AIBU to be upset with DH?

[Shf1234]

Last night DH and I were having a casual chat about couples who divorce or split and then he made the comment that he’d be annoyed if I got 50% of the house because he’d paid the mortgage.

Im a sahm, we both chose that but his view was it was annoying I’d be entitled to 50% of our house because I haven’t paid the mortgage.

As a side note whilst being a sahm I do a few bits of self employed work to bring in some money to pay for all kids clubs, their things etc.

AIBU to feel upset about this view?

Yes OP please tell me your NI contributions are up to date. It’s very easy to check.

Of course he agreed to you being a SAHM when it financially benefited him. Don’t forget this, this is what he thinks and how much he values you. Apparently, supporting his career by disadvantaging your earning potential shouldn’t financially impact him. Let this be the catalyst to improving your earning potential and not letting this twat think that the things you do aren’t financially benefiting him. Urgh, entitled twat.

TBH I think lots of men think this deep down
I work with a lot of men and a high proportion of them do

Very common view isnt it? Just goes to show how women are devalued.

Ok, I HAVE been in this position, gave up my career to enable ex H to follow his. Had children, I was SAHM discussed and agreed and then 20+ years later I was left high and dry.

If I could go back in time I would work part time (at least) so my career still was viable, instead I had to go to college when we split up and get some new qualifications as mine were classed as historical. I started at the bottom of the ladder again and had to fast track my self up over a couple of years again. I will stay where I am now for a while but never again would I give up my career for a man/children.

I also never thought ex H would do what he did, or many other things but I learned he never valued what I did at home with the children. I was just the unpaid facilitator of everyone else's needs.

Get yourself a part time job and ensure he does his fair share of domestic chores/life admin.

Damn it when will this thinking be done!?

It won't as long as we as women pretend it's not happening or it's rare or they don't really think this way. They do.

I for sure see his immature, superficial and his ill-defined thinking.

I bought a house, all my own money, my then husband quit work so he'd be around for the kids, I carried on paying for childcare and he did sweet nothing around the house. I got divorced. I do not and would not want to give him a penny.

You on the other hand have equally contributed. In the 21st century contribution is important. And women should look after themselves. Long gone are the days thank goodness of the kept woman. You have had your children and look after the home. If he does not see this as an equal contribution then this says all that you need to know about him. Frankly I'm appalled and I would struggle to ever forget that.
You need to get back to FT work asap to protect your future.

You are 100% right. Even men who fancy themselves as all new and modern. They still think like the OP’s DH

I saw this meme on Facebook the other day.

Man: I’m a provider
Woman: Ok then provide
Man: No, you’re a gold digger

You are not unreasonable to be mad. You are both working hard for your family. Just because your work is unpaid doesn’t mean your contribution is less valuable.

What an idiot, remind him that if you were working he would have paid £x in childcare, £y for a cleaner and £z for laundry/ironing and that is your financial share of the house.

This really doesn't work. Because if she was working she'd share those costs and share the cost of the mortgage and other bills so she'd likely still be in debit to him. It's her salary sacrifice for the benefit of their joint children that is the appropriate measure but even then its not really a matter of mathematics ; it's a matter of principle- valuing unpaid labour and sacrifice that was jointly agreed.

You clearly live a very different life to most of us.

eithre way, it’s a ridiculous argument and her worth is not she’s cheaper than outsourcing. Ffs.

I don’t think you can have a “casual conversation” about what would happen if you divorce without someone’s feelings getting hurt or anger surfacing. I’m not sure why you expected to be on the same page- even men or women who casually say oh yes youd get at least half or oh no, I wouldn’t ask for so much turn into completely different people when divorcing. It often becomes a competition on who can I fuck their ex over the most.

So I wouldn’t really care what he says that you do or don’t like- it’s not going to bear any resemblance to what would really happen if you did divorce.

This attitude is awful! You're a team. His money is your money.

