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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A most disconcerting playdate

56 replies

Maizie83 · 13/02/2023 22:19

Today I went on a playdate with a fairly new friend and a few other mums were present. We were chatting and she asked how I was. I told her I’d been unusually fatigued the last few weeks (her response was “you do look really, really tired”😀) and that my 3.5 year old daughter was in a particular heightened emotional phase that was making things quite challenging. I gave examples, saying she’d start screaming if I played certain songs for instance.

This new friend then said “you know she can hear everything you’re saying”. This really threw me, as I didn’t think I was speaking ill of my child, but perhaps this woman had a point that I should wait until she wasn’t around to talk about her development, moods etc.

This threw me a bit, and made me feel a bit like I was a bad parent, sort of putting me on the back foot from the get go.

But the main thing was that this woman kind of zoned in on my daughter. My daughter was cranky and tired earlier, and she was in a new environment with lots of kids she didn’t know. She was particularly sensitive to the loud noises (the kids all had these flute toys they were blowing), covering her ears and crying. This woman kept saying “ah it’s a sensory thing” and talking about her daughter who is being assessed for ADHD and possibly autism. Saying things like “my daughter was like that when she was her age, she's clearly overwhelmed". She was really taking in my kid, and making little unsolicited comments like that. I just felt like we were both being watched...

The dynamic honestly felt like we were having an evaluation with a child psychologist and not at a play date! I left quite shaken and upset, feeling like a bad mother and worrying that my kid might have autism… and I’m just wondering if I’m being really oversensitive. Or did this woman cross a line? I don’t know her very well at all.

OP posts:

Johnnysgirl · 13/02/2023 22:22

You kind of started it when you said you were really fatigued and your toddler was in a highly emotional state.
She obviously felt you were struggling. You sound as if you really are?

Sucessinthenewyear · 13/02/2023 22:24

She is right about talking negatively about your daughter in front of her.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 13/02/2023 22:25

Did you mean to name your child OP?

If her own child is going through a diagnosis she may feel that she's become a bit of an expert. She may have (unpleasantly) been looking for 'allies' on her own family's journey. She might have been trying to be supportive but doing it clumsily. Or she might just be an overstepping cow.

Don't give it a thought. People are weird.

Gardeningempire · 13/02/2023 22:25

I wouldn’t take too much notice. You were probably a bit sensitive and the other parent is probably seeing additional needs everywhere because that is her world right now.

Sometimes attempts at friendship just don’t click. Neither of you are bad people or bad parents, you just aren’t going to be friends.
Don’t overthink it. Plenty more friend fishes in the sea.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2023 22:26

Sucessinthenewyear · 13/02/2023 22:24

She is right about talking negatively about your daughter in front of her.

She's absolutely right. Your child is hearing every word you say and that can be very damaging. I've heard parents do the same and it's just awful.

echt · 13/02/2023 22:26

Oh, dear. While the woman's comments were probably kindly meant and were couched in terms of her own child, the pathologising of simple things: sensory/overwhelmed is not really OK. All this noise is a bit much, isn't it would have covered it nicely.

It's bit like the way feeling anxious has become anxiety in much of common discourse.

tiersta · 13/02/2023 22:27

You're not being unreasonable.
And so what if you're sensitive you're a protective mother! 🙂

Some things are best left unsaid especially if you barely know the people...

Maybe she genuinely didn't realise she was comparing and being so observant but still not a very friendly approach.

You know your child better than anyone else - particularly someone that has spent such a short period of time with her.

🙄

FlappyValley · 13/02/2023 22:34

YANBU - if her comments came from a place of genuine kindness/concern she wouldn’t have made the catty comment about you looking tired! I have autistic DC and have definitely had the occasional moment where I’ve recognised possible traits in another child, but that doesn’t mean I’m qualified to diagnose them on the basis of one meeting (and with no medical training!) Feeling overwhelmed at a party is an experience most kids will have at some point and is hardly the basis for assuming autism/ADHD.

ladymacbeth · 13/02/2023 22:36

I doubt it is the name of the kid, it's a gaming rating! Sorry if I'm being obtuse and it's a language I don't know!

