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Original poster

Miserable H and 4 year olds parents evening

73 replies

user1188 · 06/02/2023 17:28

But of background, my and H don't love together. We separated around 16 months ago and he hasn't moved back in yet. Probably for reasons like the below.

We see him 3/4 days a week where he comes for tea, spends time with dc. Weekends we spend together too. I wanted to take my time and be sure we were doing the right thing by moving back in so it's a slow process.

H lives at his mums. We both work full time - H self employed with a stressful job. It's important that I point this out as work has been stressful lately and today he has been let down at work meaning it's but a lot of strain on him.

So last night DS wasn't the best behaved. Now I would say nothing major. It was bed time and DS was asking to go downstairs and just generally playing up. H was there while I was trying to calm DS down. DS wasn't crying, or even angry. He just wasn't listening to me. H found this incredibly frustrating and left when DS had gone to sleep - I could tell him was really frustrated by DS behaviour.

Today he's still in a bad mood. Partly it will be because of work but the other part I know is full well because of DS.

I had DS first parents evening this afternoon and it was absolutely lovely! His teacher didn't have a bad word to say about him. Just what a pleasure he is, how good he is and how happy he is. He's very bright and she has no concerns. Amazing right?

Pop in to Dh work afterwards to drop him something off and I mention how well parents evening went. His reply was 'shame he's not like that at home'.

He wasn't proud of his son, happy at how well he's doing (considering everything he's been through with me and his dad - I'm well aware that this could be why he's playing up every now and then. Also well aware that it's typical 4 year old behaviour, he's not my first child)

As soon as he said this comment, I said I was going and left.

I don't understand why he's still in such a bad mood with our 4 year old.

There was another incident a couple of weeks ago where DS really did throw a huge tantrum and the same pattern from H happened for a couple of days. Didn't want to speak to DS and we didn't see him.

This is ridiculous isn't it? He really is stressed at the moment and working all the hours. His living situation isn't great and I get it all. So then I still think I am
I being too hard on him?

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 06/02/2023 17:30

Sounds like you are better off apart tbh. It doesn't sound like your H is cut out to be a full time parent. My ex is similar.

Rainallnight · 06/02/2023 17:30

He’s not able to be a dad to your child. This relationship doesn’t have a future. (Or rather, it shouldn’t).

Original poster
user1188 · 06/02/2023 17:32

cadburyegg · 06/02/2023 17:30

Sounds like you are better off apart tbh. It doesn't sound like your H is cut out to be a full time parent. My ex is similar.

I agree. He has kids from a previous relationship and they are like the golden child. But that's only every other weekend. It's like he can't cope with anymore because he's never had too.

I'm not being rude about my step children here, I have a very close relationship with them and love them to pieces. But this is the way it is. I have numerous examples of bad behaviour from them and nothing is ever done about it. He definitely doesn't treat them like my son. If he's shouted at them for any reason, he feels guilty and apologises.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1188 · 06/02/2023 17:34

Rainallnight · 06/02/2023 17:30

He’s not able to be a dad to your child. This relationship doesn’t have a future. (Or rather, it shouldn’t).

I feel like I'd be walking on eggshells all the time to try avoid DS being naughty to stop H's mood. He also goes quite cold with me also. He would deny this but it's how I feel.

The only thing I can say is right now he isn't spending as much time with DS as he usually does so he's not seeing how good DS actually is.

The other week he called DS a 'horrid child' to his face.

OP posts:
CrkdLttrCrkdLttr · 06/02/2023 17:36

We separated around 16 months ago and he hasn't moved back in yet.

This is one of the strangest sentences I’ve ever read.

Surely people separate because they are incompatible? And the next stage, if married, is to arrange a divorce and restructure their separate lives.

Very hard to understand why you are still expending so much time and energy and headspace on someone who should be your ex-husband.

Original poster
user1188 · 06/02/2023 17:38

CrkdLttrCrkdLttr · 06/02/2023 17:36

We separated around 16 months ago and he hasn't moved back in yet.

This is one of the strangest sentences I’ve ever read.

Surely people separate because they are incompatible? And the next stage, if married, is to arrange a divorce and restructure their separate lives.

Very hard to understand why you are still expending so much time and energy and headspace on someone who should be your ex-husband.

No not always. Not if you think your marriage is worth saving. We both had our individual struggles. Both went off and had individual counselling which we both stuck too. I'm actually proud of that part.

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 06/02/2023 17:38

Stress isn’t any kind of excuse for being horrible, for an extended period of time, in response to pretty normal behaviour from a child. And any parent with half a brain knows children are often better behaved at school than they are at home. I’d make the split permanent OP.

Sunriseinwonderland · 06/02/2023 17:42

He is completely shirking his parental duties and family obligations and behaving like a sullen teenager. What would happen if you felt the same. Would you put DS into care? I couldn't live with someone so completely irresponsible. Your children come first then your own feelings.
I dont think they make Stepford children so he'll have to lump the real version.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 06/02/2023 17:42

You’re not being too hard on your H. He’s being over the top. 4 year old children play up, and the adults in their life need to deal with it and move on, not fester over it for days on end.

id be concerned about him struggling so much with a 4 year old. What’s he going to be like when it’s a 8-9-13 yr old not acting how he wants?

it kind of sounds like your H checks out when things get too difficult. If this is really because of work then he needs to decide what he can do about that. It can’t continue.

Original poster
user1188 · 06/02/2023 17:43

BellaJuno · 06/02/2023 17:38

Stress isn’t any kind of excuse for being horrible, for an extended period of time, in response to pretty normal behaviour from a child. And any parent with half a brain knows children are often better behaved at school than they are at home. I’d make the split permanent OP.

