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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling angry with sandwich generation stress

68 replies

cannotdecide · 10/02/2023 00:14

Sturggling a bit with my anger - DD doing GCSEs, younger autistic son with loads of additional needs, MIL just diagnosed with stage four cancer and is the only carer for FIL with dementia - we are two hours away. DH no siblings so I really am trying to support him through this but he’s not coping well and is combative and angry, which I get as I feel angry with life too. We need to support MIL through cancer find FIL a care home near us, whilst concentrate our support on DD’s exams and always be there for DS with his ASD and severe anxiety. We both work too in stressful jobs & have no other family anywhere near, my parents in their 80s living abroad so worrying about them too. Only posting as DH & I have had a huge row and no idea how we can manage that on top of it all, such a mess. Not sure what is chicken and egg…married 20 yrs…don’t want that to end but feels so hard & wonder about running away.

OP posts:

ApocalypseNowt · 10/02/2023 11:21

It sounds stressful and it is! I've been in a similar situation and it's so hard. My DF had me when he was in his 40's which was definitely not the norm amongst my peer group.

I foresee a lot more people are going to end up in this kind of situation with people in general having babies later than they used to.

badgermushrooms · 10/02/2023 11:51

Have a think if there's anything you can chuck money at to take it off your plate, if your budget allows. Even if it's something you would normally think is wasteful - your time and mental health also have a value. When DH was going through the most intense part of his cancer treatment my mum, who went through this with her own mum, sent me money for an easier grocery shop, things like (healthy) ready meals, stir fry kits, pre chopped veg you can put in the microwave, and that was massively helpful. And/or could you consider a cleaner?

NeedToChangeName · 10/02/2023 11:53

Spanisheomellletttes · 10/02/2023 06:06

I always try to think, this too shall pass. And it seems like the really tough things come together.

We are alone in a European country with no familial support. 2 DC, both ADHD and medicated, one with ADS, going blind and is currently nearly weekly in hospital on oxygen and IV drugs with a currently exacerbated chronic lung disease. Both are also going through intense exams to determine what school and uni they will go to in the next few months. We also bought a really old, crappy house that we are doing up. Plus, work and navigating everything in a foreign culture and language. This sounds like a lot but we are managing and are dealing with it OK.

So, my DH and I buckle down when everything happens at once, make a short-list of what absolutely needs to be done, and go from there. We take a nightly walk after kids are asleep and talk about everything and nothing. We make time for exercise. We get it when we break-down, have a whinge or a bad day/s, give each other space, and then we get on with it. DH has emergency leave and general leave that he can take when needed. We also let stuff go that doesn't need our immediate attention (fixing stuff, deep cleaning and so on).

We have also learnt that we need to work together, because no-one else and will fight for us and our children except us (learnt after DC suffered child SA at a kindergarten).

This is tough, OP. Allow yourself time to grieve and get angry, and then gather yourself up and make a plan with your DH. You can do this.

@Spanisheomellletttes That's a lot to cope with. Sounds like you and DH work well as a team

NeedToChangeName · 10/02/2023 11:59

DonnaBanana · 10/02/2023 09:38

Remember that every generation goes through this including your own parents. It gets better.

@DonnaBanana Yes and No

In my parents' generation / circles, most of the women (1) had children fairly young and (2) didn't work

So, they could focus on their young children, whilst their parents were still in good health

And by the time their parents' health deteriorated, (1) children were older and more independent and (2) they weren't also trying to juggle work commitments. My Mum regularly jumped on a train at an hour's notice to go to help her parents when required. I couldn't do that now

I think for people - and it's mostly women, but shouldn't be - it's a tough gig combining (1) care of elderly and (2) care of children and (3) work

Oblomov23 · 10/02/2023 12:16

Actually I think Ursula has a point. We are expected to just deal with all this shit. Breathe OP. And re the anger, sit down and tell Dh what you've said on this thread. You are coping with a lot, best you can, and if you are going to do so, him being combative and angry, when a large part of this is actually his 2 parents, is not ok. You are allowed to scream, in frustration. And a little cry. Can be very therapeutic.

