Feeling angry with sandwich generation stress

[cannotdecide]

Sturggling a bit with my anger - DD doing GCSEs, younger autistic son with loads of additional needs, MIL just diagnosed with stage four cancer and is the only carer for FIL with dementia - we are two hours away. DH no siblings so I really am trying to support him through this but he’s not coping well and is combative and angry, which I get as I feel angry with life too. We need to support MIL through cancer find FIL a care home near us, whilst concentrate our support on DD’s exams and always be there for DS with his ASD and severe anxiety. We both work too in stressful jobs & have no other family anywhere near, my parents in their 80s living abroad so worrying about them too. Only posting as DH & I have had a huge row and no idea how we can manage that on top of it all, such a mess. Not sure what is chicken and egg…married 20 yrs…don’t want that to end but feels so hard & wonder about running away.

That just sounds super hard. You need as much outside support as possible - whether that’s paying for some help, speaking to the council, the school, GP etc. It would be a test to anyone’s mental well-being and relationships. Very understandable to feel angry with things.

Could you hire a private social worker to help you find a care home for your FIL? Does your MIL need carers at home? A social worker could help you source that too.

💐

You poor things give each other a hug agree you are on the same side and not in a competition for who has it worst. And beg borrow buy all and any help you can muster.

You don’t need a private social worker just make a referral to their local authority he more than meets the criteria for an assessment.

Hugs to you. No wonder you are both struggling. Can either or both of you reduce your hours at work for a bit while you find your in-laws the care they need?

I can completely relate to your entire Op. It's hellish, I get it.

Get DH to contact the Adult Social Care team, your PiLs need additional support that you are currently unable to provide - and take it from there.

Whatever you do, don't try to manage this alone as it's a recipe for disaster. Source in the help you need, and then figure out a plan together as to how to realistically manage the rest. And stick to it.

Wow that is a lot to hold up. I completely understand as have had similar going on.

It's time to streamline, cook only very simple food, things out of packets. When I was going through this I bought in meals from Cook which seemed like an enormous treat, but it was a lifesaver in terms of saving time and energy of thinking about things. Unfortunately My fussy kids don't eat much of it but then I would just give them a pizza!
Let the house be.messy. If the laundry piles up, don't worry about taking a big bag to the laundrette, In previous generations at times like this family would come in to help with such things. We don't have thay anymore and have to pay unfortunately, But it will only be short term.
Beg for as many play dates for your children as possible, lean on your friends- And don't worry about doing this because if they're good friends they lean on you One day and it will make a friendships stronger.
Can you pay for a cleaner or any other help around the home, possibly there would be money available for respite of some sort for your son. I would contact local children's services and See what you can get . And then at least you can get a break. If not that then sit down with your husband and schedule in breaks for both of you. Go swimming or a walk or something that takes you away from all of this for a short time.
It's essential that you look after yourself so that you can look after everybody else💐

@Escapetothecountryplease wrote ‘It’s time to streamline’.

I read that as ‘It’s time to sertraline’.

That might also be an option, OP.

I'm so sorry OP you're dealing with such a tough situation.

I can completely understand why you are stressed and it's putting pressure on your relationship.

I'm sure the last thing you need is one more set of appointments, but when DH and I were going through a difficult time due to external stressors we found counseling really helpful. It really saved our relationship and helped us go through it as a team.

Didn’t want to read and run. It sounds like an incredibly tough situation OP. It’s good that you are reaching out to Mumsnet and am sure lots of lovely people on here will be able to give you some valuable experience from their own lives.

if your workplace has an employees helpline with counselling I would recommend them- just talking aloud to someone and hearing a reassuring voice that is non judgmental and who maybe able to signpost you to other agencies is valuable.

may sound hollow but make sure you are eating and drinking as you can’t run on empty. Even if it’s 15 minutes in a day see if you can get some quiet thinking time.

💐

Lots of practical stuff and good advice has been given here.

My tuppence worth, take a look at the Carents website.

Feeling your pain OP - similar situation here. We have one DC doing A levels and one doing GCSEs (and another younger one), MIL had a severe stroke last year and FIL seems to have the early signs of dementia. DH has one sibling but they live abroad so not much help. Both of us have busy jobs but I only work 4 days a week so that helps save my sanity (is that an option for you or DH?). DH has spent a lot of time over the past few months travelling back and forth to his parents while I hold the fort at home and with the kids.

For us, things have become much much easier since they sold their house and moved to a retirement living flat (they actually part exchanged their house so they didn't have to go through the stress of selling) so they need less support from us now. It sounds like your FIL may be past that point though?

It's so hard. Sending virtual hugs. You and DH will get through this.

Oh OP I feel for you that does sound really hard. I understand what you mean as well, we have teens and elderly parents with declining health.

What I found quite helpful with my own elderly parents who are seperated and live a distance away, was to make use of local services to them. For example social services needs assessment, then I found a council welfare officer who went out and did e.g. assessment for attendance allowance for them.

there are also things like meals services which when set up would deliver to them and then carers can help prepare these - my own parents are in Scotland and thought we are in the south of England it was still possible to get stuff set up from a distance.

