My partner doesn’t spend enough time with me

[user1481668545]

My partner moved in last month, but was staying regularly before that (been together 2 years). I have a child. He has two children but they live quite far away so they don’t come down to stay. He has an amazing relationship with my son (who doesn’t see his own dad). But I don’t feel like my partner spends enough time with me/us or prioritises us.

He owns a start up business so he’s constantly out drumming up investors and schmoozing clients. His hours are set by him. He can be gone from early until really late some days. Not a problem for me. I’m supportive of his business. But he will always find time to go football (two evenings a week and every Sunday). His team are based an hour away and he refuses to cut back on this as to him it’s important for his well-being and physical health. He then does school run for his kids one evening a week and has them overnight at his parents (who live in the same town as his kids) once a week a different day.

I work a very intense job that I commute 2 days a week into and 2 days a week from home. He does the school run for me once a week Wednesday morning. I do 90% of all cooking, cleaning and house stuff. I’ve asked for a day to help me clear out the garage for about 3 months now. The nights we do spend together, we rarely go out (and it’s always to eat) and he’ll fall asleep on the sofa while we watch TV then I’ll go up to bed at 11 as my son gets up at 5.30 and he stays up until 2/3am and then comes up. Our schedules are so unaligned we’re not even having sex.

Anyway, it’s come to a head because I’ve put on weight and want to join a Pilates class on a Tuesday evening. This is one of his football evenings. I’ve asked if he can watch my son so I can go. He said yes and will pick another evening in the week to go football. AIBU to be annoyed about that? I get no time away from being a parent, which, granted isn’t his responsibility as he’s not the dad. But now me going to Pilates means even less time together. Should I forget the class?

How much did you see each other before he moved in? He hasn't just started football or working those hours surely.
How much of this is really a surprise?

What would you prefer he do op ?

It's not his child. If he wasn't around you'd have your child 100% of the time. You're not hosting or caring gor his kids.

Drop one football evening so we are no worse off.

and he prefers to keep foottie and drop one evening with you. Hmmmm

He is already doing school run for your child, you can’t expect him to give up football to stay in with your child.

So his kids are never in his care at your house? He does more for your child, than he does for his own? He is willing and happy to look after your child so you can take up an exercise you want. But that means he has to miss out on his. You want him to just miss it all together? Even though he is happy to rearrange? You want him to just miss his activity?

It’s crap he isn’t doing much around the house. But you both sound busy and both sound like you have a lot going on. Not surprised you don’t get much time together.

But honestly, the whole set up sounds difficult. Sounds like you aren’t compatible at all.

A similar amount which I thought would change once we lived together. We at least made an effort to go out to eat once every couple weeks sans child. Not doing that anymore.

He does the school run for you once a week, already had his sports commitments before he moved in, is agreeing to babysit (yes babysit, he’s not the parent) a night a week and works long hours which presumably benefit your household finances.

He moved in a month ago but you’re on at him to clear out a garage for 3 months, so presumably your stuff. Why does he have to do it?

I think you two have very different ideas about what this arrangement will look like. It’s a failure of commutation and mismatched expectations.

What do you want? What do you want him to give up? If you work 4 days a week why can’t you do Pilates in your day off?

I dont see anything wrong in what he's doing. You shouldn't begrudge his fitness time (football), it's so important for people to have their fitness and down time for their own MH. You have got in a relationship with someone who already has responsibilities so part of that will be he steps up to his responsibilities. Up to now you've described 4 evenings a week he's either at football or looking after his kids, so that's 3 evenings a week that he's not. What's the issue?

A similar amount which I thought would change once we lived together

Did you tell him that?

Out of curiosity given he has a start up business how much does he contribute to household funds?

About a third. He still has his old flat which he’s going to rent out so still has that to fund even though he doesn’t stay there.

This is more of a case of do you continue with this relationship as you both want different things. I can see that he won't want to give up his football for your plates. It's your child that needs care not his. Maybe talk to him about planning some date nights or family days out so you have quality time together.

Because with his job it’s not guaranteed to be 3 evenings. And even if on the rare occasion it is, he falls asleep by 9 and then gets a second wind when I go to bed.

Surely this is just temporary while his business is in its early days.

What do you expect him to do?

Clear out the garage to make room for his stuff. Moving in was his idea. So far he gets his meals cooked, his clothes cleaned, a clean house to come home to. In return I get one school run a week. Financially, I don’t need his money towards the house.

He has also willingly (again his idea) taken on the dad role to my son. Says he loves him like his own. So I don’t see it as babysitting. I’d do the same for his kids if I could (issues with co parenting).

Fridays I have 9-2.30 and I’ve not found a class that falls within that time. I’m also very lonely and feel like joining a class could help me make friends as I’ve moved to a new area.

He doesn't sound interested in your relationship. I don't think you should carry on with him as it will probably get worse over time. 😕

Could he run his business anywhere? Why does he live so far away from his children when he is self employed in his own start up and could work close to his children?

His football team is an hour away too.

Can I make a wild guess that he has moved away from his kids, his parents and his football so he could live with you?

Not a great guy. Why would you expect him to prioritise you and your kid?

This sounds more like the problem, that you're lonely but you're putting that all on him. Businesses are not easy to start up but you get the benefits in the end. Neither of you are in the wrong, but if you don't want to wait til his business settles down then are you compatible as partners?

He does the school run once a week and is willing to move his long-established hobby night so you can do a new hobby? I think he's being very supportive! He isn't your co-parent and there isn't an expectation he does any of that.

Obviously he should do a fair share of the housework, though, if you are both working full-time.

He moved away years before we met for a job in London for better opportunities. He makes the decision to commute back to see them rather than move back and he did that way before I came into the picture. He doesn’t have the best relationship with their mum.

His flat is an hour away from my house and that’s where his football team are.

It’s extremely rare for a step parent to take a child on and actually ‘love them like their own’. And that’s something that happens over many years.

Not 2 years of barely spending anytime together and a month living together and not spending anytime together.

It’s actually quite awful that he can’t have his own kids in, his own care at his own home. Hardly sees them. Whilst saying he loves your son at his own and doesn’t more for him.

I can’t see how you ended up moving together at all.

So you thought a man who chose to live far away from his kids would make an excellent father to YOUR child?