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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you keep going when you had no love

58 replies

Mooshamoo · 07/02/2023 11:24

I had no love in my life. My mother was abusive, my father wasn't around at all. I went to visit my father when I was in my twenties and he told me that he never wanted to see me ever again. He is dead now.

I didn't have any grandparent. One side were dead before I was born. The other side (my father's mother ) refused to know me. Because my father refused to know me.

I have never had one person that loved me. I have never had one person that cared about me. I am turning 39 next month. I live alone and I work from home.

I just feel like I struggled this far without any love. But how can I go the whole rest of my life without any love. It is a basic human need. My lift feels like a fifty year jail sentence that I have to do. If I ever date men I seem to attract abusive men because of my abusive past. My self esteem is low and I'm very weak, so I just attract abusive men. So I have never felt love in a romantic relationship either. I just want to feel love and care from some one one time in my life.

I also hate the unfairness of life. I didn't have any loving parents so my whole life is shit, and I will never have a great loving romantic relationship.

I was just looking at a woman that I know. She had a really loving father and loving mother, she has achieved great things in life, she is in a really loving relationship with a kind man who brings her away in holidays. Because she had a great father who treated her with love, she is able to have great romantic relationships and she sees that she is worth a man like that. She is younger than me and she has a much better job than me.
My low self esteem means I don't think I am good enough for really good jobs . I'm not jealous of her I'm happy for her. But I also just hate the unfairness that if you have a bad start in life, everything else in life is bad too. Why could I have had loving parents.

What do I have to live for? I can't go on with no love or kindness or care.

I know I'm not the only one who has had a terrible life. How do the rest of you keep going?

OP posts:
WildRosie · 07/02/2023 18:09

I too have been short on love, OP. Although I was fortunate enough to have both my parents around until relatively recently (Mum until nine years ago and Dad until three years ago), I didn't have what could be called a healthy parent and child relationship. To be fair, my relationship with Mum was generally good but I spent the first 43 years of my life being the youngest child of seven and consequently often second-guessed, doubted and smothered. It wasn't intentional behaviour but it did nothing for my self-esteem. My relationship with Dad was often nothing more than cordial; I now consider him to have been little more than a provider, not much of a parent and often bad-tempered and shouty. Thankfully, physical violence was rare but I haven't forgotten it. If there was any fatherly love to be had, I never felt it. And in turn, I felt nothing on when he was on his deathbed.

I have six older siblings, all in long-term marriages and with many children and grandchildren between them. On the flip side, I'm now 52 and still single, still a virgin and I haven't even started dating yet. All true. I don't know what went wrong when I was growing up. Maybe I'm just very unlucky or unpopular. But I've spent my entire life so far without the love of a woman and all that goes with it. The emotional bond, the physical closeness, the friendship. And so on. I've had nothing. And when I see how easy this part of life is for some people, it hurts a lot. You start to think you're faulty or damaged goods. The plus for me is fairly steady full-time employment and home ownership (I've paid my mortgage 🙂). But that's all I've got to show for 52 years and I don't see any change for me. But I hope you can improve your lot. It isn't fair when life isn't fair IYSWIM. You ain't alone!

BrioNotBiro · 07/02/2023 18:31

I remember a quote from another MNetter, and I'll repeat it here:

You're not alone. You're not pointless or mad or unlovable. You have been dealt a crap hand of cards with which to play the game but that doesn't mean you are a crap player or not welcome in the game.

NoliteTeBastardesCarborundorum · 07/02/2023 21:09

You've been on my mind since I read this OP. I don't have any experience of your situation and can't offer any good advice. But please remember that your childhood is not your fault and you are worthy of love. And you still have a large portion of your life to have it. You could be married for 40 years!

Does having a pet or a child appeal to you?

WildRosie · 08/02/2023 15:59

A thousand apologies OP. You received so many replies then I submitted an essay and killed the thread. I hope you found some useful information.

mumyes · 08/02/2023 20:38

WildRosie · 07/02/2023 18:09

I too have been short on love, OP. Although I was fortunate enough to have both my parents around until relatively recently (Mum until nine years ago and Dad until three years ago), I didn't have what could be called a healthy parent and child relationship. To be fair, my relationship with Mum was generally good but I spent the first 43 years of my life being the youngest child of seven and consequently often second-guessed, doubted and smothered. It wasn't intentional behaviour but it did nothing for my self-esteem. My relationship with Dad was often nothing more than cordial; I now consider him to have been little more than a provider, not much of a parent and often bad-tempered and shouty. Thankfully, physical violence was rare but I haven't forgotten it. If there was any fatherly love to be had, I never felt it. And in turn, I felt nothing on when he was on his deathbed.

I have six older siblings, all in long-term marriages and with many children and grandchildren between them. On the flip side, I'm now 52 and still single, still a virgin and I haven't even started dating yet. All true. I don't know what went wrong when I was growing up. Maybe I'm just very unlucky or unpopular. But I've spent my entire life so far without the love of a woman and all that goes with it. The emotional bond, the physical closeness, the friendship. And so on. I've had nothing. And when I see how easy this part of life is for some people, it hurts a lot. You start to think you're faulty or damaged goods. The plus for me is fairly steady full-time employment and home ownership (I've paid my mortgage 🙂). But that's all I've got to show for 52 years and I don't see any change for me. But I hope you can improve your lot. It isn't fair when life isn't fair IYSWIM. You ain't alone!

Flowers

Very brave post. I admire that.

mumyes · 08/02/2023 20:38

Ooo, a pet is another good oh s suggestion worth considering. OP.

WildRosie · 09/02/2023 05:02

Thankyou, mumyes.

mexicanabanana · 09/02/2023 06:21

I could have written something very similar. It is very difficult to feel worthy of love when you have been conditioned from an early to receive none.

Something that has helped me a lot and has been mentioned above is loving the child you were. I have a small picture of myself when I was 4 hanging on my wall. It reminds me to nurture that little girl as if she were my own child. It has really helped me and allowed me to cut myself some slack for having some issues with regard to relationships.

My cat and his beautiful unconditional love has been very beneficial, again, I saw this was mentioned above.

you deserve love OP and it will come to you.
Love can present itself in many different forms 💐💐

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