It helps me to think it will not be for ever, but I know what you mean also about it causing stress in your marriage. We have this too.

OP we have this healthcare from Benenden it is about ten pounds a month per person, I just noticed they have this care planning and support service from the first day you have it, wondered if this might be of use to you?

They have been brilliant recently with me in terms of health appointments etc and they also seem to offer some support with SEN as well?

Apologies if not helpful, just thought it might be here are details. It is not for profit, but provides discretionary healthcare when NHS waiting lists are linger than eg. 3 weeks.

www.benenden.co.uk/health/healthcare/care-planning-and-social-care-advice

Voted yabu in error… fat fingers. Sorry! YADNBU.

That is so hard! I feel your pain, my father just died after a long battle with cancer, we have 3 primary aged kids, one of whom is on the long path to diagnosis (likely ADHD) and has a lot of ongoing health issues and needing all kinds of intervention and advocacy. It’s exhausting.

I think, as hard as it is, you and your husband both need to make room for yourselves individually and as a couple. You need an outlet, mine are taking the dog on a long walk and yoga. My husbands are mountain biking and hockey. And we do a date night fortnightly,

It’s different for everyone and for a long time I got mad at people saying this to me. As if I had time or resources for that. But it has been worth making the room for it.

look after yourselves and it will make it easier for you to look after everyone else. And help your marriage survive the pressure.

I always try to think, this too shall pass. And it seems like the really tough things come together.

We are alone in a European country with no familial support. 2 DC, both ADHD and medicated, one with ADS, going blind and is currently nearly weekly in hospital on oxygen and IV drugs with a currently exacerbated chronic lung disease. Both are also going through intense exams to determine what school and uni they will go to in the next few months. We also bought a really old, crappy house that we are doing up. Plus, work and navigating everything in a foreign culture and language. This sounds like a lot but we are managing and are dealing with it OK.

So, my DH and I buckle down when everything happens at once, make a short-list of what absolutely needs to be done, and go from there. We take a nightly walk after kids are asleep and talk about everything and nothing. We make time for exercise. We get it when we break-down, have a whinge or a bad day/s, give each other space, and then we get on with it. DH has emergency leave and general leave that he can take when needed. We also let stuff go that doesn't need our immediate attention (fixing stuff, deep cleaning and so on).

We have also learnt that we need to work together, because no-one else and will fight for us and our children except us (learnt after DC suffered child SA at a kindergarten).

This is tough, OP. Allow yourself time to grieve and get angry, and then gather yourself up and make a plan with your DH. You can do this.

I feel for you Op

but no need to put a label on it

this kind of family dynamic and stress is by no way unique to a particular generation

It is though? No mums my age (early 30s) have parents so elderly they need care. I’ll hazard a guess it’s easier when you’re in your 50s and your kids are adults rather than school age. It’s called the ‘squeezed generation’ because they have a mix of elderly parents and school age children.

I think you need to step back and accept you can't do it all.

No one could in your situation.

Put your children as your first priority and your job, as you need that to look after their needs. And to look after your kids and do your job you also need a reasonable physical and mental health so you need to look after yourself as well.

I am afraid everyone else will need to find additional support:

• your parents live abroad so they need to accept that you won't be there to care for them. That means them thinking about what will happen in their old age: do they need to downsize? have they thought about whether they will have carers coming to visit them? have they thought about residential care? Better to have these frank discussions rather than wait for a crisis to happen.
• your husband needs to get a grip...no matter how upset he is it is totally unacceptable for him to take his frustration and anger on you. He is an adult and you are not here to mother him or be his emotional punchbag
• He also needs to step up as these are his parents, not yours. You should make it clear to the hospital/social services that you can't take on the responsibility of being the main carer/support for MIL/FIL and that they need to help you find the right care for them.

Frankly if your husband continues to behave in this way, I would seriously consider taking myself out of this relationship so you can focus on your children.

I think women often struggle to set boundaries in these situations and try to care for everyone out of guilt.

Be tough and don't let people just expect you to do it all.

Split the load. Tell him you'll support him by prioritising the DC so he doesn't need to worry about them.

He can then focus on looking after himself and managing his parents' situation. He can get counselling to help him through it, so he's less reliant on off loading onto you.

Do whatever you need to do to reduce the load. Reduce hours at work if necessary. Buy in help. Do self care treats.

If you have spare capacity, help him with self care too.

@picklemewalnuts ''Reduce hours at work if necessary.''

I would not do that, especially if the OP ends up having concerns about her marriage and re-considering her relationship.

''If you have spare capacity, help him with self care too.''

He is a grown adult. The OP has enough on her plate.

Age UK might be useful for your in laws, also the councils have these welfare advisors who can visit and help them with a claim for attendance allowance.

Both dementia and cancer should qualify. This might help a little

I think you need to think about the “circle of control” type thing. What you can and can’t influence.

This:
“my parents in their 80s living abroad so worrying about them too.“

Why let that add to your stress? Mine are in their 80s, not abroad but an 8 hour drive. I never worry about them. 80+ is a good innings and their age causes me no day to day stress at all.