Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd11 texting boys - aibu to stop this?

72 replies

Aisforapple11 · 06/02/2023 18:54

My dd got her phone in sept
year 7
she seems obsessed with messaging the boys from her class
it’s not sexual but she will often tell them she likes them
I think it’s to see if they like her back
she has a boyf but keeps telling others she likes them
Some say it back, some reject her, often she keeps going until they like her and then she ends it!
her friends have started to say she’s not mad to and it’s a big thing in conversations

Iv tried to discourage it she doesn’t like it
the other day I again told her not
iv now just found another one from a boy saying that he knows she likes him but he doesn’t like her

I feel like just stopping the phone is this just my problem and I should relax or would you feel the same?
she says she doesn’t care if they reject her she often ends up good friends with them I just hate that she’s coming across like this

I met an old friend with a son the same age the other day and she wanted his number which I stopped as I know she’ll want to tell him she likes him 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 06/02/2023 22:11

Fairislefandango · 06/02/2023 19:13

She's clearly not mature enough to have a phone yet.

Never mind a boyfriend!

mumof1or2 · 06/02/2023 22:17

All these people saying "she has a boyfriend at 11?" like it's the controversy of the century 😩. At 11, a boyfriend is someone they pass notes to, send a few texts to and in reality barely spend any time with. It's a sweet, innocent, childhood rite of passage. They're not planning a family together and getting engaged. People need to chill out!

mumof1or2 · 06/02/2023 22:17

Beachhutnut · 06/02/2023 21:54

In my dd's class (yr6) half the girls have 'boyfriends'. They are just classmates who they passed notes to and who said they would go out with them. It doesn't mean anything. They don't see each other outside of school. Apparently they have a lunch table assigned for 'dates'. My DD isn't interested yet but has helped matchmake. It's been going on since year 4.

This!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 06/02/2023 22:22

I had a boyfriend at eleven and so did a lot of the kids in my place.

Mostly it was holding hands and sitting next to each other in lessons, but some of us did kiss and some stayed "together" for several years until early teens.

It's not the same as a teenage or even an adult relationship. It's just children growing up and exploring the world around them.

glennncoco · 06/02/2023 22:36

A boyfriend???? At 11????
Excellent mn pearl clutching. When I was at school people starting coupling from year 6, it normally consisted of passing notes that say "will u go out with me? Y/n and then barely talking to eachother.

D00rbellSticker · 06/02/2023 23:09

Remove phone

VestaTilley · 06/02/2023 23:18

Take the phone away- she’s far too young, as these messages demonstrate. Be a parent - she doesn’t need a phone at this age.

louise5754 · 07/02/2023 07:16

At that age the definition of "Boyfriend" is someone you have a crush on. They don't go on dates, hang around each others houses, kiss or cuddle. They might play Roblox or chat but it's never about feelings / the future etc.

Even if she was texting females this often I'd be worried.

My dds are 10 and 12. They only have a couple of close female friends numbers in their phones.

Although with apps such as snap chat obviously you can come communicate with most of their school (if they have an account).

Make her realise anyone could forward or screen shot these messages. I know you are often alerted if a screen shot is tahsin but you can use another phone to take a picture.

She probably assumes it's just between them and no one will know.

If this continues at 13 she will loose her friends plus any respect they or the boys have for her.

She's probably excited that she can speak to her class mates out of school. Hopefully it will pass.

Motnight · 07/02/2023 08:17

glennncoco · 06/02/2023 22:36

A boyfriend???? At 11????
Excellent mn pearl clutching. When I was at school people starting coupling from year 6, it normally consisted of passing notes that say "will u go out with me? Y/n and then barely talking to eachother.

@gglennncoco it wasn't people "coupling from year 6" , it was children.

Toddlingturtle · 07/02/2023 08:51

This is totally normal in year 7. They all have boyfriends and they all split up with them after 5 minutes and go out with someone else. It creates some lovely drama but it's totally innocent, they rarely even speak to each other in school and don't actually go anywhere. I settles down by year 8 once they've got over the excitement and tends to ramp up into proper boyfriends where they might actually go out end of year 9 and early year 10 but in my experience, it's all pretty innocent until they're much older.

glennncoco · 07/02/2023 09:39

Oh thanks for the clarification @Motnight 🙄

I don't think that as a parent you will do yourself any favours by trying to pretend that crushes and feelings like this aren't completely normal at that age.

