Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid jobs?

92 replies

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 07/02/2023 19:28

Hi
I am due to be a bridesmaid in the summer.

i have been contacted by the bride to say she feels I have not been supportive enough or involved enough, nor helped her enough so she’s reconsidering whether it’s fair for her to have a bridesmaid who isn’t interested.

she said I had been distant on the hen do. I probably was a bit, at times. One of my work colleagues who I managed just died, he just went home and died, and it’s been very difficult, so I’m under a lot of strain at the moment. Plus I’m the only married one with kids who went on the hen do, and I don’t have much in common with 20 something uni students so I felt a bit odd one out. I admit I could have been bubblier.

bride has said I didn’t message her straight back about trying on my dress. I had messaged her on the Friday, she didn’t get back to me until the Monday, by which point I had travelled overseas with work. I don’t have much time when on business trips, so I didn’t respond to that until I saw her when I got home.

anyway- back to the not doing enough bit. I was asked to provide photographer and DJ recommendations, which I did on the same day as I did some research around local friends. She didn’t reply to my recommendations at all, or acknowledge them.

I have only been a bridesmaid once before, and I wanted to ask MN if I have fucked up here? What jobs, in the months before the wedding, do you think a bridesmaid should be doing? Should I have asked what else she wanted? I assumed she would ask me if she needed something (as indeed she did, and I responded and did the thing).

I will say, that for me, weddings are difficult, I planned mine in 6 weeks, to try and get married before my parent died. In the end, parent died the day after my wedding, having gone into a coma the day before. So when the bride keeps asking me how it felt to be married in the first few weeks, and how long it took to get used to the name change, I was vague and said “I can’t remember/not long”. Maybe that sounded disinterested, but in all honesty I thought vague was less of a mood killer than “well actually I was planning a funeral, and ringing a priest for the last rights, so I wasn’t really that bothered”. Perhaps I should have been honest. And yes, bride knows about my parent- we were friends back then, though actually
at my wedding she did leave early before the meal as she said she felt poorly.

so, what would you expect to do as a bridesmaid? As a bride, what did you expect of your bridesmaids? I want to measure how unreasonable I have been in being happy for her, but not actually helping organise her wedding.

OP posts:
CassieMc · 07/02/2023 19:33

It sounds like she's being unreasonable and a bit of a brat to be honest.

Honeysuckleinbloom · 07/02/2023 19:38

Sorry to hear about your parent OP, no wonder weddings are difficult for you. Flowers

In my experience of both having and being a bridesmaid, the job includes agreeing on a dress, walking down the aisle, smiling for photos and providing some general encouragement around the plans. I haven't heard of bridesmaids researching DJs and photographers! Some of my bridesmaids wanted to help me look into decor, food etc but that was their choice and I definitely didn't expect anyone but DH and me to actually put the hours in.

It sounds like your friend may have different expectations however and it would be worth clarifying what those are. She might have slightly 'instagrammy' expectations of you living and breathing weddings with her and might interpret your (totally normal!) level of involvement as a lack of enthusiasm. Hopefully if you're both good friends, a simple chat should solve this!

CassieMc · 07/02/2023 19:38

If I was in your shoes I would pull out of being a bridesmaid. Sounds a bit stuck up and full of herself. I don't know but I don't like the sound of your friend.

itsnote · 07/02/2023 19:41

Fucking hell, what an insensitive so called friend you have. You've had a lucky escape here. Just reply, ok, if that's how you feel 👍

She is a dickhead.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 07/02/2023 19:45

The jobs of my bridesmaids were to turn up, wear whatever shoes they were comfortable in, wear the dresses that I provided that fit, wear their hair down (straight/curly whatever they wanted) and wear the hairband I gave them.
Ah and also come to the hen do which was local and affordable!

Your friend sounds like a brat!

