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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I argumentative or right to explain

68 replies

Finallyseeingthelight85 · 07/02/2023 20:09

Dh and I are going through a patch of arguing alot. Stress of 2 young children, 2 busy jobs, one of which is shift work including nights, all of which means we don't get a lot of time together and end up arguing a lot.

Dh has just said that I am argumentative and always have an excuse for everything. This was after he shouted at me for not picking some clothes up off the floor that had fallen off the airer when I was moving it out of the bathroom. I explained what had happened and he turned round and said I always had an excuse for everything. (I hadn't had chance to go back and pick them up, I wasn't going to leave them there!)

Earlier he moaned at me for something else (I walked past something on the stairs that needed to go up but had my hands full so couldn't take it) and again he moaned that I always have an excuse

Should I just say nothing or am I right to explain why I haven't done something etc.

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 08/02/2023 08:03

I push back hard if I ever (occasionally) get anything like this.

bonzaitree · 08/02/2023 08:06

Hm my OH defo gets distracted mid task sometimes, or runs out of energy to complete it.

It’s really ordinary and happens to all of us, so I either help out by finishing it up, or I leave it or I say something neutral like “what’s the plan with… x?”

Are your arguments really about the housework or are they just because you’re both stressed? What’s the root of the issue? He may not think you’re pulling your weight or a messy home may be steadily for him.

Original poster

Finallyseeingthelight85 · 08/02/2023 08:15

Just to clarify a few things...

I am probably messier of the two of us but I do go back and tidy up when I've finished doing other jobs

The situation above was literally 2 minutes. I have been known to leave stuff around for longer but as it was bath night I knew they needed to be moved

Should also point out that when he works nights (which is 4 out of 5 weeks) I ask for no help. I do the washing, dishwasher, school and nursery runs, work full time, organise the food delivery while he sleeps from 730am - 8pm.

I'm not reducing my hours at work. I have asked him to look at something that is not night work as I know this doesn't help sleeping patterns and us in general but he refuses so why should i drop hours when he won't consider changing to help either.

OP posts:

BigSwingingJeremyClarkson · 08/02/2023 08:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Goldensunnydays81 · 08/02/2023 08:25

@BigSwingingJeremyClarkson why should she change her working she already does everything for the weeks that he is on nights the majority of the time and I doubt she gets 12.5hours uninterrupted sleep!

bonzaitree · 08/02/2023 08:28

Sorry he sleeps 12 hours a day but still acts grumpy…

how does he sleep for so long? Adults need about 8 hours….. is he depressed OP?

BibbleandSqwauk · 08/02/2023 08:49

Ok, I get that night shifts do all sorts of terrible things to a person's rhythm but he gets about a third more hours sleep than most adults EVERY night. It is absolutely not ok that he can then be rude and nasty to the person who is spinning all the plates, including also a full time job. There are lots of "similar" scenarios being posted on here that actually aren't that similar, where partners are leaving things half done or for hours, but if we're talking a matter of minutes he can jog on.

Botw1 · 08/02/2023 08:56

@bonzaitree

Sleeping after a night shift during is not the same as sleeping at night

Not that that is an excuse for him being an arse hole but it's not the same as 12 hours at night

AlisonDonut · 08/02/2023 09:00

If anyone told me to pick clothes up when I was in the middle of moving all the other clothes I'd tell them to pick the fuckers up themselves and bring them to the airer or to fuck off ordering me around.

You are leaving stuff whilst you do other stuff whilst he pontificates on why you cannot do 3 jobs at once and then shouting at you.

hryllilegur · 08/02/2023 09:05

It sounds like he’s talking to you like you’re his teenage daughter rather than his wife.

I would not be impressed. He’s not in charge and if HE sees clothes on the ground, he could just do the decent thing and pick them up. but he’s calling you, telling you off and then saying ‘you’ve always got an excuse for everything’.

He thinks this stuff is your job and he’s there to quality assure your work!

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/02/2023 09:08

Why the fuck do you feel you have to explain to him why you haven’t done something he wants done?

If he wants it done let him do it himself? Fuck having to apologise to him.

He sounds like an entitled arsehole who thinks you work for him. You need to read him the riot act on it.

phoenixrosehere · 08/02/2023 09:22

Finallyseeingthelight85 · 08/02/2023 08:15

Just to clarify a few things...

I am probably messier of the two of us but I do go back and tidy up when I've finished doing other jobs

The situation above was literally 2 minutes. I have been known to leave stuff around for longer but as it was bath night I knew they needed to be moved

He gets 12.5 hrs of sleep?!

In other words, he does nothing but sleep and eat? Doesn’t do anything with his children nor does anything to tidy the place he lives or helps with the bits involved taking care of children ?

Does he spend time with you and the children when he is off?

What does he do other than sleep, eat, and complain when he is at home?

hryllilegur · 08/02/2023 09:39

when does he even see his children?

You are doing everything and he’s nitpicking and nagging you.

It sounds like he needs to look at making changes to his employment so that it’s compatible with family life. And also to sort out his attitude.

Dotjones · 08/02/2023 10:08

It's a good idea to pause before you respond and make sure you're not offering excuses. Excuses are a way of saying you're not responsible for a situation. Try turning it on him and when he says "why is this on the floor" diffuse the situation by saying "because you haven't picked it up yet", that kind of thing. Generally it's easy to think you're not making excuses when you are but if you turn the tables on the person accusing you they either have to make an excuse (therefore they can't blame you for making one) or accepting the blame themselves (therefore you don't need to make one).

Wiccan · 08/02/2023 10:15

My DH has worked nights for 25 years and my whole household and life revolves around it , it litterly takes over everything even our dog is trained not to go into our bedroom in the day time. It's not fair to use night work as an excuse to treat someone like shit . my DH definatly could sleep for Britain where as I usually get by on 5 hours. Life becomes very one-sided and you feel like you no longer have a voice .
I would definitely ignore him when he's bitching and blaming .

EllieM27 · 08/02/2023 16:20

Oh I’m sorry but he can absolutely get to fuck with that sleeping 12.5 hours nonsense. Of course he doesn’t want to change to more reasonable work OP. He gets to avoid responsibility by working at night and then sleeping all day while you do everything, and then bark at you for not doing it fast enough!

I think I’d be shutting him down pretty hard whenever he tried this. Wanker.

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/02/2023 20:40

This was after he shouted at me for not picking some clothes up off the floor that had fallen off the airer when I was moving it out of the bathroom. I explained what had happened and he turned round and said I always had an excuse for everything.

So weird. Every time a woman shares a negative story about her partner he's shouting and she's seemingly calmly addressing the situation

FictionalCharacter · 08/02/2023 20:54

He shouted at you because some clothes fell off the airer and you didn’t pick them up quickly enough? Then he said you were making excuses? Why does he have the right to talk to you like that?
If I dropped some clothes on the floor and DH saw them, he’d pick them up. If DH dropped some clothes and I saw them, I’d pick them up. Neither of us would feel the need for scolding, shouting or mentioning it at all. None of this “ah but if the sexes were reversed” nonsense. Quite a normal way to live. Your DH doesn’t want to be like that, he wants to give you orders which you must not question.

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