But then onto practical measures, you've had very good advice re SS assessment, GP, Macmillsn, so start contacting everyone you can.

crew2022 · 10/02/2023 15:06

Sounds very stressful. We have had similar. I raised a safeguarding re my DM who is many miles away and social services helped find her care home although she has to pay. They also got us better rates.
We got MIL and FIL to apply for attendance allowance and then use the money to pay for some additional help so it wasn't always us cutting their grass and taking them everywhere. Attendance allowance is not means tested and can be spent on whatever the person chooses so taxi fares to appointments, podiatrist, carer or hairdressing etc.

Lovetotravel123 · 10/02/2023 15:16

I feel for you and have a similar situation. Could the ILs afford to have live-in care? It is expensive but would solve a lot of issues. Try Elder as an agency.

Spanisheomellletttes · 10/02/2023 15:40

@NeedToChangeName it can be, but it is all relative, isn't it. There is always someone worse off, like people with cancer or cancer in their family, disabled children needing full-time care and no social support.

And I am reminded that when things get hard and we get through it, I always look back and realise how much I learned, and how much stronger and more resilient we have become. That helps us deal with the next lot of bad.

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 15:42

EmmaEmerald · 10/02/2023 10:52

Spanish "We take a nightly walk after kids are asleep and talk about everything and nothing"

So you have help in the house?

Thanks to pp for saying about that Benenden service. I have it, but it's honestly not been promoted so I didn't know about the advice thing. I could have made use of that 4 months ago, but at least I know I can ask for advice from there in future.

Oh that is good, I have found it useful in general but not tried the care advice service. Age UK also might be useful.

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 15:44

I thuink, as well as talking to each other, if you and DH have freinds or someone to chat to outsdie the family and let off steam that can also help. It can be good to go out for a drink maybe not that I know there is much time sometimes.

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 15:44

excuse typos

Original poster

cannotdecide · 10/02/2023 16:31

Thank you so much everyone for the support and also the helpful practical advice. I am going to focus on the kids and let DH focus on his parents, I have phoned social services for them and they will be assessed so will take things from there. I feel so much more positive having some ideas. Benenden looks good I haven’t heard of them before. I’m glad I posted as you’ve all made me feel so much better. Thank you.

OP posts:

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 16:48

I think splitting things up like that sounds helpful. Hope it all goes well for you

Original poster

cannotdecide · 12/02/2023 01:27

thank you for this, I keep re-reading this post & realise it is just the advice we need. It’s hard to read but what I needed to hear, I’m grateful x

OP posts:

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/02/2023 01:38

I feel your pain.

2 dc with additional needs here and had a parent with a terminal diagnosis and no other family. My 20 odd year marriage broke up under the stress and I was left a lone parent juggling it all.

No advice but at least you are not alone. Lean on each other.

euff · 12/02/2023 02:23

This is an awful lot to be going through more than 'just' being sandwich generation. Try to cut yourselves some slack. We have found it very hard and I have two siblings to share it with who are doing more than me. I know you have called social care for DH and started that but ask him to tell them that you are all under enormous strain and perhaps for a carers assessment for both of you with regards to both sides of the sandwich.

If either of you have any good friends who would be there for you then do ask. I would want to be there for my friends but might not be sure how to be there for them. If you can afford it financially and time wise have time out for yourselves separately and together with DD and outsource things that may be hard or taking up time that will make your life better.

MyGrandmaLizzie · 12/02/2023 16:16

Cupcakegirl13 · 10/02/2023 00:28

You don’t need a private social worker just make a referral to their local authority he more than meets the criteria for an assessment.

You are likely to wait a while for a Local Authority assessment or being allocated a social worker. A private one should be able to help very quickly and be more efficient. If you are going to be self funding then the LA are unlikely to be very interested to help you once they have done a needs assessment. That was my experience.

saraclara · 12/02/2023 16:44

Ursula82 · 10/02/2023 06:08

I feel for you Op

but no need to put a label on it

this kind of family dynamic and stress is by no way unique to a particular generation

I think you've misunderstood the term 'sandwich generation'. It's a moveable thing that each generation gets its turn at.

When you have children who still need you, and parents who NOW need you, you're in the sandwich generation. You're the filling, and those you are responsible for, younger and older, are the bread. I'm coming to the end of being the filling. I only have one of the four parents left, and my daughter has children. Her generation is going to be the sandwich generation soon.

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