How do you keep going when you had no love

[Mooshamoo]

I had no love in my life. My mother was abusive, my father wasn't around at all. I went to visit my father when I was in my twenties and he told me that he never wanted to see me ever again. He is dead now.

I didn't have any grandparent. One side were dead before I was born. The other side (my father's mother ) refused to know me. Because my father refused to know me.

I have never had one person that loved me. I have never had one person that cared about me. I am turning 39 next month. I live alone and I work from home.

I just feel like I struggled this far without any love. But how can I go the whole rest of my life without any love. It is a basic human need. My lift feels like a fifty year jail sentence that I have to do. If I ever date men I seem to attract abusive men because of my abusive past. My self esteem is low and I'm very weak, so I just attract abusive men. So I have never felt love in a romantic relationship either. I just want to feel love and care from some one one time in my life.

I also hate the unfairness of life. I didn't have any loving parents so my whole life is shit, and I will never have a great loving romantic relationship.

I was just looking at a woman that I know. She had a really loving father and loving mother, she has achieved great things in life, she is in a really loving relationship with a kind man who brings her away in holidays. Because she had a great father who treated her with love, she is able to have great romantic relationships and she sees that she is worth a man like that. She is younger than me and she has a much better job than me.
My low self esteem means I don't think I am good enough for really good jobs . I'm not jealous of her I'm happy for her. But I also just hate the unfairness that if you have a bad start in life, everything else in life is bad too. Why could I have had loving parents.

What do I have to live for? I can't go on with no love or kindness or care.

I know I'm not the only one who has had a terrible life. How do the rest of you keep going?

Oh @Mooshamoo this is so sad. You sound so bereft, and of course that's entirely understandable as you have been bereft of love and care from others.

It's hard, and will maybe seem a little silly, but try to love and care for the child in you in small ways. Speak to her, as you would do a child you might see in pain or suffering - out loud. She will hear you. Tell her she deserves all the love in the world, that her soul matters in the universe, that she is loved and cared for. Show her love and kindness. Slowly, if you keep doing this in little ways every single day, she will heal. And so will you.

*as you would to a child...

Oh OP. I can hear the pain in your post.

I don't want to gloss over your pain - but there is always hope. You are not doomed to a loveless life because you did not have loving parents. You are worthy of love, as we all are.

Who do you have around you? Are there friends you could talk to? Have you had/considered therapy? Have you ever had a pet?

You sound very low and i'm sorry

You are obviously very intelligent (you write and express yourself perfectly well) and you have a job. You are sensitive to feelings and you are intuitive. These are all things which you can be proud of and despite a bad start, that makes you a wonderful person!

I don't want to sound as if i'm saying the obvious - but in the light of the above, what is stopping you from making steps towards friendships? Have you a hobby (i cringe as i type that as is sounds like such a cliche!) or a sport which you can join a club for to start making friends and maybe more?

Would you feel you are strong enough to join a dating site? A proper match making one - everyone looking for a genuine partner - not just online dating.

It sounds to me as if you have loads to give, and you could find someone who could give it right back

I had very little love and numerous mentally draining relationships over my life. I made the decision to love myself and only let positive energy into my life. I had counselling and they told me I attracted controlling men as my subconscious wanted that. Once I realised that I started to see red flags as just that rather than thinking it way my job to accept and support these men through their issues. I started doing things for me. Joined a walking club for weekends, joined a gym and felt better in myself and my mental health. Had lunches out by myself and solo cinema trips. When I learned to love myself I realised I brought a lot to the party and didnt need anyone else. I then met my husband who is amazing. No red flags. No drama. No games. When you are whole you stop looking for broken people.

I had my daughter from a prior relationship who I have showered with Love confidence building and She has the life I dreamed of and so I have broken the curse of shit parents in my family. I have very few friends but the ones I have are worth my time.

@Qwertyyui that is such a powerful and simple message!

Love yourself before expecting love.

The OP sounds as if she/he has so much going for them.
Love yourself OP! x

I had no love either. I'm a bit older than you, and I suppose I have become angry and bitter and feel like I hate the world. So I stay away from people as much as possible. I don't want to know about their nice normal lives, all the things they take for granted. Don't compare yourself to others though, that will always hurt.

It’s difficult and you might go through phases dwelling on lack of love and the need of love, interspersed by feeling ok. Do talk to a helpline or a counsellor/ therapist. It won’t make it better but being heard can be a help.

It's not 'difficult' actually, it's devastating. It affects your whole core and how you see yourself in the world. You have no identity and no foundation to build anything on. Sometimes I have actually felt like a ghost who doesn't even exist. And the only way to get validation or some kind of love or affection would be from men. Abusive horrible men mostly.
I'm sorry OP.

I had a comparable start in life OP and my heart goes out to you. I did find love my 20s. This happened at a time I went away and pleased myself entirely for a year and a half. I was a mess and had an anxiety disorder but did it anyway. Taking that time turned things around for me.

You don't have to travel but see if you can spend a period of time really focusing on you. At times you will feel lonely and heartbroken. But you might also find that, through pleasing yourself, you start to open yourself to new possibilities. Including, but not exclusively, love.

I know therapy is expensive and hard to access but if you are able to have any sessions it is incredibly effective at combating the negative thought spirals you are experiencing.

The book "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown is a good second best. It's not a self help book; it's well researched and can help you to find a different perspective.

