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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask ex partner for half his wage?

65 replies

AliceNutter · 07/02/2023 10:23

Ex p left about a decade ago and shortly after got sacked from his job. The twat. He’s been more or less unemployed since then bar some seasonal/winter work some bloke rings him up and gives him, consisting of 8-10 weeks part time work.

We have 2 DC together although my eldest left for university in September. Dd is 13.

He has had a child with the person he left me for, but kept them a secret until last June, so he hasn’t done any weekends up till then. So I’ve done it all alone.

He’s asked me how much I want from him but the thing is this time round I’m really struggling for money. My work has taken a massive hit from Covid plus this cost of living crisis, I’m trying to get new work but frankly I’m a ball of anxiety about it all. My friend said ask for bloody half his money! Normally I dutifully go to cm/s calculator and ask for the percentage suggested on that, but given this is his only maintenance I can expect for another year that seems ridiculous 😭

I’m aware I must sound like a complete wet lettuce, but I don’t know how to part this man from his money ! So. AIBU?

OP posts:
LittleLegoWoman · 07/02/2023 12:33

Ask for at least 364. The minimum cvs amount is 7 pounds per week even when NRP are on benefits.

funinthesun19 · 07/02/2023 12:39

Massively unreasonable. You have no consideration at all for his other child. And whilst yes that child isn’t your problem, you surely realise that if you took HALF of his wage you would be putting that other child in a very vulnerable position. Not their fault any of it.
Luckily this is why the law doesn’t agree with you.

Your ex should definitely be paying for his child with you, but half of his wage is just madness.

slowquickstep · 07/02/2023 12:45

Use the calculator and insist he buys all the school uniform and pays for any activities and gives your child pocket money every month.

MsMarch · 07/02/2023 12:54

He's not going to give you any money - asking what you want is just a way for him to feel good about himself. So you can ask for half, but I'l be shocked if he sends over a fiver now and again.

Zatroya · 07/02/2023 13:02

Whatever the calculator tells you you're entitled to, and YABU, and quite frankly pathetic.

You've been apart a decade, he doesn't owe you anything except maintenance.

Get a bloody grip.

vodkaredbullgirl · 07/02/2023 13:05

1/2 his wages, you having a laugh

2bazookas · 07/02/2023 13:06

You're being greedy and irrational

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2023 13:14

slowquickstep · 07/02/2023 12:45

Use the calculator and insist he buys all the school uniform and pays for any activities and gives your child pocket money every month.

Insist? And do what when he laughs in her face?

OP, you’re both responsible for supporting your shared child and it sounds like you both need more stable jobs and income. Are you self employed? If it’s not meeting your needs and you looking for another job that might be better and more reliable? He sounds like a complete flake, I doubt that’s new behaviour so do what you can to improve your own circumstances and anything from him is a bonus.

buzz91 · 07/02/2023 13:14

I assume you mean that he brings nothing in regularly therefore pays no money throughout the year, no monthly payments at all, apart from when he gets these random short stints of work? If so, then sure, ask him - doubt he’ll give you it but if it’s likely one of your only chances to get money from him you may as well try

Auldandknackered · 07/02/2023 13:21

Op have you claimed all the benefits you’re entitled to?

CrazyCorgi · 07/02/2023 13:40

😂 I’m a huge fan of getting paying parents to cough up but 50% of their wages is ridiculous. You also have the responsibility to support your child, not just him.

LittleLegoWoman · 07/02/2023 13:59

OP, I’d ignore all the people saying you’re ridiculous. They haven’t understood that you get 0 maintenance most of the time and that this would be a one off payment not 50% of his salary for every month on an ongoing basis

Original poster
AliceNutter · 07/02/2023 14:12

CrazyCorgi · 07/02/2023 13:40

😂 I’m a huge fan of getting paying parents to cough up but 50% of their wages is ridiculous. You also have the responsibility to support your child, not just him.

Hmm. Pleased my op has you spluttering with laughter. Where have you seen me write I don’t support my kids? I work multiple jobs, a mixture of freelance and steady work all year long. I pay the mortgage, heating, electricity, food, school lunch, clothes,uniforms, daily bus fare, outings…I mean, everything!
His contribution is less than £200 for the year. It’s ridiculous.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2023 14:16

LittleLegoWoman · 07/02/2023 13:59

OP, I’d ignore all the people saying you’re ridiculous. They haven’t understood that you get 0 maintenance most of the time and that this would be a one off payment not 50% of his salary for every month on an ongoing basis

It doesn't really change the question of what he's supposed to live off if he gives away half of what he's earned.

steff13 · 07/02/2023 14:27

How does your child support system work there, i.e., if you had gone through CMS initially would he have been accruing arrearages during all the years he wasn't paying? That's what happens here, and they will continue to collect until it's all paid, regardless of the age of the child. I had a hearing recently with a woman in her 70s who was receiving child support even though her youngest child was in his 30s, because of the arrearages.

I would go to CMS and get it set up formally if it were me.

steff13 · 07/02/2023 14:29

funinthesun19 · 07/02/2023 12:39

Massively unreasonable. You have no consideration at all for his other child. And whilst yes that child isn’t your problem, you surely realise that if you took HALF of his wage you would be putting that other child in a very vulnerable position. Not their fault any of it.
Luckily this is why the law doesn’t agree with you.

