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Original poster

A most disconcerting playdate

56 replies

Maizie83 · 13/02/2023 22:19

Today I went on a playdate with a fairly new friend and a few other mums were present. We were chatting and she asked how I was. I told her I’d been unusually fatigued the last few weeks (her response was “you do look really, really tired”😀) and that my 3.5 year old daughter was in a particular heightened emotional phase that was making things quite challenging. I gave examples, saying she’d start screaming if I played certain songs for instance.

This new friend then said “you know she can hear everything you’re saying”. This really threw me, as I didn’t think I was speaking ill of my child, but perhaps this woman had a point that I should wait until she wasn’t around to talk about her development, moods etc.

This threw me a bit, and made me feel a bit like I was a bad parent, sort of putting me on the back foot from the get go.

But the main thing was that this woman kind of zoned in on my daughter. My daughter was cranky and tired earlier, and she was in a new environment with lots of kids she didn’t know. She was particularly sensitive to the loud noises (the kids all had these flute toys they were blowing), covering her ears and crying. This woman kept saying “ah it’s a sensory thing” and talking about her daughter who is being assessed for ADHD and possibly autism. Saying things like “my daughter was like that when she was her age, she's clearly overwhelmed". She was really taking in my kid, and making little unsolicited comments like that. I just felt like we were both being watched...

The dynamic honestly felt like we were having an evaluation with a child psychologist and not at a play date! I left quite shaken and upset, feeling like a bad mother and worrying that my kid might have autism… and I’m just wondering if I’m being really oversensitive. Or did this woman cross a line? I don’t know her very well at all.

OP posts:
Ames85 · 13/02/2023 23:40

stairgates · 13/02/2023 22:47

The mum in ND like her child, did she stare at you unblinking when she was talking to you?

Is this a genuine comment? To state a mum is ND as if it can be categorically diagnosed from one post about her.

YesitsBess · 13/02/2023 23:46

Maizie83 · 13/02/2023 23:39

Lol! Such a valid question and possibly worthy of a whole separate thread.

I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter over hearing you over that racket either. Fucking flutes. I'd have sensory overload in a room full of children with flutes...

Anyone who says "you look tired" is a prick, unless it's your own mum (even then it's sketchy). And anything else that was said after that should probably be reviewed in light of this fact.

I'm still having auditory flashbacks to the time my daughters school sent them all home with recorders. This was 15 years ago and I've never forgiven them.

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 13/02/2023 23:55

YesitsBess · 13/02/2023 23:46

I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter over hearing you over that racket either. Fucking flutes. I'd have sensory overload in a room full of children with flutes...

Anyone who says "you look tired" is a prick, unless it's your own mum (even then it's sketchy). And anything else that was said after that should probably be reviewed in light of this fact.

I'm still having auditory flashbacks to the time my daughters school sent them all home with recorders. This was 15 years ago and I've never forgiven them.

Show quote history

🤣 kids and recorders, bloody hell, one made it back out today, it's been hidden until the next time it's found.

OP the playdate mate sounds weird.

MrsRosieBrew · 13/02/2023 23:56

I knew a school mum like that. Diagnosed everyone with something. Hypochondriac. Attention seeker. I’m so glad I don’t have to see her at the school gates anymore! Ignore this woman and steer clear of her, OP.

Tireddoggymum · 14/02/2023 00:03

Am so glad that my children are in their 20s . Meeting up for a play date was so less complicated.

TortolaParadise · 14/02/2023 00:06

Maizie83 · 13/02/2023 22:19

Today I went on a playdate with a fairly new friend and a few other mums were present. We were chatting and she asked how I was. I told her I’d been unusually fatigued the last few weeks (her response was “you do look really, really tired”😀) and that my 3.5 year old daughter was in a particular heightened emotional phase that was making things quite challenging. I gave examples, saying she’d start screaming if I played certain songs for instance.

