How do you keep going when you had no love

[Mooshamoo]

I had no love in my life. My mother was abusive, my father wasn't around at all. I went to visit my father when I was in my twenties and he told me that he never wanted to see me ever again. He is dead now.

I didn't have any grandparent. One side were dead before I was born. The other side (my father's mother ) refused to know me. Because my father refused to know me.

I have never had one person that loved me. I have never had one person that cared about me. I am turning 39 next month. I live alone and I work from home.

I just feel like I struggled this far without any love. But how can I go the whole rest of my life without any love. It is a basic human need. My lift feels like a fifty year jail sentence that I have to do. If I ever date men I seem to attract abusive men because of my abusive past. My self esteem is low and I'm very weak, so I just attract abusive men. So I have never felt love in a romantic relationship either. I just want to feel love and care from some one one time in my life.

I also hate the unfairness of life. I didn't have any loving parents so my whole life is shit, and I will never have a great loving romantic relationship.

I was just looking at a woman that I know. She had a really loving father and loving mother, she has achieved great things in life, she is in a really loving relationship with a kind man who brings her away in holidays. Because she had a great father who treated her with love, she is able to have great romantic relationships and she sees that she is worth a man like that. She is younger than me and she has a much better job than me.
My low self esteem means I don't think I am good enough for really good jobs . I'm not jealous of her I'm happy for her. But I also just hate the unfairness that if you have a bad start in life, everything else in life is bad too. Why could I have had loving parents.

What do I have to live for? I can't go on with no love or kindness or care.

I know I'm not the only one who has had a terrible life. How do the rest of you keep going?

I never seem to make really good friends either. Which is another thing due to my lack of self esteem. I don't feel like I am worth anything. How I think about myself is what is stopping me from having a good life. I think I'm worth nothing so then I think I don't deserve good friends, good jobs etc.

I think you have hit the nail on the head here. What I would say is that you do have real insight into why relationships are difficult which is half the battle. Have you thought about counselling? It can be very affordable if you go through an organisation like MIND

You have also had some really good ideas from other posters - volunteering, courses are great ways to meet other people. And I would second getting a pet if you are able, the love they give is unconditional and the love you can give them may help you heal yourself

I think the only real solution is therapy.

Also, I agree with the advice about getting a pet.

Sorry if this sounds too simplistic but it’s your ingrained thought processes holding you back and you need to start challenging these with some professional help.

If you can't have a pet full time, you can join websites where you can help out local dog owners, and take their dog out regularly etc, without the responsibility, (Borrow my doggy or Rover)
You get to build a bond with the doggy and help it's owners!
Small steps, do little things for you, speak to yourself in a positive way, volunteering would help you connect and feel worthwhile.

Have you thought of getting a dog? Instant family member plus dog walkers all seem to talk to each other about their dogs.

Ive done loads of therapy. I really have tried it. It doesn't work for everyone. Therapists are just human beings with their own problems.

I remember the first therapist I went to. I told her my life story and she burst into tears and started crying. I felt like I had to comfort her.

I changed therapist and went to a man. I told him my life story, and he sighed and said "that is a lot of work for me to take on".

So they weren't great experiences. Id rather do the work on myself by myself. I'm determined to improve myself this year. I'm going to forgive others and try to see that I'm worth something.

It doesn't sound like the therapists were able to help...
I am in a similar situation, have a pet which helps enormously. Small circle of friends. I am foreign in UK but learned to cope with it.
I don't know what else to say. There are many people who lacked emotional support in their childhood. We need to learn that it wasn't out fault and create our own lives.

I don't think of myself as worth something or nothing. You seem to be fixating on that?

Looking outwards can also be good for you: helping others, doing interesting things, appreciating nature, caring for a garden and pets.

What shite therapists! Have a look at the Control System - your situation is something the practitioners (full disclosure; including myself) deal with on a regular basis.

This course - www.udemy.com/course/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-online-course-cbt-practitioner-course/ is excellent if you'd prefer to work on yourself.

Thanks for that eyesopenwideawake

If it helps, this is a well researched area. People who feel they fall between two communities often don’t feel they belong to either, and this is correlated with a higher incidence of mental ill-health.

I identify with a lot of your post OP. [ flowers]

if it helps, this is a well researched area. People who feel they fall between two communities often don’t feel they belong to either, and this is correlated with a higher incidence of mental I’ll health.

sorry, forgot to quote your post before.

OP

You write very eloquently.

I'm so sorry to hear of your life....so far.

There is hope I think.

I agree that you should be kinder to yourself and love yourself....

Also, and I have no experience in this area so I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but could you try helping / loving someone else but not romantically maybe if that's not there in your life right now (e.g. fostering)?

Ooh interesting. I'm going to read more about that. That might be a good place for me to start. Yes I always feel like I don't fit in and I'm not Irish enough or English enough in either country. I'm going to read About how other people felt who have two nationalities. And how they fit in. It will help me to accept myself more

Wow, just read your post re therapists. A lot of therapists are shit.

A very few are excellent. It really is worth shopping around to find one of these.

