To be angry at my mum

[Margot78]

My Dad has early dementia with Parkinsons and my mum has been his carer for several years. He had a fall at home as his balance is off and broke his hip. While in hospital getting it repaired he developed delirium which hasn’t gone away yet after several weeks. The hospital said it would be too much for my mum to look after him and that he has to go in a care home. He’s been put in a lovely home now with wonderful staff, we’ve been so lucky.

The trouble is my mum. She’s always been someone who behaves irrationally and inappropriately but now she’s totally lost it. I understand she wants him home but her behaviour is causing so much stress. She spends far too much time at the care home, she won’t let the staff just get on with it. She’s sobbing all the time and stressing my dad out when he was starting to settle quite nicely there. I get so many phone calls from her even when she knows I’m at work and it’s always some totally unnecessary drama she’s created with the poor care home staff. She behaved the same way with the nurses at the hospital. I feel like I’m worrying more about her than my dad.

I do realise it’s a big change for her and she has a lot to come to terms with, not being with him anymore. I’ve bent over backwards to be there for her and support her, often at the expense of my family or job. However now I feel that she is making the situation far more stressful than it needs to be. She has no interest in anything else, not even her grandchildren anymore. She is obsessed with Dad and with starting battles with everyone. I suspect it’s some kind of mental health breakdown. I got her to go to the doctors who have prescribed anti depressants. Yesterday I got so many phone calls about how she thinks the staff hate her, then gave me a load of verbal abuse when I didn’t agree with her.

It’s becoming so stressful, I am getting migraines frequently and have had to have time off work for stress. I keep snapping at the children. I feel sick whenever the phone rings and can’t sleep as she often rings late at night. I feel like I’ve lost both my parents and I’m starting to feel angry now with her for caring so little when as my mum she should be supporting me. I have dcs with additional needs but it’s like she’s forgotten this and wants to demand every last second of my time. Am I unreasonable to feel angry?

Been in this situation with FIL. He did take MIL home. In my experience you have to say you can't stop them but they can't expect you to pick up the pieces and mean it. Decide on what you are happy to do and stick to it. Speak to social services and make sure they know you are not there to be a carer and it's up to them and your mum (your mum is probably making promises on your behalf that you couldn't possibly manage).
Keep a dialogue with social services. FIL was telling us there was a social services back up plan for emergencies but telling SS that family were happy would cover if he was ill (we all work full time and don't live locally, any overnights would mean sleeping on the floor or in a chair). He was turning down respite offers and then crying to us that he needed a break. It helped us and social services to share information.

Yes she always has. When I was at school she kept ringing the school about every little thing and was always there volunteering for something or other, I couldn’t escape her and she was often behaving in weird ways. It was suffocating and I got a hard time from some of the kids. I ended up retreating into myself and having no confidence. She also made my wedding preparations all about her, even on the morning of the day she was sulking. She also ruined my graduation moaning constantly and sulking all evening because she didn’t like the restaurant. I studied for six years with the OU and it was my one day to celebrate my achievement and I went to bed crying because of her behaviour.

I think that we all become more ‘ourselves’ as we age and a difficult mother can become almost unbearable to their DC who are hitting middle age.

I found it really helpful to do the thing of forgiving without an apology and moving on. Yes sometimes I’m sad that my DM isn’t the mother I would like but realistically I’m not the daughter she would like. Our relationship is lacking. Sad but just the way it is.
I would just accept that and deal with the day to day.

With regards to taking your father home, if she can do it then you may just have to let her but I wouldn’t be shy in getting social services involved as they may be able to either say no or provide help to your mother and father

Don’t help. Make it clear you won’t be doing so. Your father is better in proper care. Time to set some limits.

It sounds like you have two interconnected issues - worry about your dad and his health and care, and your mum's lifetime behaviour becoming more extreme/difficult to deal with. Is it possible for you to contact adult care/social services to explain the situation and ask them to assess both your mum and your dad for their needs? They may be concerned that she is unable to recognise your dad's needs and thus be able to provide appropriate care to him.

For your dad, the Elderly parents board is very helpful, and you may find it useful to drop in on the Cockroach Cafe thread for ongoing support. For your mum too, although to be honest the Stately Homes thread elsewhere sounds like a better bet. It sounds like you need help navigating your boundaries with your mum and coming to terms with what you can and can't do to support them both.

Could your mum be assessed to be in care home with her husband?

I don’t know, I don’t think that possible. Am worried for my sister, she’s turning up at her house at 6:30 in the morning demanding her attention. Keeps badgering her for lifts to the care home. Cries down the phone at her. Demands that my sister keeps her company because she hates being at home on her own (my sister has two small children). Sulks if my sister doesn’t answer her calls all through the night. She tells my sister not to tell me she does it. So how on earth do I stop all this?

Don’t know how so sorry I posted on wrong thread

Dear Margo77 This is an awful situation for both you and your sister to deal with. Worries and concerns for your dear Dad and having to cope with your mother’s behaviour at the same time. I do understand it will be difficult for you both but please, for your own sanity, try and take two steps back and if your mother has issues with the home let the staff there deal with your mother’s at times irrational behaviour.

I was beginning to think your Dad’s situation had brought her unreasonable behaviour on, but reading on about your graduation and wedding she is making this latest situation all about her as she has done in the past.

I too had a mother like this who made every single occasion, good or bad into terrible unnecessary and unwanted drama - from weddings, babies being born or having any friends at all. Every situation was dominated by her and how she could spoil even the nicest of times.

