To think my friend is being a bit crap actually?

[janeseymour78]

She's been my best friend for 15 years and we've always met up frequently until about a year ago.

We now meet more like every 2 months but it always becomes a mammoth catch up and always such a great time. I always properly restored after meeting up. 🙂

We last met early Dec and early Jan she said she was really busy all month but we could have a phone call instead? Which honestly I found laughable...we live in the same small city ffs. She's just contacted me again saying she wants to meet but won't feel up to socialising for some weeks because is being made redundant & feels too sad.

I just had a small op with follow up scans planned & Im also struggling a bit and need my friend. I have other friends but it's not quite the same. Would you say something or accept the drift away?

Yep, I think she is a bit and it does hurt as I'm not sure if she'll come back or if that's her moving on.

I actually think it is quite insulting to say that, ie. Busy with others but can offer a phone call. We live no more than 20-25 mins apart, just seems silly to not just meet.

I think I'll take time to recover from my op over the coming days and then offer to call her. Maybe she is struggling more than she is actually saying.

@CoorieInByTheFire I don't think whining is a good way of putting it.

We've supported each other over the years and I miss her. That's all. I have lots of friends I socialise with and other close friends who live far apart. She is the only close friend who lives locally, so I'm disappointed to not see more of her is all.

wtf 🤣

It sounds like you’ve been emotionally dumping on her every time you meet and she can’t cope with it anymore.

You sound unhinged.

You are both "in need" at the moment. I can see why you feel miffed, but I can see her side as well. Have the phone call with her, and tell her about your health issues and how much you would love to see her in person - but also listen to her woes, and be a supportive friend to her. Maybe she can't afford to meet up if that usually involves food or drink?

There is ebb and flow in friendships and sometimes they need a bit of nurturing along the way.

I think whining is an excellent way of putting it, and I see no compassion for your friend at all.

This is just completely not true. If anything it was the opposite last time we met as she needed to talk about something in her personal life at length. I didn't talk about my own stuff at all, in fact I try not to and I think it's probably affecting me to do this.

We usually take turns during times of need and have been for fifteen years. But it's just been the last year Ive barely seen her. I miss her.

I don't mean to be selfish. I care about her.

She doesn't want to add to your problems maybe as isn't very good company herself. Always it can sometimes feel a big effort to get ready to meet someone if you're feeling low. I'd send a card saying something like you're not only a fairweather friend then give her a call. Seems a shame to throw all those years of friendship away.
I'd love it if one of my friends suggested a phone call! If I ring her it always seems like she's in a hurry to get off the phone and I hardly ever see her anyway as she so caught up in her own life.

Wow you’re getting a hard time here OP, and while I don’t think any of the angry posters should be euthanised because of it 😂🤨 I think it’s a bit unfair.

Shes going through something difficult and so are you, in a different way, and not so long ago those troubles would have brought you together for mutual comfort, not kept you apart. So there is a change and you understandably feel aware of it and insecure/questioning why.

Also if she’s seeing a lot of other people and hasn’t got time for you then that’s going to land, and no wonder.

Maybe you just need to give her space and wait and see or maybe you need to have that call and try to address the drift. It’s tough. Friends matter so much.

Honestly telling me she had plans all of Jan but we could have a phone call instead...I wouldn't say that to a friend who I lived close to tbh.

My close friends and I do this. We are we both close in friendship and location. I thibk yabu

She's obviously struggling a bit

Why don't you try some light contact for a while

Send her a card, few texts
Maintain the contact without any pressure to connect

Maybe she doesn't want to feel like she's emotionally dumping her shit on you, so feels more comfortable having a phone call in the interim then arranging a big catch up in a few weeks time when she's feeling more herself?

Bless you OP! I think u r reading waaaaay too much ino this!!

I often have months where I don't socialise with anyone! In fact I don't think I've been out since the summer! I hibernate all winter!! My friends are still there though!

I have one friend who I've know 15 yrs. Live in the same city, maybe 10 min drive from each other and we've not met up for two years!! Sometimes shit happens and life gets in the way!

Don't stress! It's normal to occasionally have other things which happen and stop u meeting up!

@AtrociousCircumstance thanks, your post sums up how im feeling.

I just feel not so important when she has all these great plans and can't make time. It's a very recent change.

I have acquaintances & lighter not so close friendships to just have fun with. We have lots of fun too but we have also been confidantes through the most difficult times. I'm not sure why she thinks she needs to shield me from that and not lean on me. Sounds like I need to give her the space but just remind her I'm here through good and bad.

You sound unkind

That was meant for the one that said I sounded unhinged

I'm not sure advocating for posters on this thread to be euthanized is particular normal tbhm

*particularly

That sounds a good plan op. Fingers crossed it’s just a temporary blip.

She her expressing her emotional needs is her "being a bit crap", bit your emotional needs are valid? That doesn't seem like a very balanced friendship.

I wonder if supporting you is more draining for her than you are aware (this may be why you feel refreshed after meeting) and she isn't able to offer this at the moment. That isn't unreasonable.

If you care, then the solution is to say you are sorry she is having a bad time and see how you can help, at least lifting the obligation to meet you and accept the offered call instead. No to focus on your own needs.

I think you sound quite sensitive to your own needs and a bit hurt. Be careful you don’t misread this situation. You could end up losing more than you meant.

Fair enough @Onthewholeitsgood. Obviously that's not what I want.

The health issue I'm facing is something that isn't going away for the foreseeable so I'll need to learn to cope with it. Once I've got a handle on it I feel a bit better I'll give her a call and go from there. I'll just let know I'm there in the meantime.

Well done - it’s hard when you don’t know what’s really going on in your friend’s head