Avoid anything that says person- centred or humanistic. They just sit there and say nearly nothing whilst you talk, in the hope you will magically stumble in all the solutions yourself, whilst paying them 50 an hour.

You're absolutely right OP, life really isn't unfair and I'm so sorry your parents failed in their roles.

You deserve love. Have you had any counselling?

OP, not the same as what you’re posting about but just to give you hope that being 39 does not mean it’s too late to turn your life around…

At 38 my grandmother’s life completely fell apart due to a family tragedy (her parents and husband were killed in an accident. She didn’t have any kids or siblings). Needless to say she was in the depths of despair and couldn’t fathom how life could ever be good again.

to cut a long story short, she remarried, managed to have 2 kids despite her age, and had a brilliant life (though obviously to her with sadness for those she had lost) until she died at 95. If we hadn’t been told the story, none of us 5 grandchildren of hers would have had any clue. She was always so positive and happy and looking for things to laugh about.

I have every faith you will manage to turn your life around too.

Of course you're worth something OP. You're a person. You have a mind and ideas and believes and feelings.

You're worth the whole world.

Thank you for that. That was kind of you. Yes I am proud of myself in one way for getting this far, and all I have overcome. yes maybe focusing on other people, helping other people would also help me .

OP I get it. I have no advice but wanted to say I understand.

I had a difficult childhood, abusive parents, zero self esteem. I have had a ton of therapy and now consider myself my own therapist, but the damage cannot be fully undone. I never got rid of the critical inner voice, which is my mother.

I was well into my 30s when I got a glimpse of real love. It was mind blowing.

I'm still grieving the upbringing I was supposed to have. I'm still trying to come to terms with that the parents I had aren't the parents I needed or deserved. They made me ill. Mentally and physically.

Im sorry you are going through this. Please know you aren't on your own x

@Mooshamoo My heart goes out to you and I honestly think that if no one has suffered as you have they can't possibly understand. I've come close with early double parent death, familial abuse and domestic violence. I've had a lot of therapy and I am sometimes now able to come to terms with my life but I know that situation of feeling it's unfair, why me, bad relationships, chasing friendships, hating people who have had it easy and can't understand.

Have you heard of Adverse Childhood Experiences? ACES. mft.nhs.uk/rmch/services/camhs/young-people/adverse-childhood-experiences-aces-and-attachment/ There is lots of info on the net now, these have slowly come into focus and I am pretty sure that you could find help through the NHS though you'd have to fight for it. You have complex PTSD by the sound of it and you do need therapy, you need to find the right person. It was a kind called EMDR that worked for me.

Reading wise, have you come across Peter Walker www.pete-walker.com/index.htm an American therapist with a lot of useful info on his website. A lot of people find The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van Der Kolk useful, it's about trauma and how this is held in the body and how releasing the trauma helps us recover.

The kinds of actions you have been taking like going to Meet Ups are actually incredibly brave but can open you up to even more hurt because it takes time to build relationships and sometimes if we are needy, our trying will simply drive people away. Well done for doing those things. You probably need help with boundaries and loving yourself and your child self. Read lots and try different things. Pets are great but they are also a commitment. Volunteering is useful because then you feel needed and get to spend time with other caring folk. I found helping in a rescue centre absolute bliss because people who care about animals are often kind and actually, people who are abused often gravitate to working with animals, especially abused animals. A therapist once said to me 'the wounded find the wounded'. You are actually quite young, don't lose hope, well done for being brave, keep trying, it will get better. Hugs.

I know the world can seem like such a shitty place sometimes, but you really have done amazingly well to be where you are. Even just to hold down a 'normal' life & a job is a major achievement some days I think!
You have done so much better than people who have had it easy.

You can do anything, OP.

I second this advice. They have literally studied to become a counsellor but expect you to have all the answers within you with minimal guidance .

It's nice to have but it's not actually a need. You can manage without it for as long as you have to.

Oh this is so upsetting
I think first things first you need to find it in you to love yourself. Do you have any close friends or colleagues that you work with that you can get close to, to go out for a meal with or just spend time with them?
I hope you find some peace of mind OP

OP, so much of who you are comes through your posts.

A large part is so incredibly sad and dejected. The continual rejection you have suffered and endured throughout your life cannot be underestimated. And clearly can't be understood by most people (Anna - case in point). It would send many people to self-harm, addictions and worse.

But... the other (much larger) part of you is hugely attractive and appealing. You have incredible self-awareness. You are willing and able to see things from the perspective of others. You are intelligent, especially with your emotions. You are teachable. You are compassionate. Contemplating forgiving your abusers tells us this. You are trusting, by reaching out to others in your pain.

In my experience, the world is split into two types of people. Those who are intrinsically kind - and those who are not. It's usually easy to spot the difference.

My life advice is to gravitate towards the people who are kind, compassionate, thoughtful, humble, self-aware. Just like YOU are.

You're the kind of person I'd happily be friends with.

Challenge for you: when you go to the next meetup, turn the tables.

Instead of feeling unworthy of other people's attention, sit back and observe their tone and how they interact with others. You'll start to see who they are and whether you think they'll be a good "fit" for you.

I really hope and pray you start to see your value and significance. Xxx