I can't cope with my grief for my mum and I'm panicking in floods of tears

[fourikeachairs]

Over the few days it's been building and building and now I can't cope with it at all. I don't know how to make myself feel comforted, everything feels blank and numb and the future is a terrifying void of nothingness.

I can't derive any peace or contentment from anything as simple as taking a nap. Cups or tea or coffee taste like shit. Nothing has any point and I am panicking. I don't want to do anything, well in theory I want to do loads of things but when it comes to doing things i just feel frozen.

I have a potentially very exciting work contract (my biggest opportunity in several years, no lie) I could do and I can feel it slipping through my fingers, like I'm watching at a distance - it all feels completely stupid and pointless and I have no enthusiasm. Like what is the point doing anything?

I feel very low and stupid and like I'm fucking up my own precious life even more than it's been fucked up already because I've lost all motivation.

I am lucky to have a wonderful partner and now i'm just haunted by the reality that one of us will die and have to leave the other. Obviously, I have always known this is the reality of life but it's like something has flipped in my brain and it's taking the joy out of loving everyone i love.

What do I need to do? I need to quell this somehow do I need anti depressants or something? I am exhausted and it's all built to this and I need it to stop I need to feel calm and ok?

I don’t think anything anyone can say will help at this time and, in a way, the anger at your situation is good. It’s feelings. It’s grief. I am not in your position but I can hear the pain.

Do people involved in this work contract know your circumstances? If not you may want to make them aware, as they may make allowances so you don’t miss the opportunity or drop it completely, either way the open communication could take the pressure off you to evaluate whether you can or want to do it or not.

I lost my mum when I was 36 and I felt this enormous pressure to carry on regardless my workplace were shocking looking back at it, but my customers were fantastic about everything, I muddled through with their support.

If you can’t get in at the doctors ring 111, they can sometimes access gp appointments when the surgery say they’ve all gone, don’t downplay how you’re feeling.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

It’s not about being ungrateful. My mum died twelve years ago, she had been ill for many years and I was her carer. I lost over a stone in two weeks when she passed away I was so overcome with grief. I think about her nearly every day and still miss her terribly. It doesn’t go away, but it does change over time which doesn’t mean that how you’re feeling now isn’t perfectly valid. In the end though, you come to terms with it because you must.

Hindsight is always 20:20. You look back and think how things might have been if you’d made different choices but the truth is that you made the best decisions you could have at the time and that is all anyone can ask.

The final thing that helped me was to know that my mum loved me and I know that she would have wanted me to live my very best life and not be so overwhelmed by grief and sadness that it stopped me from living too, that she would have wanted me to go on. I’m sure your mum would want that for you too.

It just takes time.

So sorry for your loss x

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐
It's a year since I lost my DM and I completely relate to those feelings of grief spiralling out of control. There was a lot I had to make peace with around her final illness.
For now, allow yourself to grieve. It won't overwhelm you. You need to give your grief its space. Rest often. Grief is exhausting.
In time, you will be able to think about what your DM would want for you and how she would want you to look after and cherish yourself.

Unfortunately I feel whatever is said in this thread won't be right... and that's okay. You're allowed to be angry. You need to speak to a healthcare professional in the morning, or someone now if you feel like your life is at risk.

I'm thinking of you.

You are being very hard on yourself. Like a fine wine, grief takes its time to reach its full potential. Rushing it just stores up problems for the future. Its OK to grieve, its ok to take a breath. What uou are dealing with is massive , anyone thar doesn't understand hasn't been through it.

All of this is such good advice.

After the pain of losing my parents, I worry so much about how my youngest will cope with losing me, whenever that day comes.

But it's the pain we all feel, all have to go through in life sadly, we will all go through this loss at some point. It's part of being human. I can't protect her from it.

OP I'm so sorry about your mum. It's absolutely NOT your fault.
Time will heal, though you can't imagine it now. It won't always hurt as much as it does now.

I still have moments where I just can't believe my mum isn't still in her house, 5 years on, but I can think of her without the terrible raw grief now. I think about how lucky I was to have her and the great wealth of everything that she has passed on to me just by being my mother. And she lives on in me and my children, just like your mum does in you.

You need to speak to a healthcare professional in the morning, or someone now if you feel like your life is at risk.

My life is categorically not at risk. If anything, it's the complete opposite - perhaps selfishly I am concerned my grief is going to get in the way of building my own life. Because it makes everything feel pointless, even though I know it's not. But it's really hard to find motivation when you feel hopeless.

I'm probably not expressing myself correctly. I just had to do so much work to rebuild my life in my twenties and I feel destroyed by grief now again. So what if it just keeps happening every few years?

And I mean it probably will as I get older now anyway, I'll just keep losing people until I pop my own clogs as that's how it goes.

Yeah I'm fucking angry I'm angry I knew the first devastation of parental grief in my twenties and now the second in my thirties when all my friends and acquaintances (some far older) have at least one parent left.

I think there is truth in this.

My friends don't understand and also, I don't want them to understand. They will someday and I hope it's a long time away.

Hi OP, I just wanted to ask how you're feeling today, and if you've had any luck making an appointment to see your GP? Sending a virtual hug from someone who knows how you're feeling.

Time does heal though, I lost my dad when he was fairly young - 61 and it was devastating, but everyone dies eventually. I felt lots better after 6 months.

Feeling grief and sadness is normal. You do what you have to do at the time to get over it and take your mind off it and you learn to live with it.

