Aibu? This is not helping children’s self esteem?

[HulaHoop2012]

My DD is P6 (N.Ireland) second to last year of primary school. She’s a bright kid scored in the high 80’s and 90’s for her Numeracy and Literacy in her last round of tests . She’s in a class of 34. Explaining so I don’t drip feed.

Every month the school gives out awards for Numeracy and Literacy, you get a trophy and pictures on the school comms app etc a big well done in assembly.
Its the top scoring children or seems to be the same children, not every month but they may have got the trophy at least once though each school year, almost on rotation.

My daughter and a lot of others have never got it. My daughter has now got to the point where she can’t see that’s she’s doing really well. She’s constantly trying to ‘get’ the trophy and thinking each month she’ll get it, even though I explain she has a big class and I’m sure the teacher knows how hard she works etc etc

The same with prize giving at the end of the year. Top two kids get the prizes. In high achieving classes its very difficult for any other children to get them.

Ive now got a child who doesn’t think she’s doing well at school or is judging her success on getting these awards . How do you manage this situation and these disappointments?

Two wrongs don't make a right. The person that poster should be angry with is the teacher, not the pupil.

@Keyansier not upset. All children regardless should feel valued.

@Cuppasoupmonster yep shes a good kid who thinks she’s worked really hard, she just wants a ‘well done’ apparently mums always say you are doing well.

Actually I’ve just thought of something.

They have a school council, I’ll suggest bringing it up? She could start the change

It doesn't really matter what it's for - if it's for genuine effort then it's likely to be the same kids that win it every time anyway.

I was consfused as to why you were so sympathetic to this guy but I looked on my earlier post and some have it had been cut off, i don't know why. This guy was torturous and relentless with it in my school. So he absolutely deserved everything he got, and being made to feel stupid (like he was, and most likely is) was on the smaller scale of the terror he put others through. I'm sorry if that doesn't fit into your nice and sunflowers world, but it is what it was. (It's a long time ago now).

@dittoglass but she never said she was angry with him.

Anyway, OP, I think it would be worth speaking to the class teacher again and explaining how your daughter is feeling. Maybe if they can see this is having negative consequences for some children they will reevaluate how its done. Maybe increase the trophies and doing a split of attainment and effort.

Apologies to the OP and readers of this thread, I think I've somewhat conflated it with my own personal view and experiences and it's got mixed up with the OPs which is not relatable. I'm just defending myself against my own experiences and outlook on this situation.

@Keyansier what on earth makes you think I have a nice sunflowers life?

Sorry OP I am wholeheartedly against giving prizes to the people who didn't win.

Because that's not how life works. These top performers are heading for problems later down the road - you see it all the time.

It's good for kids to lose, it's good for them to lose again and again and again and again - as long as their family view them as winners and back them. Your job is to praise the trying. Your job is tell them how bloody fantastic and brave they are and how proud you are of them for always getting back up to give something another go.

You boost their self-esteem and you comfort the tears.

The school judges the performance objectively.

Within that mix - you'll have a well rounded child equipped to cope with life.

There's nothing wrong with saying- hey buddy I'm sorry you didn't win. I know how hard you tried. Im so proud of you for always being so determined. Come on, let's get some ice cream/watch a film/ (insert whatever your comfort thing is).

I think this thread has gone a little bit too far now don't you @Keyansier @dittoglass please don't compete over who was abused the worst both your stories are terrible, but I don't think the OP wanted any of this here.

@Tothemoonandbackx I have asked MNHQ to withdraw my posts. I have reacted to a vile poster who has been horrible to me and I shouldn't have. I apologise op.

100% agree. Sorry OP @HulaHoop2012

I would go down the school council route or even a nice letter drafted to the head teacher about making clear rules for these prizes. If you don’t know the criteria how can you win?

@MNHQ please delete all the distracting posts if necessary but not the thread, because OP wants help and shouldn't have the thread deleted because I and others derailed it. Sorry.

In my kids school it’s always the same “brainy” confident kids that get the awards with the odd one thrown in for kids with SEN that maybe need a bit of support. But what about the kids that are more middle of the road with their schoolwork - do they not need some encouragement too

Hello, we've removed any posts that were PAs, goady or derails. We're now unhiding the thread and hope we can get things back on track for the OP here. Anymore concerns, hit report and we'll take a look.

I know the "prizes for everyone" thing doesn't work, but I think there is more scope for schools to reward the kids who put a lot of effort in to improving, alongside the ones who are effortlessly bright.

We can all praise and encourage our kids ourselves of course, but like @HulaHoop2012 I found after a certain point they dismiss that as "mums always/have to say that" if they don't get at least a little bit of external validation.

I agree - why not give out awards for 'effort', or 'most progress'. That's not pretending the person has won the award for being best at x thing.

Regarding 'that's not how life works' - in my experience there's often very little logic in how promotions and awards are given out in the workplace - no method with any reason to it could prepare for that. I say that as someone who has, at different times, slogged my guts out for no reward whatsoever; received recognition for no real reason; worked hard for promotions I didn't get but was once given one after a no more than a 5 minute conversation asking if I wanted the job.

Wow a lot happened overnight. Thanks for getting back on track and the apologies.

@Cassie4 yep life is full of knocks and maybe I should look at this as helping her become resilient but would help if school did the same. Thank you for an opposite view x

@PlaitBilledDuckyPuss and @NImumconfused anything would be nice for a kid that had worked hard at something and improved.

@PlaitBilledDuckyPuss your right ‘the real world’ is as confusing as school, I once got a promotion without even realising I was being considered for it 🤷‍♀️

Thank you all for your responses. None of us want our children to feel shitty about themselves at 10years old, but like many of you have said I will work on trying to shift the focus from a crappy trophy.
Id almost put money on it that she’ll get it this month!