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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner doesn’t spend enough time with me

64 replies

user1481668545 · 11/02/2023 17:36

My partner moved in last month, but was staying regularly before that (been together 2 years). I have a child. He has two children but they live quite far away so they don’t come down to stay. He has an amazing relationship with my son (who doesn’t see his own dad). But I don’t feel like my partner spends enough time with me/us or prioritises us.

He owns a start up business so he’s constantly out drumming up investors and schmoozing clients. His hours are set by him. He can be gone from early until really late some days. Not a problem for me. I’m supportive of his business. But he will always find time to go football (two evenings a week and every Sunday). His team are based an hour away and he refuses to cut back on this as to him it’s important for his well-being and physical health. He then does school run for his kids one evening a week and has them overnight at his parents (who live in the same town as his kids) once a week a different day.

I work a very intense job that I commute 2 days a week into and 2 days a week from home. He does the school run for me once a week Wednesday morning. I do 90% of all cooking, cleaning and house stuff. I’ve asked for a day to help me clear out the garage for about 3 months now. The nights we do spend together, we rarely go out (and it’s always to eat) and he’ll fall asleep on the sofa while we watch TV then I’ll go up to bed at 11 as my son gets up at 5.30 and he stays up until 2/3am and then comes up. Our schedules are so unaligned we’re not even having sex.

Anyway, it’s come to a head because I’ve put on weight and want to join a Pilates class on a Tuesday evening. This is one of his football evenings. I’ve asked if he can watch my son so I can go. He said yes and will pick another evening in the week to go football. AIBU to be annoyed about that? I get no time away from being a parent, which, granted isn’t his responsibility as he’s not the dad. But now me going to Pilates means even less time together. Should I forget the class?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1481668545 · 11/02/2023 18:08

Hydie · 11/02/2023 18:02

This sounds more like the problem, that you're lonely but you're putting that all on him. Businesses are not easy to start up but you get the benefits in the end. Neither of you are in the wrong, but if you don't want to wait til his business settles down then are you compatible as partners?

I think this is fair. I’m not putting it ALL on him but you’re right I am putting it on him to an extent. It feels like me taking time to meet other people comes at the expense of us, though. But it only seems to be me who is bothered about that.

I honestly believe your partner should be your best friend. That’s how I see relationships. He says he does too but he’s happy having phone conversations through the day (which I can’t always do due to my
Work schedule and don’t make up for physical intimacy imo).

OP posts:
Hydie · 11/02/2023 18:11

Can someone else mind your son when you want to do your class? That way 4 nights in the week are free for you both rather than knocking another one off the list. Grandparents etc?

Doesn't mean he can't be your best friend though just because he plays footie 3 times a week!

MavisMcMinty · 11/02/2023 18:16

I love my partner very much, he’s the only man on earth I could ever live with, but oh, how I wish he’d go out 3 nights a week!

”Let there be spaces in your togetherness.”

2crossedout1 · 11/02/2023 18:18

YABU to expect him to give up football to watch your kid.

YANBU to think that the two of you are just too busy to make this work.

windyarse · 11/02/2023 18:19

But I don’t feel like my partner spends enough time with me/us or prioritises us.

He isn't even committed to his own children. He is unlikely to change. I'm n my experience men that happily walk away from their children don't tend to make great partners.

Original poster
user1481668545 · 11/02/2023 18:22

2crossedout1 · 11/02/2023 18:18

YABU to expect him to give up football to watch your kid.

YANBU to think that the two of you are just too busy to make this work.

I should add it was his idea for me to join a class to tackle a) my unhappiness with my weight and b) my loneliness.

Imo we are seriously lacking intimacy and watching TV while one of us is dozing is a very low form of intimacy.

I think I’m going to avoid the class for now.

OP posts:
Kingoftheroad · 11/02/2023 18:24

Does he get paid by his football team? Sounds like he plays in the junior league. If so, his training is non negotiable if he wants to continue to play.

i don’t think he’s doing anything wrong at all. Be careful with the moaning as you’ll drive him away.

why don’t you both sit down and negotiate a date day/night and stick to it

MintJulia · 11/02/2023 18:26

Divorcedalongtime · 11/02/2023 17:47

He is already doing school run for your child, you can’t expect him to give up football to stay in with your child.

This. You could pay for a babysitter to care for YOUR child, so he can play football while you do pilates.

Biscuits1011 · 11/02/2023 18:28

I disagree with most replies.
first of all, he should want to spend time with you, and make it happen. If he isn’t, then it won’t work out because you do have to actually look after relationships for them to work.
as for people saying he shouldn’t have to look after your son, he’s doing you a favour.. no, he knew you had a child when you moved in together, so he not only should financially support that child, but do his bit aswel. Him not having his kids properly is another issue and personally I don’t think that’s normal. Why can’t they come and stay for a weekend a month or something?

Original poster
user1481668545 · 11/02/2023 18:29

Kingoftheroad · 11/02/2023 18:24

Does he get paid by his football team? Sounds like he plays in the junior league. If so, his training is non negotiable if he wants to continue to play.

i don’t think he’s doing anything wrong at all. Be careful with the moaning as you’ll drive him away.

why don’t you both sit down and negotiate a date day/night and stick to it

No, he does it as a hobby.

At this point he feels like a flat mate as we have no intimate time together. We agreed Sunday nights as date nights and my mum watches my son. Half the time he says he’s too tired to do anything or doesn’t want to spend money (refuses to let me pay) so we end up watching TV. This Sunday he’s out for his friends birthday. I even tried to make an agreement that if he negates on Sundays for other plans, he doesn’t go to one football training to make up for it. But that didn’t last.

