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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being a bit crap actually?

54 replies

janeseymour78 · 08/02/2023 22:03

She's been my best friend for 15 years and we've always met up frequently until about a year ago.

We now meet more like every 2 months but it always becomes a mammoth catch up and always such a great time. I always properly restored after meeting up. 🙂

We last met early Dec and early Jan she said she was really busy all month but we could have a phone call instead? Which honestly I found laughable...we live in the same small city ffs. She's just contacted me again saying she wants to meet but won't feel up to socialising for some weeks because is being made redundant & feels too sad.

I just had a small op with follow up scans planned & Im also struggling a bit and need my friend. I have other friends but it's not quite the same. Would you say something or accept the drift away?

OP posts:
chopc · 08/02/2023 22:07

Erm she is not drifting- she said she is being made redundant and is sad and does not feel up to socialising and you are in a strop because she is not there for you. Right now she doesn't have the capacity. Why don't you think about how good a friend you are to her?

HyggeTygge · 08/02/2023 22:08

She's been your best friend for 15 years. All friendships go through busier and quieter patches imo... I think you should cut her some slack. But also give her a call! She might feel like she doesn't want to burden you but hasn't clocked that she might be a help to you.

The fact she has let you know she'll be out of action for a bit is really good in this age of flaking, faking covid and ghosting. Hope you sort it out OP Flowers

R0ckets · 08/02/2023 22:08

She's about to be made redundant and you're moaning because she doesn't physically want to come and meet up? You sound very self centred to be honest she's not there to restore you and if she truly was your friend you'd be a damn sight more understanding.

Workinghardeveryday · 08/02/2023 22:08

She is being made redundant and you are thinking about yourself. Wow

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 08/02/2023 22:09

I'm not 'in a strop'. I feel sad about not seeing her for over 2 months now, aside from the op there have been other things going on.

It comes from a place of missing the more frequent friendship we had. Honestly telling me she had plans all of Jan but we could have a phone call instead...I wouldn't say that to a friend who I lived close to tbh.

OP posts:
Armadunno · 08/02/2023 22:09

She is possibly struggling. Mentally I mean.

You are saying you need her, what about what she needs? She isn’t up to socialising. You say it’s a mammoth catch up that leaves you feeling restored. She has offered a phone call so it sounds as though these mammoth catch ups possibly leave her drained.

She hasn’t said anything that implies she is drifting away but she obviously can’t do a mammoth catch up at the moment. You sound very self absorbed, it’s all about what you want. That’s not how friendships should be.

Coffeellama · 08/02/2023 22:10

It’s not a drift away, it’s a bad couple of months. Honestly you sound pretty needy and also not arsed about her troubles so I imagine she just doesn’t have it in her to leave you feeling ‘fully restored’ just now. Show some compassion and give her time.

Coffeellama · 08/02/2023 22:11

janeseymour78 · 08/02/2023 22:09

I'm not 'in a strop'. I feel sad about not seeing her for over 2 months now, aside from the op there have been other things going on.

It comes from a place of missing the more frequent friendship we had. Honestly telling me she had plans all of Jan but we could have a phone call instead...I wouldn't say that to a friend who I lived close to tbh.

If you missed her that much you’d have been happy with a phone call. What’s wrong with a call?

Caplin · 08/02/2023 22:11

So she has worked her butt off, might lose her job, income, not be able to pay bills, be fearful of finding something new, impact on her future. FFS, you find it ‘laughable’to call her? you aren’t much of a mate. Listen to what she needs. She wants to retreat, hide from the world, she feels awful, she cannot give you what you need right now, her battery is empty.

I get you also need her, but right now her world is collapsing and it is not all about you. We all deal with stress differently, she clearly withdraws. If you were a good friend you would check in, maybe send flowers or nice gift, maybe offer to pop over with a meal for two, maybe just call and not insist she gets out of her onesie and drag herself off the sofa to do something she really can’t deal with.

After 15 years where she hasn’t let you down, maybe you need to do a bit of heavy lifting to help her through.

DarkNurseries · 08/02/2023 22:11

She’s got her own stuff going on, OP. For whatever reason, she’s not able to provide restorative company for you — when she’s having a tough time, she needs to withdraw. Cut her some slack if this is an important friendship.

Workinghardeveryday · 08/02/2023 22:12

janeseymour78 · 08/02/2023 22:09

I'm not 'in a strop'. I feel sad about not seeing her for over 2 months now, aside from the op there have been other things going on.

It comes from a place of missing the more frequent friendship we had. Honestly telling me she had plans all of Jan but we could have a phone call instead...I wouldn't say that to a friend who I lived close to tbh.

Small op you said…

there is a cost of living crisis. She is about to be out of a job. I am guessing as most people would she is very worried and this is her main concern, not meeting with a ‘friend’.

jez, just think of her and her feelings and not your own

AdInfinitum12 · 08/02/2023 22:13

janeseymour78 · 08/02/2023 22:09

I'm not 'in a strop'. I feel sad about not seeing her for over 2 months now, aside from the op there have been other things going on.