I do not wish to derail this post but I feel I must comment on Bellalalal’s post. When my husband died almost three years ago not only did I lose him but our three sons lost their father. How how how I wished and wished they could understand that I had lost my life partner, my soulmate, my very best friend. Bella’s post said it all so very eloquently detailing how her Dad suffered at the loss of his wife, partner, best friend, how their plans had been taken away. She had lost her Mum and this is so sad but her Father’s loss encompassed so much more. I just wanted my sons to realise this.

Margo78 sending you very best wishes and hope that you can find some help in your difficult situation.

Just because she's said doesn't mean she's not an abusive bitch.

Sometimes bad things happen to bad people.

You and your sister need to meet up. And agree and hold each other to firm boundaries. Be the support you both need to each other.

So she doesn't Tyn up at your sisters house at stupid O'clock and you tell her that now. Because if she does your sister is calling the police to have her removed.

You tell her that the call are stopping and you'll be blocking her. Only unblocking her between X and X time.

Involve adult social services and press that they may need to asses abuse and the professionals need to intervene to control her.

But overall she sounds absolutely awful and not a person worth saving a relationship with. If you're now turning the trauma to your children you're just carrying it on over to them.

@Zofloraqueen27 I am sorry for your loss and I’m sorry that your sons could not have supported you more.

Sometimes the mother role can also be viewed as the selfless role - as if they are a non person there to support their adult children.

As an adult , the loss of a parent is monumental but it’s so much more for their partner. Companionship, plans etc as you say are all gone out the window.

When children are small or even young adults, a death or divorce requires the parent to be strong and offer support , when it’s an adult losing a parent, I like to think that the societal norm is to provide support to each other whilst recognising the immense loss of losing your life partner.

In saying that the OPs mother appears to be just continuing a life time of attention seeking and has gone into overdrive- I feel for the OP on this one. I don’t think there is enough support in the world for her mother.

Honestly op.
I think a little bit of tough love is required here . Id tell the care home to feel free to kick her out when her behaviour is poor and id tell her that I would call her once a day to chat but that would be it.. bringing your dad home does not sound like it's the right decision for anyone including her. She sounds mentally unwell at this stage.
Have you tried ringing her gp for advise ?

Your poor mum.

God help you OP.

You have never had a moments peace from this woman.

She is like your tormentor your whole life.

Everything is about her.

Whatever is going on with her, by gum you have really suffered.

You have MY full sympathy.

I would tell whomever that your father is safer in the care home than with her.

I would take a deep breath and try and realise that YOUR children and family are YOUR priority.

You need to protect your MH and general health as your priority.

Who will look after your children if this woman drives you to a complete breakdown?

So you have to find the strength and energy for boundaries.

Stop taking ANY calls between 8pm-8am.

Stop taking them in work.

Talk to your sister about approaching her GP, preferably an email, with your concerns.

Your mothers whole life is about her and her feelings, you cannot change that, its too late.

However, you can start protecting yourself.

Get onto adult services and report her behaviour too and flag her too them.

The most important thing is to step away before YOUR health becomes impaired.

I think you should suggest the care home staff call social services to help your mother.

You cannot and should not take this on.

You have tolerated her behaviour for too long.

Time for you to protect yourself IMO.

I apologise if that is harsh to read but giving up your health, when your children need you is not the right call here.

You need to protect yourself from her.

Wishing you well.

I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through OP. It’s not a competition who has it worse, but I’m glad you understand your mum is struggling as well because it does sound like she needs better support. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you needing to prioritise your own mental health though- she sounds incredibly difficult. Your dad is happier and safer where he is now (and I can quite understand why!) I hope you and your sister are able to find help for your mum as well. It’s not fair on your sister either obviously and I hope you two are able to stick together and offer each other support. I definitely agree with posters who say you need to put your phone on DND sometimes. It doesn’t have to be completely at her beck and call or no contact at all. There are ways of managing this in a way that also ensures a break for yourself. You and your sister could set up times where you are available for both parents, while the other is on DND. What a difficult situation to be in, I feel for you all. ♥️

@Margot78 I am so sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrific and I agree with pps who suggested that tough love and firm boundaries are the only way you can protect yourselves. I am reminded of the AA advice etoro families of alcoholics that you did not cause this, and you cannot cure it (her). You cannot change her you can only change how you react to it.
You could try ringing Age Concern for advice but I really think that you and your sister need to set and keep some firm rules which you consistently keep. she sounds like a particularly stroppy toddler, so treat her like one,
Good luck and I hope your poor dad is ok

I don’t know if you could speak to the home about getting your mum assessed while she’s there? She’s obviously not well either.

I'm so sorry you're having to experience all this. Family should really be boosting each other and helping each other to take the strain in situations like this.

Can you speak with your sister about how to best deal with this together? As other PP have suggested, no picking up the phone after a certain time etc is a good start. How is your sister coping with her constantly turning up at 6.30am or late at night?! She is incredibly patient to deal with that on top of your mum being nasty as well!

Are you able to email/speak to your mum's GP about her behaviour and ask for them to see her and maybe for her to have counselling?

Surely the care home have procedures for dealing with awkward people? They must see it on a regular basis so they should be dealing with her appropriately and phoning you to tell you what they will do/are doing, just so that you are aware.

In all this, your poor DF; what he must be feeling and going through on top of his condition etc; it's heartbreaking for him. He'll feel so much pressure to be taken home just to appease your mum, rather than what's best for him!

I really hope you find some help.

You won't be able to change how your mum behaves, but you can change how you respond to her. It's ok to say no, it's ok to put in boundaries. The more you do it the easier it will become to you.

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