My partner doesn’t spend enough time with me

[user1481668545]

My partner moved in last month, but was staying regularly before that (been together 2 years). I have a child. He has two children but they live quite far away so they don’t come down to stay. He has an amazing relationship with my son (who doesn’t see his own dad). But I don’t feel like my partner spends enough time with me/us or prioritises us.

He owns a start up business so he’s constantly out drumming up investors and schmoozing clients. His hours are set by him. He can be gone from early until really late some days. Not a problem for me. I’m supportive of his business. But he will always find time to go football (two evenings a week and every Sunday). His team are based an hour away and he refuses to cut back on this as to him it’s important for his well-being and physical health. He then does school run for his kids one evening a week and has them overnight at his parents (who live in the same town as his kids) once a week a different day.

I work a very intense job that I commute 2 days a week into and 2 days a week from home. He does the school run for me once a week Wednesday morning. I do 90% of all cooking, cleaning and house stuff. I’ve asked for a day to help me clear out the garage for about 3 months now. The nights we do spend together, we rarely go out (and it’s always to eat) and he’ll fall asleep on the sofa while we watch TV then I’ll go up to bed at 11 as my son gets up at 5.30 and he stays up until 2/3am and then comes up. Our schedules are so unaligned we’re not even having sex.

Anyway, it’s come to a head because I’ve put on weight and want to join a Pilates class on a Tuesday evening. This is one of his football evenings. I’ve asked if he can watch my son so I can go. He said yes and will pick another evening in the week to go football. AIBU to be annoyed about that? I get no time away from being a parent, which, granted isn’t his responsibility as he’s not the dad. But now me going to Pilates means even less time together. Should I forget the class?

I understand where you are coming from. You are low down on his priority list.

Work, his children, football, your son and then you? If after only 2 years sex is not happening then it doesn't bode well for the future.

For me a red flag is his poor relationship with his Ex..did he priortise his work over his children? If so there is a pattern.

If he made an agreement and has already backtracked then you know his word isn't worth anything.

If he left his children easily then be prepared for him to cut ties with your son if you separated. How old is your son?

Can you just ask him to move back into his own flat? Him moving in isn't working for you the way you hoped. If he continues to not make an effort, it's easier for you to bin him off. You don't sound compatible and it's easier if you all just accept that now before building your lives around each other.

Thank you. I do think he struggles with his own selfishness. He never lived with his kids’ mum and has never been in a serious relationship until me. He’s very set in his ways and doesn’t think about me before he does things as a routine, but over the last 2 years he has got better. I think I’m struggling with whether I’m asking too much or if this is another thing he needs to work on. I have my faults, but I didn’t think this was one of them.

For example, he prefers conversations on the phone. I prefer them in real life. He will call me to pass time while driving from one meeting to the other. Often it’s small talk or he’s distracted. I don’t get much from it. When he gets home and I try to talk to him, he’s usually on his phone, watching TV or playing PlayStation. He says we’ve spoken through the day so now he wants quiet, alone time. Feels like I can’t win

You need to face up to the fact that the two of you are not compatible.

one school run 10 minutes down the road and one evening a week looking after my son when he is in bed and just being in the same house isn’t the ‘nuts and bolts of child rearing’ to me.

No. It's all he's prepared to offer his own biological children though so he's unlikely to be the man you want him to be for yours

We have had similar issues; my partner has never had children and we have had different priorities. I’ve no real answers, just offering a bit of solidarity as we are working through similar patterns and are trying different ways to compromise. I don’t think you’re asking too much; it’s about finding what works for you both so you can have a good balance.

Surely the reason he insists on travelling an hour each way for football practice is because he enjoys playing with his mates in a particular team otherwise surely he could find a team closer to where you live and he would be home sooner? Also if he usually goes to football practice on X and Y nights a week then surely those are the two practice nights a week and surely its not on every night of the week (although most teams I know of only train once a week) so he wouldn’t easily be able to just decide to go to football on Z night to fit around your pilates night? Most football and other sports team training nights will already be pre-booked out well in advance for certain times and a night a week and it would be hard to find another venue just to fit around him (and other team mates may have commitments other nights). So maybe he has another woman?