Your ex should definitely be paying for his child with you, but half of his wage is just madness.

I agree that 50% of his income isn't realistic, but he chose to have another child when he couldn't support his first child. If he doesn't have consideration for the other child, why is the OP expected to?

Puppers · 07/02/2023 14:30

Zatroya · 07/02/2023 13:02

Whatever the calculator tells you you're entitled to, and YABU, and quite frankly pathetic.

You've been apart a decade, he doesn't owe you anything except maintenance.

Get a bloody grip.

A lot of personal insults there and yet you seem to have completely missed the actual point.

This man has opted out of working and paying for his children. He does 8 weeks of part time paid work each year. That's it.

To say that all he owes OP is a tiny portion of the meagre amount he can be arsed to bring in for 1/6 of the year is ridiculous. He needs to get his backside into gear, go to work and pay for his kids. All year. OP is not asking for 50% of his money out of greed. He's only got any money for 8 weeks of the year and that's only from part time work. So 50% of that simply isn't anywhere close to a reasonable contribution towards raising his children. Even if he gave her the full amount it wouldn't be enough.

He's clearly getting some money from somewhere else or has access to accomodation and food etc via some other means for the rest of the year. Even if he's claiming benefits he should be making regular payments to OP, which he isn't doing.

Itisbetter · 07/02/2023 14:35

If the minimum is still £7 a week (£364 a year) then ask him for £364 for last years money.

SnowyGiveAway · 07/02/2023 14:35

Zatroya · 07/02/2023 13:02

Whatever the calculator tells you you're entitled to, and YABU, and quite frankly pathetic.

You've been apart a decade, he doesn't owe you anything except maintenance.

Get a bloody grip.

Yes OP absolutely pathetic to think that the child's father owes THEM (not you) a stable upbringing. With like, food and a roof and stuff. Silly fool you are to expect that the after 10 whole years apart he owes his children any more than a birthday card.

What are you doing to support your kids, huh? Huh?? Get another job. Get rich. Get richer. Absolutely do whatever you have to but clearly you can have no expectation that the man who gave these children life is also responsible for feeding them!

FFS

SnowyGiveAway · 07/02/2023 14:39

And for all the woman rolling on the floor laughing at the thought of a man handing over 50% of his wages to support his children...

Both me and my husband spend about 95% of our wages supporting our children! And we do it without flinching, because that's what parents do, so no it's not so ridiculous or hilarious to suggest that a deadbeat dad might be expected to do the same.

FFS. This place is crazy sometimes.

aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2023 14:41

SnowyGiveAway · 07/02/2023 14:39

And for all the woman rolling on the floor laughing at the thought of a man handing over 50% of his wages to support his children...

Both me and my husband spend about 95% of our wages supporting our children! And we do it without flinching, because that's what parents do, so no it's not so ridiculous or hilarious to suggest that a deadbeat dad might be expected to do the same.

FFS. This place is crazy sometimes.

Me and my DP spend 95% of our wages on housing and utility bills. I'm never really sure how anyone can say they spend most of their money on their kids, unless they're mortgage free.

LittleLegoWoman · 07/02/2023 14:47

aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2023 14:16

It doesn't really change the question of what he's supposed to live off if he gives away half of what he's earned.

Show quote history

He clearly lives off something else. Could be his current wife, benefits, an inheritance, something illegal and/or undeclared.
8-10 weeks part time work presumably not very well paid work (since CMS is suggesting 200quid) is not going to support anyone. It’s basically extra money then, on top of whatever system he uses to support himself usually. It sounds like he’s earned a grand or two and that’s it. I think OP should ask for 364pounds myself, since that would be the 7pounds per week minimum.
He clearly abandoned all financial responsibility for his older children a long time ago. I’m not surprised OP is pissed off at him.

SnowyGiveAway · 07/02/2023 15:31

aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2023 14:41

Me and my DP spend 95% of our wages on housing and utility bills. I'm never really sure how anyone can say they spend most of their money on their kids, unless they're mortgage free.

Show quote history

Yup. Housing - to keep those kids housed. Utilities - to keep them warm and dry. Food. Everything. It's all going towards them in one way or another isn't it?

If a resident parent just stopped feeding, clothing and sheltering her children what would happen to her (because c'mon, it's more than likely to be a her)? But a man can shrug his shoulders and walk away, and the woman doing her damnedest to keep things afloat is called pathetic and told to try harder.

When do we start talking about internalised misogyny??

aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2023 15:38

@SnowyGiveAway Personally I think it's quite disingenuous to characterise housing, utilities and food as money going to the kids. You'd need those things anyway - at most it's the difference between paying for and maintaining a house big enough for you, and one big enough for you and the kids, plus a proportion of the food bill. If it were just DP and I living in a one bedroom flat we'd still be paying at least half of what we're paying now. It's not accurate to say most of our money goes on the kids.

I didn't call OP pathetic, nor do I think she is. I get why she's pissed off with his lack of contribution. But I disagree with the sentiment that most parents spend most of their income on their kids.

taxpayer1 · 07/02/2023 15:52

Why not ask for 100% of his wages?

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