Treating grandkids the same - should you?

[grandparentfairness]

AIBU to think grandparents should treat their grandkids the same?

My dad will sometimes give money to DD when we visit - DD visits them with me more often than DS. My mum will remind my dad that if he treats one of them he needs to treat both, whether DS visits or not and I agree with her.

DH and DS visited his parents this weekend and DS was given a small gift. I questioned DH and asked where DDs gift was and why he didn't say anything to his parents about it. DH thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and DS feels he's done something wrong.

So do you think grandkids should be treated the same or am I being over sensitive?

I agree with most.
You are confusing the idea of people being treated fairly, over time, with each "transaction" being exactly the same.

I think the first reply sums it up well.

There does seem to be a bit of a thing in your family for giving money and gifts to visiting grandchildren. I think this is what I’d want to discourage because it’s setting up an expectation in the children. You don’t want them expecting to be rewarded/bribed every time they spend time with their grandparents as they get older.

I’d be telling the grandparents things like “you don’t need to give him/her any money” rather than “Oy, where’s the money for the other one?” If you do take the money (which I don’t think that you should very often), I’d just split it between them yourself, rather than expecting extra for the non-attending child.

If one child visits and the other one isn’t present because they chose not to be then I think it’s fine for the child who made the effort to receive a gift, and for the child who didn’t to not.

Thanks all - some good points raised and for me to think about.

I get this sense of fairness from my mum, who treats all GC the same. I think this comes from her own experience of favouritism within her own family growing up - mum never felt good enough or appreciated whereas she felt her siblings could do no wrong. That's obviously affected how I see things, in that there should be absolutely no favouritism at all.

Kids are teens - we're talking £20 notes and gifts around the same value to take home. It's not about the gifts (in fact I'd rather they didn't) but treating the kids the same.

It's not a competition so no

You sound like hard work OP.

So you’ve made your child feel bad for accepting a little present. That’s a shitty thing to do. You should concentrate on how you treat your children.

I have in the past made up the shortfall myself when money was given to one and not the other or encouraged them to share (when it was a very large box of sweets).

That is a good way to put it and where I'm going wrong.

That's what it is, £20 usually on both sides of the grandparents. It's not a comic, or a couple of pounds etc.

So one teen can’t be bothered visiting his grandparents and you think the grandparents should still treat them? Have you thought that maybe they feel sad DS can’t be bothered visiting them and are treating DD with the misguided hope that it will encourage her to continue visiting?

Yes it's the same here. It's changed as the kids have become teens. Sometimes they don't want to visit and other times they have sporting events or other commitments so can't.

Yes they should but overall not on a tit for tat basis. They don’t need to have the same treat or gift at the same time. My parents will often treat whoever they see on that occasion. It all evens up over time. Sometimes it’s nice for them to have a treat just for themselves. As long as it isn’t the same child getting things Al L the time and not the other you don’t nee. To keep a running tab.

We wet out with my Mum yesterday. Both of the children with me had ice cream and drinks. My eldest didn’t as he didn’t come. My DS went home and my DD stayed out with me and my Mum, my Mum bought her a new outfit for an upcoming event. My two DS wouldn’t think twice about it as they often get something if it is them out with my Mum and not DD.

Oh that's awful, that to me is blatant favouritism and game playing and using kids in that way is horrible. I'm so sorry.

I feel lucky we definitely don't have that going on here. Both sets of grandparents are lovely but it sounds like I need some perspective here.

I think you're wrong but I do get where you're coming from.

You're conflating two different issues here. If it was Christmas or their birthdays and one got £5 and one got £50 then obviously that is unfair and you would be absolutely right to raise it. But that's not the scenario you're describing.

A child who visits a grandparent is being given a small treat. The one who doesn't visit shouldn't expect to get the same and I don't think you should engineer a set up where anyone should feel obligated to give to a child who hasn't visited.

@ALS94
"You need to focus less on the gifts and money and instead focus on the quality time between family."

