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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my children were more sociable with family members?

62 replies

harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 18:17

My children were mainly raised away from the bosom of extended family (grandparents, etc), due to ex husband and I living further away for work. Family members have always lived very close to each other and see each other regularly. It follows that my kids are on the outside a bit more, as they lack the day to day continuity that the others have always had.
However over the years, we've made an effort to get everyone together. My children and I live only an hour apart from them now, and have done for years.
The only thing is, my children (16 & 13) have no real interest in them, and are completely indifferent to their younger cousins (only a couple of years apart).
My sister visited for the day with her two kids, and it was embarrassing how little my girls wanted to interact with them. They would only do it under duress. It only highlights the divide between us all Sad On the one hand, I can't really blame my kids. On the other, I think 'FFS, would it really kill you to make a bit of effort?'
My sister's kids are really lovely, so it's not like they're having to interact with total brats!
My niece let it slip that she hadn't wanted to come today (not in an unkind way) and I think it's because my daughters verge on unfriendly. Or at least completely aloof.
That made me sad and I wish I'd laid the groundwork more when they were little. We did our best but it obviously wasn't enough.
I was brought up in the belief that family is everything, and I feel I've missed the brief with my own children!
As my sister was leaving, she joked to my girls that she was so pleased she'd made the 3 hour round trip, all for seeing my girls for just a few minutes Blush Their cousins were in the room with them for a bit longer than that though.
I'm a single parent who is used to being on my own lots with my kids. I'd really appreciate your advice on how to manage future family meet-ups. Am I too pushy or not pushy enough? I just feel under pressure when they're here to be doing more to make my kids interact (I do try, without completely forcing it, which I feel would be counterproductive!) and I know that my family will be talking about it Confused
Can anyone else relate to our particular family dynamic?
Gentle words would go down particularly well, as I feel a bit sad. I used to love family and cousin get-togethers when I was a child!
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 13/02/2023 18:21

The only thing is, my children (16 & 13) have no real interest in them, and are completely indifferent to their younger cousins (only a couple of years apart).
My sister visited for the day with her two kids, and it was embarrassing how little my girls wanted to interact with them. They would only do it under duress.

Until you posted that you were a single parent, I felt like I'd read this thread from your SiL's perspective on here last year.

Have you actually SPOKEN to your daughters about making more of an effort?

PuppyMonkey · 13/02/2023 18:23

Yikes, I’d have been the same as your kids at that age. People you barely know, be sociable to order. That’s a no from me.Grin

Original poster
harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 18:23

Interesting! It would be my sister though.
Yes, I have spoken to them about it, and did so prior to today's visit. I feel it helps to chat about things and set expectations in advance. However it makes no real difference when they get here.

OP posts:
Original poster
harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 18:23

Ok, maybe I've been unfair.

OP posts:
michellet86 · 13/02/2023 18:26

Most teens are like that with their family members, especially when they don't see them very often. I don't think you should worry too much

CountryMusicHottie · 13/02/2023 18:29

Some cousins are close, others not so much, even when you have spent lots of time together. You really can’t and shouldn’t force it. My kids are close to some of their cousins and not others. They prefer their friends to be honest. I can’t blame them, I prefer my friends to a lot of family members.😅 As long as they’re polite, let the relationships evolve naturally. As a pp said, being sociable to order, no thanks and I don’t expect that of my kids.

Alexandernevermind · 13/02/2023 18:30

They are strangers. I had close relationships with my cousins because we spent every Sunday teatime with them growing up. My DC don't have two words to say to their cousins because they only see them on special occasions. You won't get a close relationship just because they are blood, I know because I tried with my dc.

Original poster
harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 18:31

Many thanks everyone - really appreciate these replies.

OP posts:
Thehop · 13/02/2023 18:32

Jesus I would have hated this at their age. You're lucky they were polite really 😂

PeaceLilyCactus · 13/02/2023 18:32

I very rarely saw my cousins growing up and we only see each other at family functions organised by our parents. My kids are the same with their cousin. You’ve not done anything wrong OP.

lobeliasb · 13/02/2023 18:34

Sounds pretty normal for teens, tbh. I was the same when I was forced to interact with the extended family, but I outgrew it. Most teens don't really want to hang out with preteens either, so that's no surprise.

UncannySerenity · 13/02/2023 18:38

I would expect a certain amount of politeness from teens at that age. Whether it was cousins or other kids visiting. They sound a bit rude and I would not like that. Basic manners is speaking to your guests, however bored you are.

Original poster
harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 18:41

UncannySerenity · 13/02/2023 18:38

I would expect a certain amount of politeness from teens at that age. Whether it was cousins or other kids visiting. They sound a bit rude and I would not like that. Basic manners is speaking to your guests, however bored you are.

