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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DH?

75 replies

Shf1234 · 12/02/2023 10:13

Last night DH and I were having a casual chat about couples who divorce or split and then he made the comment that he’d be annoyed if I got 50% of the house because he’d paid the mortgage.

Im a sahm, we both chose that but his view was it was annoying I’d be entitled to 50% of our house because I haven’t paid the mortgage.

As a side note whilst being a sahm I do a few bits of self employed work to bring in some money to pay for all kids clubs, their things etc.

AIBU to feel upset about this view?

OP posts:

AnuSTart · 12/02/2023 10:16

YANBU.
The fact is you are doing a job and contributing. He just doesn't see the value in it.
If I were you, I'd tell him that you have decided to go back to work full-time in order to contribute financially. Before telling him go and collect quotes for nurseries etc and tell him he'll be paying a pro-rata amount according to salary. Draft a housework schedule and write on what he'll be doing etc.

AnuSTart · 12/02/2023 10:17

Also why are you paying for all the kids stuff etc.
If this is symptomatic of a general attitude to you then I would be seriously questioning things.
I had this with my ex.

Botw1 · 12/02/2023 10:17

I'd be going back to work ASAP

Ortegaa · 12/02/2023 10:17

Now that you know this is his view, I would definitely be getting a job and paying my own way, and make sure he pays half the childcare fees when everything is being shared.

Ponoka7 · 12/02/2023 10:17

He doesn't value your contribution. I'd be asking him how you going back to work would work on the basis that he doesn't value you. Then see if he rethinks things. You're saving him his share of the childcare. Should he get 50/50, he didn't grow the children, or risk his life, or have his body change.

namechange1487 · 12/02/2023 10:18

Calculate your time for all childcare, household chores, shopping, cooking etc then add an extra for carrying a child for 9 months, body depreciation costs etc then give it to him and give 30 days for settlement!

Cheeky sod

aSofaNearYou · 12/02/2023 10:19

I mean his attitude sounds shit, but how old are the kids? You're description of the things you do for them make them sound school age.

isthewashingdryyet · 12/02/2023 10:19

Don’t tell him you will get half his pension too. :)

but he is telling you who he is so back to work as soon as you can, as you will need to support yourself one day

Barleysugar86 · 12/02/2023 10:20

I had the house before we married and my husband is the stay at home parent while the kids are young. Yes having him force the sale of the house would be heartbreaking if we split, but I consider our income joint because we are both knackered from doing all the things needed to keep our house ticking over. He is being very unfair and you should call him out on it.

Roundabout78 · 12/02/2023 10:21

He’s showing you have he values you, OP. It’s a worrying and sad attitude to have. Maybe get a quote for full time childcare fees for both your kids, show him that and see what he thinks.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/02/2023 10:23

He’s a twat and I’d call him out for that. He clearly doesn’t value you or what to do to enable him to have good job and “pay the mortgage”

Warrensrabbit · 12/02/2023 10:26

Tell him your going back to work and he needs to pick up 50% of the childcare and housework from now on

onionringcheeseypuff · 12/02/2023 10:27

He doesn't think what you do is important

You don't make money, never mind the fact being a Sahm means you save the family considerable childcare fees and no doubt you allow your DH the mental and physical time to dedicate to his career earning the actual money without any need for him to flexitime his work, worry about who does school events, takes time off work for sick kids etc.

He just doesn't think you are as important as him because you don't make money and really every thing is his isn't it?

billy1966 · 12/02/2023 10:27

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I think you should be looking at returning to FT work.

You have married a man who doesn't value you or your contribution and that makes you very vulnerable.

AnotherSpare · 12/02/2023 10:28

By his logic then, if you split you should be entitled to 100% of the kids, since you are at home full time raising them and he is out working elsewhere?
He's showing you exactly how he sees you and your role in the family. This would be an early warning flag for me.

vivainsomnia · 12/02/2023 10:30

You say you both chose you to be a sahm. Could it be that he assumed you'd be going back to work after the children were at the age they are now?

I thi l you need a serious discussion. Maybe he is not as happy that you are a sahm now as you are assuming.

Karwomannghia · 12/02/2023 10:30

Yep call his bluff and say you’re going to start working and expect him to do half the housework, childcare and child sick leave then. Then say you’ve got work to do and leave him with the kids while you go and look for a job.

Isheabastard · 12/02/2023 10:30

Yes of course. You are contributing to the marriage in non monetary ways, which enable him to earn enough to pay the mortgage.

you could try and bluff him and say that you’ll both share the earning power and childcare. It’s probably impractical and most likely you would end up with more on your plate.

I would suggest you take your earned money and start putting some of it in a pension for yourself. Also make sure you know what money is coming in and out, I didn’t.

I am divorcing after 30 years marriage after being a STAHM. During the marriage my ex told me that raising our child would always be more important than any job he had.

However, once we stated discussing divorce it suddenly became his money.

Theres a very good reason why the law protects women who have been stahm or low earners while married. If you did ever divorce (heaven forbid), he’s in for a shock.

Other posters will say get a job so you have some say in the marriage. The problem is that the work load of job, children, house is hardly ever split evenly.

Get the book Invisible Women, and keep reading it out aloud to your Dh.

oh and by the way he’s a dick.

Original poster

Shf1234 · 12/02/2023 10:30

Thanks for replies so far.

We both purchased this house together using full time salaries so it’s completely ours.

Our children are 2 and 5. The 2 year old goes to a pre- school a couple of mornings a week, this is when I do my self employed work.

I thought we were on the same page especially as we worked through all the financials when I stopped working. The comment just really hurt and I wondered if I was just being sensitive or actually if it’s a pretty rubbish thing to say.

I did let him know I wasn’t happy with it but he just said ‘from a financial point of view when you’ve paid for something it would be rubbish to lose half’.

OP posts:

Karwomannghia · 12/02/2023 10:32

And from a practical and moral point of view?

Original poster

Shf1234 · 12/02/2023 10:33

Oh and I did make the point, so by that logic as I birthed the children and have pretty much done 95% of the childcare, if we split they’re 95% mine then are they?

OP posts:

FelicityFleur · 12/02/2023 10:34

So, he doesn’t expect to have any input into bringing up your kids then? Seeing as you gave it work to be a full time parent? Obviously it would be rubbish for him to then expect any say in their upbringing.

no? Thought not. Tosser.

FelicityFleur · 12/02/2023 10:35

aha, cross post. And what was his response?

GoodChat · 12/02/2023 10:35

It sounds like the balance isn't weighted as you thought it was. I'd be going back to work as he clearly doesn't value what you do at home.

Natty13 · 12/02/2023 10:35

Did you point out that you do have a job which is 24/7 and working for your family which enables him to be out the house at his job without compromising the children?

I'd have agreed with him yes, how unfair that is. I'll start looking for full time job ASAP. Then we can split mortgage 50/50. Also needing to be split 50/50 the childcare while you're both out the house £X, cleaner £X, laundry service (unless you think you could manage to keep on top of all the cleaning and laundry round your work hours darling?), he will need to make sure he finished work sharpish a few nights a week to take DC to their activities (I could do the swimming lessons Mon and Thurs and you can take DD to football and gymnastics Tues and Wed?), we will need to make a plan for the food shop and cooking all the meals. Let's block out some time this afternoon to see how this will work out fairly. The reality is by you being a SAHM you're saving him a huge amount of both time and money and if he can't see that already I'd help him to understand it in terms he does get - £££.

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