OP posts:
Biscuits1011 · 11/02/2023 18:30

Also, going to bed at different times every night isn’t particularly healthy either in my opinion… sometimes it’s fine, but as a rule, go together, especially if it means you have a sex life, which I don’t think not having that is normal either.

GoodChat · 11/02/2023 18:32

You need to pick another night for your hobby rather than expecting him to sacrifice his to look after your child.

You chose to be with him knowing the responsibilities and commitments he already has.

Why not make Saturday night date night instead if he's too tired from football on Sundays?

Original poster
user1481668545 · 11/02/2023 18:32

Biscuits1011 · 11/02/2023 18:28

I disagree with most replies.
first of all, he should want to spend time with you, and make it happen. If he isn’t, then it won’t work out because you do have to actually look after relationships for them to work.
as for people saying he shouldn’t have to look after your son, he’s doing you a favour.. no, he knew you had a child when you moved in together, so he not only should financially support that child, but do his bit aswel. Him not having his kids properly is another issue and personally I don’t think that’s normal. Why can’t they come and stay for a weekend a month or something?

I was beginning to feel crazy! I’ve never had this issue before with other r/ships. I don’t need every night, but I find it abnormal not to do things with your partner and want to be around them! It’s the lack of effort and intention that bothers me most. He’s content not spending quality time together. I’m not.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1481668545 · 11/02/2023 18:34

GoodChat · 11/02/2023 18:32

You need to pick another night for your hobby rather than expecting him to sacrifice his to look after your child.

You chose to be with him knowing the responsibilities and commitments he already has.

Why not make Saturday night date night instead if he's too tired from football on Sundays?

To be technical, we got together during the first lockdown so no I didn’t get with him knowing about his football habits :)

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/02/2023 18:38

It sounds like you've picked a dud.

He lives miles away from his children and doesn't see them often, but you still decided he was a good enough man to settle down and live with, and introduce your son to - why?

He doesn't sound like he's interested in family life in the slightest. I'm genuinely surprised he's agreed to do the school run and move football around for your son when he doesn't see his own.

Biscuits1011 · 11/02/2023 18:40

user1481668545 · 11/02/2023 18:32

I was beginning to feel crazy! I’ve never had this issue before with other r/ships. I don’t need every night, but I find it abnormal not to do things with your partner and want to be around them! It’s the lack of effort and intention that bothers me most. He’s content not spending quality time together. I’m not.

Show quote history

Yeah and you’re completely right to feel like he should want to spend time with you.

gamerchick · 11/02/2023 18:42

Sounds like he wants the home comforts and being looked after to me. Personally I'd send him home and tell him living together isn't working out.

GoodChat · 11/02/2023 18:45

He moved in last month @user1481668545 - so your technicality makes no sense.

Paq · 11/02/2023 18:47

It just sounds like you're not compatible. Let him go.

But I think you should reset your expectations as to how much a romantic partner will pitch in with the nuts and bolts of child rearing.

Bellalalala · 11/02/2023 18:51

user1481668545 · 11/02/2023 18:34

To be technical, we got together during the first lockdown so no I didn’t get with him knowing about his football habits :)

Show quote history

So you have been together almost 3 years. And he didn’t do football when football when sports started in the last almost 3 years.

He only did it when you moved in together?

Original poster
user1481668545 · 11/02/2023 18:55

Paq · 11/02/2023 18:47

It just sounds like you're not compatible. Let him go.

But I think you should reset your expectations as to how much a romantic partner will pitch in with the nuts and bolts of child rearing.

Perhaps I should start a new AIBU thread because honestly one school run 10 minutes down the road and one evening a week looking after my son when he is in bed and just being in the same house isn’t the ‘nuts and bolts of child rearing’ to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1481668545 · 11/02/2023 18:58

Bellalalala · 11/02/2023 18:51

So you have been together almost 3 years. And he didn’t do football when football when sports started in the last almost 3 years.

He only did it when you moved in together?

Show quote history

No. I said above that it was his idea to move in together so we could spend more time together and also move to that next stage in our relationship with stability and consistency. I also said above we made agreements about his football habits. And I said above that the one or two evenings he is home, he will doze off rather than spend time with me. I didn’t know when I fell in love with him how much football he would play. I did know before he moved in. It has been a source of contention for me for about six months now. Moving in hasn’t solved the issue the way he said it would.

OP posts:
Paq · 11/02/2023 18:58

😀 definitely don't start and AIBU, they're vicious there!

Emdubz · 11/02/2023 19:01

My partner moved in 5 months ago so we’re a bit further down the line than you but we are still getting to grips with our together time/ our own space time. It’s not easy learning to live together, I’d been very independent for years and have found it hard! But it’s good you are having conversations about the issues at least.
I have had doubts about our compatibility but on the flip side know it will take time to get into a routine together. Maybe you need to keep talking/try the Pilates class and see if you feel better for having your own hobby?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/02/2023 19:04

I didn’t know when I fell in love with him how much football he would play. I did know before he moved in. It has been a source of contention for me for about six months now. Moving in hasn’t solved the issue the way he said it would.

He showed you clearly what he was like - the line of "it'll change when we live together" was just his way to get his feet under the table.

If he genuinely wanted to spend more time with you, he would have made that a priority before moving in with you.

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