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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset with DH?

75 replies

Shf1234 · 12/02/2023 10:13

Last night DH and I were having a casual chat about couples who divorce or split and then he made the comment that he’d be annoyed if I got 50% of the house because he’d paid the mortgage.

Im a sahm, we both chose that but his view was it was annoying I’d be entitled to 50% of our house because I haven’t paid the mortgage.

As a side note whilst being a sahm I do a few bits of self employed work to bring in some money to pay for all kids clubs, their things etc.

AIBU to feel upset about this view?

OP posts:
FelicityFleur · 12/02/2023 10:37

Did you tell him you expect him to give up his career expectations and future earnings to become a sahp so you can go back to work and earn yourself a proper share of the family home then? And what was his response to this proposed act of self sacrifice on his part for the family unit?

Original poster
Shf1234 · 12/02/2023 10:38

He did apologise at that point and say my point was valid. But then tried to explain his reasoning with ‘from a financial point of view if you pay 100% of something, it would be annoying to lose 50%’

OP posts:
honeylulu · 12/02/2023 10:41

How hurtful. I'd tell him it's a good thing the law doesn't share his view because it is more likely as RP you'd get 60-70% of the house and with good reason because where does he think the children and their RP are going to live? Or does he expect you to just disappear so he has to juggle FT work and all care of the children? Because without a fair share of equity you won't be able to afford to house them and you'll have to work FT yourself but on a starter salary and live in a house share. Once you've reminded him of that tell him he'd better keep you sweet so that you don't want to divorce him. Pillock.

Gawpygertie · 12/02/2023 10:41

Shf1234 · 12/02/2023 10:38

He did apologise at that point and say my point was valid. But then tried to explain his reasoning with ‘from a financial point of view if you pay 100% of something, it would be annoying to lose 50%’

So he doesn't value the financial costs of caring for his dc.
Ask him what he would do if he became a widower and had to pay for childcare.
I would be actively looking for work and ensure he paid half of childcare.

Gawpygertie · 12/02/2023 10:44

My dh always says he couldn't have had his career without me.
I only ever worked pt after having dc but my dh considers my contribution absolutely equal.

3487642l · 12/02/2023 10:45

Agree with all the pps.

His mindset is from the 1950s!

He clearly hasn't got the memo that modern society views women as equal to men, and their contributions are seen as equal; Your time is as valuable as his and he is not worth more than you, therefore the things that result from both of your efforts each day are shared equally. His wage is shared family income. This is the modern-day view and maybe he'd like to join us in 2023?

His attitude makes him sound very unattractive.

PinkiOcelot · 12/02/2023 10:45

What a twat!

Testina · 12/02/2023 10:48

Shf1234 · 12/02/2023 10:33

Oh and I did make the point, so by that logic as I birthed the children and have pretty much done 95% of the childcare, if we split they’re 95% mine then are they?

Which you probably thought was a killer line?

Sadly, it’s not. Because the type of arse who thinks he paid for the house, is the type that will expect you to continue to fuck over your financial prospects post divorce with 95% of child responsibilities.

Original poster
Shf1234 · 12/02/2023 10:50

Gawpygertie · 12/02/2023 10:44

My dh always says he couldn't have had his career without me.
I only ever worked pt after having dc but my dh considers my contribution absolutely equal.

This is what upsets me. I had a part-time job, but we chose for me to stop so that he could focus on his career and he really is doing very well, he is earning 8x more than I did and I support that… and I could focus on the children whilst they’re so young. I never thought he didn’t value what I do, and he often says ‘I couldn’t do what you do, you’re a fantastic mum’ etc but then this comment came and I was shocked. I didn’t think he thought like that.

OP posts:
Celinia · 12/02/2023 10:56

If he sat down and worked out the care costs for your children I think he’d change his tune. 2 children in full time nursery in my area would cost approx £1300 per month. Over the past 2 yrs, your home care has saved approx £28-33k! Not sure about funded or subsidised costs. School holiday club for 2 children costs £290 per week. That’s a huge chunk of money over 4-5 yrs.

Cocobutt · 12/02/2023 10:57

YANBU in your situation.

