To wish my children were more sociable with family members?

[harrassedmumto3]

My children were mainly raised away from the bosom of extended family (grandparents, etc), due to ex husband and I living further away for work. Family members have always lived very close to each other and see each other regularly. It follows that my kids are on the outside a bit more, as they lack the day to day continuity that the others have always had.
However over the years, we've made an effort to get everyone together. My children and I live only an hour apart from them now, and have done for years.
The only thing is, my children (16 & 13) have no real interest in them, and are completely indifferent to their younger cousins (only a couple of years apart).
My sister visited for the day with her two kids, and it was embarrassing how little my girls wanted to interact with them. They would only do it under duress. It only highlights the divide between us all On the one hand, I can't really blame my kids. On the other, I think 'FFS, would it really kill you to make a bit of effort?'
My sister's kids are really lovely, so it's not like they're having to interact with total brats!
My niece let it slip that she hadn't wanted to come today (not in an unkind way) and I think it's because my daughters verge on unfriendly. Or at least completely aloof.
That made me sad and I wish I'd laid the groundwork more when they were little. We did our best but it obviously wasn't enough.
I was brought up in the belief that family is everything, and I feel I've missed the brief with my own children!
As my sister was leaving, she joked to my girls that she was so pleased she'd made the 3 hour round trip, all for seeing my girls for just a few minutes Their cousins were in the room with them for a bit longer than that though.
I'm a single parent who is used to being on my own lots with my kids. I'd really appreciate your advice on how to manage future family meet-ups. Am I too pushy or not pushy enough? I just feel under pressure when they're here to be doing more to make my kids interact (I do try, without completely forcing it, which I feel would be counterproductive!) and I know that my family will be talking about it
Can anyone else relate to our particular family dynamic?
Gentle words would go down particularly well, as I feel a bit sad. I used to love family and cousin get-togethers when I was a child!
Thanks for reading.

Whilst I get your disappointment I don't think your girls have done anything wrong. Imagine if they had their own friends over but you were forced to socialise with their mum for the duration. So your daughter's are saying "Go on Mum, show Katie's mum your new duvet set/holiday snaps/ ideas for a new hair do...." "Oh mum loves Strictly. You could watch it together".
You can't force a friendship. Agree minimum levels of politeness, but let them do as they normally would. Personally if I was your child and you kept putting me in this position I'd probably crack and end up being rude. At their ages I'd be making hasty plans to be out that day.
I know some people will say it's about politeness but it's really not 'polite' of you to force them to behave the way you want. It's controlling, bullying and unfair

I know exactly what you’re wishing for but I don’t think your kids are wrong on this one. It’s okay to be disappointed you didn’t do anything wrong either it’s just the way life goes sometimes.

I was the same. I think I always ‘had homework’ 😂 it was all so terrifyingly awkward

Do they kids know each other very well?

How often have they seen each other over the years?

It could just be that at your daughters ages they wouldn't be inclined to play with younger cousins, especially if they don't have a pre-existing relationship.

To be honest, I'm the cousin (out of about 10 of us) that's isn't close to the family. They all stayed in my home town, I moved away. We don't have much in common and our lives are completely different. I'm fine with that.

We live closer than you and honestly my children are not fussed about their cousins at all one will actively avoid, one will indulge for a small amount of time the youngest untill one of the boys no doubt hurts her.

Just because they are family doesn’t mean they share anything else in common or have to be best buddies.

It’s hard with younger cousins, who you don’t see often. My older cousin by about 6 years wasn’t interested in me until I could go down the pub with her at 14.

Can you find some common ground? You need to do an agreed activity, preferably something your girls would like to do and the younger ones too. Eg going to mini golf, ice skating, bowling or an even a sport, if everyone is of a similar level.

I understand how you feel.
My dc 13&12 can barely muster a hello to family members and I'm highly embarrassed and feel I need to overcompensate.
These same family members look forward to seeing my dc, make an effort to chat and always ask after them as well as sending thoughtful gifts for Birthdays and Christmas.
I'm embarrassed tbh.

Agree that an activity like mini golf might be better… it’s hard to get teens to make small talk.

My kids are 11 and 14 and exactly the same it's so embarrassing! They used to be close but their age and different personalities makes it impossible.

Well, if they don't have any regular contacts and haven't grown up together then it is normal for them not to have any kind of friendship/close relationship.

Being related to someone doesn't mean you get on with them or have any kind of connection.

Also what do you expect them to do? seat there, smile and chat for hours with relatives they almost never see? rather a boring prospect for any teenager...

What are they like with friends or other children are clubs? If I'm honest I don't think it has anything to do with family - some children are raised to be sociable and how to make small talk and to respond and make conversation when adults or others talk to them...and some children just aren't raised that way. I'm sorry OP they do sound a bit ignorant and rude and I'd have been mortified if my children did this. I'd have spoken to them in advance and set out expectations when family visited and this would include making their cousins feel welcome, not hiding away in their bedrooms and making conversation. The 16 year old should definitely know better

Get something like a Nintendo switch.

Get a game 2- 4 can play together. Some of the party games- mario party or similar

And you wont get them away from it.

I think the age of your children is part of the problem. Teenagers can be very awkward and they don’t have the confidence that an older person would have .
Maybe next time organise to go out somewhere interesting .

