Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treating grandkids the same - should you?

54 replies

grandparentfairness · 14/02/2023 21:18

AIBU to think grandparents should treat their grandkids the same?

My dad will sometimes give money to DD when we visit - DD visits them with me more often than DS. My mum will remind my dad that if he treats one of them he needs to treat both, whether DS visits or not and I agree with her.

DH and DS visited his parents this weekend and DS was given a small gift. I questioned DH and asked where DDs gift was and why he didn't say anything to his parents about it. DH thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and DS feels he's done something wrong.

So do you think grandkids should be treated the same or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
ALS94 · 14/02/2023 21:37

You’re being over sensitive. They should be treated the same on average, if they only ever gave gifts to DD and never to DS then I would consider that unfair, but right now they seem to be sharing it quite equally over all. Both children don’t need a gift every time the other one does.

You need to focus less on the gifts and money and instead focus on the quality time between family.

youshouldnthaveasked · 14/02/2023 21:40

its nice that they are giving them money and gifts at all

bridgetreilly · 14/02/2023 21:42

YABU and ridiculous. It shouldn’t be a question of keeping count like that.

Refrosty · 14/02/2023 21:48

Oh God.

No, it should not be equal. That's how their grandparents work, DC will just need to understand that.

If I were the grandparent being told how I should divvy up cash and gifts, they will stop and id just hand two chocolate to whichever kid stepped into my house.

ElegantlyTouched · 14/02/2023 21:53

YABU. Each kid is being treated when they visit. Why does the one not visiting have to get a gift too?

FawnFrenchieMum · 14/02/2023 21:53

No it doesn’t need to be equal every time as long as overall there is no favouritism.
My dad comes to watch one of the kids play sports and often gives him some money at the end of the match. If my other child is there he gives it them both but if not, he’ll treat her next time we see them somewhere else.

Cinnamo · 14/02/2023 21:56

Treated equally over all, not the same is key here

especially when it branches out to children in the wider family

(sick of ds being deemed a mini clone of his cousin, who me??)

Justmeandthedog1 · 14/02/2023 21:59

Over little things, no it’s not always necessary. They’re not bothered if one gets a tiny, occasional thing and others don’t. But I wouldn’t give one dgc a sackful of Christmas presents and others a stocking full.

Hesma · 14/02/2023 22:03

You’re being totally ridiculous and very precious

CatOnTheChair · 14/02/2023 22:04

YABU.
When a child visits their grandparents, they get something. Surely that IS treating them equally - all be it not they way you think it should be.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 14/02/2023 22:07

You're being really silly.

I agree with a general principle of equal treatment overall, but if one gdc visits and another doesn't, it's hardly a big deal if the grandparents give something to the visiting child. It would be different if your dd had gone as well, and they had ignored her!

VivaVivaa · 14/02/2023 22:08

I’m with your DH. Just because you/your mother have a weird view of ‘fairness’ doesn’t mean you should enforce them on your in laws. No visit no gift sounds completely reasonable.

saraclara · 14/02/2023 22:13

Same as with your own kids. You don't treat them exactly the same at any one time, but you make sure that over a period it evens out.

If one wants to go to an event with their friends that costs a tenner, you give them the tenner. You don't give the other one £10 at the same time, to even it out. But when the other wants to go to something a fortnight later, they get the money for that.

Sometimes GPs will treat GC the same on the same day, sometimes it will be over time.

Mommawasafarmgirl · 14/02/2023 22:16

Yes, you are being over-sensitive to try to manage things to this extent. A neighbour just met one of my DC and gave them a couple of pounds as a gift.
ShouId I ask for more for siblings?

SpringIntoChaos · 14/02/2023 22:17

What reason is your son not visiting his grandparents as often? If he wants gifts...he should visit them!

My own lovely mum (sadly no longer here) had 6 grandchildren (and 3 great grandchildren). Only my two EVER visited (and we lived furthest away - the other 4 GC lived very close by, less than 10 minutes)

My mum always treated my two to a 'little something' - lunch out, little gifts or a few pounds. She would have done the same with the others, but they didn't visit. Didn't mean she didn't love them equally, but why would she send them 'the same thing' if they couldn't be arsed visiting her? She absolutely would have given them her last penny - it was embarrassing how little they bothered with her though! And now it's too late 😥

Blablablablaba · 14/02/2023 22:18

Our kids are usually treated same. My grandparents did same with me and my sister too.

