Bridesmaid jobs?

[ChannelyourinnerElsa]

Hi
I am due to be a bridesmaid in the summer.

i have been contacted by the bride to say she feels I have not been supportive enough or involved enough, nor helped her enough so she’s reconsidering whether it’s fair for her to have a bridesmaid who isn’t interested.

she said I had been distant on the hen do. I probably was a bit, at times. One of my work colleagues who I managed just died, he just went home and died, and it’s been very difficult, so I’m under a lot of strain at the moment. Plus I’m the only married one with kids who went on the hen do, and I don’t have much in common with 20 something uni students so I felt a bit odd one out. I admit I could have been bubblier.

bride has said I didn’t message her straight back about trying on my dress. I had messaged her on the Friday, she didn’t get back to me until the Monday, by which point I had travelled overseas with work. I don’t have much time when on business trips, so I didn’t respond to that until I saw her when I got home.

anyway- back to the not doing enough bit. I was asked to provide photographer and DJ recommendations, which I did on the same day as I did some research around local friends. She didn’t reply to my recommendations at all, or acknowledge them.

I have only been a bridesmaid once before, and I wanted to ask MN if I have fucked up here? What jobs, in the months before the wedding, do you think a bridesmaid should be doing? Should I have asked what else she wanted? I assumed she would ask me if she needed something (as indeed she did, and I responded and did the thing).

I will say, that for me, weddings are difficult, I planned mine in 6 weeks, to try and get married before my parent died. In the end, parent died the day after my wedding, having gone into a coma the day before. So when the bride keeps asking me how it felt to be married in the first few weeks, and how long it took to get used to the name change, I was vague and said “I can’t remember/not long”. Maybe that sounded disinterested, but in all honesty I thought vague was less of a mood killer than “well actually I was planning a funeral, and ringing a priest for the last rights, so I wasn’t really that bothered”. Perhaps I should have been honest. And yes, bride knows about my parent- we were friends back then, though actually
at my wedding she did leave early before the meal as she said she felt poorly.

so, what would you expect to do as a bridesmaid? As a bride, what did you expect of your bridesmaids? I want to measure how unreasonable I have been in being happy for her, but not actually helping organise her wedding.

It's 100% not your fault she's fallen for flattery from the overexcited idiot bridesmaids.

Please don't apologise again - she should be apologising to YOU for treating an old friend so badly. She's embarrassed herself.

As a bride, what did you expect of your bridesmaids?

Nothing. Just turn up on the day, walk down the aisle behind me and hold my bouquet during important parts of the ceremony.

You “friend” is being a spoilt brattish, self-absorbed bridezilla who can’t bear not being the centre of worshipful attention from the rest of the bridal party.

Don't engage with her, and ignore her messages. Let her stew.

Wow, I too have had a bad year but I'm currently readjusting it in my head after reading about yours. If nothing bad had happened to you your friend would be a bit of a bridezilla but given all you have been through she's a total twat. If your daughter is excited then yeah do the wedding but afterwards that would be it for me.

Also re bridesmaids jobs usually-
Attending dress/bridesmaids dresses appointments (if invited)
Arranging the hen do
If asked getting involved with favours /decor

This.

May god help you.

You poor woman.

What an absolute horror she is.

I would say your family have the measure of her.

I am getting married in June, my sister is MOH, no other bridesmaids. My sis hasn't chosen a dress yet, she isn't planning my hen do and she is totally consumed by her new job. I am absolutely fine with this, because new jobs are hard, I am an adult and I can plan my own wedding and I am not an arsehole who thinks anyone but me & DP should give a shiny shit about our wedding. She is a dick.

When all this bad stuff was happening to you, did she message to 'check in'?

Please find your anger here. She is very much in the wrong.

How dare she treat you this way after everything you have been through.

How dare she ask you how you felt after your wedding when she knew you had lost your parent.

What a fucking cunt she is.

OP I’m so sorry you have such an entitled and selfish weirdo as a friend. And sorry for the loss of your colleague - the bride sounds awful. I’d take this as my cue to step down. Unless she is a Royal bride (and even then I’d expect good behaviour from her) who the fuck does she think she is?!

Poor you, you’ve had so much to deal with. Your “friend sounds nasty and self obsessed. You haven’t done anything wrong at all.

My bridesmaids - sister and three friends kids- rocked up at my wedding in very cheap dresses they picked themselves which I paid for and spent a happy afternoon shopping together -never would have selected myself but were pink(ish) so happy to go along x

And DO NOT let her use your DD as a prop/doll for her special day. She clearly doesn’t value you as a friend therefore by extension she doesn’t value your DD.

Ditch the whole princess affair and take your DD out for the day

I think you've had a lucky escape and she sounds selfish and high maintenance.
Take it as a gift: more time and money saved from not attending the wedding that you can use yourself.

@JenniferBarkley and @billy1966

I’m not sure really. I suppose, when you lost your parent (brain cancer) in the horrific manner I did at 23, you learn to put one foot in front of the other. You get up, put your make up on, and you show up. Because what else is there? I have the best siblings and the best husband. I regret my wedding, in hindsight I shouldn’t have tried to rush it before parent died, but I didn’t really accept when the doctors said it would be “a month or two” that they literally meant it. Time is hard to quantify sometimes like that. I do NOT regret my marriage. I’m a lucky, lucky woman. We have been married well into double figures years now. I’m nearly 40.

to all those asking- no, she didn’t really message. But we have never had that intense friendship? I travel a lot on business, she works in a full on profession too, often more than 40 hours a week in the office. We have always gone weeks or months without contact. I don’t think she really knows how awful it’s been, b cause I didn’t really tell anyone who didn’t directly ask. I sort of found talking about it all too difficult, and when you rarely see someone, it doesn’t feel like the right thing to hijack your rare time with them with a “woe is me” outpouring.

