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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd11 texting boys - aibu to stop this?

72 replies

Aisforapple11 · 06/02/2023 18:54

My dd got her phone in sept
year 7
she seems obsessed with messaging the boys from her class
it’s not sexual but she will often tell them she likes them
I think it’s to see if they like her back
she has a boyf but keeps telling others she likes them
Some say it back, some reject her, often she keeps going until they like her and then she ends it!
her friends have started to say she’s not mad to and it’s a big thing in conversations

Iv tried to discourage it she doesn’t like it
the other day I again told her not
iv now just found another one from a boy saying that he knows she likes him but he doesn’t like her

I feel like just stopping the phone is this just my problem and I should relax or would you feel the same?
she says she doesn’t care if they reject her she often ends up good friends with them I just hate that she’s coming across like this

I met an old friend with a son the same age the other day and she wanted his number which I stopped as I know she’ll want to tell him she likes him 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
TheGreenOnepls · 06/02/2023 19:05

Iv tried to discourage it she doesn’t like it

Have you asked her what she means by like and explained that it can be read as fancying the boys and being interested in a relationship. She is making herself a target for gossip and will get a reputation, all of which is making her vulnerable. She needs to care less about boys liking her and more about her liking herself.

I'd shut this down sharply and start talking lots about sex and relationships. Get her some good books on puberty and encourage her to take up hobbies. Boys are not a hobby.

Clymene · 06/02/2023 19:07

She has a boyfriend and she's 11? Confused

ChocChipOwl · 06/02/2023 19:09

This can't be real.

She's 11. She has a boyfriend? She has access to all this texting?

You're a few years off this sort of stuff tbh in an ideal world.

I'd remove her phone and I'd put a stop on the boyfriend too. Revisit when she's 13.

DestinysGrandchild · 06/02/2023 19:10

She has a boyfriend at 11?

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 06/02/2023 19:10

I would care very much about this. I'd also be concerned as to why she's seeking constant validation from boys at such a young age. As pp said, you need to be discussing about relationships and you need to be checking her phone regularly. I'm in the strict parenting camp and I think if DD was behaving like this in y7 I'd have taken the phone away and replaced it with a brick, assuming she's got a smart phone and uses sm apps.

FeliciteFaff · 06/02/2023 19:11

I would take the source of the problem away (phone) and teach her about appropriate conversation topics with fellow pupils. Also encourage lots of chats around the subject. Don’t get angry. I know lots of girls in year 7 doing the same. The hormones are raging. The ones doing it have no attention at home. Not saying that’s the same in your case but boundaries are being crossed in a big way. Curb it now. Or it’ll be a bigger problem later. Most Girls this age don’t know about self-respect. Lots of lessons delivered in a supportive loving way is required.

Fairislefandango · 06/02/2023 19:13

She's clearly not mature enough to have a phone yet.

wandkands · 06/02/2023 19:14

Weird

33goingon64 · 06/02/2023 19:17

I believe you because my DS11 had a 'girlfriend' for a few weeks and when I was monitoring his phone there were lots of 'ILY' type messages. There have also been other girls messaging him to ask him to 'rate' them. He is going through puberty early and probably seems more mature to his female peers than the other boys. Your DD could easily be one of these girls. I've talked to him about it and explained that it's not healthy to get others to rate your appearance and that he shouldn't engage in this type of thing if he wants girls to like him. He's a lovely lad but he just needed guidance. Don't be heavy handed about it. Use it as a chance to talk about self respect.

Original poster
Aisforapple11 · 06/02/2023 19:18

TheGreenOnepls · 06/02/2023 19:05

Iv tried to discourage it she doesn’t like it

Have you asked her what she means by like and explained that it can be read as fancying the boys and being interested in a relationship. She is making herself a target for gossip and will get a reputation, all of which is making her vulnerable. She needs to care less about boys liking her and more about her liking herself.

I'd shut this down sharply and start talking lots about sex and relationships. Get her some good books on puberty and encourage her to take up hobbies. Boys are not a hobby.