In some ways though I'm like mum u don't need to even everything out! Like oh I took x to cinema so there's a tenner for the little one 🤷🏻‍♀️

SeasonFinale · 14/02/2023 22:27

Well when your other child visits they will get a little gift so that will be "equal".

Mariposista · 14/02/2023 22:29

SpringIntoChaos · 14/02/2023 22:17

What reason is your son not visiting his grandparents as often? If he wants gifts...he should visit them!

My own lovely mum (sadly no longer here) had 6 grandchildren (and 3 great grandchildren). Only my two EVER visited (and we lived furthest away - the other 4 GC lived very close by, less than 10 minutes)

My mum always treated my two to a 'little something' - lunch out, little gifts or a few pounds. She would have done the same with the others, but they didn't visit. Didn't mean she didn't love them equally, but why would she send them 'the same thing' if they couldn't be arsed visiting her? She absolutely would have given them her last penny - it was embarrassing how little they bothered with her though! And now it's too late 😥

I totally agree with you. My gran has 4 GC. I live overseas and yet I see her and spend time with her far more than my cousins. I make her a priority. It’s so sad. She is 91 and unwell. I feel like saying you will have plenty of time for partying and ‘living your lives’ when she is no longer here.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/02/2023 22:32

Hmm, so one grandchild visits and gets a treat and the other grandchild doesn't visit so does my get a treat. Looks like it's more dependent in how the grandchildren treat grandparents tbh.

For the big gifts, birthdays etc, yes, treat equally. But a grandparent spoiling a VISITING grandchild is very different.

Pinkypurplecloud · 14/02/2023 22:39

In big stuff like inheritances, yes, I expect all grandchildren to be treated the same.

As little children I’d expect roughly equal over time and I’d expect equal treatment if they were both there (ie not to hand out a bar of chocolate to one child and nothing to the child stood next to them), but I wouldn’t be picking over identical chocolate bars or occasional fivers if only one child was present. That’s just petty.

As older children I would expect it might reflect different relationships - I was closer to my Nanna, visited her far more and enjoyed her company as a teen. I dare say I got more tenners, sweets, little favours done for me etc than my siblings as a consequence, and I don’t think that’s particularly surprising or wrong. We all inherited the same amount and I don’t think my siblings minded missing out on the odd fiver in return for rarely seeing someone they deemed boring.

Do you insist your children treat each of their grandparents exactly the same? And do you insist each of your children behave exactly the same as their sibling towards each grandparent - equal time, visits, conversations etc? Because it doesn’t sound like it if only one child was on the visit, so what’s the difference?

Hooverthestairs · 14/02/2023 22:41

Equally yes, identically no.

My parents often buy DD little presents as she sees them a lot. If we go shopping and she's been good then DM might get her a little treat or something. She doesn't buy them for her other grandchildren at the time because they aren't there.

If they were all there then they'd do it for all.

Theunamedcat · 14/02/2023 22:41

Should be equal really and I will kick back against favoritism two years in a row my exes mother has given a birthday card and cash to ds1 not ds2 there birthdays are weeks apart and it's fucking obvious she favours ds1 so I've said if she does it again I'm packing up there Christmas cards and ds1s birthday cards and returning them too her (ds1 agrees) I watched for years as she favoured one of her children over the other the resentment it caused im not letting her do that to my children

Also ds2 has sen and won't notice but no excuses the rest of us do notice and it's nasty

MelchiorsMistress · 14/02/2023 22:53

When they’re together they should be treated the same, but on occasions when they’re only seeing one of them, it would be weird if they couldn’t treat them just because the other wasn’t there.

Hankunamatata · 14/02/2023 22:55

My parents and inlaws would always buy or give for for all grandkids, never just one.
However those that visit get perks of hot chocolates and biscuits and other treats

Dobbyismyabsolutefav · 14/02/2023 23:03

Definitely for birthdays and Christmas. I wouldn't worry as much about individual visits so, a magazine or bar of chocolate, but I wouldnt be happy with a larger present or £10 cash for one child.