I can't cope with my grief for my mum and I'm panicking in floods of tears

[fourikeachairs]

Over the few days it's been building and building and now I can't cope with it at all. I don't know how to make myself feel comforted, everything feels blank and numb and the future is a terrifying void of nothingness.

I can't derive any peace or contentment from anything as simple as taking a nap. Cups or tea or coffee taste like shit. Nothing has any point and I am panicking. I don't want to do anything, well in theory I want to do loads of things but when it comes to doing things i just feel frozen.

I have a potentially very exciting work contract (my biggest opportunity in several years, no lie) I could do and I can feel it slipping through my fingers, like I'm watching at a distance - it all feels completely stupid and pointless and I have no enthusiasm. Like what is the point doing anything?

I feel very low and stupid and like I'm fucking up my own precious life even more than it's been fucked up already because I've lost all motivation.

I am lucky to have a wonderful partner and now i'm just haunted by the reality that one of us will die and have to leave the other. Obviously, I have always known this is the reality of life but it's like something has flipped in my brain and it's taking the joy out of loving everyone i love.

What do I need to do? I need to quell this somehow do I need anti depressants or something? I am exhausted and it's all built to this and I need it to stop I need to feel calm and ok?

And also yes, antidepressants can help in the short term, to take the edge off the scary feelings and give you some perspective.

I'm so, so sorry OP - life is so very unfair sometimes.

I lost both parents within six months of each other last year, but they were very elderly.
Because of my age I know a lot of people going through similar, which really helped me, but you are in the opposite position and it must be very isolating.

People in their 30s and even 40s struggle to empathise with grief - it's something no one wants to think or say too much about unless they're directly affected, as is the case with my circle of friends.

I think you really need to be able to express yourself and then you can start to better process how you are feeling and begin the long journey to acceptance, and a good grief counsellor could really help you.

Sorry for your loss . This night be extreme but it helped me.
I also felt the building grief on the loss of my mum , it felt like it built up and I ended up feeling like a boiling pan waiting to boil up and over .
I took myself off to a quiet place in the countryside , pulled over the car , got out and screamed and cried it out, I was a mess after but was able to drive back home ok and an hour or so felt lots calmer.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way @fourikeachairs. My dad died two years ago this April, and I remember that feeling of utterly futile numbness well. You know what you 'should' be doing but somehow can't.

Three weeks is still a very short period of time. By this point, I was only just about able to go back to work - physically able that is, not mentally.

I didn't go down the antidepressants route because I wanted to 'deal' with it 'my' way. I still don't know if that was the right thing to do. My husband was amazing, but didn't understand it all - how could he when he hadn't been through the same?

For me, my solace came from friends who had lived it themselves. Who understood implicitly what I needed, whether that was radio silence, a coffee for 15 minutes, or a crap meme to raise a brief smile. I found the easiest way to get this was to be honest with them about what I needed and tell them. I told my husband too and he listened.

I also stopped myself from thinking too far ahead, where I could. For the first couple of months, it was enough to have a 'plan' until lunchtime. Then the end of the day. Then the weekend. That helped no end.

If you need to pass on the project, please don't feel any guilt in doing so. More opportunities will present themselves. Your priority at the moment has to be you.

Best of luck x

You definitely need to get and get some therapy of some sort. Feeling like this isn’t a normal grief reaction I don’t think. Losing a parent is horrific but doesn’t mean your life can’t go on and that you don’t have a future!

I couldn’t have said this any better.

I’ve just lost dm. We lost ddad many years ago and I can’t believe how much worse this feels.

Agree with exercise helping. I lost my dm in Dec and I’ve run so much to cope that I managed half-marathon distance last weekend. In the beginning I cried all the way round, now I only cry sometimes but it’s honestly the thing that helps the most. Unfortunately I’ve totally fucked my foot by overdoing it so I’ve now invested in a spin bike and I’m going to try and overdo it on that. I really feel like I need the physical activity to batter out the sorrow and anger. If you’re not into exercise even a walk is helpful (I’ve done a lot of that too).

Also agree with time off work. I took 6 weeks off with a doctors note, although I did dip in and out when I could. I’m very lucky my boss was understanding but I genuinely couldn’t have managed to think at the level I needed to. I still struggle to focus on occasion now.

It’s still really early days for you. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. I truly wish there was a magic shortcut through this but there isn’t. I also feel the guilt and the regret but I can’t change it now so I’m working on getting past it. But the feeling of loss is almost unbearable, some days it almost feels like a physical ache. Everything reminds me of her and I still cry every day. But I try and remind myself that I feel like this because I just miss her so much. I really don’t see it getting easier but I think at some point we might learn to live with it. Im
trying to look forward to that but I know it’s hard. Please take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry for everyone on this thread who has suffered a loss.

3 weeks is about when J fell apart after my mum dying

give yourself a break from work if you can. Accept your feelings and allow yourself to feel them. Be very gentle on yourself, things will get better.

Oh Honey I wish I could give you a huge hug. It’s so scary when your parents go and you realise that you want a grownup to be there for you and now you ARE the grownup. You need to advocate for yourself as though you were your mum right now. You need to focus on getting through the day’s tasks like getting out of bed, eating a healthy breakfast, having a cup of tea, feeling it warm your fingers, etc. When something like the warmth of the cup of tea feels like a hug from your mum, take deep breath, let it out slowly and say “Thank you Mum.” Then focus on drinking your tea. You might just enjoy it a little bit.

