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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can't cope with my grief for my mum and I'm panicking in floods of tears

94 replies

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:25

Over the few days it's been building and building and now I can't cope with it at all. I don't know how to make myself feel comforted, everything feels blank and numb and the future is a terrifying void of nothingness.

I can't derive any peace or contentment from anything as simple as taking a nap. Cups or tea or coffee taste like shit. Nothing has any point and I am panicking. I don't want to do anything, well in theory I want to do loads of things but when it comes to doing things i just feel frozen.

I have a potentially very exciting work contract (my biggest opportunity in several years, no lie) I could do and I can feel it slipping through my fingers, like I'm watching at a distance - it all feels completely stupid and pointless and I have no enthusiasm. Like what is the point doing anything?

I feel very low and stupid and like I'm fucking up my own precious life even more than it's been fucked up already because I've lost all motivation.

I am lucky to have a wonderful partner and now i'm just haunted by the reality that one of us will die and have to leave the other. Obviously, I have always known this is the reality of life but it's like something has flipped in my brain and it's taking the joy out of loving everyone i love.

What do I need to do? I need to quell this somehow do I need anti depressants or something? I am exhausted and it's all built to this and I need it to stop I need to feel calm and ok?

OP posts:

harrysbeard · 15/02/2023 00:28

Sorry to hear this.
It's impossible to know if your grief reaction is normal without knowing how long it has been.

Itisbetter · 15/02/2023 00:29

It does get easier. I promise it does. Just do your best till this wave has passed. Time makes it more bearable.

Original poster

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:30

Three weeks but it doesn't really matter how long it's been, nothing will change no matter what length of time passes.

OP posts:

Stopthebusplease · 15/02/2023 00:30

First of all OP, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can I ask how long ago your Mum died, and also the circumstances, for instance, was it expected, ie a disease or an accident perhaps? These things can all affect your reaction. Have you thought about having any form of counselling? I didn't think I was the sort to benefit from counselling, but to my surprise, and although I only went once, I benefitted enormously from it. Have you talked to your doctor at all about how you're feeling? Perhaps if you can answer some of these questions it might help me and others to give you some advice.

TheBabbaCrunch · 15/02/2023 00:30

My dad died when I was 18. I can totally empathise with everything you have said. However, a decade later and I can honestly say I promise it gets better. I took anti-depressants about 6 months after he died and wish I'd taken them sooner. They didn't heal me (obviously) but they stabilised my feelings and numbed me a little to the void of grief. It may not seem like it now, but your life does grow around it. There is hope there. Life speeds on, whether you want it to or not. You will start to see the good in things again soon... it starts small but it will grow. Allow yourself to feel these things when they start to happen. Sending hugs xx

Original poster

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:32

I lost my first parent in my 20s and had to recalibrate. I'm in my 30s now but this feels too much.

The whole future has been trashed and nothing can ever fix it.

OP posts:

harrysbeard · 15/02/2023 00:32

Three weeks is often the worse time.
And yes you are right it won't go away but you can learn to live with the loss and start getting small joy from things.
I don't think you should be working by the sound of things. For some people it can be a distraction but in your case you simply aren't able to concentrate.

Original poster

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:34

I tried ringing my doctor today and can't get an appointment. Thought I'd try finding a private counsellor but so utterly drained by the thought of having to talk about everything.

OP posts:

BabyOnBoard90 · 15/02/2023 00:36

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:30

Three weeks but it doesn't really matter how long it's been, nothing will change no matter what length of time passes.

Feels like it will never change, but it does.

Take things a day at a time. Past is unchangeable and future is always obscure. Today is all we have.

Good luck

Original poster

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:37

My mum was ill for a few years.

I feel like it's partly my fault she isn't here because I should have known not to trust her doctor and pushed her to go for another opinion. Then maybe she would still be alive.

I did find a better doctor for her primary condition and then this second life threatening condition suddenly sprang up and I wasn't on the ball to spot it in time. And now she's dead so it's my fault.

It's all a massive toxic headfuck.

OP posts:

Original poster

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:38

Today is all we have

Yeah but today is shite. I know I'm ungrateful.

OP posts:

Sarahcoggles · 15/02/2023 00:38

www.cruse.org.uk/

Cruse bereavement counselling may help

TheFauxFighters · 15/02/2023 00:41

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.

Cruse may help give you some comfort and space to offload, at YOUR pace.
www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/

Their wonderful volunteers helped me, when I didn't feel anyone else could possibly 'get' it. Even though I was having in-depth bereavement counselling IRL, being able to ring an anonymous phoneline, at the precise times I was overwhelmed, eased the pain a little.

Wishing you strength x

Icanflyhigh · 15/02/2023 00:41

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:30

Three weeks but it doesn't really matter how long it's been, nothing will change no matter what length of time passes.

