Do I warn them or stay out of it??

[shudawudacuda]

I work in a school. I discovered last week that the head teacher (M, married with children) is having an affair with a younger (F, single) TA, who is a very good friend of mine. Another colleague spotted them kissing on school grounds. She told me as she knows I am close to the TA, and has assured me that she has no intention of telling anyone else. A few eyebrows have been raised recently about the amount of time they have been spending together, but I just put it down to idle gossip. Now that I know, I can see that they are spending a lot of time together in his office, and he seeks her out at whole-school events, it's not very subtle!

I have stressed over this for the last week and just can't decide what to do. Part of me thinks it's none of my business, they are grown adults capable of making their own decision. But part of me wants to warn her that people are starting to gossip, and now they have been seen together. I also worry that she is in a vulnerable position, a lowly TA having an affair with the head teacher. If the shit hits the fan I fear it will be her that takes the brunt of it. Should I tell her or keep my mouth shut??

YABU - none of your business, stay out of it
YANBU - you owe it to your friend to warn her before it becomes common knowledge

YANBU warn your friend

Warn her for sure and as for people not gossiping? Ha!

Not a chance.

She mustn't value her job, neither must he either.

Yep I would say something as they are been irresponsible. What if a child saw them kissing?

Head teachers are expected to uphold a high level of behaviour in a public office ( Nolan principles) - one principle is integrity …… An affair with a colleague is an issue

Tell her or tell the chair of governors

Dear friend, just messaging to tell you that there are rumours going round that you are having an affair with x. No idea if they are true but thought I should give you a heads up.

I’d warn her 100%

Make a dummy email account and email the governors! Lay it in thick about him taking advantage of a young subordinate, the power imbalance, the lack of integrity as the married head of the school etc.

I really would just want to get him sacked.

I agree.

YANBU. he is in a fiduciary position and is taking advantage of her. She deserves to be warned by you, her friend - because she’s the one who would take the fall.

ugh, I loathe men

I would absolutely warn her that everyone is gossiping about the affair she's having and she needs to be careful.

I would also stress that I didn't want to be her confidant though.

I do not think what she is doing is right, but why should she bear the brunt of it? She is not the married one. He is the one who owes his wife fidelity. He holds the position of authority. If anyone should bear the brunt of it alone, it is him.

If she’s a friend tell her. If staff have noticed I bet some of the kids have too, my 10yo dd told me about her suspicions about one of her teachers and another member of staff yesterday, she’s noticed them being together all the time and really cosy. I hadn’t told her but I’ve had my suspicions about them for a while, the difference here is the staff members are single to do what they want.

Mmmmmm! I think I would keep out of it.

They're both arseholes and don't deserve a warning, not that they need one as they know exactly what they're doing.

I'd be telling his superior.

I'd be more concerned about his wife than anyone else in this scenario.

No don’t say anything.

I was in this exact situation except TA was also married. I actually spoke to the Head in a ‘oh gosh can you imagine what silly rumours are going around’ way. If anything it made things worse and they become more blatant.

I also spoke to Chair of Governors who shut down the conversation.

What happened next? I got a verbal warning for gossiping, HT got a promotion to another school and he got the TA a promotion to another school in the trust.

This was at a primary school btw; it appears to be a common occurrence where there is a male headteacher.

I have often wondered how common this behaviour is. Sounds like Waterloo Road!

I'd warn her too. It sounds like this is her last chance to avert an impending disaster that will affect her, him, his wife and kids.

I'd give her that last chance shot at damage limitation. Whether she takes it or not isn't on you, at least you'll have tried.

So what did you decide to do? Have there been any developments in the past few months?

yeah, what happened, OP?

@shudawudacuda at best its hearsay, without proof

This happened to me.
I was the wife.
They both lost their jobs.

So very sorry to hear that Zoopet 😔

So I don't want to say too much as it could be outing but to cut a very long story short, the situation continued, and the individuals involved were so blatant that eventually the whole staff team became aware of what was happening. The head teacher had other issues going on, including mental health issues and alcohol dependency, and everyone tried to support him as much as possible, until it became obvious that it was becoming a risk to the children. In the end I felt I had no choice but to follow the whistleblowing procedure and then leave. I am still in touch with my former colleagues who tell me that despite 5 formal complaints from members of staff nothing has changed, the affair is still continuing and the whole team is desperately unhappy. I am starting again at another school and thank my lucky stars every day that I am out of that toxic environment