Am I argumentative or right to explain

[Finallyseeingthelight85]

Dh and I are going through a patch of arguing alot. Stress of 2 young children, 2 busy jobs, one of which is shift work including nights, all of which means we don't get a lot of time together and end up arguing a lot.

Dh has just said that I am argumentative and always have an excuse for everything. This was after he shouted at me for not picking some clothes up off the floor that had fallen off the airer when I was moving it out of the bathroom. I explained what had happened and he turned round and said I always had an excuse for everything. (I hadn't had chance to go back and pick them up, I wasn't going to leave them there!)

Earlier he moaned at me for something else (I walked past something on the stairs that needed to go up but had my hands full so couldn't take it) and again he moaned that I always have an excuse

Should I just say nothing or am I right to explain why I haven't done something etc.

@mynameiscalypso did you read the actual details of her examples? She didn't just leave stuff because she couldn't be bothered. She was jumped on before she'd had time to actually finish the task. In any reasonable household, the other person, who is near enough to see the dropped clothes and things on the stairs that are too much to carry would grab them themselves. That is NOT the same as someone just blithely ignoring mess.

OP I agree you are in the trenches right now. Lots of work, night shifts and young children are not a good mix. If you can find some time at the weekend to sit and chat with your DH and address the general atmosphere, rather than specific things he is doing it might help. He's absolutely in the wrong to act like your boss but if the goal is to move forward and improve things you both need to look at the whole set up and see what adjustments can be made to make life more bearable. It's very easy to get bogged down in the minutiae and forget the bigger picture of what you're trying to achieve, IE a happy family life. A bit more mess or dust for these few years is not the end of the world, and maybe he needs to see that too.

My OH can be like this... Moreso when tired or stressed...

I have been known to throw myself to the floor yelling... Oh my it's ALL my fault.... Dinosaurs being extinct/the bubonic plague, the nuclear threat.... Allllll my fault...

Usually he laughs...

If he doesn't i do tell him to not be an arse... And he's not my boss... And he cab sodding well diy...

I agree with a pp - ignore what he's saying (because it's crap and because whether you apologise or explain he just keeps kicking off). Instead focus on the discourtesy. "Do not raise your voice to me". "Do not speak to me in that scolding way, I'm not your child". "I'll answer your question when you show me common courtesy".

I think just an explanation can sound defensive. Maybe an apology, an explanation, and then a reassurance that you'll do it.

Why should she apologise when she is in the middle of a task and he hasn’t even given her a chance to finish it? That is admitting fault when there isn’t any.He could simply let her finish or actually assist her instead of complaining.

Maybe an apology, an explanation, and then a reassurance that you'll do it.

well, she doesn't need to apologise for starters. Her explanations (she wasn't finished, she had her hands full) are called excuses.

As for reassurance she'll do it? Get outta here. He could do it, he could STFU or he could be helpful and not be a dick. Who died and made him King of Everything?

What exactly was he doing whilst you were doing these jobs? He could have done it.

Yes, when you are tired you get irritable but if he's doing it all the time then he's a dick. You don't have to take his criticism and you should sit him down and tell him how he's making you feel not picking constantly.

Give him zero response, like you can't hear him, he's the one causing the arguments but he's in a bad headspace so just blaming you.

Although I do like PPs suggestion 'save it for my next appraisal' 😬

Point out to him what he's doing, warn him you won't put up with it any more, then every time he does it say "great, thanks for taking care of it" and walk off. If that still doesn't work start doing it back to him. He is being very unreasonable

My partner can be like this - it's irritating as fuck! I've found the best way to deal with it is to point it out to him calmly, but bluntly. He then totally disagrees (irony) but I find it makes him rein it in for a while because he starts to check himself! The trick is to not lose your temper and argue while you do it, even though he's likely to try to start one - when he says "no I don't do that" just come back with a response that doesn't even acknowledge it, like "I work for my employer, no one else, and I don't need to feel under constant pressure at home too. So whatever you think is happening, I do not expect to have to keep stopping mid task and explaining myself, nor will I keep doing it".

Depending upon outcome it may be worth an unofficial rota of some kind - I told mine that if something being completed earlier or in a particular way bothered him that much then he could do that task and I would do something else instead, so we've ended up divvying up most things. And I do less because I whinge less 😂

@BigSwingingJeremyClarkson or he could since he's the one obviously not able to work full time and not be a prick to his wife.

@BigSwingingJeremyClarkson

Your answer to her oh being a prick is for her to reduce her hours at work?

Presumably so she can do all the housework?

Fuck that

Maybe he should cut back moaning and being bossy?

Are you exactly coming back straight after to pick the stuff up OP, or picking it up 3 hours later ? I ask because this is DH and we have the same conversations

Eg, DH goes upstairs with the washing, drops some or it didn’t all fit in the basket, starts having a shower/plugging in all the laptops to charge (untangling the cables etc). I walk past the dropped stuff multiple times/the overflowing stuff is still waiting to be collected from downstairs hours later etc. I ask ‘are you moving this stuff’ DH says ‘I’m doing it’

Except that it’s hours later by the time I ask, having given him ample time to just finish one job. I will be doing many jobs in between hence why I am not picking his job up, he gets distracted rather than finishing one job fully.

i might be projecting a bit here OP 😆

@phoenixrosehere @Brefugee Maybe "apology" was the wrong word, as some people seem so opposed to it. I find just a simple validation of the other person's frustration – which is rarely about that isolated incident, but is usually about a situation that has been boiling over a while – can help. Just something to mean "Yes, I hear your frustration, I can understand why you're annoyed and overwhelmed with the house being a total shitshow now, I've left a mess because I've had other things on my plate, but it will get sorted".