This new friend then said “you know she can hear everything you’re saying”. This really threw me, as I didn’t think I was speaking ill of my child, but perhaps this woman had a point that I should wait until she wasn’t around to talk about her development, moods etc.

This threw me a bit, and made me feel a bit like I was a bad parent, sort of putting me on the back foot from the get go.

But the main thing was that this woman kind of zoned in on my daughter. My daughter was cranky and tired earlier, and she was in a new environment with lots of kids she didn’t know. She was particularly sensitive to the loud noises (the kids all had these flute toys they were blowing), covering her ears and crying. This woman kept saying “ah it’s a sensory thing” and talking about her daughter who is being assessed for ADHD and possibly autism. Saying things like “my daughter was like that when she was her age, she's clearly overwhelmed". She was really taking in my kid, and making little unsolicited comments like that. I just felt like we were both being watched...

The dynamic honestly felt like we were having an evaluation with a child psychologist and not at a play date! I left quite shaken and upset, feeling like a bad mother and worrying that my kid might have autism… and I’m just wondering if I’m being really oversensitive. Or did this woman cross a line? I don’t know her very well at all.

She overstepped the mark. Perhaps with strangers/newbies get a bog standard response - 'yes we are good thanks and you?'

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 14/02/2023 00:06

Been there, went away from interview playdate really pissed off but also confused, and comments were put nicely, but so rude.

I think she read so many parenting books she actually thought she was a parenting expert and was teaching me how to parent. She said she d taken me under her wing at one point. Cringe.

Don't do another play date for the love of God!

BornAgainViper · 14/02/2023 00:09

Nosecan · 13/02/2023 23:29

She could well be ND herself and saying things as she sees them without any ill intent. I have done this in the past (not to the same extent) and felt awful on reflection.

I wondered this too.

Dibbydoos · 14/02/2023 00:11

Hands over ears in response to loud sounds is a big red ASD flag.

The woman was not being rude, pulling you apart etc, she was observing and commenting. She was not criticising you, but trying to share her experience with you. Psychologists say concentrate on what I'd being said take the emotion out of it to hear the message. But, if you don't want to listen that's your perogative, but as a parent of a child with ASD and neurodiversity in the family, I think she may have a valid observation about your DD. Remember girls mask ASD much better than boys but it does not mean they cope any better, so if she might be ASD, best find out early so she can receive the right help and support.

Good luck.

ChildminderMum · 14/02/2023 00:11

That other mum is in a hard place.
Her child is being assessed for adhd and autism. That's a lot of stress.
Sounds like she thought she saw someone in a similar situation, struggling with their child, and over-empathised.

saraclara · 14/02/2023 00:14

She got over involved. But she's right abiut taking about your child in front of her. How would you like your friends to do that to you?

"Oh isn't Maizie looking tired and drawn these days? She must be really stressed out about her daughters behaviour. She really needs to get a grip on that"

WinnieFosterReads · 14/02/2023 00:20

When people you don't know ask how you are, they expect a standard 'fine' response. If you give them more than that eg you said you were tired and talked about your problems with your DD - then it opens up those topics for discussion. I also agree with PPs that the other DM is coming to terms with her DCs' diagnosis and thought you were a kindred soul.

Nowthenhere · 14/02/2023 00:20

If her children were assessed for a learning disability, would the assessment cover attachments between her and her daughter?

Because it sounds like she's been told that line and she's repeating it to you. She's been warned not to bitch about her child within earshot and now instead of taking that warning on, she's deflecting to others.

If this is the case, she could report back that she's just like everyone else (that she looked for faults with) a concerned parent.

If you come in contact with her again and she starts critiquing your parenting perhaps phrases like "are you okay?" And "I think I'll leave any concerns about my child's behaviour up to the experts" or "are you training in something? It's just that if you are using my family as a subject I don't think you're going to get very far" .

