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Original poster

Bridesmaid jobs?

92 replies

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 07/02/2023 19:28

Hi
I am due to be a bridesmaid in the summer.

i have been contacted by the bride to say she feels I have not been supportive enough or involved enough, nor helped her enough so she’s reconsidering whether it’s fair for her to have a bridesmaid who isn’t interested.

she said I had been distant on the hen do. I probably was a bit, at times. One of my work colleagues who I managed just died, he just went home and died, and it’s been very difficult, so I’m under a lot of strain at the moment. Plus I’m the only married one with kids who went on the hen do, and I don’t have much in common with 20 something uni students so I felt a bit odd one out. I admit I could have been bubblier.

bride has said I didn’t message her straight back about trying on my dress. I had messaged her on the Friday, she didn’t get back to me until the Monday, by which point I had travelled overseas with work. I don’t have much time when on business trips, so I didn’t respond to that until I saw her when I got home.

anyway- back to the not doing enough bit. I was asked to provide photographer and DJ recommendations, which I did on the same day as I did some research around local friends. She didn’t reply to my recommendations at all, or acknowledge them.

I have only been a bridesmaid once before, and I wanted to ask MN if I have fucked up here? What jobs, in the months before the wedding, do you think a bridesmaid should be doing? Should I have asked what else she wanted? I assumed she would ask me if she needed something (as indeed she did, and I responded and did the thing).

I will say, that for me, weddings are difficult, I planned mine in 6 weeks, to try and get married before my parent died. In the end, parent died the day after my wedding, having gone into a coma the day before. So when the bride keeps asking me how it felt to be married in the first few weeks, and how long it took to get used to the name change, I was vague and said “I can’t remember/not long”. Maybe that sounded disinterested, but in all honesty I thought vague was less of a mood killer than “well actually I was planning a funeral, and ringing a priest for the last rights, so I wasn’t really that bothered”. Perhaps I should have been honest. And yes, bride knows about my parent- we were friends back then, though actually
at my wedding she did leave early before the meal as she said she felt poorly.

so, what would you expect to do as a bridesmaid? As a bride, what did you expect of your bridesmaids? I want to measure how unreasonable I have been in being happy for her, but not actually helping organise her wedding.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2023 20:27

Is this typical behaviour or has she gone all bridezilla?

Honestly I'm embarrassed for her. Bridesmaids are meant to get ready with you, maybe give you a bit of help if you are doing DIY stuff, help plan a hen, but most of all they are supposed to be there to celebrate with their best mate (or family member) getting married. As exciting as a wedding is, it is one of a large number of significant life events that people have and people have their own shit going on, weddings are not the be all and end all. Its completely and utterly unreasonable to expect other people to be consistently and demonstrably excited for extended periods of time, while providing excessive levels of help (providing photographer recommendations is a huge responsibility and the kind of job a wedding planner would do) and then complain that 'they aren't excited enough'.

You've been friends for 20 years, well she should know how shit things were for you around the time of your wedding and stop asking triggering questions. She should know better than to sack you off because you 'don't reply quickly enough' while you're on a work trip.

Find your anger OP, you've done nothing wrong, she (who couldn't even stick around for the whole event at your wedding) has. How dare she treat you like this. And no way I'd be putting myself out for her to have your daughter there 5 hours before, your daughter will be going bonkers sitting watching people get hair and make up done for all that time. Unless she is especially close to your daughter independently of your relationship and your daughter would be gutted if you cancelled then I would pull her out of the whole charade as well

Original poster
ChannelyourinnerElsa · 07/02/2023 20:28

My daughter is so keen, and because of covid they couldn’t go to the last wedding they were supposed to be a part of.

I have messaged to say I will discuss logistics with her, and to say I’m sorry I didn’t check in enough: I am sorry. She’s an old friend, and whilst I do recognise you are all correct, I should be angry, and I’d be saying the same to someone else, the reality is I am not angry. I am heartbroken.

OP posts:
Judgyjudgy · 07/02/2023 20:32

I didn't get my bridesmaid to do anything, except be there when I needed a rant about something (but I'm a super organised control freak) everyone is different and I don't think it's necessarily relevant what others do. I think she's given you an out and you should take it. She sounds like she might be quite high maintenance so I'd get out early while your friendship is still intact.