It's not about the gifts but what is fair/equal.

We live some way away from DHs parents so see them less often as it involves an overnight stay. Whereas mine live in the next village.

DS struggles with visiting my parents because he says he doesn't know what to say and that he feels awkward so therefore chooses not to come that often. My parents are understanding of that. DD finds it easier to chat so is ok with visiting. Visiting DHs parents is different as it's far less frequent - DD couldn't go as had a prior commitment she couldn't postpone so just DS went with DH.

Treats given during a visit I get and have no issue with at all, but this is £20 notes handed out as well as other stuff to take home.

OP my in laws will buy something for my dc as a birthday gift, then exactly the same thing for their other gc ‘because Lucy’s dc have it so you should too’ - not as a birthday gift, and it never goes the other way re my dc being bought the birthday gifts their other cousins are given. I think that is really unfair but on here I got told it meant I was mercenary and they were completely reasonable.

So take some of it with a pinch of salt!

The gifts being given at the point of visiting makes it a bit trickier, perhaps try to encourage them just not to give anything at all?

It's not about being bothered - DS finds it hard chatting as doesn't know what to say and feels awkward. It's not that he doesn't care. My mum gets this.

And no I don't expect them to be given stuff at all, in fact I wish they wouldn't, but mum has always insisted that they get given the same. So if my dad gives DD £20 mum tells him he has to do the same for DS.

Thanks @LucyWhipple - yeh I think some people replying forget there's a real person behind it, but that's what you get when posting on AIBU I guess!

I have previously told dad he doesn't need to give £20 notes out but he tells me he wants to.

If they are teens and it’s a case of your DS finding them hard work to chat to, then tough shit. It’s the perk for your other child for making the time and effort.

Could be worse. My nana had 8 grandchildren. The four preferred ones got £15k each in her will. My brother and I got £650 each and two GC got nothing. Don’t get me started on what she did with the bulk of the estate.

Now you've said you are talking about £20 notes, I think that is different.

I had assumed you had small dc and they were being given a packet of sweets or a coin out of dgp's pocket.

I think if they are regularly giving money, then it would be better to formalise it into a weekly or monthly pocket money, which is the same for both.
Obviously you can't insist they do this, but my MiL used to give pocket money for the dc, to me when she saw me, and I shared it fairly between dc.
As your dc are teens, would it be worth having a chat with them to see how they feel about these quite large sums of money ? Maybe they would like to pool and share fairly ?

My 4 never visit grandma all together unless it’s Christmas or an occasion. Whoever is there always gets a tenner to go home with …
whoever hasn’t gone never asks about it or moans about it . Why should they get a treat if they can’t be bothered to go ?

If the reason DS got a gift and DD didn't was because he was the only one who visited then I think it's fine. If it's the case that DD visits at other times and gets nothing, then it's not fair and I would say something.

I would hope they would be treated equally with christmas presents and that kind of thing.

But unless there's a genuine difference in the way they are treated (not just in the amounts they happen to get on a particular visit) I wouldn't try to police this. It's a relationship between grandchild and grandparent, and nothing to do with you. I don't understand why you would tell your parents not to give them presents - that is controlling of you. It gives the grandparents pleasure to give and presumably the children like to receive the gifts. Obviously if the gifts are harmful in some way e.g. excessive sweets for toddlers then that's different. On the same note I wouldn't mention the issue to your children - that's going to cause problems between them and sour the gift. You could ask them if they want to share the gift if that's appropriate.

My partner has 6 grandchildren and definitely favours and treats one differently. I'm talking £300 gifts just because, much more money spent on Christmas and birthdays, wanting to take this one child on holiday abroad and not the others, meals out, new clothes, pocket money, golden child doesnt get told off etc.....that's a big difference to what seems to be happening with urs.
I don't condone my partners behaviour and have said he risks alienating his other grandchildren, plus said grandchild is acting spolit- no wonder!