I know this is my point!
it’s just come out of nowhere
she has a hobby every evening if the week a busy life
I feel sad that this is how she values her own self worth but then I think am I being to adult and is she testing things

a boyfriend as in they say they are going out

but her best friend is like it too - last week they both went out with the same boy 1 was with him then the other the first got back with him! Is this even normal at this age?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aisforapple11 · 06/02/2023 19:19

33goingon64 · 06/02/2023 19:17

I believe you because my DS11 had a 'girlfriend' for a few weeks and when I was monitoring his phone there were lots of 'ILY' type messages. There have also been other girls messaging him to ask him to 'rate' them. He is going through puberty early and probably seems more mature to his female peers than the other boys. Your DD could easily be one of these girls. I've talked to him about it and explained that it's not healthy to get others to rate your appearance and that he shouldn't engage in this type of thing if he wants girls to like him. He's a lovely lad but he just needed guidance. Don't be heavy handed about it. Use it as a chance to talk about self respect.

Oh yes he says Ily but my dd won’t commit to that lol
I genuinely feel dd is collecting them at this point!

OP posts:
Original poster
Aisforapple11 · 06/02/2023 19:20

FeliciteFaff · 06/02/2023 19:11

I would take the source of the problem away (phone) and teach her about appropriate conversation topics with fellow pupils. Also encourage lots of chats around the subject. Don’t get angry. I know lots of girls in year 7 doing the same. The hormones are raging. The ones doing it have no attention at home. Not saying that’s the same in your case but boundaries are being crossed in a big way. Curb it now. Or it’ll be a bigger problem later. Most Girls this age don’t know about self-respect. Lots of lessons delivered in a supportive loving way is required.

This is what worry’s me. Maybe I haven’t given her enough attention I try but with work etc maybe I’m not doing enough

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 06/02/2023 19:20

I can't get my head round the fact that she had a boyfriend at the tender age of eleven.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 06/02/2023 19:22

I think I would talk to her about what is and is t appropriate to text to people. She shouldn’t be texting everyone she know to ask if they like her (I assume by that she means do they fancy her?).

if she can’t use the phone appropriately then it will have to be taken away.

maybe she would benefit from some chats about the difference between friends and boyfriends and how you can get to know people better slowly and judge from how they are if they like you/want to spend more time with you.

does she manage other social situations ok?!

Weedoormatnomore · 06/02/2023 19:23

Sounds like 50% of year 7/8 girls. My DD comes home telling me how A and B have split up after 1 week A is now going out with C. How the girls or boys question people to see who likes their friends. Just so grateful my DD13 is not interested.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 06/02/2023 19:24

I’d be extra careful she isn’t talking to anyone online too. Sounds like she could be vulnerable to online grooming.

londonrach · 06/02/2023 19:24

Remove the phone....until she acts as a normal 11 year old (boyfriend at 11....that's vvvvvvv strange) don't give it back. She sounds vvvvvv immature. Any sens? I know alot of 11 , 12 and 13 year olds...no boyfriends or girlfriend s.

AnyOldThings · 06/02/2023 19:26

Not normal amongst DD or friends. Maybe a couple of girls in year 7 showed more interest in boys but texting them all to say she likes them is odd and it’ll end badly imo.

Original poster
Aisforapple11 · 06/02/2023 19:28

AnyOldThings · 06/02/2023 19:26

Not normal amongst DD or friends. Maybe a couple of girls in year 7 showed more interest in boys but texting them all to say she likes them is odd and it’ll end badly imo.

to be clear not all! Some

OP posts:
Original poster
Aisforapple11 · 06/02/2023 19:29

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 06/02/2023 19:24

I’d be extra careful she isn’t talking to anyone online too. Sounds like she could be vulnerable to online grooming.

She’s 100% not
but the phone is gone tbf as she’s not listening

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 06/02/2023 19:34

I would find this extremely worrying. Tell her this is totally inappropriate and if she keeps this up you will take her phone away. I agree with the poster who said to have a talk about the kind of conversations that are appropriate at that age.

Motnight · 06/02/2023 19:42

She is far too young for any of this. If she is doing it for attention her self worth will end up plummeting.

Clymene · 06/02/2023 19:45

Weedoormatnomore · 06/02/2023 19:23

Sounds like 50% of year 7/8 girls. My DD comes home telling me how A and B have split up after 1 week A is now going out with C. How the girls or boys question people to see who likes their friends. Just so grateful my DD13 is not interested.

She's not 13 though, she's 11. So year 6 or 7.

ForestofD · 06/02/2023 19:48

Get 'Family Link' downloaded as well on the phone- gives you much more control

Original poster
Aisforapple11 · 06/02/2023 19:51

Yeah I have that and I shut the apps off at certain times etc she doesn’t actually have much screen time!

OP posts:
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