To be angry at my mum

[Margot78]

My Dad has early dementia with Parkinsons and my mum has been his carer for several years. He had a fall at home as his balance is off and broke his hip. While in hospital getting it repaired he developed delirium which hasn’t gone away yet after several weeks. The hospital said it would be too much for my mum to look after him and that he has to go in a care home. He’s been put in a lovely home now with wonderful staff, we’ve been so lucky.

The trouble is my mum. She’s always been someone who behaves irrationally and inappropriately but now she’s totally lost it. I understand she wants him home but her behaviour is causing so much stress. She spends far too much time at the care home, she won’t let the staff just get on with it. She’s sobbing all the time and stressing my dad out when he was starting to settle quite nicely there. I get so many phone calls from her even when she knows I’m at work and it’s always some totally unnecessary drama she’s created with the poor care home staff. She behaved the same way with the nurses at the hospital. I feel like I’m worrying more about her than my dad.

I do realise it’s a big change for her and she has a lot to come to terms with, not being with him anymore. I’ve bent over backwards to be there for her and support her, often at the expense of my family or job. However now I feel that she is making the situation far more stressful than it needs to be. She has no interest in anything else, not even her grandchildren anymore. She is obsessed with Dad and with starting battles with everyone. I suspect it’s some kind of mental health breakdown. I got her to go to the doctors who have prescribed anti depressants. Yesterday I got so many phone calls about how she thinks the staff hate her, then gave me a load of verbal abuse when I didn’t agree with her.

It’s becoming so stressful, I am getting migraines frequently and have had to have time off work for stress. I keep snapping at the children. I feel sick whenever the phone rings and can’t sleep as she often rings late at night. I feel like I’ve lost both my parents and I’m starting to feel angry now with her for caring so little when as my mum she should be supporting me. I have dcs with additional needs but it’s like she’s forgotten this and wants to demand every last second of my time. Am I unreasonable to feel angry?

OP - by responding to every ‘crisis’ she isn’t getting the help she needs.

My aunt did this with her mother and it nearly killed her. She was a wreck.

I would put the practical things she needs in place and then tell her you aren’t answering calls all day - she can call at lunch and then between 6&8 and then I’d refuse to answer.

Its not helping anyone the way it is and making it worse.

She sounds incredibly difficult and like someone who actually does thrive with some drama. I note that you said she ruined your wedding and graduation day. She sounds like she always has to have the spotlight on her. You’ve been supportive but you can’t let it affect your own home life. It is tough but you need some boundaries here, she is verbally abusing you and that is not acceptable under any circumstance.

So sorry to hear this OP. My Mum is just the same - down to ruining weddings and every significant day in my life. My Nan died recently and my Mum made it a thousand times worse than it should have been and has caused so much trauma and pain...I couldn't believe she could really be so selfish but she even caused more fear, pain and suffering for my dear Nan too as she died.

You have to distance yourself - she will drag you down with her and her reactions are not the norm and not necessary. Whatever you do will not be enough for her. And really, this sounds like it could be a long road now.

Silence your phone, get used to reading between the lines of the texts, take your time replying...if she's anything like my Mum, she'll be texting a hundred other people the same stuff to try and get some comfort or a reaction. Remember she is living in a distorted world where she is the main character and everything is happening to her. Step back and do anything to put a little distance between you.

Sending you strength x

Yes, she sounds manipulative. She knows when she's pushing it too far, because then the OP gets the 'I'm low and depressed' messages.

Some people, including mothers, NT or ND, just aren't very nice people. Their relatives need strong boundaries and they need to enforce them.

We have a very similar situation. My MIL went into a home with Alzheimer's a couple of years ago (after FIL ended up in hospital with heart issues) and he visited every day.

She was getting worse with him going so regularly, and he was getting himself really upset, and increasingly pissy with the staff. The home have contacted us asking him to dial it back, and we've had a few really awkward conversations with him about it.

He's finally accepted it, and now goes twice a week, both of them are actually much happier, but it has taken a while to get there.

It's understandable though, they have been inseparable for 50 years and in the blink of an eye, they're not. It's got to mess with your head. I'd be patient (but firm) with your mum and try to explain that her projecting on to you and your dad isn't going to be helping your dad. We found that that was the only thing that adjusted FIL.

I really feel for you (and your mum), it's so hard x

This. Couldn’t have put it any better.