Emmamoo89 · 07/02/2023 20:34

Pull out. She's an arsehole

somoslagente · 07/02/2023 20:35

the bride is a bit self absorbed and has forgotten that you have a life and a job outside of her wedding

Original poster
ChannelyourinnerElsa · 07/02/2023 20:35

I think this is out of character. My husband and siblings don’t think it’s that unexpected really. Interesting that. They have all known bride 20 years too.

the main gripe is definitely that I didn’t ask her enough about it and didn’t message her enough.

I just feel like life is crashing around my ears. Last year was a terrible year for me, redundancy, a friend committed suicide, my colleague died, I was diagnosed with a life long autoimmune disease, I discovered the reason I lost three babies in second trimester was because of said autoimmune disease that the NHS never even considered testing for. I lost another friend because my brain fog meant I made a mistake, but she wouldn’t accept my apology and that I fixed the mistake completely. We were burgled, my daughter was accused of bullying (unfounded, the school
investigated, the parents of the alleged victim didn’t accept the school’s investigation, it was escalated to the LA, they also found no issue), my dog died, my horse died. And now I can’t be a bridesmaid. I’ve lost two dress sizes for that wedding!! Still, that’s a good thing. Healthier now :)

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 07/02/2023 20:35

My bridesmaids were expected to do absolutely nothing except show up on time. I don't understand why people think bridesmaids need "jobs". YANBU.

JenniferBarkley · 07/02/2023 20:35

That's so sad OP.

But remind yourself, she's let you down here, not the other way round. You've nothing to feel bad about. Maybe take a breather and see how things are after the wedding.

I would explicitly remind her that weddings are tough for you though. Flowers

SarahAndQuack · 07/02/2023 20:36

Oh, love. I think she was very unkind and, TBH, a bit daft. When I got married my bridesmaids turned up on the day and held my dress. It'd be lovely to have someone who'd also come to a dress try-on or perhaps chat about the odd detail, but she was expecting far too much!

JenniferBarkley · 07/02/2023 20:37

Fucking hell. How are you still standing?

Hmmmm2018 · 07/02/2023 20:37

Bridesmaids just need turn up in a posh frock and keep the bride calm on the morning and maybe plan the hen party. My bridesmaids did nothing more than that as far as I recall!! Sounds like friend has lost perspective which is easily done with these things. Hopefully she will recall what you have been through and see some sense.

Judgyjudgy · 07/02/2023 20:38

Sorry I somehow missed your posts! This sounds good, I actually like the idea of the card. It's not necessary but it is nice if you think you could've done more (if she's being nice about it). I actually think it's good she's raised it rather than secretly seething and getting upset at you, and vice versa. I think you've both handled it well

GeekyThings · 07/02/2023 20:42

You need to stop sending apologies to her, she's been unreasonable, not you! And no way would I let my child be part of the wedding party - your daughter is excited about it right now, but you could plan to do something else on the day that's just as exciting, and probably more fun (kids usually don't enjoy the 5 hours waiting around part). She won't care, and you won't have to deal with your waste of space bridezilla not-friend.

Send a message telling her neither of you will be attending the wedding, and you hope she has a nice day. Then block her - she's dragging you down, and it sounds like you don't need someone like that in your life right now.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 07/02/2023 20:46

Op, I would message her with everything that you have said here!

'I just feel like life is crashing around my ears. Last year was a terrible year for me, redundancy, a friend committed suicide, my colleague died, I was diagnosed with a life long autoimmune disease, I discovered the reason I lost three babies in second trimester was because of said autoimmune disease that the NHS never even considered testing for. I lost another friend because my brain fog meant I made a mistake, but she wouldn’t accept my apology and that I fixed the mistake completely. We were burgled, my daughter was accused of bullying (unfounded, the school
investigated, the parents of the alleged victim didn’t accept the school’s investigation, it was escalated to the LA, they also found no issue), my dog died, my horse died. And now I can’t be a bridesmaid'

Sorry I haven't messaged you about the wedding enough but I've had ALL this shit going on!

BlueLabel · 07/02/2023 20:47

Oh hell no, don't apologise and don't explain yourself. Wedding or not expecting you to be doing anything other than holding yourself together over the last year is toxic as fuck.