In my case we both chip in equally with the house though – if anything DH much, much more than me – so this is the assumption that my advice is based on.

That's brilliant 🤣

Maybe "apology" was the wrong word, as some people seem so opposed to it.

why should she "apologise" though. The OP said she was in the process of moving the airer when some things fell off and he started bugging her about it. Whereas a normal person would pick them up and helpfully take them over. Or say "did you notice" and then maybe also pick them up. Or let her get on with doing what she's doing?

If there are things on the stairs and she has her hands full what do you expect her to do? suck them up with the power of her vagina or something?

You are being sadly full of excuses for an irritating bossy man over a woman who is doing something. Have a think about why that is.

Why is he the foreman who gets to nitpick how the lowly workers are doing their job? Is he going to put you on a PIP or something?

DH was a bit like you when we first lived together. It's used to drive me mad.
I'm not sure how you haven't had chance to pick the clothes up off the floor, you moved the rack, they fell. Surely you pick them straight up before you carry on with anything else. Why would you leave clothes on the floor?
How often do you walk past things to be taken upstairs? DH would say oh I was carrying x or I was just using the toilet, yes but you have two hands and five minutes later I was carrying a full basket of laundry , put it down put the item to go upstairs on top and carried on.
It definitely can feel like the other person isn't bothering because they know you'll do it, which feels like they don't value your time.
I'm surprised by the responses as when female posters say their male partners are doing similar to you, they are told the men are strategically incompetent or see the jobs as women's work

All these people saying he's not your boss, as though it would be ok for your boss to treat you this way, you need new jobs!

My DH and I have an unspoken rule that we don't have a go at each other about housework, and it mostly works out (we have both been known to gripe if the dishwasher isn't emptied). I think the reason we don't is because we don't sweat the small stuff. Is there a reason your DH thinks you aren't pulling your weight? That sounds like the real issue? Does he resent you working ft?

why should she "apologise" though. The OP said she was in the process of moving the airer when some things fell off and he started bugging her about it. Whereas a normal person would pick them up and helpfully take them over. Or say "did you notice" and then maybe also pick them up. Or let her get on with doing what she's doing?

This. He notices and berates her, yet doesn’t think to help her or ask if she would like help?

@Brefugee You are being sadly full of excuses for an irritating bossy man over a woman who is doing something. Have a think about why that is.

Ooh, lovely and condescending 😂 I've had a think on the naughty step and have opened my eyes to your wise ways of the world!

I actually think you only feel so strongly about this because of the genders involved. Can't imagine you'd have quite the same vitriol if the genders were reversed.

I (a woman) tend to make a bigger mess when doing chores, and leave things lying around for ages when I say I'll pick them up. DH picks up after me, but sometimes gets annoyed, especially when he's busy doing his own chores as well.

Even if she isn't messy, it may just be the case of them both being snowed under with work and chores, and both being extra snippy – that's where good communication comes in.

That said, maybe the most extreme scenario applies, and they're just a dysfunctional marriage with a bullied wife and verbally abusive husband, in which case there are plenty of other comments to advise her!

No need to get so angry that some people have functional marriages! Otherwise, we could just build a bot to replace all comments with "LTB" and call it a day :)

@Brefugee Whereas a normal person would pick them up and helpfully take them over. Or say "did you notice" and then maybe also pick them up. Or let her get on with doing what she's doing?

By the way, of course I agree this would be the normal thing to do! However, I assume OP provided context about how overwhelmed, stressed and sleep deprived both are (I also assume it's the husband working night shifts, as realistically posts are usually framed in favour of the OP, so would specify if OP were the night shift worker) for a reason.

I agree, no excuse to shout though. I give the other person some leeway for losing their temper, and will try to productively communicate in the meantime. If that doesn't work, then I cut them off – but I do try to give my loved ones the benefit of the doubt by attempting good communication first. As I said, a lot of women get angry when their husbands (are seen to) give tons of excuses for making a bigger mess when doing something.

Well let's reverse this.

Man doing washing, leaves a trail of clothes behind as he moves the airer. Leaving aside the mystery of why tf he was moving a full airer..

Does he do this regularly (leave a trail of mess) and expect the woman to clean up after him?

Does he have a history of weaponised incompotence?

If yes then the woman is justified in kicking off.

But, if it was a one-off, then the woman IBU because in the time it took to kick off, she could have simply picked them up, given them to him and said "you dropped these dear".

OP it sounds like you're both exhausted and trying to keep things running. But overtired, stressed, it's all too easy to take the frustration out on our partners. If you still love him and want to make the marriage work, it's time to be sitting down and saying this isn't working, we are both tired and snappy, how can we make life easier for ourselves? Look at reducing the domestic load (does everything need washing so frequently?), decluttering (make space for the airer upstairs so it's not blocking the bathroom?), getting ready meals in, working fewer hours the next few weeks, increasing the kids childcare hours, taking some annual leave etc.

It's much easier to get the marriage back on track the sooner you get the interventions going. Don't wait until you hate each other. Take control.

You might be more effective to ignore him
If he shouts at you or bosses you around, ignore and go about doing what you were doing until you've finished that

If he doesn't want you to explain, sees that as argumentative, then simply ignore him. He needs to stop interrupting you. He can talk to you later when you're not busy in the middle of something.