To finally give up on teaching?

[thegreenlight]

I lost my dad before Christmas, I buried him last Thursday. We adored each other and it’s been so very hard. I have 2 SEN children and a stressful job as an assistant head. I work full time. I haven’t been myself since he died, I know that. I have had to sort my mum and arrange the funeral. It’s always been at the back of my mind. At a staff meeting last week the whole staff criticised me for not supporting the head enough. Before I lost my dad I was told I was doing too much and to slow down by the same people.

I took a week off on stress after that (it helped me to sort the final arrangements for dad’s funeral which was that week) my husband works away regularly and only came back at 10pm the night before the funeral.

I always described myself as totally passionate about teaching but it’s gone. Some of the children took advantage while I wasn’t myself and I had behaviour management issues for the first time in my 15 year career.

I can’t do this any more. I’ve got nothing left to give.

So sorry you’ve got all this going on.

It’s still so early for you. I lost a parent a couple of months before you and can clearly see now how vulnerable I was in the early weeks and how much it affected my cognitive abilities. I’m still not right but am more robust than in the early weeks.

I agree with posters saying you need to be completely signed off for a while and not make any decisions about work yet - although I totally understand why you’re in flight mode. Seems like you’re exposed in a public way at work while feeling like a raw nerve and not being properly supported by colleagues.

Some people need the distraction of their job from very early on and others absolutely need some extended time off but it probably depends on the situation, the person, the work environment etc.

Personally not sure that ‘grief counselling after half term’ is going to cut it. It’s not even recommended usually in the first 6 months.

Take care, good luck, keep posting if helps x

I left teaching too.

However. You are grieving. I would get signed off with stress for a while and take a breather

You will have to hand your notice in I think it's may?? So give yourself time to think it through.

Teaching is the most stressful job I have ever done and tibso that on top of the stress of a death is unthinkable

I went back in Monday Tuesday trying to be myself - but I woke up this morning and I’m just done. I can’t look my colleagues in the face - they are all acting strange around me. They were really supportive just after he died but it’s been the funeral that has floored me. I keep telling myself I need to get my big girl pants on and move on but teaching is so so very demanding. I just want to hide.

Please go to your GP and get signed off - you need time to recover.

It’s like I should be over it. I always try to be so supportive to them. I feel
like the rug has been pulled from under me.

I thought I could potter along until I was myself again, but it seems if I’m not solving everyone’s problems and running at 100 miles an hour then I’m not of value.

I think you are feeling trapped by the prospect of additional mortgage.

Look at it differently..

do the renovation, this will add value to your house so if you decide to quit, you could downsize with more equity to play with. It will also distract you from work and your grief.

Tell yourself, you can resign at May half term. You'll be amazed at how differently you see your job, thinking about leaving a place often brings the good bits into sharp focus.

Tell yourself repeatedly that it's just a job, do your bestand ignore the criticism.
Unless you are being taken to task by the Head and being put through disciplinary you are obviously doing an ok job.

Cut yourself some slack, you are grieving and not at the top of your game. The colleagues are knobs for not acknowledging this.

You could always step down and carry on as a classroom teacher so that you are not losing your salary completely.

Finally one day at a time.....

Go sick. Grief is a very real thing that can be so hard to deal with and function normally. Take time for you. Do not feel guilty. Your Dad is irreplaceable; no one is irreplaceable in a job situation. Think about what it is you want and if it's to get out of that school then do that. If it's to get out teaching, do that. But don't rush your decision. Use the time you need to heal, let the scars form and to think about what will make your life happier going forward. Talk to your husband.

Please go to your doctor and get signed off. Being that you have been teaching for so long you will be paid full wage for a long long time. Don’t feel guilty about that. You are grieving and your feelings are likely stemming from that. You need to take the time to process that and not make big decisions during your grief. Please give yourself time to work through your grief then make a decision once you have a clearer head.

A normal teaching position is demanding, an assistant head position is even moreso. You have, however, worked your way up to that point and it would be a shame to throw it away. If (when you are feeling better) you feel that what your coworkers did is unforgivable then you can look for another job in your position. Don’t be hasty though.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Every post you have made in this thread shows that you should not be going into work.
Every one who has commented has told you that you really need to take more time off. It is half term but you are still going in to school.
You talk about your colleagues behaviour towards you in a way which suggests that you have completely misread their actions or at least taken it out of perspective, and I really think you should stay away before you say or do something that impacts you professionally long term.
Just go to your GP and get signed off for a few months and give yourself time to grieve. You are entitled to it. Sick leave for school staff is generous for a reason - in this job you need to be physically and mentally fit to have the resilience and tenacity necessary to do the job, it's not like some workplaces where you can coast a bit during down times. It sounds like you have very high standards for yourself, but you must understand that you are coming across like you are about to breakdown. Take the stress leave that you are entitled to. Give yourself a break. Don't make any big decisions while you are feeling so fragile - you don't have to. Just email school right now and say you are taking stress leave, and follow it up with doctors letter once you have one.