BadNomad · 14/02/2023 00:20

It just sounds like she was empathising with your daughter. Not attacking you. You really shouldn't talk about her in front of her. Some might say you shouldn't even be talking about her like that to strangers. She's a person in her own right and entitled to respect and privacy.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 14/02/2023 00:21

She might have been trying to outparent and patronise you, or just empathetic in a misguided way, or 100% right. Regardless, my best advice is 'don't spend time with people who make you feel shit about yourself'.

Bertha21 · 14/02/2023 00:24

She overstepped, you parent how you feel best. But maybe she thought your child had similar traits to her own I.e autism and thought she was best to mention it?

Lolabear38 · 14/02/2023 00:29

YANBU. Unsolicited advice, while maybe coming from a good place, is often really annoying. Especially if it’s the kind of advice that is more preachy.

Sometimes as parents we talk about things because we want advice, sometimes it’s because we just need to rant or get something off our chests. I try and wait to see which one it is before offering advice - and if I do offer advice see how it’s received before carrying on. Sounds like this woman should have done that?

DatasCat · 14/02/2023 00:31

This is the kind of thing that happens when you open up too much about sensitive matters to someone you don’t know. You feel relieved at first to talk, then begin to feel judged when they start to comment and you realise too late that you don’t actually like this person and should have kept your mouth shut. Been there, done that. Blush

user375242 · 14/02/2023 00:57

I've tipped off friends by saying 'I think little ears are listening' when the friend hasn't noticed their child is intently listening to everything they are saying, because small kids usually don't take these conversations in, but sometimes they actively do and the speaker is less likely to notice. I think it's more likely she was trying to tip you off and be helpful rather than judge you.

As for the sensory comments, you said you are tired and struggling with her and the example you gave about her screaming at certain songs and then seeing her cover her ears at loud noises means she's right to point out that she is having sensory issues. Sensory issues doesn't always mean autism, or neurodiversity, it could be something equally common and treatable like glue ear. But if you think suggesting neurodiversity is something wrong and offensive then you need to educate yourself.

ExistenceOptional · 14/02/2023 01:02

This is not a big deal. You do not have to agree with her assessment of your child. But you have different approaches, that is all. Don't overthink it.
And remember when those on here say she is awful, never talk to get again, etc etc that lots of women on MN say they find it very difficult to make friends. There are reasons for that.

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/02/2023 01:04

@Maizie83 Life is too short to be around people who make you feel bad about yourself. You don’t owe her another play date or any of your time.

It really isn’t ok to criticise someone’s parenting or admonish a parent in front of their child/ren. It is undermining that parent and has a negative impact on children.

She very much overstepped. She undermined you and showed a lack of basic respect.

I wouldn’t want her negative influence to affect my child so I wouldn’t invite her into my life or arrange any further play dates.

OldFan · 14/02/2023 01:12

I think you moaned to her about your life (albeit briefly) when you don't really know her, so she might've thought you were looking for some sort of solution.

I know some people do diss their kids in front of them, but others might see it as you being right at the end of your tether.

Lavender14 · 14/02/2023 01:14

I think it sounds like she's felt you were open to the conversation and was trying to support you in interpreting what was going on for your daughter. I do agree with her about not discussing your dd infront of her because sure they're all ears when we think they aren't listening but it's the easiest thing in the world to do when you're on a playdate and trying to catch up with the other parent so don't be too hard on yourself for that. I think I'd have struggled in a room full of small children with flutes to be fair! I think your dd is still little so let her grow and see who she turns out to be without putting any pressure on you or her. If your friend brings it up again and you're not open to the convo I'd just say she's too little for worrying about that yet and I'm keeping an eye out, then change the topic.

TulipsLilacs · 14/02/2023 01:15

Anyone with any sense would cover their ears if a bunch of 3 year olds were blowing flute toys!

OldFan · 14/02/2023 01:19

I have some ND traits and I can imagine saying stuff like this and just trying to be helpful. I didn't even know 'you look tired' was wrong until my 30s. I was just trying to be empathetic.😂 I often come out with the wrong thing as well.

Surely saying 'my kid was like that' is better than saying 'Oh, my Johnny would never behave like that?'