Feeling angry with sandwich generation stress

[cannotdecide]

Sturggling a bit with my anger - DD doing GCSEs, younger autistic son with loads of additional needs, MIL just diagnosed with stage four cancer and is the only carer for FIL with dementia - we are two hours away. DH no siblings so I really am trying to support him through this but he’s not coping well and is combative and angry, which I get as I feel angry with life too. We need to support MIL through cancer find FIL a care home near us, whilst concentrate our support on DD’s exams and always be there for DS with his ASD and severe anxiety. We both work too in stressful jobs & have no other family anywhere near, my parents in their 80s living abroad so worrying about them too. Only posting as DH & I have had a huge row and no idea how we can manage that on top of it all, such a mess. Not sure what is chicken and egg…married 20 yrs…don’t want that to end but feels so hard & wonder about running away.

JFC, READ THE ROOM

Yep as people become parents later this is going to be more of a problem. I would phone SS for an assessment.

Anyways OP, so sorry you are experiencing this, this is an expanding crisis in the UK due to the aging population. People have given you some excellent practical advice so I won't add to it unless I can think of something new, but please remember to look after yourself and each other!

That sounds really hard. You are being squeezed in all directions and of course you are ratty with each other at times. Having a row isn’t a problem, just make sure to make up well as you are each other’s support. Others are giving advice, I just wanted to give sympathy.

Just in case it makes you smile, when I opened the thread I thought it would be the stresses of lunchbox prep for a big family! 🥪

Literally ignore everything @Ursula82 says, i see them popping up on every thread just to be obtuse and mean.

I would contact Macmillan as they might be able to help with mil or at least point you in the right direction and make sure you are claiming all benefits you can. In interim before move fil to a home have you got carers going in daily to help? If not get this in place. If you can afford it get yourself as much help as possible with cleaning etc. Lower standards.
Re daughter doing exams be honest with her re situation and make sure she has a calm space for revision utilise libraries close by or encourage to stay at school to revise, make sure she eats well and sleep.
Re other dc are you claiming all benefits/help entitled to?
Re dh emotions are high so arguments bound to happen. Take a breath I'm sure all will be OK.
Finally take a long bath have a cry I always find them I'm ready for the next battle.

I just reported @Ursula82 on another thread - they’re a previously banned poster, ignore OP!

This is hard, take a breath make a list to prioritise. Contact adult social care even if FIL isn't financially eligible for support he is entitled to assessment and advice /support to make necessary arrangements. MIL is also entitled to a carers assessment. I would suggest doing this first as there probably will be a bit of a wait. Get dh on board so the load is shared don't try to do it all yourself, no one can be superwoman!

As others have said, please source as much help as possible, paid or otherwise. Are there any local volunteer sitting services? Social Care can advise on that and refer. A local church might well be a good source for someone to come and sit with MiL for an hour or two a week.
Could you arrange for your dc to go to a friends house to revise/study once or twice a week?
If you are cooking mince, make spaghetti Bol and a shepherds pie for eg so one night it’s a reheat dinner. If finances allow, have a takeaway once a week or better still, eat out. Wetherspoons can be cheaper than a takeaway, it’s not for everyone though.
At least every other day take 30 mins aside for you, walk/soak in the bath/read/run/whatever you like
It is really hard, the headspace this takes is huge I know. Meditation can help the relentless concern and thinking of all that needs to be done.
It can’t last forever and you need to put yourself and your family unit first. It sounds harsh but what if you lived in another country or were somehow debilitated?
Big hugs to you

Remember that every generation goes through this including your own parents. It gets better.

We had this over the summer - two disabled DS off school, my DM was dying and DH in the middle of a big job. Saving grace was me being off for the summer holidays (teacher). We have some carer help for our children and had to massively up their hours to help- not sure if this is an option for you to help with your DS?
Sympathy as it's a nightmare.

1. for you OP - that sounds like a lot on your plate.
2. Honestly, if I were you I'd keep focused on my own family, job, home and just support your DH to do what he needs to do for his DPs. I can't see that you have the bandwidth to take on any of the IL load, but if you take some of the home load off him perhaps he'll cope better? Either way, I'd tell him to stop taking out his anger and frustration on you - the two of you need to work as a team to get through this.
3. WRT your ILs - quite simply FIL needs home care in place until he can be found a suitable care home and MIL needs practical/emotional support. So is FIL's dementia something that his GP is aware of and has he been assessed? If so, good, that should make referral to SS quite straightforward. I would urge DH to call the GP today and get that ball rolling.
4. As for MIL - does she have any local friends? Can she take taxis to the doctor/hospital? Do you have any idea of the timescale involved with her diagnosis? Some cancers move more slowly and predictably than others.