DashboardConfessional · 07/02/2023 19:46

I don't know where these brides that pop up on MN get off, thinking BMs are free wedding planners. I chose a band, photographer, florist etc with the help of my (retired!) Mum.

On my friend's wedding day I showed up at 6am, helped her get ready, sorted a buttonhole kerfuffle, signed the register and held her stuff. Prior to that I chauffered her to the hen do, went to said hen do and helped cook/organise. That's it.

Honeysuckleinbloom · 07/02/2023 19:48

I would also add, I think weddings can bring out a lot of insecurities / worries in otherwise reasonable people. You know your friend - if she is generally hard work perhaps stepping back would be a good idea. If this is out of character, maybe she is just genuinely overwhelmed with decisions or has unrealistic expectations about how interested bridesmaids should be and is hurt that the reality does not live up to this. In this case, a conversation is needed asap to remind her that you have your own life and commitments. I also missed that she was aware of your parent - you shouldn't feel afraid to mention this and to consider whether being bridesmaid is something you feel up to doing or not. A good friend would want you there on the day in whatever way was comfortable for you and would not expect you to engage in conversations or activities that will bring up upsetting memories for you.

DPotter · 07/02/2023 19:49

The only brides I have ever known to expect their bridesmaids to help with actually organising their wedding (eg finding a DJ & a photographer) have been on MN and the bridesmaid is told by most people to back off smartish. That's the job of the bride and groom. She's treating you like 'staff' rather than friends and expecting you to be her wedding planner. No good can come from this

A friend of mine is a wedding photographer and she would not be taking a booking from a bridesmaid. She meets with bride & groom before even taking the firm booking. I don't think she's unusual in this.

Nothing wrong with a bride asking if anyone knows of a good DJ / photographer (other wedding service providers too), but not to expect a bridesmaid to find / draw up a short list or whatever .

Step away now, whilst you still have a friendship. You could always say being this clos to arranging a wedding is bringing back sad memories of your parent.

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 19:53

Take it as a win and say you understand and absolutely no problem.

What a complete and utter PITA.

I honestly don't know why anyone says yes to it.

My bridesmaids did absolutely NOTHING on the day bar a few photos, and had nothing whatsoever to do with my wedding planning...such as it was back then....we were SO chilled.

OP, do not feel bad, take it as a real win.

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 19:55

Oh and I can only imagine the upset attached to yours onnthe death of a parent. So sorry.

flannelonthesink · 07/02/2023 20:01

Does she want a bridesmaid or a free wedding planner?! She's most likely so wrapped up in her own excitement that she doesn't realise no one else cares quite as much as she does about her upcoming nuptials. Cant see past the end of her own nose. Head up her arse, etc. To me you sound fine but if that's how she feels her expectations are too high and I'd respectfully bow out (from someone who's been a bridesmaid 3 times in 6 years and is married myself).

Original poster
ChannelyourinnerElsa · 07/02/2023 20:06

Thanks all. She has removed me as a bridesmaid, so I will need to send back the shoes and headwear I bought that she wanted me to wear back.

she still wants my 8 year old as part of the wedding party, but I don’t know how that works if I’m not allowed to be part of it. She wants my child there 5 hours before the ceremony, which was fine when I could be there too, but I can’t do that expect someone else in the bridal party to care for my kid, nor do I want to be there in the room but not allowed to participate anymore.

I got to the bottom of the problem. The other (childless and not in the position with general life I am) bridesmaids have been messaging every few days to see how it’s going, and I haven’t. Which is true, I haven’t.

I cried, and hung up. So that was mature of me, wasn’t it? Fuck.

im
glad to hear that my expectations of involvement were not a million miles off though, thanks all. I will write an apology card to her, and organise the logistics of my kid being involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChannelyourinnerElsa · 07/02/2023 20:07

Honeysuckleinbloom · 07/02/2023 19:38

Sorry to hear about your parent OP, no wonder weddings are difficult for you. Flowers

In my experience of both having and being a bridesmaid, the job includes agreeing on a dress, walking down the aisle, smiling for photos and providing some general encouragement around the plans. I haven't heard of bridesmaids researching DJs and photographers! Some of my bridesmaids wanted to help me look into decor, food etc but that was their choice and I definitely didn't expect anyone but DH and me to actually put the hours in.