Plumbear2 · 07/02/2023 10:02

It's always been normal for 11 year olds to say they have a boyfriend. Perfectly innocent as have been discribed by many posters. I had one at about 10 years old, never saw him outside school just completely innocent. The difference now is that my experience was before mobiles where invented, this adds a totally new twist to it. For now I think it's best to ditch me mobile and wait untill she is mature enough to handle it

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2023 10:24

The worrying bit is the seeking validation from boys. Time to think about other ways to feel good about yourself while she has a break from the phone. Does she struggle with friendships? Are there activities she feels she is good at?

crackofdoom · 07/02/2023 10:43

Hmmm...DS (just turned 13, Yr 8) has got a girlfriend, and apparently her parents don't know about it because they wouldn't approve. (He has been round there a couple of times, "as friends" 🤔). I'd rather keep the lines of communication open, and be able to talk to him about this "relationship". (We had a chat about sex last night, and he was shocked to the core that I would even suspect he's doing that, I'm not sure they've even kissed yet! 😆) She was the one who messaged him first.

It sounds as if your daughter is laying herself open to gossip and potential bullying if she's messaging all these boys- they do talk between themselves, you know 😬 .Also, if she already has a "boyfriend", shouldn't she be concentrating on him?

I know that Year 7 seems to be very segregated in terms of sexes- perhaps part of it is that she just wants to be friends with and hang out with these boys, and that this is the only acceptable format amongst her peers? Maybe underline how good it is to have simple friends of both sexes, and get to know them as people?

JazbayGrapes · 07/02/2023 11:11

While playing boyfriends/girlfriends at this age can be purely innocent, the texting needs to stop, because its pretty weird. Especially if she has a "boyfriend", he's the only one she's supposed to "like".

cofeetablebook · 07/02/2023 11:18

Just for some anecdata... I had a boyfriend at 12. It went as far as french kissing.

Next boyfriend at 13 and after a year together we had sex when I was 14 (he was 15).

11 isn't too young for a boyfriend IMO, but those years directly afterwards move fast.

Motnight · 07/02/2023 11:23

glennncoco · 07/02/2023 09:39

Oh thanks for the clarification @Motnight 🙄

I don't think that as a parent you will do yourself any favours by trying to pretend that crushes and feelings like this aren't completely normal at that age.

Agree @gglennncoco re the crushes and feelings being normal at that age. I suppose my concern would be how much freedom the child has to act on these.

Movingsoon21 · 07/02/2023 11:46

Agree with @Supertayto . I was the same.

OP please remove her phone until she’s a bit more mature. But also please really make sure she’s getting plenty of positive attention from adults who love her. Is her dad on the scene? If so he needs to spend some quality time with her to raise her self esteem.

please also have a chat with her about not relying on external validation to feel god about herself.

ThisIsBrandNewInformation · 07/02/2023 11:49

This feels so unusual to me. My daughter and her friends didn’t start this stuff till 15/16/17. It’s sad that she needs validation from boys. That’s something to explore.

PollyPut · 07/02/2023 12:34

@Aisforapple11 hmm. Texting multiple people like this needs to stop. She's opening herself up to gossip and the other girls not liking her. I doubt she's thought about either of these things, or the fact that she is leaving a permanent trail of all these communications. I'd take the phone away until she can show that she understands.

Goldenbear · 07/02/2023 13:17

This does seem incredibly young to be interested in or even care for this attention. I have an 11 year old DD and in her first week of Year 7 a boy via a friend asked her to be his girlfriend, this was in the canteen dinner queue and she said it was mortifying. She is just embarrassed by this stuff which I think is probably more typical a response of it happens than actively seeking boys' validation.

Maxineputyourredshoeson1 · 07/02/2023 13:30

Beachhutnut · 06/02/2023 21:54

In my dd's class (yr6) half the girls have 'boyfriends'. They are just classmates who they passed notes to and who said they would go out with them. It doesn't mean anything. They don't see each other outside of school. Apparently they have a lunch table assigned for 'dates'. My DD isn't interested yet but has helped matchmake. It's been going on since year 4.

This! I’m forever hearing who is who’s boyfriend etc

New posts on this thread. Refresh page