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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I argumentative or right to explain

68 replies

Finallyseeingthelight85 · 07/02/2023 20:09

Dh and I are going through a patch of arguing alot. Stress of 2 young children, 2 busy jobs, one of which is shift work including nights, all of which means we don't get a lot of time together and end up arguing a lot.

Dh has just said that I am argumentative and always have an excuse for everything. This was after he shouted at me for not picking some clothes up off the floor that had fallen off the airer when I was moving it out of the bathroom. I explained what had happened and he turned round and said I always had an excuse for everything. (I hadn't had chance to go back and pick them up, I wasn't going to leave them there!)

Earlier he moaned at me for something else (I walked past something on the stairs that needed to go up but had my hands full so couldn't take it) and again he moaned that I always have an excuse

Should I just say nothing or am I right to explain why I haven't done something etc.

OP posts:

DashboardConfessional · 07/02/2023 20:12

I think you're both stressed and need to take a breath. The problem is, in a 2 adult household, if one leaves something undone for whatever reason then the other is likely to assume it's been left for them to do.

Ultimately though, "You have an excuse for everything" means he wants an apology and you don't have to apologise. He's not your boss!

takealettermsjones · 07/02/2023 20:14

So he wants to be able to just have a go at you when he wants to, and you have to meekly take it without saying anything in your defence? Fuck that.

mynameiscalypso · 07/02/2023 20:15

My DH is like you. I find it quite infuriating at times and that he's constantly making excuses when he could have just done whatever in the time it takes to tell me why he hasn't done something. I just want him to say 'sorry' and do it. It works both ways too.

Thatiswild · 07/02/2023 20:25

He sounds like the one who is argumentative, is he actually doing anything or just pointing out what you haven’t done? That makes a big difference.

My dh walks past things all the time but he does a LOT of other stuff all the time, it’s something I’ve learned to accept and isn’t worth me mentioning.

It sounds like the other pressures are making things niggle more than usual. Maybe just said sorry hadn’t got to that and don’t get into it, then maybe he’ll stop saying anything, or sit down and talk to him about how it’s making you feel, decide who will do what - you are not his helper.

HeddaGarbled · 07/02/2023 20:31

I don’t think you should explain yourself. I think you should tell him to stop criticising you all the time. You’re not the staff.

Original poster

Finallyseeingthelight85 · 07/02/2023 20:34

The problem is if I say sorry hadn't got to that, he'll then have a go about me leaving it, so if I don't explain/argue he'll carry on having a go, if I do explain/argue he'll carry on having a go so it's just a no win situation!

OP posts:

Botw1 · 07/02/2023 20:38

Why didn't he pick up the stuff?

Does he always act like your boss?

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 07/02/2023 20:48

Why is he always picking at you? Is he your da like.

I would take no such petty commentary from my husband, nor hand it out.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 07/02/2023 20:49

Tell him if he wants it doing to do it himself

Ponoka7 · 07/02/2023 20:57

He shouldn't be shouting or having a go, unless you are leaving stuff for him to do.

SnarkyBag · 07/02/2023 20:59

God tell him to fuck off or pick it up himself! Stop explaining yourself to him he’s being an arsehole!

Brefugee · 07/02/2023 21:00

He isn't your boss and shouldn't be telling you what to do. The kind thing would be for him to realise you just dropped them and pick them up to save you a job. etc.

Better to say nothing if he doesn't want you to tell him the wheres and whyfores

Hankunamatata · 07/02/2023 21:01

Your answer
'You know your being a dick, right?'

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2023 21:13

That's not a couple arguing. That's a man criticising a women for not doing a job to his standards, before she has even finished doing it. And then getting snarky when she points that out.

'You've always got an answer' is a pointless statement that people use when they've lost an argument. Or it's something that frustrated parents say to their teens when they're making pathetic excuses.

autienotnaughty · 07/02/2023 21:32

He's criticising you and disliking it when you defend yourself (which you shouldn't have to do)

I'd just say Please don't speak to me like that. Then ignore.

corcaithecat · 07/02/2023 21:32

Who made him the boss of you? 😡

I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like a silly child.

You need to learn to be more assertive and tell him that if he's spotted that something needs doing, he needs to step up and solve it himself.

Natty13 · 07/02/2023 22:19

"Save it for my next appraisal"

Why do you think he has the right to tell you what to do and shout at you? He doesn't. If a boss spoke to you like that constantly you'd quit...

5foot5 · 08/02/2023 00:06

corcaithecat · 07/02/2023 21:32

Who made him the boss of you? 😡

I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like a silly child.

You need to learn to be more assertive and tell him that if he's spotted that something needs doing, he needs to step up and solve it himself.

100% this

2013isback · 08/02/2023 00:27

I find it strange that his comments are phrased as you "making excuses". Sure, you dropped clothes out of the airer by accident; why not either pick them up himself or neutrally say "you've dropped something"? In the second case, it's no one's job to take things upstairs from the landing; whoever can does and it's weirdly micromanaging and overstepping for him to act like you failed to do it and therefore owe him an explanation. As it sounds like you can't win, I'd stop dancing to his tune and start saying things like "oh, right - thanks for taking care of that". Don't get drawn into his nonsense, just look blank or walk away next time he tries to pick a fight.

Itisbetter · 08/02/2023 00:45

He sounds tedious. Ask him to do something every time he prompts you to.

samqueens · 08/02/2023 01:17

There’s no point explaining anything to him. He doesn’t want an explanation he wants to have a go at you.

🚩🚩🚩 read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle app)

rubberduckiee · 08/02/2023 01:29

A lot of women get angry when the men give tons of reasons for not picking up after themselves too. While your explanations are totally valid (and he wigs out if not given one!), I think just an explanation can sound defensive. Maybe an apology, an explanation, and then a reassurance that you'll do it. I know it sounds like a lot, but good/intentional communication from both genders is really helpful in times of stress. He should be willing to do the same too though. And no one, man or woman, should be shouting about chores in general.

Wiccan · 08/02/2023 01:34

I feel so much for you OP . Going through similar cannot cope with it much apparently I'm to blame for everything , I suggested we go to counseling and the fucker has now started an argument about that as well !
I agree your DH is just looking for an excuse to have a go OP . I wish I could offer some advise but I'm at a loss .

Original poster

Finallyseeingthelight85 · 08/02/2023 06:34

Thanks everyone. There's some good suggestions on what to do going forward.

We haven't spoken since last night's argument but at least that's meant no more arguing

I just hate the environment we seem to have found ourselves in and I am fed up of being critiqued for everything. I'm pretty sure if he could he would blame me for global warming!

OP posts:

TibetanTerrah · 08/02/2023 06:40

Often the accusation that you're "argumentative" actually means "I find it really annoying you don't just shut up and do what I say".

It would drive me mad to have him jump on everything immediately. Fair enough if you left the clothes on the floor or the stuff on the stairs, if he left it an hour or two and you had walked past them again then maybe mention it, but this reads like he's nitpicking and setting you up to fail, leaping to "you haven't done xyz" before you've had a chance to actually do it yourself

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