TakeNoTweetsGiveNoQuacks · 13/02/2023 22:42

I think her comments were weird/off. I don't think she was genuinely concerned at all. Some people are just like that. I'd find it quite off-putting

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/02/2023 22:46

I'm sure she meant well but in my opinion she overstepped boundaries and it would have pissed me right off.

It is not customary to agree that someone looks wrecked - you can be sympathetic without doing that. And instead of displaying her knowledge of sensory issues, she could have taken steps to reduce the hideous whistling noise. And instead of rebuking you for discussing your daughter in her hearing (which every parent I know does) she could have said "You know I've had to stop discussing little Timmy when he's here because he listens in!". And generally you steer clear of smugly implying to another parent that you understand their child better than them, because nobody likes that, and most of us have enough insight to understand that.

I wouldn't be queuing up for more playdates with her.

Isthisexpected · 13/02/2023 22:46

Commenting on your child's behaviour and emotional state to a relative stranger is literally inviting the person to comment back. Doing it in ear shot is quite inappropriate and disrespectful to your daughter I think. So she's not wrong there.

stairgates · 13/02/2023 22:47

The mum in ND like her child, did she stare at you unblinking when she was talking to you?

TigeToo · 13/02/2023 22:54

stairgates · 13/02/2023 22:47

The mum in ND like her child, did she stare at you unblinking when she was talking to you?

Eyelashes

harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 23:07

She sounds like an overstepping pain in the arse. Don't worry about it, OP

Nosecan · 13/02/2023 23:08

If your child is autistic maybe she’s done you a favour? She sounds empathetic to me.

TheVanguardSix · 13/02/2023 23:14

harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 23:07

She sounds like an overstepping pain in the arse. Don't worry about it, OP

This with bells on. I had a couple of mum friends who started out in this exact way. Notice the past tense? Who needs it?

She wasn’t coming from a place of kindness, OP. She was being judgmental and rude.

Thesystemonlydreamsintotaldarkness · 13/02/2023 23:14

Oh Jeeze. It feels like kids can’t have normal emotions these days (such as being overwhelmed) that someone wants to diagnose them with something or other.

i say this with no disrespect to any parents whose children actually are neurodiverse.

my son can be a bit full on sometimes; my mother is determined he has “something” but his teacher says he’s just a normal 7 year old boy: and behaves the same as all his pals

Nosecan · 13/02/2023 23:29

She could well be ND herself and saying things as she sees them without any ill intent. I have done this in the past (not to the same extent) and felt awful on reflection.

ClairDeLaLune · 13/02/2023 23:34

Ignore her OP. She seriously overstepped. My daughter would have been the same about noise at that age, she’s not ND she just has really sensitive hearing! Looks like that mum is feeling like the only person she knows that is having a possible diagnosis for her child and is looking for others to have one too, to make her feel better about the situation. And yes you shouldn’t criticise your child within their hearing but there’s nothing wrong with talking about them factually.

ClairDeLaLune · 13/02/2023 23:36

Nosecan · 13/02/2023 23:08

If your child is autistic maybe she’s done you a favour? She sounds empathetic to me.

No she hasn’t done OP a favour! She’s just made OP worry about a possible problem that likely doesn’t exist. She is the absolute opposite of empathetic.

Original poster

Maizie83 · 13/02/2023 23:37

Thank you all for your input!

OP posts:

8fttrampoline · 13/02/2023 23:38

Everyone is an expert these days 🙄
She has thrown you a bit, but take back control, actively stop thinking about it, don't allow yourself to keep replaying what she said in your head and don't meet up with her again. She's not a uplifting person for you and will only make you feel worse.

YesitsBess · 13/02/2023 23:38

Everything else aside (I think most angles have been covered) was it a musical play date? If not then who the hell gave a bunch of three and a half year olds flutes?!?

Original poster

Maizie83 · 13/02/2023 23:39

Lol! Such a valid question and possibly worthy of a whole separate thread.

OP posts:

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