I think teaching can be very up and down. I have had periods where I have been very happy with it and sailing along and others where it has been dreadful. This on top of how you are feeling about your dad and also your feeling that people are critical of you makes it worse. Get signed off for a few weeks or simply decide to not give a crap about the people at work for a bit. I used to hate taking time off and still do but I also recognise that when you are at work kids and staff don't make allowances for how you are. They expect the same service. It isn't a job where you can take it easy if you are not 100% so take time if you need it.

I don't think you should do anything drastic while you are feeling so upset. My husband walked out of a job while feeling highly emotional and later did say he wished he had just got signed off by a doctor on sick leave (stress). Even if he just used the time to plan his escape it would have been better than resigning.

We are on your side. The best thing you can do is phone your doctor and say you are feeling overwhelmed since the death of your father. You're not sleeping, you're feeling depressed, you're feeling highly emotional, you are struggling to cope at work. I would be very surprised if you don't get signed off for a few weeks, with the option to extend if necessary.

Be kind to yourself. You need a break. And when you return your colleagues will realise that you need to be treated a bit gentler. I'm a TA and I had 6 weeks off in the past for stress after a parent died and I was struggling to come to terms with it. When I returned I was offered a phased return (though in my case I didn't need that) and lots of sympathy. Maybe this is what you need at this time in your life.

Get signed off to give yourself time to grieve and decide how to move forwards. No one can be expected to do your demanding job and cope with your grief and your current life. Sounds like you are burnt out (as are many teachers). I work in school and they can be the most unsupportive of work places. We care and safeguard the students beyond our brief but not so much our colleagues. Be kind and put yourself first x

I’m so sorry OP.

Grief is a strange thing, it comes and goes. One moment everything is manageable the next it crashes into you. Often it is easier to cope initially when there are practicalities to focus on, and it’s only later, when the loved one’s absence is more noticeable, that things become impossible. It will one day be easier again but it takes at least a year.

This isn’t about teaching vs not teaching, this is about you desperately needing a real break from everyday challenges to process your loss. I’d encourage you to consider a sabbatical or explore other options like online tutoring (I know a deputy head who charges £70/hr for 11+ tuition!).

(Does sound like your colleagues have been a bit shit, perhaps you need a different type of school, like a sixth form college).

Leaving this job doesn’t have to be giving up on teaching permanently, although it can be if that’s what you decide. But now is not the time for big decisions.

Yes absolutely really get signed off. I know I’ve already said you need time off - but the more I read it does sound like you’re at risk for grief going into ptsd territory if you keep going into work atm.

Of course bereavement is a traumata in itself and grief is completely natural, but this seems to be an unbearable amount of stress at this point in your grieving and it’s not meant to be borne - and trying to plough on could put you at risk of needing more time off later

*trauma

I have got myself signed off until half term (so 3 days) I’m going on holiday with my mum at half term which was booked nearly a year ago so I will go and see how I feel after. The head has already been on the phone telling me that she needs me back so I feel really guilty. She really is so so lovely but I don’t want to think about work at the moment.

You need to take a month off. Rest, grieve. See how you feel after that. Don't go rushing into any decisions now.

And dont feel bad about it.

My mum died early in the New Year. My Head said to take off as much time as I needed (only a week as it happened) This was over 40yrs ago. When I eventually retired I found out I was missing a week's worth of pension contribution. The bitch of a witch had not put in down as bereavment time.

I think the advice of not making any major choices within 6 - 12 months of a loss is good. Sounds like you need more time off.

3 days is nothing. In fact you could have self certified for longer.
I would make an appointment to see your doctor on the first Monday back after half term, or at least to speak to them on the phone so they can sign you off for a longer amount of time. Don’t feel pressured by your Head. She is not being lovely if she is making you feel guilty for taking the time you need. It’s not appropriate to tell someone who is suffering with their mental health that you need them back at work. I hope you can see that and won’t feel guilty if you don’t feel ready to go straight back after half term. This is the time to put yourself first and be kind to yourself.

there is no "should" in these situations xx

Agree she is not being lovely in this situation. The problem is schools are under so much pressure the staff aren't allowed to be human beings. You clearly need to be signed off for longer.

Retired teacher here.

I was about to say that an AH/DH's job is only as viable as the HT they are supporting. And that's when everything is normal. Your HT has shown their hand and they do not have your back - sorry for the mixed metaphors. They will not look after you. Only you can do this.

My DH died during the school holiday nearly seven years ago, and I held a middle management position. I was OK, and went back at the start of term but that was in part the luck of the draw, how I felt. It was also down to the support I got: looking back no covers for ages and ages.

You are not getting this support.

Get your self signed off sick. Look at it this way, if you fell under a bus what would they do? No-one, absolutely no-one is indispensable.

So sorry for your loss. Many

I think teaching is a red herring - I don't think many people can feel passionate about anything when they are dealing with the grief and loss of someone very important. Personally I wouldn't be making any major life decisions right now. Get signed off sick for a month or two, heal a little and come back and see how you feel. My DH lost his father last year and he needed about a month off before he properly felt well enough to face work again (also in education though not teaching).