Each day is going to be different. When you’re stuck, imagine your mum giving you “the talk” about what needs doing - it could be brushing your teeth, making the bed or “not going out like that, are you?”

I ended up in a huge pit of grief/depression - you name it- all the negative feelings… after my parents died. (Entirely different relationship with them though.) Like you, I went to GP. I am still on antidepressants 6yrs later and they have helped enormously. One thing he taught me was that grief is absolutely normal and it is healthy. It is a process and you absolutely must go through it, BUT…. If you find it is interrupting other really important events (like your project) you need to learn to focus it. You don’t have much time, but here is the nutshell version. (It’s a therapeutic exercise, btw. It’s not a hippy, dippy one, it’s focused.)

Set aside a specific time and place where you are going to focus your grief for 20mins once every day. Have a chair or sofa with a small table on which you place any memorabilia you want that will bring up the most meaningful memories. (Photos, letters, jewellery, etc. If you have their favourite fragrance, now is the time to spray some on a tea towel and put it carefully over a lampshade and turn on the lamp (or gently mist the bulb, but then you can only use the lamp for this purpose.) If you have their voice recorder on your phone or their favourite music, now is the time to listen to it.
Set the timer on your phone for 20 mins and absolutely wallow in your grief. Indulge in your tears. Push them out. Wail, sob, beat up a pillow with fury. Let…it…all…out.
As soon as the time goes off, stop.
Do the big, deep breath thing and thank your Mum again on the exhale.
Wipe your eyes, blow your nose. Go into the bathroom and wash your face with cool water.
You will probably want a drink of water too.
Clean up and put everything away until tomorrow.

This may help you get through until your appointment. It may help you get what you need for your project. I really hope so!!!

@Fraaahnces that is such a lovely post.

I lost both my parents last year within six months. They were very elderly but we had lived next door to each other for over a decade with attached homes, so their family home was our home too and all six of us sort of lived together.

My mum died in a temporary care home in July, while we were sorting out long-term at-home care for her, and my dad died in his bed in December.

It's strange, but to me I always felt that my mum was at the cemetery while my dad was alive, and I visited weekly. But since my dad has died I feel this inescapable feeling that my mum has returned and they are in their bedroom. I go in there daily and tell them about my day. Sometimes it's brief but often I'll stay for over an hour and just talk to them about how I feel and how much I miss them. Those times have become the most important parts of my day - a lot of tears on many days but they are slowly ebbing into positives I feel.

Sending you a huge hug

My mum died very suddenly 13 years ago aged 42.i miss her so much but I promise you it gets better and the pain becomes manageable. I dont have much to add , only to say I hope you will be OK and I'm thinking of you ❤

There is no such thing as 'a normal grief reaction'. It is intensely personal, tied up in the individual, the person who has died, how they died, the relationship between them. Please don't pathologise the OP based on knowing nothing whatsoever about her grief.

A bereavement reminds us of our own mortality and those of others whom we love. It is hard, but it is a universal experience, and I somehow took comfort in that when my OH died.

I received immediate help from CRUSE - I did not have to wait at all.

It is hard, and still is for me after 3 years, but I, like many generations of humans before me, am learning to adapt - to let that grief have its place alongside me, but to get on with life as best I may - and you will gradually be able to do the same.

Ah @fourikeachairs i just want to scoop you up in a big hug.

i don’t have any answers but please know you’re not alone

I am not the OP but have taken great comfort in reading everyones advice.

I am 29 and lost my Dad 4 months ago, extremely suddenly and with no warning. He was 61. I had a fantastic relationship with him and loved him very much, and honestly thought he was going to live to a ripe old age. It hit me hard, then I did get a bit better after Xmas. This week and particularly this morning for some reason I am finding it very hard again.

OP, I was ok (ish) after my mother's death (expected) but had a horrible meltdown 6 weeks later. Could not think straight, couldn't focus at work, and could not stop crying. Got a same-day appointment with my GP who gave me a sick note for a couple of weeks. A cliché but time really does help. I declined his offer of medication because I knew I was going through the natural process of grief and I feared becoming dependent on whatever it was he was going to prescribe.

I lost my dad years ago, when I was a child, and my mum in my 30s. Honestly all I could do was take it a day at a time. Just kept plodding on doing the basics - and also making some quite daft decisions.

I think grief for a parent when you are young and your peers don't have the same experiences makes it so hard.

It gets better - you start seeing in colour again.

Still sometimes hits me like a brick wall even after 15 years though. And the realisation that I was an orphan - even though I was grown up and had a house and a partner was just really hard.

Following on from my post, older colleagues at work today chit chatting about both having their parents and they are in their 80s, still relatively healthy. They dont know how lucky they are :(
(And I dont understand why they are talking about things like this infront of me having known of what I've just gone through....)

Yeah I sympathise, that's really tough. I find that hard too.

Honestly I think people don't understand how hard it is to lose a parent, till it happens to them.

Rest. The pain will never leave you but it will become easier to live with.