5. Your DH should dig out his work contract and see what the terms of compassionate leave are. Realistically, he's going to need to take some of it and he should let his boss/HR know what's going on.

That sounds tough.

Are practical things in place? Up to date wills, power of attorney (apply asap if not, though it may be too late for your FIL) etc.

I’d definitely start by speaking to adult social services in their area. Get support in where they are currently living. Is the plan for FIL to remain there while MIL is still alive (sorry, that sounds crass), or would the preference be to get him closer to you asap?

Your MIL should get a specialist nurse who can be a good source of information and AgeUK, MacMillan etc are also worth contacting.

if you or your DH need to take time off work - nobody can do it all - then do, and don’t see it as a failure.

I feel for you and can identify with some of this. We have two primary age kids, one relative who is not elderly but having a tough time 1.5 hrs away, two older relatives who are starting to have health issues 2hrs away in a different direction, another older relative with some issues 2 hours away in a different direction again. I would love to be supporting all of them better but just can't do it all!

I’m not sure that they do, really.
We’re having children later, so that high needs teen + elderly parents combo is more common now.
Parents are living longer, so there are more years of frailty to support them with.
And we’re older and more tired to deal with that.
On top of that, families are more likely to be living apart - adding the extra stress of the 2 hour distance here.

In previous generations, you might be 45, you own child has flown the nest and is a self supporting 20yo. Your parent is 70 and lives down the road.

I do think that this set of ages and impacts as a norm is new.

It sounds very stressful and so difficult to juggle everyone's needs.

Well done on what you are doing. Sadly, there are lots in a similar situation.

Good luck.

Oh OP big sympathies that sounds so hard. Even the logistics and admin of this must be exhausting, never mind the emotional toll.

Can you or PIL free up some money to smooth some of these tasks? It really is a rainy day right now, and smoothing things with taxis/cleaner/holidays/tutors etc can be a huge weight off your mind. Particularly immediate worries such as cooked meals for your PIL etc.

It's so difficult and it sounds like you're doing brilliantly given the circumstances.

When we went through this last year, I did all the home stuff and freed up DH to be available to support and care for his DM (who lived 3 hours away). It was a really crappy few months, but we got through it one day at a time. The word that sums up those months for us was 'a rollercoaster'.

I'd suggest getting in touch with their local hospice. Our hospice provides support and wellbeing services for people with life-limiting illness, as well as care at end of life. There are clinics, support groups, therapies and other activities all designed to support patients and carers and offer restbite. They will also have contacts with other agencies to coordinate support.

Sounds harsh but let your DH deal with his parents and you deal with the DC. I’ve cared for one elderly grandparent and one terminally ill parent and DH wasn’t really involved, it was easier that way as I knew the ins and outs and was dealing with family on my side. Once you step away from any of this being your responsibility, you will feel so much lighter. It’s wrong of your DH to make you stressed about it. He needs to man up and deal.

As an aside, I think it’s imperative that people start to plan for old age much sooner. PILs are determined to keep their huge house that they can barely manage now, it’s ridiculous. Conversely, my side have downsized and moved to manageable bungalows whilst they’re able to, all one level, no issues with access or amenities. It’s not fair of the older generation to expect everyone to rally round when they haven’t helped themselves (sudden onset illness aside, obviously).

Hello, this sounds really stressful.

Macmillan and District nurses along with social work should be pretty proactive in helping you get things sorted for them. Unfortunately it's not a rare situation because carers often are so busy looking after others that diagnosis' can be at later stages. If your FIL isn't safe to stay at home he will need care home, is there any power of attorney in place? It would all depend on funding/spaces etc but it might be nice if there was a double room in a care home/ 2 rooms in a home where they could both be so they could be together, might help him settle in and would give her support as her care needs increase. My in laws had that, one of them didn't quite meet thr requirements so was a privately funded place but in reality it wasn't long term and it was so nice for them to be together in their final year.

Spanish "We take a nightly walk after kids are asleep and talk about everything and nothing"

So you have help in the house?

Thanks to pp for saying about that Benenden service. I have it, but it's honestly not been promoted so I didn't know about the advice thing. I could have made use of that 4 months ago, but at least I know I can ask for advice from there in future.

Yup.
This week I got very, very stressed when FIL's minor operation took longer than expected (due to there being students), and the hospital transport said they could only wait another 5 mins (as they had to get to another patient). I needed to get back for my son. I'm a lone parent.

I have LOTS of people as backup support. Not to help with the real nitty gritty of care and admin, but to e.g. be on hand to collect my son at the last minute.
I also have lots of friends who listen to me w/o judgement if I'm having a good old moan.
And a very supportive manager.

If I had given my future self some advice a few years ago, it would be to be cautious when you step in to help, as you can very easily find yourself as the primary person.

@EmmaEmerald no, the kids are old enough to be left alone.