There was definitely politeness, but yes, I do know what you mean.
My niece was given a pair of Lululemon leggings that my daughter has grown out of, so it wasn't all bad Grin

OP posts:
AreBearsCatholic · 13/02/2023 18:41

I think it’s a red herring that they are related to the guests. Fundamentally it’s about how they are expected to behave to guests in the home.

FictionalCharacter · 13/02/2023 18:41

PuppyMonkey · 13/02/2023 18:23

Yikes, I’d have been the same as your kids at that age. People you barely know, be sociable to order. That’s a no from me.Grin

I agree. When I was a kid I absolutely hated family get-togethers with family members I barely knew. Being expected to socialise/ play with younger children would have been even more hideous. Just because they’re family and you think they’re lovely, doesn’t mean they will like each other and get on. “Under duress” sounds like you tried to force them, just as my parents did. Please don’t! They will be even more reluctant to engage with the cousins if you’re pushy.
Just accept that they are not close. They might get closer in a few years’ time as the age difference gets less significant, but they might not and it’s a reasonable choice for them to make.

whumpthereitis · 13/02/2023 18:45

being related doesn’t mean that people have to get on, or that they’ll naturally be inclined to closeness. I don’t think it necessarily matters that you didn’t get together much when they were smaller. Hell, siblings raised together aren’t guaranteed to be close.

at 13 and 16 I would have pushed back at any attempts to make me spend time with someone. It would push me in the opposite direction to what was intended tbh

Your daughters are different to you, and that’s okay. There’s no one way to ‘family’.

Phineyj · 13/02/2023 18:50

I think when you have infrequent visits you need something to break the ice or do together. It needs more planning as you can't just kick back and sit in comfortable silence the way you can with people you know better.

Babyroobs · 13/02/2023 18:53

My teens are similar. they only have one remaining grandparent having lost the other 3 in quick succession but when my dad does come round they find it awkward to speak to him. I find it sad that they don't have that close relationship that some kids have with their grandparents. They also have a cousin in the UC wo they barely even communicate with through social media.

Original poster
harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 18:54

Phineyj · 13/02/2023 18:50

I think when you have infrequent visits you need something to break the ice or do together. It needs more planning as you can't just kick back and sit in comfortable silence the way you can with people you know better.

So true.

OP posts:
Original poster
harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 18:54

Seriously, thank you everyone.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 13/02/2023 18:55

I disagree with most of the posters. I think your daughters are old enough to be friendly and welcoming. I only see/saw my cousins infrequently growing up but I still always made an effort with them when we did see them. I think it's sad that your nieces didn't want to come and visit because they don't feel welcome. They don't have to be best buddies but it's presumably only for a few hours.

PeekAtYou · 13/02/2023 18:58

Are your kids the extrovert type who meets new people and become friends quickly ? If not why would you expect them to become close to their cousins?

Is there common ground with the cousins ? What I mean is say they met at school - would they be friends? For example a sports mad girl might not get on with a girl who'd rather stay indoors with a book.

I think that doing something together might be the least awkward thing. It creates conversation and helps pass the time.

Original poster
harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 19:01

mynameiscalypso · 13/02/2023 18:55

I disagree with most of the posters. I think your daughters are old enough to be friendly and welcoming. I only see/saw my cousins infrequently growing up but I still always made an effort with them when we did see them. I think it's sad that your nieces didn't want to come and visit because they don't feel welcome. They don't have to be best buddies but it's presumably only for a few hours.

I think it's a bit sad too.
My niece and nephew did have a nice day, but this was largely down to me Smile

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 13/02/2023 19:01

whumpthereitis · 13/02/2023 18:45

being related doesn’t mean that people have to get on, or that they’ll naturally be inclined to closeness. I don’t think it necessarily matters that you didn’t get together much when they were smaller. Hell, siblings raised together aren’t guaranteed to be close.

at 13 and 16 I would have pushed back at any attempts to make me spend time with someone. It would push me in the opposite direction to what was intended tbh

Your daughters are different to you, and that’s okay. There’s no one way to ‘family’.

being related doesn’t mean that people have to get on, or that they’ll naturally be inclined to closeness. I don’t think it necessarily matters that you didn’t get together much when they were smaller. Hell, siblings raised together aren’t guaranteed to be close.

Agree with this. I had several cousins near my age and honestly the only ones I really got on with were the ones that had similar taste and backgrounds as me and didn’t bully me for not being like them like the other cousins did, but they were also the ones that I didn’t get to see as much.

We’re all better now though now that we are older and have children of our own.

Mariposista · 13/02/2023 19:04

When you say they weren't interacting with their cousins, what were they doing, given that you were all under one roof? Just staring into space? Outwardly ignoring them? Or just being a bit quiet?

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