I feel this. 5 months for me and as raw as if it was yesterday.

Be kind to yourself op, give yourself a break x

Original poster

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:41

I thought Cruse don't take people before 6 months has elapsed?

OP posts:

TheFauxFighters · 15/02/2023 00:41

@Sarahcoggles
Great minds think alike.

Icanflyhigh · 15/02/2023 00:42

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:37

My mum was ill for a few years.

I feel like it's partly my fault she isn't here because I should have known not to trust her doctor and pushed her to go for another opinion. Then maybe she would still be alive.

It's all a massive toxic headfuck.

It is NOT your fault x

QuinnofHearts · 15/02/2023 00:42

You're allowed to grieve. I lost my daughter last year, followed by my Dad a few weeks later. I felt suffocated by grief. I feel like I lost months, when actually I was just barely surviving. You mention a work contract and I'm going to be blunt; work contracts and opportunities come and go. You need to look after yourself right now. I had courses lined up at work which I lost the places too. At the time that just added onto my grief but looking back, no way could I have handled a masters while trying to learn how to function.

Be kind on yourself, losing a parent is hard. It's like being lost in the dark wood without a torch. Call your doctor to ask to be referred for talking therapy and/or medication to help you sleep and process day to day. I took propanlol to ease panic attacks and a strong sedative at night to let me sleep.

Original poster

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:46

I know losing a parent is hard. I really messed up my Masters degree in my twenties after losing my first.

In fact my twenties were really messy due to the huge grief there when all my friends were excelling in their careers.

Now i'm in my thirties I'm running out of time. I can't spend years in a fog of grief like I did a decade ago. I don't have time.

OP posts:

Sarahcoggles · 15/02/2023 00:47

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:41

I thought Cruse don't take people before 6 months has elapsed?

I've never heard that. My Mum spoke to them very soon after my brother died. Have a look at the website.

Original poster

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:48

I lost my daughter last year

I am so so sorry. Grief for parents is horrific enough, but at least it follows the 'natural order' so to speak. I am so sorry for your loss.

OP posts:

QuinnofHearts · 15/02/2023 00:48

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:46

I know losing a parent is hard. I really messed up my Masters degree in my twenties after losing my first.

In fact my twenties were really messy due to the huge grief there when all my friends were excelling in their careers.

Now i'm in my thirties I'm running out of time. I can't spend years in a fog of grief like I did a decade ago. I don't have time.

Grief doesn't give a fuck about time unfortunately.

Original poster

fourikeachairs · 15/02/2023 00:50

Grief doesn't give a fuck about time unfortunately.

So basically I just accept my twenties and thirties are all dominated by massive grief i that takes years to start feeling remotely ok after?

Then what?

I can't accept this.

OP posts:

Stopthebusplease · 15/02/2023 00:52

Try calling your GP again tomorrow and tell the receptionist that it is urgent. You're in the very early stages of grief still, and from my own experience I can truly say that it seems even worse when you lose your second parent, than when you lost your first, as you suddenly feel, ridiculous as it might sound to someone who hasn't been there, like an orphan. I personally also felt shocked to realise that suddenly there was no longer anyone else older than me to turn to for advice, the older generation to whom I'd always been able to turn, was gone, and worse still, I realised that I was now the older generation. I would strongly suggest that you take some time off work if you possibly can, your doctor may recommend this and sign you off for a while. Take that time to be kind to yourself. Try taking some gentle exercise each day if you can, a walk, the longer the better, is ideal, but if you exercise regularly try and get back to it if you've stopped since you lost your Mum. The endorphins of exercise really do help you feel a tiny bit better. Taking anti depressants may help, although the grief needs to come out at some point, but again, your GP will guide you on this. When my Mum died, I missed her so terribly that I felt I wanted to push my adult daughter away from me, so that when I died she wouldn't feel that dreadful pain that you feel when you lose your Mum, but over time I realised that that was the worst thing I could do. Sadly, grief is the price we pay for love, and like you, even 20 years on, I dread the thought of being left if anything should happen to my DH, as I fear that it really would break me, so your fears on that score are not unusual OP. I think at this stage, all you can do is speak to your GP a.s.a.p. tell them about your job situation, and let them guide you as to the best way to cope with the next few weeks and months. Speaking of work, are your company fully aware of your loss, if not, I would try and speak to your boss, and explain that if you're acting a bit uninterested or not on the ball, at the moment, that this is why? Hopefully they will cut you some slack.

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 15/02/2023 00:52

I'm really sorry to hear about your Mum and it's very understandable that you feel like you do. You've had your Mum there you whole life!
I really hope you feel better soon. It's still very early days.

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