Thank you all for your supportive comments. I was so afraid of being flamed. Yes I think setting boundaries is crucial - my sister has had it worse, she lives very near mum (I’m a 20 min drive away so I’m not quite as available) and when Dad was in hospital she would turn up at 7:00 in the morning at weekends and come back again late at night, totally disrupting their family routine but we were all very tolerant of it because she struggles being in her own house on her own. She does have a genuine concern about his risk of falling, the levels of supervision at the care home cannot match that of the hospital. She says she can supervise him so much better at home but it would be so much restriction on her movements. I’m
not sure she’s got a realistic perception of what it would actually be like to care for him 24 hours a day. It’s not like before his fall, he’s got delirium still and he’s so unsteady on his feet. He’s awake a lot at night too.

It a horrible position that your in with your mother. It seems that she has previous from of poor behaviour in the past re your graduation and wedding day.
She has been your father's carer for the past few years but now in reality he needs more specialist care than she can provide.
You have gotten him into a nice home with good staff but she their everyday giving them abuse. She ringing several times a day and giving you verbal abuse.

I ring the person in charge of the home and ask them for a meeting. When you meet them I apologise for her behaviour and ask them what would they normally do in a case like this?
Tell them she is giving you nothing but verbal abuse as well so you know what they are dealing with.
She can't store her own food in their kitchen and nor can she sleep on the floor at night in his room. She can't arrive their and be giving the staff verbal abuse either. She is upsetting your father and not helping him to settle in their either.
See what they suggest in this case? Perhaps they will let her visit once she is with you until her behaviour improves?
Perhaps they let her see him once every few days when your with her? They would have dealt with this before and they want to do what's best for your father in this case.

One of my friends had a family member barred from visiting his mother in a care home. She had Altizmers and he was going their giving staff verbal abuse and upsetting his mother. He was also complaining to my friend about the care his mother was getting when she in a good home. My friend could call in any time and did. He said the staff were great and got to know what his mother liked. They made her life as good as possible until she died.

I also need to think that your mother needs to hear from a friend or a family member around her own age that this behaviour needs to stop. That her husband is getting good care and the staff of the home don't deserve her verbal abuse and neither does her daughter. I know some older people are more inclined to listen to a person of their own age.

Does your mother have any friends or did she lose contact with them? Are there any active retirement groups or a day care centre she could go to to meet up with other people of her age? Are there any local groups she might be interested in?
I think that your mother needs to have something for her to get involved in or to look forward each week beyond your father care.

In regards to her giving you verbal abuse you need to tell her I am not listening to this and hang up the phone. Get a whistle and when she starts the abuse, tell her to stop and then
blow the whistle down the phone and hang up. Every time she does this the whistle is used and I guarantee that she get the message to be civil.

If she continues to ring you I tell her I am no longer listening to you ranting and I am blocking your number.
I am also ringing the care home and your not going to be let see Dad until you start behaving like an adult and not like a bold child.

Yes, it hard for her but it hard for you as well. She needs to realise that her current behaviour is not acceptable.

I think some PPs have lost sight of the fact that she has a long history of behaving inappropriately, and this is now magnified due to her husband's change in circumstance.

I think this is a situation where you need to prioritize your own mental health and your family's needs. Nothing you can do will make her change her behavior, and these endless calls aren't actually helping her.

A number of posters have mentioned possible strategies to limit her calls. Use whichever works for you, but ideally you should not talk to her more than once a day. Is it possible to mute or hide her calls/texts for most of the day, until you have the time and mental strength to deal with her?

I feel like I’ve lost both my parents and I’m starting to feel angry now with her for caring so little when as my mum she should be supporting me.

I really don’t see why now would be the time for her to focus on supporting you though??
She’s been a full time round the clock carer for her husband for years and he has recently been taken into a care home.
You are experiencing different sides of the same situation. It’s difficult seeing a parent go into a care home but it’s totally different for it to be your husband who you’ve lived with every day for decades.

I didn’t mean to suggest my needs are more important or that her focus should be on me. I just meant that even when your kids are grown up surely the parental instinct is still there. She knows how difficult my life is with my dcs yet doesn’t seem to think twice about ringing constantly night and day and putting so much pressure on.

What's the care home like? Honestly? If there are issues in the quality of care then your mum's concerns are valid.. But perhaps leaning on you too heavily for support.

I actually think it's natural for your mum to want to be there all the time and a good care home should be grateful for the support.Your dad may feel more anxious being apart from her at this point. Hopefully the delirium will calm down soon.

