To wish my children were more sociable with family members?

[harrassedmumto3]

My children were mainly raised away from the bosom of extended family (grandparents, etc), due to ex husband and I living further away for work. Family members have always lived very close to each other and see each other regularly. It follows that my kids are on the outside a bit more, as they lack the day to day continuity that the others have always had.
However over the years, we've made an effort to get everyone together. My children and I live only an hour apart from them now, and have done for years.
The only thing is, my children (16 & 13) have no real interest in them, and are completely indifferent to their younger cousins (only a couple of years apart).
My sister visited for the day with her two kids, and it was embarrassing how little my girls wanted to interact with them. They would only do it under duress. It only highlights the divide between us all On the one hand, I can't really blame my kids. On the other, I think 'FFS, would it really kill you to make a bit of effort?'
My sister's kids are really lovely, so it's not like they're having to interact with total brats!
My niece let it slip that she hadn't wanted to come today (not in an unkind way) and I think it's because my daughters verge on unfriendly. Or at least completely aloof.
That made me sad and I wish I'd laid the groundwork more when they were little. We did our best but it obviously wasn't enough.
I was brought up in the belief that family is everything, and I feel I've missed the brief with my own children!
As my sister was leaving, she joked to my girls that she was so pleased she'd made the 3 hour round trip, all for seeing my girls for just a few minutes Their cousins were in the room with them for a bit longer than that though.
I'm a single parent who is used to being on my own lots with my kids. I'd really appreciate your advice on how to manage future family meet-ups. Am I too pushy or not pushy enough? I just feel under pressure when they're here to be doing more to make my kids interact (I do try, without completely forcing it, which I feel would be counterproductive!) and I know that my family will be talking about it
Can anyone else relate to our particular family dynamic?
Gentle words would go down particularly well, as I feel a bit sad. I used to love family and cousin get-togethers when I was a child!
Thanks for reading.

Ps last summer we had a few small visitors and my two had. Definitely not only became better at "what to do" but they had more fun overall and also were able to say when they had had enough.

At 16 and 13 I'd really lay the law down beforehand and insist they don't just "make an effort " but actively work to make the guests welcome and entertain them.
Promise a reward afterwards if they do it well.

My mum insisted on my dd and my dsis's dc getting together regularly.

She facilitated it.

It often wasn't happy.

My niece in particular was often not kind to my daughter.

It caused a lot of stress at the time over a lot of years

I'm sooooo glad my mum did this. My dd is the youngest and she's 21 now and the kids love each other
Family is important.
But you can't force it, I don't think.

If they weren't familiar with each other in their formulative years, they're not going to suddenly be now

When my nan was alive, the family used to regularly meet up at her house. We (the cousins) all knew each other but didn't play together or really interact. We were there with our parents and they were the ones interacting. I was the oldest and didn't really get on with any of them as I was at least 3 or 4 years older.
I haven't really seen any of my cousins since she died 40 years ago and obviously wouldn't know any of them if I passed them in the street. Some of the younger ones still meet up with each other.
You can't force a relationship. Just because siblings have a relationship doesn't mean their children should.

My children are polite to their cousins when they see them, and they do have more common interests with some more than others, but they are not particularly close with any of them and aren't really interested in being so. I imagine it's mutual. My MIL seems to think that her grandchildren should all have some kind of special bond, by virtue of their shared 12.5% DNA or whatever it is, but the reality is that they don't. They don't have anything against each other but they have grown up hundreds of miles apart with very different interests and lives and that doesn't magically change when they meet at Christmas or whatever. All I ask of my children in such situations is that they are pleasant and polite, as they should be to any guest.
I guess it's probably different if you grow up near to your cousins and spend a lot of time with them in your formative years, but if you don't, there is no reason that you should be any closer to them than anyone else really. If you've had that experience of a large, close extended family it is understandable that you would value it and want it for your own children, but unfortunately I don't think you can force the situation. And at 13 and 16, even a couple of years age difference can feel like a lot, so your DC's may feel like they are being made to spend time with younger kids who are basically strangers. As time goes on, the age difference may become less significant and they'll perhaps feel they have more in common when they are a bit older. If my children are anything to go by, any attempts to manipulate them into seeing more of their cousins is likely to be counterproductive I'm afraid.

My kids only see their relatives every few years at most. But they are always excited to meet them and want to interact /be friendly although they are shy and awkward. Maybe your kids see enough of your family and they have just decided they're not interested and don't value them. I don't know why that could be.

I think you need to plan their interactions better for awhile. Do an outing where they would all have fun - like a trampoline park, or go out for pizza somewhere so they can't just leave the table and go back to their rooms. Or for home buy a special multi- player game for whatever console they have that is child friendly. The Mario games or similar are quite good for that.

They need to actually spend time together to get to know each other so you need to facilitate that.

If it helps OP. My cousin and I are 12 years different in age . I remember her as a baby. We only saw each other at family occasions growing up. Now we are adults and our parents have died the family ties have brought us together . We are now great friends who make the effort to see each other despite living a distance apart and speak on the phone most weeks .

How did they only spend a few minutes with them? If they made a 3 hour round trip, then surely there was a meal involved? I would have made my dc join us at the table at least, and if they were not polite and sociable during that time I would be very cross with them, not to mention really embarrassed by their behaviour.

Really hard OP as someone who has felt the closeness of a very sisterly cousin relationship I k ow how important that has been to me. My kid hasn't grown up with hers but she is home from abroad now after 8 years but they clicked together like lego. Less so for a cousin he grew up down the road from. It may jut be that they have totally different personalities.

Yes it definitely needs an outing or activity like Go Ape or Laser Tag or something. What were they supposed to do with younger cousins all day in their room? Play Barbie or dress up?
My older teen DD's read and listen to music or faff about they don't play.
When we get together with cousins it might be a bbq or something and they all chat with the adults and eat etc but we don't expect them to go off together and hang out.
You can't make them be best buddies but you could facilitate some fun meet ups. Canping was always a laugh just for a night or 2 something that everyone mucks about together.

Same here.

However it will change as your daughters get older, op. I don't know why but it just does, quite naturally.