It comes from a place of missing the more frequent friendship we had. Honestly telling me she had plans all of Jan but we could have a phone call instead...I wouldn't say that to a friend who I lived close to tbh.

Why? So youre saying she should cancel her January plans for you?

gamerchick · 08/02/2023 22:13

Ah read between the lines OP. She doesn't have the emotional capacity to be there for you atm. Sometimes we have to reserve our beans for ourselves. She's told you she's going through it and is down, you're thinking of yourself and stropping a bit. Check in on her and let her acclimatise to the changes in her life.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 08/02/2023 22:13

For the record, they are big catch ups because we have a great time chatting about everything.

She said she doesn't want to drag me down by meeting up which she has done in the past. A friendship isn't just about sharing good times and the result is she is struggling and I miss her too. It could even just be a cuppa on a weeknight. I just miss her a lot and hate that she is having a hard time too.

But she didn't ask how I was doing at all these past months. I always ask her how she is. Maybe it is just a hard phase.

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 08/02/2023 22:13

Caplin · 08/02/2023 22:11

So she has worked her butt off, might lose her job, income, not be able to pay bills, be fearful of finding something new, impact on her future. FFS, you find it ‘laughable’to call her? you aren’t much of a mate. Listen to what she needs. She wants to retreat, hide from the world, she feels awful, she cannot give you what you need right now, her battery is empty.

I get you also need her, but right now her world is collapsing and it is not all about you. We all deal with stress differently, she clearly withdraws. If you were a good friend you would check in, maybe send flowers or nice gift, maybe offer to pop over with a meal for two, maybe just call and not insist she gets out of her onesie and drag herself off the sofa to do something she really can’t deal with.

After 15 years where she hasn’t let you down, maybe you need to do a bit of heavy lifting to help her through.

This!

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 08/02/2023 22:15

Coffeellama · 08/02/2023 22:11

If you missed her that much you’d have been happy with a phone call. What’s wrong with a call?

Show quote history

She said she couldn't meet because she was busy with other friends but could do a phone call with me...being offered the short straw basically.

I'm not against phone calls but in 15 years we've never done them. It seemed like a way of squeezing me in.

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 08/02/2023 22:16

Ffs the poor woman, I've dumped friends needy, demanding and irritating like yourself, ive no time for it. True friends understand you don't need to see each other all the time to still be friends, there's really no need to spit your dummy out, she's going through a difficult time and doesn't feel up to meeting but is happy to chat over the phone... a good friend would say " oh yes absolutely, that would be great" not whinge and moan about it

N1Co · 08/02/2023 22:17

I always properly restored after meeting up.
You do, but what about her? It sounds like she’s really struggling at the moment and doesn’t have the mental energy to cope with it.

Good friendships have seasons of give and take. It may not be what’s best for you right now but what’s helpful for her.

everlovelyjewel · 08/02/2023 22:17

surely this is a reverse, no one could be that self absorbed (and admit to it on mn)

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 08/02/2023 22:17

HyggeTygge · 08/02/2023 22:08

She's been your best friend for 15 years. All friendships go through busier and quieter patches imo... I think you should cut her some slack. But also give her a call! She might feel like she doesn't want to burden you but hasn't clocked that she might be a help to you.

The fact she has let you know she'll be out of action for a bit is really good in this age of flaking, faking covid and ghosting. Hope you sort it out OP Flowers

Thanks @HyggeTygge

The truth is that my reserves are also very low at the moment with some health issues which affects me mentally too, so I don't have much to give myself right now. Maybe I should just give her a call.

OP posts:
pilates · 08/02/2023 22:17

Your post smacks of me me me.

Be a good friend and listen - she needs some space.

merlotlover · 08/02/2023 22:20

I think it shows how much she values your friendship that she's been honest with you and not just made up excuses. Just have a chat on the phone and some text chats

Caplin · 08/02/2023 22:20

Maybe the reason she doesn’t want a big catch up is because she knows you have health issues and doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to offer support in return? So she deviates to friends who are coming without their own big issues and she can unload to them without feeling guilty.

Circumferences · 08/02/2023 22:21

It does sound as though she's sort of drifting away from you, but these things aren't necessarily permanent.

If I had a friend who said to me "I'm too busy all the time with all of my other friends" I'd feel as though they've probably moved on on life.

You're not wrong to feel hurt

CoorieInByTheFire · 08/02/2023 22:24

She sounds like she’s been struggling for a while, maybe the possibility of redundancy hanging over her, and the busyness was a cover up because she didn’t feel up to socialising, or able to keep a cheerful face on but didn’t want to talk about it. It’s what I would have said too, in the same position. And now she’s been made redundant, in a time when so many people are already really struggling with the cost of living crisis, and you’re pissed off and whining she’s not got time for you?