Your mum crying about his illness is also very normal. It can be quite shocking how quickly people go downhill with dementia. Anticipatory grief might be affecting you both right now.

Don't know how old your mum is, but would it be possible to find a home that does the dementia care and has a separate section for retirement residents? So they could be together more easily?

Delirium and the process of getting permanent care set up is extremely distressing for everyone concerned. And also, coming to terms with his illness. It must be really hard for you right now.

I think one call a day with your mum would be enough unless something serious needs discussing. Maybe just arrange to call her once the kids are in bed or something, for a daily catch up. Respond to missed calls with a message that you will ring later.

Life's a bitch sometimes. I hope things get easier for you soon.

Thank you for your understanding perspective. She’s adamant she wants him home but doesn’t have power of attorney so I think she will struggle. He is supposed to be being assessed at some point as he’s under social services at the moment. She keeps asking me to tell the home that she’s taking him, but it isn’t going to be so simple. He is at huge risk of falls at home.

The quality of care has been good she’s just concerned that he can’t be monitored for potential falls but to me, that is a problem at home too. She would need carers coming in to help otherwise she won’t have a second’s break.

One of my strategies for setting boundaries with my problematic parents is I have two SIM cards, my normal one they know the number for and another one that only my immediate family/besties know. So when I need a break and need to know that they can't contact me for a day or two I swop my Sims. Its is really nice having that virtual boundary to put in place some times.

The care home have been on the phone this morning saying they can’t put up with her behaviour anymore. She won’t let the staff near him, she’s abusive and won’t leave, it’s like having another resident. They say it’s a shame because he would have settled in nicely. She’s adamant she’s taking him home. I feel so stressed.

Maybe they should contact the police rather than you? I know it seems extreme but she honestly sounds unwell.

DAunt became rude and aggressive like this when we arranged a CH for her DH (plus her racism towards staff made it a truly awful time). In the end we arranged a different CH that would take them both as she couldn't cope with his care and wouldn't admit her own failing health. It was definitely the start of her own dementia starting to show up and she couldn't cope with any changes in her life and needed to feel in control.

Just seen your update and this doesn't sound good at all. If she can't cope with carers helping him there, I can't see how it would be better at home. She would need help regardless of what setting he is in.

I think the home need to escalate her behaviour with the relevant people because that doesn't sound like rational behaviour at all.

I also do wonder if, like the poster mentioned above, she might be having some health issues herself.

Surely the care home are not suggesting that your father can be discharged to her care? Given his condition, this would be totally unacceptable. I would have thought. Are adult social services involved? Can you get in touch with them, or his GP?

I’m sorry I don’t really agree. I do understand that things are difficult for ops mum, but it appears that she has form for behaving somewhat erratically. Op also has a child that needs extra support and this is where her main focus should and is lying. I agree that ops mum probably would benefit from another visit to the doctor to try and see if there is an underlying cause for the increase in her demanding behaviour other than the stress of the situation

Exactly.
@Margot78 you can’t make things be the way she wants them to be. Giving her all the attention she wants isn’t actually helping anyone. She wants the care home to allow her to do things she isn’t allowed to do, and you can’t intervene and make them do what she wants. Replying to her texts and calls won’t fix her depression. You should focus instead on yourself and your children i.e. your own life.

Calling you repeatedly while you’re at work is out of order. If nothing else, that needs to be a firm boundary. If she whinges that you didn’t pick up or reply to her texts, tell her “not while I’m at work” and just repeat that. It’s not negotiable.

I hope the care home are only telling you this for her information, not expecting you to do something about her. Your mother isn’t your child or employee, you can’t control her behaviour and shouldn’t be expected to.
Surely she can’t just “take him home”?

Op had your mum always been the type that needs all the attention on her?

She is going through an awful time and needs support and I know I sound harsh by asking the above question but as the daughter of a mother like this who needs to be the victim in all situations, I can see how this can all escalate

The care home have been unbelievably nice considering her behaviour. They’ve informed adult social services that Mum wants him home and we’ve got to wait for their involvement. I am very apprehensive about him going into her care, he will be put back in his chair in front of the tv and have no stimulation again. At least at the home he will be able to get exercise, see people and get healthy meals. Sending him home is a decision that would suit her and no-one else. It would inevitably mean more pressure on me and my sister as she won’t be able to cope 24/7.