Dd11 texting boys - aibu to stop this?

[Aisforapple11]

My dd got her phone in sept
year 7
she seems obsessed with messaging the boys from her class
it’s not sexual but she will often tell them she likes them
I think it’s to see if they like her back
she has a boyf but keeps telling others she likes them
Some say it back, some reject her, often she keeps going until they like her and then she ends it!
her friends have started to say she’s not mad to and it’s a big thing in conversations

Iv tried to discourage it she doesn’t like it
the other day I again told her not
iv now just found another one from a boy saying that he knows she likes him but he doesn’t like her

I feel like just stopping the phone is this just my problem and I should relax or would you feel the same?
she says she doesn’t care if they reject her she often ends up good friends with them I just hate that she’s coming across like this

I met an old friend with a son the same age the other day and she wanted his number which I stopped as I know she’ll want to tell him she likes him 🤦‍♀️

Spot on. 11 year olds do not need phones.

Take the phone away unless she needs it for safe travel.

I would explain that she is not quite ready / mature enough for the phone and take it away. It will escalate and she'll start getting asked for nudes or sent dick pics. It sounds like she needs more of your guidance, and maybe as you say, your attention.

Everyone doubting she has a boyfriend at 11 have never worked in a secondary school. I worked in pastoral support and we had 11 year olds who were in relationships, girls at 12 being put on the pill by their parents and even young teenage pregnancies. It's surprising but it happens unfortunately.

This sounds quite typical of what a lot of girls in my previous school did. Much of it is just childish behaviour and then exploring and experimenting and enjoying all the 'drama' it creates. Try having a sit down conversation with her and properly explain your concerns and give her the opportunity to explain why she is doing this. Keep monitoring her phone and be very cautious that nothing becomes sexual. If you do have any concerns, remove her phone from her and explain clearly to her why you are doing this. I'd make this more about a lesson to her of how to treat others and be kind.

I was boy obsessed as a youngster and it probably started at around that age. The things that would have changed that course for me would have been:

• more emphasis on structure at home. Hobbies, time out and about at the weekends.
• greater expectations from parents
• conversations around having a career and a rich life and what leads to that
• conversations around self worth
• more attention from both parents, but critically from my dad.

Overall I turned out totally fine, but I had to learn self respect as an adult and it was quite a hard lesson. If I were you, I’d remove the phone and start having some very frank and supportive conversations.

My 7 year old has had a girlfriend since reception 😂 it is normal. It’s not a typical adult relationship no, it’s just kids being kids, so no OP your daughter is not abnormal for that, however the texts are definitely not appropriate and I’d also take away the phone

I did and it was 1976. It’s not a new thing.
Nothing dodgy was happening. We held hands a bit at break. Having a boyfriend is not, in itself, a worry. Depends on what it entails.

I'd also be concerned as to why she's seeking constant validation from boys at such a young age.

What media is she watching? We always made an effort to avoid 'love is the only point' stuff from early. No Disney princesses, all girl-adventure! Even now I hear people saying their child is watching Love Island or similar and I'm baffled.

How 'traditional' are your roles at home? Is marriage seen as a goal?

Read Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie on raising girls. She's awesome.

There's a girl like this in my DD (Y8) class.. Ever since they started at Y7, she's been dating someone or other. I think she does like the drama.

Now a few more of them are starting to date but according to DD, they don't do anything like kissing. It mainly seems to be texting each other. Dd was shocked that I'd think it was anything else, but maybe she's particularly innocent.

This needs tackling.
The problem is peer pressure.
She really shouldn't have a boyfriend and you need to explain why but I doubt she'll accept your reasoning.
Good luck OP.

What's the title please? I love Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

I was like this and I turned out ok. BUT I didn't have the internet until I was about 17, it's a bit different now.

@TheGreenOnepls

Dear Ijeawele or a Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions. Written to her friend having a daughter.

I remember when my sons were in year 7, having a boyfriend or girlfriend was a status symbol. The girls were particularly keen to have a boy they could call their boyfriend. They never did anything together, in fact as far as I could tell they barely spoke, but they were nominally a couple, and that's what counted. Each relationship lasted a few weeks, then they'd move on. It was all quite sweet and funny really.

Hmmm... it sounds like she desires attention and to be seen no matter in what way. And that she quite enjoys the stir around her for the same reason.

Can you think of any reason she'd feel unseen in her life? Dad not around? Dad distant? Former bullying? Etc?

I'd go in with compassion not anger - why does she want them to respond

Yes, when I was 11/12 if you had a boyfriend he would buy you sherbet from the corner shop- didn’t care much for interacting with said “boyfriend”, it was all about the status of having the sherbet!

I remember my classmates having boyfriends when we were 11, and they used to go around asking if you were a "virgin lips" ie you haven't been kissed before. I wasn't interested in boys so I found it all really baffling but there was definitely all this stuff about going out with each other and being in love. Obviously all childish nonsense but it happened.

This was also true when I was 11 back in 2006. I had a boyfriend.. we held hands a couple of times that was it.

The thing that hit a nerve with my dc was saying “imagine someone shows all your messages to the head teacher; would you be embarrassed? Always assume your head teacher might be shown any message you send.”

It’s really not that unusual in Year 7 for dc to have “boyfriends”. I’m more shocked by the mnetters who think this is weird. I say this as the mum of 3dds. None of them currently have boyfriends (age 11-15) but at age 8-10 dd3 had a boyfriend.

She's 11 years old and has a boyfriend? Just.... wow.

Far too young to be engaging in all this. Boyfriend at eleven? I would definitely be having a serious chat with her. If she can't understand the implications of her behaviour she is too immature to have a phone.

And if I was a Boy's mother and saw her messages to him I would be speaking to the school.

My ds is nearly 11, and whilst they (his peers) talk a lot about who likes who etc, ive completely shut that down and told him that at this age they are too young for boyfriends and girlfriends.

He has a few girls as friends who come to ours to play or do homework (or play with our cute pets, they seem to be animal lovers) and ive always welcomed them as i would any male friend. I believe is not healthy to view everyone who is opposite sex as a potential mate. So teach her how to be friends with boys without asking them for validation. That will put her in a better mind frame when choosing a real partner ie. someone she really likes and gets on with versus someone who gives her most attention.

In my dd's class (yr6) half the girls have 'boyfriends'. They are just classmates who they passed notes to and who said they would go out with them. It doesn't mean anything. They don't see each other outside of school. Apparently they have a lunch table assigned for 'dates'. My DD isn't interested yet but has helped matchmake. It's been going on since year 4.