I know it's not popular but homeopathy helps. There are many remedies and one will match how you feel and will help you through this. Also EFT / Tapping, I am often amazed at how powerful it is.

a recent orphan here, probably same age as you. Try to get signed off work if you are struggling or it might be a good distraction. I didn't go to counselling as I don't think it would have helped process what was (and is) just sadness. Fresh air: runs/cycles/walks. Get exercising first thing, even if you don't fancy it. Crying and running is therapeutic

Hi Op

I am sorry that you are going through this. I found the death of second parent much harder - shockingly painful.

Advice above is good - you really need to look after yourself ahead of everything else.

I can highly recommend this book - siblings and I found it very helpful.

www.amazon.co.uk/Orphaned-Adult-Understanding-Coping-Parents-ebook/dp/B06XCHYYZ2/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2FSU4Z27E2JVC&keywords=orphaned+adult&qid=1676460149&sprefix=orphaned+adu%2Caps%2C91&sr=8-1

I lost my mum at 28 and a lot of friends fell away as they hadn't had any experience of significant grief and didn't know how to relate to me in the aftermath. Now we are all in our early forties and most have now experienced it. A few have come back. In honesty I would rather they still had their loved ones but it's nice that someone else finally understands what I went through while they were all off chasing their highs in their twenties.

Hit post too soon.

My kids will never know my mum and that's shit, however you slice it. It's a shit I have learned to live with. I talk to them about her, I use her examples in my own parenting. I have never ever forgotten her or her voice and means I feel her within me most days.

My DD looks a bit like her and it's so lovely.

I really feel for you OP. I lost my Mum nearly 2 years ago and it was the worst pain I've ever felt. Real physical pain that actually scared me. I ended up having grief counselling as after 6 months I still wasn't feeling any better. The counsellor helped me to let go of my guilt and process my emotions. I was able to give in to the grief, don't try and fight it, let the tears ooze ,don't be frightened.
It's long road Op but but after a year I felt significantly better. Of course I still cry about my Mum but I'm now able to function and live my life.
Take some time off work and go to your GP who may be able to prescribe you something even if it's only short term. I would save the counselling for now.

Hi OP. I am so sorry for your loss. This first intense stage lasted about a month for me. Then I found work was a good diversion although I definitely had good and bad days. Two years later I feel much better, but all the feelings, memories, worries had to come out before I felt like I was functioning ok. Feeling at fault - all normal and almost certainly untrue. I had it too. You are obviously a good and loving daughter. I worked with a woman whose daughter was murdered and she had found a way to have a full and satisfying life- I thought about her a lot when I was feeling my grief would no end. Dont be scared, it feels impossible at the beginning, but it does get easier. CRUSE would be a good place to approach for help. Sending you a hug.

not end, not no end.

For me a big thing was accepting that I was never going to 'get over' the loss. You dont get over it, you learn how to live with it somehow.

Its shit.

Get off your screen and go for a walk in the fresh air. Do it now.

I hated all the people who told me that; especially because they were right.

Just go.

Darling OP,

Please try to give yourself a break......

I wish I could give you a huge hug and tell you that yes, it's shit and it feels as though it will always be shit, but this is a normal reaction to a huge trauma..... it's a cliche but time is what it takes..... I have lost my Mum and my DP in a two year span, and I'm still a mess. But a functioning mess (mostly).

Treat yourself as you would treat anyone else suffering - gently, kindly and without judgement.

It's a kind of madness, and three weeks is nothing.

The Pandora's box of fear has been opened and the hope is hidden. It is still there x

Do whatever gets you through this awful dark night of the soul, from a position of the care you deserve .....

Sending you all the love in the world ..... and I know, because I've been there, it sounds trite and you feel like a cat that simultaneously wants to be loved but also wants to scratch and spit and hiss and tear down the world so it's a no win situation.....

Just take care of yourself and bugger the rest of the world for now..... it will keep turning, and one day you'll be able to turn with it. But now you need some healing and breathing space. And it's on your time, no-one else's.

Ah your reaction is totally natural, you poor thing. The day I saw my mother's dead body 15 years ago, a small part of me died. I don't think it will ever come back to life. Losing your mum is like a punch in the face. It's devastating, no matter what your relationship was like.

My Dad died just under 3 weeks ago. I understand completely. And in a way, I'm OK with it because deep painful grief is just recognising how much you loved that person and how they are worth that pain. I'm having palpitations, can't sleep, everything tastes funny. It's almost like being in shock.

I see a counsellor via the hospice that my Dad spent a month in - initially it was family support, now its bereavement and it does really help because you can say things to them that you can't to anyone else. And they have seen it in so many others. Reach out for some support - you don't have to do it alone.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I lost my mum in April, so I'm nearly a year in and all I've truly learnt is grief is a rollercoaster. I can have three weeks of feeling 'normal' , then suddenly that lurching, panicking dread that something is irretrievably gone will start creeping in on me. I've learnt the best thing to do for me personally when that starts is to a) listen to the music she had at her funeral and just cry until I can't anymore and then b) do something she would want me to do. Usually it's organise a dinner party, or take me and my daughter out for tea, something I used to like doing with her. I'll dress myself up (she loved it when we looked nice because she knew it meant we were feeling good) and sure enough, it works. I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore, it's like I've done something for her in a way.
Maybe something like that could work for you?
Be kind to yourself. A doctor told me that losing a parent is one of the most traumatic events you can go through. I believe that, so you need to treat yourself as if you have been through a major trauma.
The rollercoaster gets less intense over time.