/2023 08:36

OP I really feel for you !

I am a teacher, my dad died a couple of months ago and I have been organising his funeral alone.

The course I was teaching around the time he died was a disaster. I stupidly just carried on, I took hardly any time off, and the poor students suffered. It must have been like having a zombie for a teacher! I think if you have children it’s hard to just stop marching onwards. But, you just need to stop. Properly stop, let the adrenaline out of your body and properly grieve.

It’s really important that you have a break before you collapse, but that doesn’t mean giving up teaching. At some point you might regret the lack of social contact (and the salary!). How about:
Asking for a 2/3 month sabbatical from your present job and then returning?

Going part time?

Resigning, having a break and then doing supply work ?

Take care of yourself!

WonderingWanda · 15/02/2023 08:37

@thegreenlight please go to your Dr and get signed off. You haven't really lost your passion for teaching it's just masked by grief and stress. Teaching is in crisis at the moment and school staff will be critical of their slt when they are struggling, it is not fair and many of the issues in education are the governments fault, slt's are just juggling to keep it all going. I imagine in your long and successful career you would in the past have been resilient enough to roll with it and continue to love your job but right now you aren't able to. Get some time off, deal with your grief, take time to adjust. All will feel better in the summer term and you can reflect again then about whether leaving is the right move.

whoami24601 · 15/02/2023 08:41

Hi OP. I'm a HLTA in a primary school so i get the unique pressure there is in schools to keep going at all costs. My dad died in July last year. I went back in September feeling much like you do now and it was such a mistake. By November I was crying every day after work and spending weekends in bed to recover. School staff can take up to 6 months leave on full pay - use it! I ended up getting signed off for 8 weeks and it has helped so much. In that time I've started going to counselling and now I'm on a phased return to work- currently working 2 days a week. Please ring the doctors and take some time off. Put yourself first Flowers

willingtolearn · 15/02/2023 08:44

So sorry for your loss. Do you think this is part of your grieving process or has it simply accelerated how you have been feeling for a long while?

It sounds like you need a break, which is tricky to achieve in your role. I think you will need to have a honest discussion with your head teacher to say how you are feeling and ask what they can do to help you.

Grief counselling might help long term, but if it's while you're still working full time it might not give you the space you need.

How long that space is, and if that's career break/sabbatical/ bereavement leave/ stress leave is up to what you can obtain/ fits with your life.

I agree with the poster that said don't make long term decisions right now - make short term decisions that give you space to explore long term issues.

You also need to talk to your husband about what support he can offer, but it seems you financially will need to work in some role and I imagine your salary is quite significant and hard to find elsewhere.

It's a tough time for you, I hope you are able to find a way through.

VanillaSox · 15/02/2023 08:46

So sorry for your loss.
I am also a teacher and have been under an awful.lot of stress since September and the problem is that the job is one where you have to be full on in the moment - there is no let up or flexibility as on other jobs.
I had three weeks off with stress at the end of the autumn term and was treated with disdain by colleagues. I have requested part time for next year to ease myself out of teaching (ie to spend the other two days researching other jobs) and if I get will only work on those three days. Rationale us to keep paying for another year into the TPS. Is this a possibility for you?

SleeplessInEngland · 15/02/2023 08:48

I would advise not making any huge decisions while in the fog of grief.

LucyWhipple · 15/02/2023 08:50

Ah OP I’m so sorry for your loss.

You’re grieving. Now is not the time to make big decisions. We are lucky in teaching that we have great sick pay. Use it. Get signed off, take some time to grieve properly and give yourself a break from having to be full on at work as well as at home.

Then you can make any bigger decisions.

But not yet.

Look after yourself and take the time to be in a stronger place emotionally before you make big decisions that you may regret once you’re through this initial period of grief.