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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do I warn them or stay out of it??

73 replies

shudawudacuda · 09/02/2023 17:59

I work in a school. I discovered last week that the head teacher (M, married with children) is having an affair with a younger (F, single) TA, who is a very good friend of mine. Another colleague spotted them kissing on school grounds. She told me as she knows I am close to the TA, and has assured me that she has no intention of telling anyone else. A few eyebrows have been raised recently about the amount of time they have been spending together, but I just put it down to idle gossip. Now that I know, I can see that they are spending a lot of time together in his office, and he seeks her out at whole-school events, it's not very subtle!

I have stressed over this for the last week and just can't decide what to do. Part of me thinks it's none of my business, they are grown adults capable of making their own decision. But part of me wants to warn her that people are starting to gossip, and now they have been seen together. I also worry that she is in a vulnerable position, a lowly TA having an affair with the head teacher. If the shit hits the fan I fear it will be her that takes the brunt of it. Should I tell her or keep my mouth shut??

YABU - none of your business, stay out of it
YANBU - you owe it to your friend to warn her before it becomes common knowledge

OP posts:
shudawudacuda · 09/02/2023 18:00

Also, just to say that I have name-changed as I have previously posted identifying info in my usual username

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 09/02/2023 18:01

If she were my friend , I would tell her people know.

lanbro · 09/02/2023 18:03

YANBU I would warn my friend

SilverHydrangea · 09/02/2023 18:03

YANBU I would definitely tell your friend and have done in similar circumstances.

Hadalifeonce · 09/02/2023 18:03

I was in the very same situation years ago. I told my friend there were rumours, and they had been seen 'together'.
I didn't make any accusations or suggestions, just gave the facts.

dudsville · 09/02/2023 18:04

Tell her.

Also, it's weird when people carry on like this publicly, isn't it. Presumably your friend knows he's married. He knows he's married. Is it some weird challenge to society, a statement that they don't care that everyone knows?

GrapesOfRoss · 09/02/2023 18:08

Yes I would tell her.

My old housemaster lost his job over an affair with a colleague and I think both of the people here run a similar risk- kissing on school grounds is absolutely mad, what if a pupil had seen?

YNK · 09/02/2023 18:13

Tell her before the head sacrifices her - she's just disposable collateral to him.

DestinysGrandchild · 09/02/2023 18:14

Just tell her. You're not the one doing anything wrong.

WeepingSomnambulist · 09/02/2023 18:17

You're her friend. Tell her that people know.

I would also tell him. I know he is your boss but I would say something like, "I know this is awkward but the affair between you and X is becoming public knowledge. I would hate for a TA to face difficulties because of what has happened between her and a superior and since you are married, this isnt really gossip you want going round but it is. Just thought you should be aware."

U1sce · 09/02/2023 18:19

YANBU Id definitely tell her, and consider saying something to him too as suggested above

DDivaStar · 09/02/2023 18:25

Yes tell her.

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 18:25

You would be remiss not to tell her.

Anon132 · 09/02/2023 18:25

I'd tell her but also single or not, would question morals if she's knowingly with a married man with children, and stay completely away from him, sounds like an arsehole!

Rosie22xx · 09/02/2023 18:25

My first thought was find out who his wide is and tell her anonymously! The head teacher is disgusting and his wife deserves to know, also your friend is disgusting (if she knows he's married) for knowingly having an affair, no morals. There's plenty of men out there to go for, a married man should never be one. And as for the head teacher he is utterly vile and needs to be caught out, he will never tell his poor wife and poor kids for having a dad like that.

drpet49 · 09/02/2023 18:28

YNK · 09/02/2023 18:13

Tell her before the head sacrifices her - she's just disposable collateral to him.

Oh boo hoo. She should have thought about that before having an affair with a married man with children.

SunshineAndFizz · 09/02/2023 18:28

Yeah tell her. They need to wrap this behaviour up.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 09/02/2023 18:34

You're right she is an adult and this is is a potentially messy situation that I would not want to be involved in. However is she's a good friend i would definitely tell her that she has been spotted.

RealBecca · 09/02/2023 18:38

Either tell her you've been told and word is getting around and that you thought she should know. Or say nothing. Of you speak to her then she may start confiding in you so decide if you want that first x

Glitteratitar · 09/02/2023 18:40

Been in the exact same situation with a close work colleague. Found out through someone else. Told her and warned her. She completely freaked but then the two of them have carried on clearly not caring that people are whispering.

I did my bit. It’s now on her and him how they want to behave. I don’t ask about her relationship with him and I don’t want to know.

KarmaStar · 09/02/2023 18:44

You forgot to turn the voting on!😀
I would tell her before things get out of hand.

corcaithecat · 09/02/2023 18:50

Bugger telling your friend. I’d tell his wife. She deserves to know the truth about her cheating husband.

EsmeSusanOgg · 09/02/2023 18:54

Anon132 · 09/02/2023 18:25

I'd tell her but also single or not, would question morals if she's knowingly with a married man with children, and stay completely away from him, sounds like an arsehole!

This. I presume she knows he is married. What is she hoping to achieve?

I'd tell her there are rumours, but I'd also distance myself because that's a shirty thing to do.

SuperSange · 09/02/2023 19:00

When it gets out, she'll be the one who loses her job, not him.

sammyjoanne · 09/02/2023 19:02

the fact its on school grounds is whats worrying. its unprofessional