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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask ex partner for half his wage?

65 replies

AliceNutter · 07/02/2023 10:23

Ex p left about a decade ago and shortly after got sacked from his job. The twat. He’s been more or less unemployed since then bar some seasonal/winter work some bloke rings him up and gives him, consisting of 8-10 weeks part time work.

We have 2 DC together although my eldest left for university in September. Dd is 13.

He has had a child with the person he left me for, but kept them a secret until last June, so he hasn’t done any weekends up till then. So I’ve done it all alone.

He’s asked me how much I want from him but the thing is this time round I’m really struggling for money. My work has taken a massive hit from Covid plus this cost of living crisis, I’m trying to get new work but frankly I’m a ball of anxiety about it all. My friend said ask for bloody half his money! Normally I dutifully go to cm/s calculator and ask for the percentage suggested on that, but given this is his only maintenance I can expect for another year that seems ridiculous 😭

I’m aware I must sound like a complete wet lettuce, but I don’t know how to part this man from his money ! So. AIBU?

OP posts:
LastOfTheChristmasWine · 07/02/2023 10:25

I'm afraid that asking for half his wage is fantasy, especially when he has another child to support.

PizzaPastaWine · 07/02/2023 10:27

Just use the CMS calculator. He has himself/another DC to support and you know what the answer will be.

WandaWonder · 07/02/2023 10:28

You can ask for half, not sure a court in the land would give it to you though

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 07/02/2023 10:28

I'd ask him for the maximum you think he'll actually give you. If that's lower than CMS, go through them.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 07/02/2023 10:29

Just get Cms to collect what he owes. Then no need to get so stressed.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/02/2023 10:33

Go to the CMS and get it set up properly.

It won’t be half his wage.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 07/02/2023 10:34

Taking 50% of his income is incredibly unreasonable. But I think you know that already…

VainAbigail · 07/02/2023 10:36

50% of his wage for 1 child when he has himself and another child to support?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/02/2023 10:37

Also, the amount of maintenance you receive is not set by how much you are struggling.

stripedsox · 07/02/2023 10:39

To be brutally honest if my ex asked for half my wage they'd be told to do one especially after a decade apart! I would expect to pay the required cms and buy things for the dc but no more.

Babyroobs · 07/02/2023 10:39

Of course YABU and I guess you know that. He sounds like an idiot but is only obliged to pay what the CMS calculator says, although it may be worth chasing him for arrears. I presume you are claiming any benefits/ UC that you are eligible for if you are struggling? CM does not affect tax credits/ Universal credit in any way.

Quartz2208 · 07/02/2023 10:51

I think the op was asking for that as a one off payment not every month but I could be wrong

go through cms

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 07/02/2023 10:54

YABU, of course you can't ask for half his wages after a decade apart. You need to do a CMS calculator.

CalpolDependant · 07/02/2023 10:55

Not the OW, but still the mother of my husband’s 3rd child, where his first two are by his first wife.

He pays her 20% each month and she frequently asks for more. She has requested 20% of our entire household income, which roughly equates to 45% of his sole income, so not too dissimilar to your question. These are my credentials for advice giving. :)

She took us to court for this amount, asking for it to be paid in bulk every year too. (£30,000 upfront, rather than over 12 months). A judge ruled she should receive 16% of just husband’s income and reduced his liability significantly (although he adjusted it upwards to 20% again)

My point is, if he declines the 50% and it becomes acrimonious / you have to pursue through the proper channels, you won’t get more than the CMS amount. This amount will be based on one child, I think. Due to the age and circumstances of the elder one.

As he’s looking for an informal agreement, I think… perhaps ask for 25%, with the understanding that your kids haven’t received that they needed from him so far. And then perhaps ask him if he might consider buying your oldest some things they need for uni. Don’t mention your own financial situation, just keep it entirely about the kids.

watsthecraic · 07/02/2023 11:01

What do you mean this time around?

ShimmeringShirts · 07/02/2023 11:17

How old is his other child? Seems bizarre you didn’t know about him being in a relationship or having another child for 10 years.

You’re not entitled to half his wages and any CMS he’s due to pay will take into account he has another child to support too which also reduces the amount I believe. You can go through CMS but they won’t backdate your payments to the separation, it’ll only be backdated to the date of your claim (if it is at all).

CMVB · 07/02/2023 11:43

Unfortunately you’re living in lala land if you think he’ll give you half of his wage. It’s also unreasonable to ask him to do so after a decade apart and when he has himself and another child to support. You don’t know if he’s struggling too. Just go down the cms route for regular maintenance payments

Original poster
AliceNutter · 07/02/2023 11:46

So turns out IABU 😭 ok so obviously I know I’m getting fuck all from this twit let alone half, but it blows my mind that his contribution to my dc upkeep is less than £200 for the year.

OP posts:
willithappen · 07/02/2023 11:48

What is your thought process for thinking you'd be entitled to half of his earnings?

Absolutely he should be paying what he's owe but a bit ludicrous to think it would work out at half his wage.

If there's issues with your work and money then you need to go down the benefits route and see what options are available to you

horseyhorsey17 · 07/02/2023 11:50

I have a few questions. Why is he offering to pay for the kids now when he hasn't up until this point - does he have a new job? Is it better than the old one? I think you have to work out what you think he can realistically afford to give you and ask for that. Even though it sounds like he's been a massive twat - men who CBA to financially support the kids they've brought into the world are lowlifes who grind my gears, and I am sorry your ex is one - there's no point starting off by being antagonistic and ending up with nothing. Easier (and cheaper) to settle this between you if you can than getting solicitors involved.

CalpolDependant · 07/02/2023 12:20

What @horseyhorsey17 said - don’t start by being antagonistic (50% would make most people feel annoyed and is a figure you’ve selected that makes it clear he’s been a deadbeat thus far!)

Ask for something closer to what the CMS would award you and you stand a better chance.

Also, FYI, if the CMS put him on Collect and Pay, he would pay an admin fee, but so would you! (4% irrc)

booboo82 · 07/02/2023 12:24

Erm no 🤣

FlippityFlippityFlop · 07/02/2023 12:28

@AliceNutter do you mean that this will be the only payment that you will get from him this year (that he wont pay you anything else)? If so - then yes ask him for half his wage or the the maximum you think he will give.

aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2023 12:29

Surely you realised you were being unreasonable OP?? This would be absolute madness.

It sounds like his contribution is low generally and you're not unreasonable to be annoyed about that, but that was never going to mean it would be reasonable to expect half of his income.

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 12:32

Honestly just tell to give you what he thinks he should pay.

He's not going to give you half and anything is better than nothing.