I'd step away from her for now to get a bit of perspective, build yourself back up and then you can decide if she's worthy of your friendship after this.

redundantsoon · 07/02/2023 20:54

You’ve had an awful year, sounds horrendous.

However, maybe this friendship has just run it’s course…it happens. I think its easy to buy into the idea of ‘best friends forever’ and hold onto them out a sense of misplaced loyalty but if those friends don’t treat you with respect then seriously what is the point of it?

Hazey19 · 07/02/2023 20:58

I’ve been bridesmaid a couple of times and the most I did was help arrange the hen do. I think your friend sounds like a spoilt selfish brat I’m afraid. Not much of a friend xxx

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2023 21:01

Oh OP you have had a horrendous year! Can you imagine a friend going through all that shit and you turn round and demote them in a social event because they can't drum up the required level of excitement for a party? I'm sure you wouldn't do that, because you're not a self centred twunt. Was she really sympathetic to these actually serious things that happened in your life this last year? If not then its you that should be dropping her for 'not checking in enough and displaying the expected levels of sympathy and support'

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2023 21:01

And not 'proactively asking what she could do to help you' when you needed her

ShillyShallySherbet · 07/02/2023 21:04

As a bridesmaid I went for a dress fitting and then turned up on the day and wore the dress. Helped organise the hen do. No way should you be involved in organising the actual wedding. It would be nice to help her to the bathroom if needed on the day and ask her a few times if there’s anything she’d like you to do like get her a drink. That’s about it really. So YANBU

gelatogina · 07/02/2023 21:05

This is awful, she has treated you terribly! Please take care of yourself OP and do not apologise because you have done nothing wrong at all.

GimmeBiscuits · 07/02/2023 21:06

When I got married, I expected my bridesmaids to be there on the day and help me with getting dressed (if needed), then to mingle and enjoy themselves once we'd done with photos.
DH & I organised photographer, venue, music etc. because it was for me and DH to do as it was our wedding.

Bride to be sounds very insensitive given that she must have known about your own experience and loss.

Notallaboutthemoney · 07/02/2023 21:07

I had absolutely no expectations with my bridesmaids and I have never been given any ‘jobs’ when I was a bridesmaid x3 !
They just came to dress fitting,tried on shoes and got very pissed with me on my hen night .They all stayed overnight before wedding and we all just rocked up at the church on my wedding day 🤷‍♀️

Honeysuckleinbloom · 07/02/2023 21:14

Oh OP it sounds really upsetting, I'd be really hurt in your shoes. Are you able to let the dust settle and then meet face to face to try and salvage the friendship if you want to? She's behaved really badly but I wonder if she's just become completely wrapped up in her wedding, has been oblivious to all that you've been through and has now blown a difference in bridesmaid expectations out of proportion. Of course, those are not the actions of a good friend but if this is a blip in 20 years of otherwise good friendship I think at least meeting up and trying to make sense out of it would be worthwhile if that is what you want to do. Definitely don't send apologies though, she should be apologising to you (and hopefully will look back and be mortified at her actions!)

ThreeTrebles · 07/02/2023 21:17

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 07/02/2023 20:35

I think this is out of character. My husband and siblings don’t think it’s that unexpected really. Interesting that. They have all known bride 20 years too.

the main gripe is definitely that I didn’t ask her enough about it and didn’t message her enough.

I just feel like life is crashing around my ears. Last year was a terrible year for me, redundancy, a friend committed suicide, my colleague died, I was diagnosed with a life long autoimmune disease, I discovered the reason I lost three babies in second trimester was because of said autoimmune disease that the NHS never even considered testing for. I lost another friend because my brain fog meant I made a mistake, but she wouldn’t accept my apology and that I fixed the mistake completely. We were burgled, my daughter was accused of bullying (unfounded, the school
investigated, the parents of the alleged victim didn’t accept the school’s investigation, it was escalated to the LA, they also found no issue), my dog died, my horse died. And now I can’t be a bridesmaid. I’ve lost two dress sizes for that wedding!! Still, that’s a good thing. Healthier now :)

You poor thing. How supportive was your friend when you were going through all this?

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