Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Do I warn them or stay out of it??

73 replies

shudawudacuda · 09/02/2023 17:59

I work in a school. I discovered last week that the head teacher (M, married with children) is having an affair with a younger (F, single) TA, who is a very good friend of mine. Another colleague spotted them kissing on school grounds. She told me as she knows I am close to the TA, and has assured me that she has no intention of telling anyone else. A few eyebrows have been raised recently about the amount of time they have been spending together, but I just put it down to idle gossip. Now that I know, I can see that they are spending a lot of time together in his office, and he seeks her out at whole-school events, it's not very subtle!

I have stressed over this for the last week and just can't decide what to do. Part of me thinks it's none of my business, they are grown adults capable of making their own decision. But part of me wants to warn her that people are starting to gossip, and now they have been seen together. I also worry that she is in a vulnerable position, a lowly TA having an affair with the head teacher. If the shit hits the fan I fear it will be her that takes the brunt of it. Should I tell her or keep my mouth shut??

YABU - none of your business, stay out of it
YANBU - you owe it to your friend to warn her before it becomes common knowledge

OP posts:

EyesOnThePies · 09/02/2023 19:02

Tell her.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/02/2023 19:09

Part of me wants to warn her that people are starting to gossip

If she has any sense at all she'll know that already; as you said yourself they're not exactly being subtle

Have a word by all means, but don't expect it to make any difference - though in your position I wouldn't be offering a shoulder to cry on when it all goes wrong. Unless she's somehow being coerced she knows exactly what she's doing and I have little respect for people like this

MysteryBelle · 09/02/2023 19:25

They’re both awful. He is married and knows he’s in a position of power over a younger employee/colleague, and she knows he’s married and in that position over her. No, I wouldn’t say anything to them. I’m sure they’re well aware what the risks are and they’re taking them anyway. It would be hard for me to be friends with someone who is having an affair with a married man. I don’t think I could.

The person I’d tell is the wife. She’s in the dark and doesn’t deserve to be. How to do that I don’t know. I once told a good friend she was being cheated on by her boyfriend, we all worked together including the woman he was cheating with. I thought she’d want to know because I would have. She got angry at me instead of at him and never spoke to me again. She later married a different mutual colleague (I wasn’t invited to the wedding) but strangely, on social media her husband ‘friended’ me and is very nice. Still have heard nothing from her. But, you don’t know the head teacher’s wife so no worries there. You do have to think how you’d tell her because your job would be at risk if he found out you told her.

UdoU · 09/02/2023 19:39

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/02/2023 19:09

Part of me wants to warn her that people are starting to gossip

If she has any sense at all she'll know that already; as you said yourself they're not exactly being subtle

I think she knows too. He is scum for cheating and she is not as scummy but scummy nonetheless.

I knew someone who knew everyone knew and didn’t care.

OhClunge · 09/02/2023 19:48

In my heart I'd want to tell her but my head is saying let them both face the consequences
They will get found out
They will both have to answer for their actions, equally
Telling her doesn't necessarily mean she'll tell him about the rumours
It will happen with or without you saying anything
Shitty position for you to be in though

Chickenly · 09/02/2023 19:54

It’s not uncommon in schools. If anything, in terms of a power dynamic, I think she actually has the upper hand here. She could kick off and go the governors and cause him far, far more grief than she’d get.

Is she married too?

Also, I’d probably not mention to her that you think she’s a “lowly TA”. Learning Support Assistants do a very important job.

Isthisreasonable · 09/02/2023 19:55

Stay out of it. She's chosen not to take you into her confidence despite being a very good friend. If they are being that indiscrete she may want it to come out in the hope that he leaves his wife for her. Whatever the reason it will get messy and you are best out of it.

Riapia · 09/02/2023 19:55

YABU for describing a TA as lowly.
FFS that was a horrible thing to say.

GoldenGorilla · 09/02/2023 19:56

I would definitely tell her. Make clear you’re not judging, but you’re concerned about how the gossip could affect her - both professionally and personally.

Riapia · 09/02/2023 19:57

Apologies just re read your OP.

EmmatheStageRat · 09/02/2023 19:58

The person I would tell is the chair of governors.

Bunce1 · 09/02/2023 19:58

The kissing on school grounds is wholly inappropriate and that would prompt me to make a complaint to the governors and ofsted.

completely inappropriate of both of them and more so him because of the power imbalance.

Coffeellama · 09/02/2023 20:01

You can tell her if you want, but they both deserve any shit hitting the fan. He’s disgusting and she’s not much better, it’s not like she won’t no he’s married with children. Why is a TA lowly though?

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 09/02/2023 20:02

You're assuming it's gone further than kissing. Maybe it hasn't, in which case a word from you could make her come to her senses before it goes any further.

winterchills · 09/02/2023 20:03

I would definitely warn her!

lapsis · 09/02/2023 20:03

🤨

MarshaMelrose · 09/02/2023 20:03

I'd tell her. Hope she'd discuss it with him. And then they can decide if they should knock it on the head so he can save his marriage. Or, alternatively, decide they want to be together.
In my experience it's not that uncommon in schools and colleges.

UdoU · 09/02/2023 20:04

Riapia · 09/02/2023 19:55

YABU for describing a TA as lowly.
FFS that was a horrible thing to say.

That’s not what OP meant, the subtext is the TA holds less power. OP doesn’t think she’s lowly.

OhClunge · 09/02/2023 20:06

@Riapia apologised @UdoU

mathanxiety · 09/02/2023 20:08

YANBU, she needs to know she's making a complete fool of herself.

If there's a board of governors they need to know that the HT is carrying on with a member if staff who is far below his pay grade.

Original poster

shudawudacuda · 09/02/2023 20:10

Thankyou everyone for your thoughts, it is really helpful to hear your views. Just to clarify, when I refer to a 'lowly TA' it is because I am worried about the power dynamics at play here. I am also a TA at the school. Thankyou to the PP for your apology

OP posts:

ICanHideButICantRun · 09/02/2023 20:21

Of course you should tell your friend. I can't think of one reason why you wouldn't.

She will tell him who told her - be prepared for any repercussions there.

What they will probably do is go underground with it. What a horrible way for them both to behave, especially in public.

Maray1967 · 09/02/2023 20:26

sammyjoanne · 09/02/2023 19:02

the fact its on school grounds is whats worrying. its unprofessional

Exactly this. Someone needs to inform the chair of governors.

Hups · 09/02/2023 20:26

I wouldn't tell her.
Mainly because I wouldn't be speaking to her at all.

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 20:31

shudawudacuda · 09/02/2023 20:10

You are spot on to be more worried about her as a TA, she’ll be out the door no questions asked depending on her contract (likely crap) versus a principal

Flip

1 2 3