To be angry at my mum

[Margot78]

My Dad has early dementia with Parkinsons and my mum has been his carer for several years. He had a fall at home as his balance is off and broke his hip. While in hospital getting it repaired he developed delirium which hasn’t gone away yet after several weeks. The hospital said it would be too much for my mum to look after him and that he has to go in a care home. He’s been put in a lovely home now with wonderful staff, we’ve been so lucky.

The trouble is my mum. She’s always been someone who behaves irrationally and inappropriately but now she’s totally lost it. I understand she wants him home but her behaviour is causing so much stress. She spends far too much time at the care home, she won’t let the staff just get on with it. She’s sobbing all the time and stressing my dad out when he was starting to settle quite nicely there. I get so many phone calls from her even when she knows I’m at work and it’s always some totally unnecessary drama she’s created with the poor care home staff. She behaved the same way with the nurses at the hospital. I feel like I’m worrying more about her than my dad.

I do realise it’s a big change for her and she has a lot to come to terms with, not being with him anymore. I’ve bent over backwards to be there for her and support her, often at the expense of my family or job. However now I feel that she is making the situation far more stressful than it needs to be. She has no interest in anything else, not even her grandchildren anymore. She is obsessed with Dad and with starting battles with everyone. I suspect it’s some kind of mental health breakdown. I got her to go to the doctors who have prescribed anti depressants. Yesterday I got so many phone calls about how she thinks the staff hate her, then gave me a load of verbal abuse when I didn’t agree with her.

It’s becoming so stressful, I am getting migraines frequently and have had to have time off work for stress. I keep snapping at the children. I feel sick whenever the phone rings and can’t sleep as she often rings late at night. I feel like I’ve lost both my parents and I’m starting to feel angry now with her for caring so little when as my mum she should be supporting me. I have dcs with additional needs but it’s like she’s forgotten this and wants to demand every last second of my time. Am I unreasonable to feel angry?

bloody hell OP, feel whatever you feel. That's horrible thing to endure.

Is there any chance that she's developing alzheimer's? This sounds like some older relatives of mine at a point.

I don’t know. I’ve always suspected some neurodivergence as she doesn’t seem to know how to behave ‘normally’ if that makes sense. Both my wedding and graduation day were spoiled by her behaviour.

Poor you that sounds so difficult. Why was she given anti-depressants? What you are describing doesn’t sound like depression. I think you n Ed to get her back to the doctor for proper assessment.

I suppose because she does have very low periods and is struggling to cope. I get frequent text messages from her telling me she is very low and depressed.

I feel so sorry for you, and your poor mum.

She has had her whole world turned upside down and is struggling to cope, and she is using you for support when you already have so much going on.

You're not going to be able to change her for the moment, you've already done so much, but I think you'll be doing yourself, and her, a huge favour by not being so available for her.

Can you put your phone on DND at 10pm until 7 or 8am? That way you'll have a break at night.

Start limiting your time on the phone as well, when she calls tell her you only have 5 minutes.

You have your dc relying on you, and you'll be no use if you burn out, you can't change your mum, but you can protect yourself.

Thank you. I do sympathise with how she must be feeling, it’s a huge change and it’s hard to let go and trust others. However last night I was literally shaking when I came off the phone because she was so nasty. Then I shouted at one of my dcs for not doing as they were told (they were just tired) and made them scared. That’s the first time that’s ever happened and it really upset me.

It does sound like she might have an undiagnosed health issue, possibly being made worse by the situation she finds herself in.

I would get her back to the doctors

Could you just turn your phone off for a couple of days/not answer the phone to her? I know this seems harsh but the impact she's having on your own mental wellbeing needs to take precedence now. Perhaps a chat with her about how she can't talk to you the way she is and she can't be sucking the life out of you by phoning all the time with silly grievances.

This.

I went through all this with my own toxic mother in 2019 (she died of bowel cancer, we had a very long dysfunctional relationship, we lived together until I was 34). I also have disabilities myself and a disabled child to care for. She went into a home eventually (for the bowel cancer and mental health issues) and I really had to learn to cut myself off for my own mental health. It sounds awful but when she died it was a relief.