Or just take them bowling

My parents were both only children and extremely / painfully self contained. As a child my mother was happiest reading in her room and hated it when friends came round to play. My father was socially awkward all his life. As a result we had no cousins and didn't go to friends of my parents and play with their children because they just didn't have any. My father didn't have a single friend for his entire life. Because of all this we were painfully shy. There are 3 of us and we are very ,very close in age so we always had each other to play with so didn't need to learn to play with other people. My brain used to turn to mush when we met someone they knew in the street. We would be expected to speak clearly and confidently but none of us could do it. Once you know you can do it it just makes the next time 1000 million times worse. My mum had a cousin and his children were a similar age to us. If we stayed with our grandparents they would always visit. It was excruciating. It makes me feel sick thinking about it. Their daughter was very pretty, had a fabulous shiny bob haircut and did ballet that she liked to demonstrate. I had mousy hair , awful clothes and was gangly and sooo massively awkward. Everyone gushed over how fabulous X was whilst I sat and wanted the ground to swallow me .It really didn't help my lack of confidence. My grandads brother ( one of 9) used to come on his way to the football. He was incredibly loud, probably because he was one of nine. He had this game where he would throw a rubber mouse into the room and then shout ( in a Derbyshire accent) " Bluddy 'ell a rubba maaaase". He thought it was hilarious. We just wanted to get behind the sofa and hide until he had gone. The louder he got,the more we hid, so the louder he got. I didn't become less awkward until I left home and went to college.Now I am very at ease meeting new people and being in any social situation. I really enjoy it. It was only because there was no longer any expectation that I would behave in a particular way. My father's very worst habit was to dissect all the interactions afterwards and to criticise everything and suggest improvements for next time; hilarious given he couldn't do small talk for his entire life. He wanted us to be confident but his, and my mother's, behaviour made it impossible. It might be very much easier for your daughters if you met up at a farm park or a go ape type thing so they are doing 'a thing' rather than having to forcibly play and to just let them be. You may find that they start to play if there is no expectation but trying to force it will just make it more stressful for them.
Sorry its so long.

"some children are raised to be sociable and how to make small talk and to respond and make conversation when adults or others talk to them...and some children just aren't raised that way. I'm sorry OP they do sound a bit ignorant and rude and I'd have been mortified if my children did this."

Honestly I don't think it's as simple as that. I am extremely sociable, friendly, and good at making conversation. I tried to raise my teen that way, but he's a shy introvert who struggles with people he doesn't know. He's well able to make conversation with people he knows and can be delightful company but finds it very difficult with strangers. Do I find this rude? Yes. Am I mortified? Yes! Do I think he'd be any different if I'd raised him differently? Probably not.

I used to see some of my cousins once a year at Christmas. Fine when we were little and all played with toys but by teens we had nothing in common and hardly spoke. Never see them at all now. Not even fb friends. Sad really.

I would feel the same as you OP but I think you’re taking on too much responsibility for this dynamic. You can’t force it really & even if the cousins had been close as young children they might not be as teenagers. I only have one daughter & she’s much younger than your girls but because she’s an only I feel a lot of responsibility to create social opportunities for her. But I’ve realised that I can only create the opportunities & I can’t guarantee they will be successful!

I think I would have died with awkwardness personally if I were your teens! You can’t force it unfortunately.

You describe being on the outside of the wider family, and it sounds like you’ve made lots of effort… but has your sister made a similar amount of effort with your DDs? It goes both ways.

I agree with a lot of PPs.

Firstly a few years gap can be huge at that age - how much younger are the cousins?

Secondly meeting without a shared activity to counter awkwardness is hard

But this

As my sister was leaving, she joked to my girls that she was so pleased she'd made the 3 hour round trip, all for seeing my girls for just a few minutes doesn't sound much of a joke, it sounds like a dig at your DDs, and kinda mean tbh. And guaranteed to make them more awkward the next time!

Mine were the same, youngest still is. Those years are peek awkwardness.
A couple of years apart can be a lot at that age.
Mine have cousins that are about 5 / 7 years younger , makes things easier as there's no pressure for them to be best pals.
Eldest now complains that eg her uncle hasn't conversed with her, probably forgetting the years of awkwardness.

I think that schools don't help in this regard. People generally socialise with their year group with the occasional plus or minus a year so I can imagine a couple of years being a big deal. If yours are 16 and 13 then I'm assuming that the younger cousins are early secondary/late primary.
I have a 16yo who has a cousin that he is indifferent to and if he was visiting then ds would probably go out with a football or basketball then take him to the coop to get some sweets as that's what him and his friends "do" and it's the easiest way to spend time with someone much younger.

You could be right there. My son is a swimmer, and even though he is 14, he has friends who are 17, and also others who are 11. The club is like a second family to them, so they wouldn't not be mates with someone on the grounds of their age. But if you don't have that experience it would be easy to pass off younger children as 'babyish' and 'I have nothing in common with them'.

My dcs were the oldest cousins and the younger ones were always desperate to see them. It was especially tough on my daughter, who was expected by relatives to want to look after them. DS, on the other hand, was allowed to slope off. I never pushed any relationships on them. I'm sure they would have resented it.

@harrassedmumto3.

Sometimes you need to prime the dc before hand and help them see what the little ones feel.

Eg when we have the odd rare visitor I say to mine they are not expected to entertain the small dc all day but they must make some effort at interaction and I help them with toys and ideas of what to do. I also said after the initial playing they can tag team.

I reminded them of how when they were little they adored someone interaction with them. Of their ages and it means a lot. They must be polite a d make Ana bit of effort.

I wouldn't expect this to just happen unless the dc were well used to smaller dc...