I really appreciate the support here. Thanks everyone. I was expecting a pasting, and I did genuinely ask to see if I was BU. Appears the consensus is not. I would take it on board if I was.

She’s a bad friend OP. I expected nothing from my bridesmaid other than showing up and having fun.

You’ve been through loads and any good friend would be a support to you, not behaving like this.

Yes I'd tell her to do one!

I've been a bridesmaid five times and I've never been given any 'duties' or jobs to do. Each time, myself and the other bridesmaids organised the hen do and then made sure the bride had a lovely time on the big day itself but beyond that, I wasn't aware there was a job description.

Seems as though your friend has high expectations of this role she's appointed you with! The fact that she's even having this conversation with you on text rather than ringing and checking you're actually ok, feels like she's not much of a pal?

It's absolutely no wonder too that you would find weddings difficult and traumatic. You've been through a huge amount. I'm sorry for your loss OP. I think I'd just pull out of this wedding party.

She sounds awful like Bridezilla totally insensitive and self obsessed.

When I got married I was 35 and I researched services and organised everything myself to the last detail including two low key hen doo’s. All I expected of my bridesmaids was to turn up on the day and smile. As it happened on the actual day my best friend helped me into my dress and went next door to ask my neighbour to open the champagne and meanwhile I asked my other bridesmaid my sister in law to look after and chat to my mum and dad who were really nervous.

The bride needs to give her entitled self a good shake but maybe just nod and put it down to wedding nerves and buying into modern day americanised/instagrammable over the top wedding hype.

What a crap friend tbh, I’ve highlighted this from your op “how long did it get used to the surname change” is that everything she’s hyper about the wedding? If that’s the case i expect to let you know that she’s divorcing in a few years…

also, dont send her the things you’ve bought yourself, they are yours unless she’s willing to pay for them

regarding your daughter, you know your daughter best so if she’s happy and looking forward to it i’d suck it up,if now that you wont be part of bridesmaid she doesn’t feel so much up for it, dont force her, put her first as the bride is not thinking about you but about the perfect picture.

In this long time, how many times has she asked you how are you? How are you doing? Every few days? It’s just a wedding, her wedding, you dont have to check on her every day.

She’s a bridezilla and things like this never end up well

She's fallen for the wedding hype and forgotten that life is going on elsewhere too. Friendships work both ways, wedding or no wedding.

Stop apologising - you are only reinforcing her view that you haven't measured up.

Don't hang around the wedding for 5 hours supervising your daughter. She's not a wedding prop.

I hope things pick up for you

Urgh sorry, I've just read the whole thread through and saw she's removed you.

Without being vindictive, I genuinely think you should reconsider letting your DD be part of it all. You and DD are a unit and it would feel quite strange to have be in the middle of all the prep without being part of it. You don't have to be mean or spiteful but you can just say that in the circumstances it's best if DD isn't involved. I don't think I'd want any part of it.

You are being very magnanimous OP. Your friend is up her own wedding arse. It would be a shame for your daughter to miss out on something she's looking forward to but that's a ridiculous amount of time to make a child hang around for before the wedding even starts. Don't take too much responsibility for this, you're feeling the bridezilla.

Doesn’t sound like a good friend. I’d be dropping out of the friendship let alone the wedding.

some people are only friends whilst it’s all about them. They don’t give back. It took me a long time to understand this. I don’t feel guilt about not keeping in touch with some
people now.
A good friend would have been in touch over the last year and be having you as bridesmaid with the aim of making sure you also have a lovely day with your friends. I think you deserve better. Listen to your family and look after yourself - not beating yourself up over this.

I think with all the loss you have experienced, you are grieving the potential loss again of this friend, and trying not to let this happen.
I'm so sorry you're going thru all this 💐
It sounds like your dh and siblings have her number!
She doesn't sound like a decent friend.
I know falling out with friends is awful but it isn't your fault and she should have been way more supportive to you.
I wish you the best but feel you will let her walk all over you so you "save" the friendship

I feel so sorry for you.

The shocking loss of your parent like that takes many years to compute.

At my age it has happened several times to close friends and family and the shock takes years and years to believe and process.

I am so sorry that this personnhas caused you so much upset.

She is a horror.

I would be taking my daughter away for a spa day or some suchbthing and ditching that wedding and awful woman.

She wouldn't see me for dust.

I've helped a few friends organise their weddings because I'm experienced with events, did a good job with my own, & offered to NOT because they demanded it. I'm so sorry for all you've been through (I have many echoes of your problems in my life and just want to hug you). Anyway from POV of someone who has done all these weddings I'd advise if you even consider still attending the wedding and letting DD be a bridesmaid this is the extent of your logistical obligation:
You will tell bride child's dress size, take delivery of dress and shoes and hair accessory & deliver DD to the place where wedding party is getting ready already dressed with hair done 30 minutes before they are expected to leave for the church/venue. That's all a child bridesmaid needs to do. Walk the aisle, look cute, rejoin you after ceremony & photos and then spend the reception with you, leaving in time for her to get a decent bedtime. Only offer to do this if you are sure DD will be looked after by a trusted adult bridesmaid she knows and you're sure she'll have fun. Otherwise skip the whole painful nonsensical production. But after bride's behaviour you dont have to go let alone still be her friend. G ive yourself a freakin' break and look after yourself!