Unplug the phone. Don’t respond as quickly. Push her back onto her GP / report to adult social services if you’re genuinely worried she needs more support than she’s getting. She’s an adult and isn’t your responsibility.

She may have undiagnosed autism. It sounds possible as you have said she gets awkward/difficult in certain situations. It sounds very stressful for you. There are many undiagnosed older females on the spectrum, that have been masking throughout their life.

That sounds awful. I think you need to protect yourself by lowering contact. Don’t always answer the phone. Only text back when you feel able to. You can’t solve this for her.

Trying to see this from your mum’s perspective, I don’t doubt that the staff are lovely but if you’ve managed to find a care home where they have an acceptable staff to patient ratio and where the staff actually have time and training to provide proper care, you’ve been extremely lucky.

It could be that your mum has perfectly reasonable concerns that are being dismissed by hurried staff (not maliciously) and that this is making her more distressed in a vicious cycle. I think it would be worth you spending time with her and really listening to her concerns and trying to advocate for her, not just reassure her or defend the care home. Maybe some of her concerns are totally unreasonable but you need to talk about them and show your mum that you’re taking her seriously. If her worries are unfounded that will become clear to her as you work through them. This must be extremely hard on her. I appreciate it’s hard on you too, but probably not to the same extent and she needs to come first for now.

Her concerns are more about what she is allowed to do rather than his care. She thinks she should be allowed to sleep on the floor in his room, use their kitchen to store her own food for him etc.

Would it help if you made an agreement that you ring her at eg 5pm every day?

Then turn your phone onto dnd between the call and the morning. In the morning check any texts / messages and unless urgent respond with a short text to say that you’ll call after work at 5.

Hopefully within a couple of days she’ll start saving things up for the phone call so at least it’s only once a day.

I think it would also be helpful to ask her to make a spreadsheet that you both have access to and have her log all of her concerns into the spreadsheet. As a pp said, it is likely that some of her concerns are rational and this way you can work through them. I also think it will give her a focus which isn’t calling you where she can write her worries.

If as you suspect she’s neurodiverse then your dad going into a home has probably been awful for her - not just because she’s missing him - but also because it will have massively disturbed her routine. So I suspect that anything which imposes a new routine- eg the regular phone call - will help to calm the situation over time.

I think that you could also consider this approach with the visits to the home too. Talk to her about how her visits will look long term and try to get her into set times and days for visiting so she has a routine that she can build on. Eg 10-12 mon to fri she visits him.

I think you know your anger isn't unreasonable. You need to carefully decide what you can and can not offer your mum. I appreciate this situation is difficult for everyone but in the kindest possible way, the care home has your dad's care at the forefront, not your mum. I would disengage from her conflict with staff, why add fuel to that fire?

She has been in control of a situation for a long time and now she isn't. Losing any sort of control can be very difficult for some people to deal with.
Is your Dad there for respite until the delirium resolves or is this a long term placement ?

He’s there for the foreseeable future, he needs to be assessed apparently. Council are paying for it for now so definitely a temporary arrangement not sure what will happen if they decide he needs to be in care permanently.

I think you need to be more sympathetic. But I do also understand to a point. Having someone as ill as your dad is, is very difficult and we don’t always act rationally. You aren’t either.

Look at what you have written. You are snapping at your kids because of the pressure, you are feeling ill. You are taking time off work because of it. But you blame your mum. You think she is responsible for her own behaviour and needs to just change. Yet, your own behaviour isn’t something you own and need to just change.

You say she should be there for you. My mum died just over a year ago. Not once did I think it was my dads job to not react because he had to be there for me. His wife died. He lost his someone he knew for 40 years. Raised kids with, built a family, planned a retirement with. He had all that taken away, she died within months of retirement. He spent the last few years being her main carer as she had physical disability. When she died he was lost. His days were filled with his wife, since we left home. The house was quieter, no one to make a drink for. It took 6 weeks before he could stand to not get her cup out every morning.