It sounds like your friend may have different expectations however and it would be worth clarifying what those are. She might have slightly 'instagrammy' expectations of you living and breathing weddings with her and might interpret your (totally normal!) level of involvement as a lack of enthusiasm. Hopefully if you're both good friends, a simple chat should solve this!

We have been friends nearly 20 years. I haven’t been excited enough about the planning, it’s true. I tried to chat with her tonight, but she’s made her mind up and doesn’t want me.

OP posts:
SalviaOfficinalis · 07/02/2023 20:11

Is she expecting you to beg and plead to be kept as a bridesmaid?

I would say something like - Good idea, I think it’s best for me not to be a bridesmaid. As you know I find weddings difficult as my parent passed away, and I’ve had a difficult time recently, so I’m not able to do the amount of work you’re expecting.

Cakecakecheese · 07/02/2023 20:14

Her expectations are ridiculous. You're were bridesmaid not her PA.

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 20:14

I'd tell her that given how little regard she has for you, your mental health and your wellbeing, you want nothing more to do with the wedding and that your daughter will not be attending.

She sounds like an absolute bridezilla. What adult woman wants people asking how the planning is going every 3 days?! That's insane.

MrsPriceAndHerJamTarts · 07/02/2023 20:15

She sounds ridiculous! Please don't write her an apology card! And if I were you, I wouldn't be facilitating my child being in the wedding party in these circumstances either.

Is she a very good friend? Is she used to getting her way? She doesn't sound like she's been/is being a very good friend at the moment! What a horrible way to treat someone over one day. "you haven't been excited enough" I mean honestly Hmm

Sussexlass84 · 07/02/2023 20:18

Eurgh...I voted wrong. YANBU!!!

Sussexlass84 · 07/02/2023 20:21

Agree with other posters...jobs like finding DJs and florists is for the Bride and Groom NOT the bridesmaids.

I'm sorry she's treated you so badly...and then the extra kick of still wanting your daughter involved? That's really unkind. I'm not sure I'd be facilitating that after he behaviour.

callmesophia · 07/02/2023 20:21

She sounds like an absolute twat and I wouldn't hesitate to tell her this. Cut her out completely.

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 20:24

Honestly OP, I would just say your child isn't available as a prop.

She sounds utterly ghastly and I would just leave it completely.

The drama and stress of having your child still involved is really not worth it.

So sorry for your upset.

SalviaOfficinalis · 07/02/2023 20:24

Sorry I didn’t see your last update before I posted.

Definitely don’t send an apology card! And don’t let your DD be involved… that’s so weird, it’s like she wants to rub your face in the fact that you’re not a bridesmaid by making you see everyone else getting ready etc so you can see what you’re missing out on.

Blueberrywitch · 07/02/2023 20:25

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable OP. She has treated you horrendously here. My bridesmaids simply needed to choose their dress which I paid for and organised a hens brunch. As a bridesmaid myself I have attended a hens party (which I didn’t even organise as live abroad) and then attend the wedding and be in photos! We had a bride and bridesmaids WhatsApp where the bride would post updates to all of us at once.

please don’t send her an apology card! Only let your daughter do it if it’s something she would enjoy.

redundantsoon · 07/02/2023 20:26

Fuck it. Count yourself lucky you’ve been demoted. Don’t bother going to the wedding and certainly don’t let your DD be involved in the wedding either.

i honestly despair at these bridezilla threads.

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 20:27

No card and just withdraw fully, your daughter too.

No way would Inbe facilitating her.

She is a petulant spoiled brat and should be ashamed of herself but probably has no shame.