But I do think it’s unfair that if I worked and contributed more to my home and then my husband decided to leave and go off with another woman, he could take half.

28January · 12/02/2023 10:59

I would point out that if his earning capacity is greater than yours if you split (probably based on the fact that you sacrificed your career!) you would probably get more than 50%. What a horrible twat of a man you are married to.

Roundabout78 · 12/02/2023 11:04

Cocobutt · 12/02/2023 10:57

YANBU in your situation.

But I do think it’s unfair that if I worked and contributed more to my home and then my husband decided to leave and go off with another woman, he could take half.

Equally though, he could have an affair in work and leave OP for another woman, leaving the op high and dry with limited earning potential and two small kids to care for?
(OP I’m sure he won’t! Just an example of it works both ways)

RealBecca · 12/02/2023 11:46

🙄 silly man hasnt thought that if you pay bills, food shop, kids, that's still money earnt and spent even if it's not an investment that pays back. Perhaps look to juggle so you both pay 50% of the mortgage and he can take on more of the non-investment Bill's.

I hope you told him about enabling his earning potential and have done something financial to make sure your NI contributions and a personal pension equal to his are being contributed to from household funds?

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2023 11:50

Shf1234 · 12/02/2023 10:38

He did apologise at that point and say my point was valid. But then tried to explain his reasoning with ‘from a financial point of view if you pay 100% of something, it would be annoying to lose 50%’

Did you point out that you being a SAHM facilitates him earning what he does?

I'd be job-hunting sharpish

Nanny0gg · 12/02/2023 11:51

Cocobutt · 12/02/2023 10:57

YANBU in your situation.

But I do think it’s unfair that if I worked and contributed more to my home and then my husband decided to leave and go off with another woman, he could take half.

Depends how you define 'contributed' really.

RandomMess · 12/02/2023 12:00

What an idiot, remind him that if you were working he would have paid £x in childcare, £y for a cleaner and £z for laundry/ironing and that is your financial share of the house.

Stuffynosetime · 12/02/2023 12:02

Well you’ve learned a few things.

if you divorce he’s going to fight you for every penny. He’s going to make it as hard for you as possible
he only values what you do in as much as it means he doesn’t have to. He would never wish to do it himself .
he thinks everything is his or should be.

He thinks he’s financially carrying uou, like the domestic help.
he doesn’t respect you for doing what he’d never lower himself to. Stay at home doing the domestic stuff, giving up work, and letting a partner pay for you.

on a side note, I’d get back to work. Quickly. He doesn’t value it, he’d never do it, and he sees his success as his alone. He doesn’t respect what you’ve chosen.

Stuffynosetime · 12/02/2023 12:04

RandomMess · 12/02/2023 12:00

What an idiot, remind him that if you were working he would have paid £x in childcare, £y for a cleaner and £z for laundry/ironing and that is your financial share of the house.

Don’t do this. It’s so ludicrous. As he will just say if you’re working then you’d need to contribute fifty percent to all costs inc childcare, and telling him you’re the cheap version of domestic help is never a winner.

RandomMess · 12/02/2023 12:05

@Stuffynosetime have you worked out how much a nanny costs gross? Possibly more than one of them earns!

rogueone · 12/02/2023 12:07

And this is why I never gave up work. He has shown you what he thinks.

GoodChat · 12/02/2023 12:08

RandomMess · 12/02/2023 12:00

What an idiot, remind him that if you were working he would have paid £x in childcare, £y for a cleaner and £z for laundry/ironing and that is your financial share of the house.

Most working parents of young children don't have cleaners or ironing services.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/02/2023 12:12

RandomMess · 12/02/2023 12:00

What an idiot, remind him that if you were working he would have paid £x in childcare, £y for a cleaner and £z for laundry/ironing and that is your financial share of the house.

This is such a silly argument.

The vast majority of families don't pay anything for those services.

grayhairdontcare · 12/02/2023 12:19

You honestly need to get a job and start making yourself financially secure.
He doesn't see what you do as valuable and he obviously thinks you are sponging off him.
You step up financially and he can step up with equal household/ children duties.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/02/2023 12:22

YANBU. He has told you, in plain terms, what he sees as the value of you, and what you do. Listen to him. And plan accordingly.