Mums death broke me. But I had my kids to keep me busy, work, my dp. I wasn’t alone when I went home. Dad isn’t. He goes home to their home that reminds him every second of what he lost. Your mum is going through this right now.

Sometimes your parents aren’t the right people to support you because something awful is happening to them as well.

I sympathise, because it’s hard. But also, you are displaying some behaviours that you are complaining about.

I knew I ran the risk of sounding unsympathetic but I promise you I have been. I have been there for her literally every day and night, listening and sympathising. I know she’s grieving and doesn’t know what to do with herself. I don’t expect her not to react, of course I don’t. My problem is that her behaviours are getting more extreme and more nasty. When you get several of these calls a day it wears you down. I am very very conscious of how it is impacting my own behaviour and I want that to stop. That’s what prompted me to reach out for help. Her job isn’t to support me, I didn’t mean that but I’m not sure how much right she has to do what she’s doing either. Is there a point where I’m allowed to say it’s getting too much without being judged as being unsympathetic? Maybe there isn’t.

I don't have any concrete advice but just wanted to say that sounds bloody hard and give you a virtual hug.

I think your anger is justified - anger is about setting boundaries and it sounds like you need to this. She’s swamping you with her emotions and that isn’t ok. I think the idea of setting a time you will call is a good one. Also maybe some boundaries about what you discuss - ‘we don’t see the care home staff the same way, shall we talk about something else?’

It’s hard for her and you - maybe there is a counselling organisation that can help her process her grief? It sounds like she needs some professional help.

And I sure you have been sympathetic. That’s why was saying I do get it, to a point. It’s just your Op came across like you were expecting her to moderate her behaviour, whilst blaming the tress she is causing for your own. Maybe you can understand that a situation going on that you have no control over makes you act in a way that probably isn’t right. Like when you shouted at your child. So you can apply that to her too.

Theres nothing you can do about what she is doing at the home. They need to handle that and I can assure she isn’t the only difficult family member they will have dealt with. Or even currently dealt with.

My exh worked in care homes and my Aunt was the difficult relative when my grandad had to go in one. It’s really not unusual and care facilities have a lot of experience handling difficult family members.

It’s certainly not easy for you. Because you are grieving your dad, to an extent, and having to deal with your mum, who is handling it badly. I am sympathetic. You certainly dont have to put up with her verbal abuse. If she does that, end the call. You don’t even have multiple conversations about why the care staff hate her. You can repeat ‘we have discussed this, I am not doing it again’ and you can block her calls for a break.

I think you need to decide how much you can support her, for you own sake. And stick to that. It doesn’t have to be whenever she needs it. Speak to people at the home. When my auntie was causing problems the home spoke to and worked with adult social services. Visiting times for grandad, for her were put in place etc. They maybe able to suggest somethings that will help her get a new routine. Which may her less anxious and on edge.

If he’s there for assessment he should have a social worker. I’m sure the staff are taking note of her behaviour and obviously will have concerns about her ability to care for him in terms of moving home. This is good news for your Dad of course, especially if he can stay where he is.

It may be worth asking for a meeting with the SW and or care home manager to ask about putting strategies in place to limit her disruptive behaviour and help her to accept the new situation. They will have had difficult spouses to manage before.

Id suggest putting boundaries in place and telling her you won’t be taking calls in the evening and limiting the time she can contact you- she clearly has no boundaries with you. It’s a long term situation so you have to look after yourself.

She could be ND - do you have other family members who are ND as it tends to run in families - dyslexia, dyspraxia, ASD, ADHD? If not then I'd also wonder about BPD if this has been an ongoing thing.

You now need to put in some strict boundaries for yourself - you will not stay on the phone to be abused - you will not take calls at work or at other inconvenient times - you will not take more than one call a day. Decide on what you can cope with and stick to that, you need to put yourself and your children first now and not allow this to continue as it is. Take a large emotional step back.