It’s very difficult to put full context into it, I’d have written an essay. However, the conversation arose when discussing a couple I know who have separated. It wasn’t meant to be about us, but then that comment came from him and I was surprised.

It’s true you can never say how you’d be unless in that situation but for me it’s core values, and on this I feel we are misaligned.

Thanks so much everyone for your input, we have since had a discussion and he has again sincerely apologised, said he wasn’t considering the full picture and that he understands why I’d feel so hurt. He’s said all the right things so I’m hoping it was just a misjudgement as he’s never given me the impression he’s like that before.

In general other than being a bit messy I can’t complain about him, nothing like this has been said before, however this has made me look at things a bit differently. When I get the opportunity I am going to get myself more financially secure as I guess you never know what can happen.

He’s made it clear he sees absolutely no value in what you do.

Does he not realise that he couldn’t do that job if you weren’t doing all of the childcare, plus keeping the house going etc?

Git.

I would consider going back to work in those circumstances and insisting that he do half of everything you’ve been doing.

Also you’d probably get more than 50% in a divorce because the starting point is the needs of the parties, esp the housing needs of children, not any set percentage.

He meant what he said, & you can’t undo that. This is the problem, what they say to you & what they actually really think are 2 completely different things. I worked with men for years. He didn’t appear to be considering the kids at all when he was annoyed about you getting 50%, considering that most women will get custody.

I don’t understand comments like this. Childcare is a thing. Cleaning can he done after work. No one needs a stay at home parent, unless there are extenuating circumstances. Of course he can do his job without the op staying home.

and op, course he’s apologised. Doesn’t change what he thinks though.

what does getting yourself more financially secure look like to you? Work, pensions, what?

So does he think would you be “entitled” to the kids 100% because you were the one who created them and provided their care? He’s an idiot.

^^ This. Dont forget gardener, decorator, nurse, night nanny, secretary etc.

Tell him he owes you a hell of a lot more then he does you.

He’d have to pay for the childcare. And use his own time doing the housework.

So without the OP staying at home he wouldn’t have free childcare. Therefore what she does has a monetary value.

Cleaners are also “a thing” so if he wanted to put his feet up after work he’d have to pay for that too.

PS Ive never been a SAHM and always worked full time. So no vested interest in the Op’s position.

Clearly he sees the children as just your very expensive and tiresome pets/hobby and he would, of course, be SAD if he lost them, but could then easily get some other mug to grow him more kids if he really missed family life.

CHILDREN ARE NOT THE MOTHER'S BLOODY HOBBY

He’d have to pay for the childcare. And use his own time doing the housework.

If OP worked, he'd only have to pay half the childcare and do half the housework.

So without the OP staying at home he wouldn’t have free childcare. Therefore what she does has a monetary value.

Absolutely - but when people say things like "write down the money he's saved on cleaners, gardeners and secretaries" it just gets silly. Most families don't spend money on any of those things.

Cleaners are also “a thing” so if he wanted to put his feet up after work he’d have to pay for that too.

Again, most people just do it themselves 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t know which way to vote. YANBU on the face of it but… he’s not wrong. You didn’t pay for the house.

We bought this our second house together in 2013. My partner put in some savings as equity, and has paid off lump sums of the mortgage from bonuses and a redundancy payment in the years since. He hasn’t benefitted from these monies other than reducing the mortgage payments.

in 2018 we split up for 10 months at a time that coincided with remortgaging (coincidental). He bought me out and I have those funds sat in high interest savings.

If we split again (which we won’t as we’ve sorted our differences), I wouldn’t expect 50% of the house. We may both contribute to the running of the household, but in terms of actual financial equity at least 60% of this house was paid for solely by him, with his funds from hard earned savings and redundancy payments. I have equally got my own savings and ‘nest egg’ for DDs future / retirement / emergencies / whatever else I see fit to spend it on. He saw fit to spend it on the house. I respect that and just as he’s not entitled to my savings (we have joint savings as well), I’m not entitled to his, which happen to be in the bricks and mortar of our house.