Good luck

Many people had loveless or abusive childhoods - the ongoing Stately Homes thread is testament to that. You have a choice here. You can either carry on looking back and (sorry to be harsh*) feeling sorry for yourself, or you can accept that your parents were very flawed individuals but that their lives do not define yours. With work - in therapy and by yourself - you CAN have a fulfilling and happy life but it does have to start by looking forward. Try Responsibility Rebellion by Kain Ramsey as a start.

*My own (adoptive) father disowned and disinherited me, so I have first hard knowledge of where you are.

Yes it's true. Looking back and thinking of the unfairness of it all will just keep hurting me.

But its not just the unfairness of it all.

I just feel like im not strong enough to get through life so totally alone anymore.

I never seem to make really good friends either. Which is another thing due to my lack of self esteem. I don't feel like I am worth anything. How I think about myself is what is stopping me from having a good life. I think I'm worth nothing so then I think I don't deserve good friends, good jobs etc.

Ive been going to a lot of meetup groups lately to try to get myself out there. Everytime I go I shake and i think "I'm worth absolutely nothing, these people won't like me" and I'm quiet. People say I'm quiet.

In going to try to work on seeing that I am worth something.

I'm 39 now. I can either carry on seeing myself as worth nothing and deserving nothing. Or I can try to really work on myself to see that I am worth something! I don't know why it's so hard - when it is ingrained in you that you are worth nothing it is hard to Change the mindset. But I am really going to work on this.

We are all worth something

The good thing is that your mind is primed to hear the messages you tell it and take them in. It's why negative feelings/self talk become so ingrained. It's hard work to change the record, as it were, and it can be emotionally exhausting to have to constantly monitor what your mind is telling you/you're telling it. But positive changes to your thoughts do work, and they don't take all that long either.

Have a hug from me. And a cup of tea.

Have you got the budget to go for a massage every so often? It can really help with loneliness/touch deprivation.

I could’ve written that myself OP. A lot of trauma, childhood abuse, domestic abuse. I even made a couple of suicide attempts. But then I got a cat, and for the first time in my life I experienced pure, uncomplicated love I didn’t know existed. I keep myself going for him, giving up is no longer an option.

Is this a possibility for you? Apologies if it’s not, I’m just sharing what worked for me.

I was going to suggest that too. I know it's not a substitute for human love and friendship by any means, but a dog or cat would offer so much in terms of meaningful affection.

I know it sounds twee but I would try volunteering, help children to read or volunteer at a soup kitchen, samaritans etc. I think this will help you feel useful and will be rewarding. Also, I know it's easier said than done but no one is thinking you're worthless, they're always thinking about themselves and their own insecurities. Be the person you need towards others and I think that would help.

I would also recommend looking at evening classes. I’ve never had much success with making long-term friendships in Meetup groups but have made lots of friends through studying. Learning, revising, stressing and moaning with people who share an interest in a subject is a great way to form close bonds.

Another thing I have going against me is my nationality. I was born in England and moved to Ireland when I was 8. English father Irish mother

I've lived in Ireland and England as an adult, and I feel like I'm never accepted in either country.
In Ireland, I'm not Irish enough for them, because I was born in England so i got a lot of abuse as an adult in Ireland.

When I lived in England for a year as an adult I got some abuse for being half Irish. I feel like I'm a nervous wreck from this. At any meetups I always start to get stressed about my nationality

If you don't have to worry about your nationality when you go to meetups/ groups/ volubteering, you are very lucky!

I wish I was just one nationality from one country.

That’s so sad. I really am very sorry. But, if it’s any consolation, no one escapes pain and heartbreak. Those who had loving parents, and who loved them in return, have the agony of watching them age and die. I’m very close to my mother, but she’s old now, and I know it’s only a matter of time before my heart is ripped in two. I will have to watch her endure terminal cancer or dementia or some other horror. I have friends who couldn’t care less about their parents, and there are times when I almost envy them.

@JoonT

Sorry about your mum, but you are lucky that you have something that you feel heartbroken about losing. Imagine never having had that love in the first place. It's not really comparable, and definitely not any consolation.

Yes it is an interesting one. I remember when I was thirty I worked with a woman, Anna, who's mother had died from a brain tumour a couple of years ago. My mother was alive at the time.

Anna used to talk about her mother all the time. She had been very close to her and was very deep in grief for her. She would say things like "i wish my mother was here and I was there", and " I couldn't save her". She was really grieving terribly. I remember we had conversations about our mothers at the time. I wasn't speaking to my mother at the time. I told Anna she had been abusive .And Anna said to me "you should forgive her, I would give the earth, moon and stars for my mother to be back here".

It was an interesting conversation as she had no concept of abusive mother's as she had been so close to her mother.

Anna used to talk about her mother a lot and it made me think, and I did wonder if it was a sign from the universe at the time that I should I forgive my mother. I remember at the time that Anna did make me think about my mother in a different way. That even though she had been very abusive, maybe i should forgive her.

@Mooshamoo have a look at this article on core beliefs;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance

BTW, I moved to Dublin from the UK and loved living there - felt much more like 'home' that the UK. I now have an Irish passport which I cherish. Shows there are different ways of looking at a situation...

Op you're absolutely right in saying it's unfair and shit. You do deserve love and I hope it finds you in an unexpected place. You know though the song is true, the greatest love of all, is learning to love yourself.

Thanks for that @Eyesopenwideawake

I didn't have such a bad start as you, but I hit a rocky patch in my late 20s where I definitely had very low self esteem and respect. Was desperate to find a boyfriend, but no takers sadly! I remember I used to physically hug myself and talk to myself and tell myself that I loved myself (out loud) and that I would look after me. Sounds a bit mad but I think it did work. I definitely have much higher self esteem now and I am happy.