I think you are maybe too needy for a relationship at the moment or you want more than he is prepared to give. One person can’t satisfy all of your needs even if you are close most people have a variety of other people friends, family, work colleagues etc that they also enjoy spending time with from time to time.

I think I would maximise time for yourself doing things that bring you joy on your day off. Maybe let the housework slide a little or lower your standards and ask him if he would agree to say one night a week out even if its just a change of scene and a couple of drinks or going to see a film and a night in where he isn’t asleep or playing on his phone or gaming. If he isn’t agreeable and you want more than he is prepared to offer then you have your answer.

Take care OP

YANBU but YABU

YANBU because your partner should WANT to spend time with you. You shoildnt have to negotiate or beg. It should just naturally be that way. If you’re having to have sit down discussions and compromise about it then you’ll end up with him spending time with you because he HAS to not because he wants you. You won’t feel great in yourself, knowing he’s doing it to satisfy your needs. You want him to need that too.

YABU in thinking the whole ‘loves him like his own son’ is a good thing. You’re still going through the adjustment period of living together and seeing if it’ll work out long term. If your son is in an environment when he is the ‘father’ figure and being expected to treat him like a parent, then if it doesn’t work out your son is emotionally and mentally damaged. You yourself can’t quite work out his priorities. So how confusing for a child to have a man in his home who is his only father figure who hes being enabled to grow a permanent attachment too. With the chance it might not even work out.

I can’t imagine the damage being done to any child to be in an environment with someone who proclaims to ‘love them like their own so’ but who also could be gone in an instant and never seen again. Your child may bring that up in adulthood if for whatever reason he ends up on counselling and they touch upon his childhood. Especially if it doesn’t work out with your DP.

With that aside, I don’t think this relationship has legs. You want a partnership. Where you go for days out, have sex, watch a box set and just generally spend time with eachother first with everything else fitting around that. Which most families do. He on the other hand wants a boyfriend/girlfriend type set up but under the same roof. Like when you live in uni halls with a boyfriend/girlfriend. Yes you live under the same roof, but that’s about it. There’s no tangible relationship outside of that.

You can do better. But next time, don’t let them form this sort of relationship with your child until you know for certain you’re on the same page.

So you ignored your concerns about the football and hardly seeing him. Moved him in and decided he was your child’s new dad, despite having concerns.

He barely sees his own children and chooses to live far from them. You must have been concerned that the line ‘I love your son like my own’ must have meant very little, since you know how involved he is with his own children. You must have been concerned that in saying ‘I love him like he is my own’, means he will be disengaged and do the bare minimum.

So why did you let him move in at all? It’s not too late to undo it. You aren’t happy. It’s obvious he isn’t going to provide what you want him to. He isn’t going to be any sort of decent dad to your kids or his own.

Tell home to move out.

It's never going to work OP he should be dying to have sex, spend time together, it's a new moving in together relationship.

Yours sounds like you've been married 30 years and he uses you like a house keeper.

I suppose on the face of it I don’t see anything wrong with him wanting to spend some time on his own hobbies - football, PlayStation or whatever, in his free time.

But 2 years in, I’m surprised he doesn’t want to make more time for you.

I like my own company, I like to spend my free time gaming too, but I do put it away to have at least an hour or two in the evening of quality time, and a couple of totally free evenings a week with DH and the kids.

E ery single bit of advice given on this forum is about step parents should have no obligation to go out of their way outside of being friendly to their step children, there's hundreds of comments like this each week so I think broadly IO, that argument isn't a winner so the pilates class situation is just one of those things.

The issue is as you say, he does little round the house, contributes not a huge amount and is the kind of man who moved away from his own kids. It sounds like he hasn't really adapted to being in a proper relationship if I'm honest, he doesn't seem to get it at all and I'm not sure he'll change after so long.

He does more for your son than his own father does. What would have done about childcare if you hadn’t met him and wanted to go to Pilates?

YABU because reading between the lines it seems like you either want to give up one night of football or work less hard so he has more energy and time for you at the evenings and/or weekends. You knew how much football he played before he moved in and how hard he works, he might have said moving it would change things but I can't see how.

You say you feel in love during lockdown, I'm guessing you imagined things would be different to how they are now.

YANBU for wanting a partner to spend time with you, but it has to be something both parties want, so this man isn't the one for you.