He just can't see it. I've explained it's pretty normal. He's going to have his moments just like any other kid. He refuses to listen to me and says 'no he's just a naughty boy'

And he's not naughty! He's so affectionate and loving.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 06/02/2023 17:43

We separated around 16 months ago and he hasn't moved back in yet.

The use of the word "yet" is bizarre here...

Surely if a man is incapable of stepping up and being a father he doesn't get a second chance? How would it improve yours or your kids' lives for a grumpy, miserable man to move back?

I find it bizarre, after what you've posted here, that you're even considering moving him back in.

How would it enhance your life?

Be pleased you're rid of him and don't entertain the idea of allowing him to move back.

Original poster
user1188 · 06/02/2023 17:54

Thank you all.

I think I should maybe add that it's not like this all the time. 90% of the time H is a very loving dad. Just at the weekend, they had a movie night together and they had a great time. When H is happy then it's fine, I can't fault him. They have a great bond which works both ways. H will always tell DS that he loves him and he's proud of him etc.

It's just when DS plays up even slightly more than usual it turns to shit. Then H will feel bad and apologise.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 06/02/2023 17:56

Your ex is an arsehole and you're proud of the fact that you've accessed counselling which means that one day he can move back in and what self worth you and your son have will be destroyed, wonderful l. You'll have one very angry young man to deal with in the future. It's a shame that neither of you actually have your son's back.

Hoppinggreen · 06/02/2023 18:00

Ponoka7 · 06/02/2023 17:56

Your ex is an arsehole and you're proud of the fact that you've accessed counselling which means that one day he can move back in and what self worth you and your son have will be destroyed, wonderful l. You'll have one very angry young man to deal with in the future. It's a shame that neither of you actually have your son's back.

Exactly.
Be proud of yourself when you minimise the amount of time this man spends around your son

pointythings · 06/02/2023 18:01

He called his own son 'a horrid child' to his face. That's divorce territory right there. He can't handle his child the moment things get slightly tough, and you want to bring him back into the family? No, and no, and no. Put your DS first and do your best to co-parent. This man will never be a good father, he's only able to be a Disney Dad.

Original poster
user1188 · 06/02/2023 18:01

Ponoka7 · 06/02/2023 17:56

Your ex is an arsehole and you're proud of the fact that you've accessed counselling which means that one day he can move back in and what self worth you and your son have will be destroyed, wonderful l. You'll have one very angry young man to deal with in the future. It's a shame that neither of you actually have your son's back.

Absolutely not! He hasn't moved back in for that very reason! I put my son first 100% and I can predict what the future could look like which is why I have been very careful.

H has an huge amount of past trauma (none of it his fault) and I wanted to give him the chance to sort it out. And then it's a fact of 'time will tell' to see if anything had changed. Somethings have for the better but the main issues are slowly creeping back in which I'm straight away recognising.

I won't have anyone say I don't have my sons back.

OP posts:
JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 06/02/2023 18:04

Well, I think he sounds like a miserable, shitty, unsupportive drain. He doesn’t actively parent, he flees when he can’t be arsed anymore, he takes his own bad moods out on his four-year-old child, he treats his other kids better than he does your son, he dips in and out of family life, and he’s more than happy to leave you to do all the grunt work.

Trauma and counselling or no trauma and counselling, he sounds inadequate to me.

TwilightSkies · 06/02/2023 18:06

He doesn’t want to speak to his 4 year old for days? That’s so far from normal, you sound like you are minimising it.

You really need to think about how that’s going to affect your son long-term.

Ponoka7 · 06/02/2023 18:10

You've said yourself that he hasn't move back in, yet. This isn't trauma related, or he couldn't parent any of his children. You don't seem able to tell him straight. Being a victim of trauma doesn't mean that people can't be honest when you are behaving in a damaging way towards your children. It doesn't mean that he gets to abuse you (ignoring/going cold etc is as much abuse as shouting). He puts conditions on how he treats his four year old. It doesn't matter if it is only part of the time, your son is going to grow up with no self esteem and very anxious. He doesn't get to ruin your child's mental health because he's sees himself as a victim of trauma. Could you phone your ex and tell him how you feel? The downer he put on parent's evening? It seems you've been well trained to walk on egg shells already. The issue with counseling is that quite rightly it focuses on the person, but that never helps the children. Someone has to say enough is enough.

Original poster
user1188 · 06/02/2023 18:12

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 06/02/2023 18:04

Well, I think he sounds like a miserable, shitty, unsupportive drain. He doesn’t actively parent, he flees when he can’t be arsed anymore, he takes his own bad moods out on his four-year-old child, he treats his other kids better than he does your son, he dips in and out of family life, and he’s more than happy to leave you to do all the grunt work.

Trauma and counselling or no trauma and counselling, he sounds inadequate to me.

It took a long time for him to go to counselling. He found one of his parents who had commit suicide. It has obviously left him some deep deep trauma.

I've spent years being as understanding as I can, trying to make everything better for him. He had counselling at the start but it wasnt enough. He spent all last year in therapy.

I just don't think anything will be enough unfortunately. There's a lot more added to the story but I don't think any amount of counselling would help him. He can go weeks/ months even and be fine but it doesn't take much for him to go into a bad mood.

It really affected me at the time, I've done my best but I can't make things better for him unfortunately

OP posts:
NameNight · 06/02/2023 18:12

Being a full-time parent is hard and not everyone can do it or should, sounds like he is someone like that

CantGetDecentNickname · 06/02/2023 18:14

16 months is a long time and he still isn't ready to move back or you to have him back? You need to decide how long are you going to give him before you start the process to live separately with him not staying round yours, but having contact times when he does parenting on his own, in his own place. If you don't do this, this situation could go on for years.

You said "He has kids from a previous relationship and they are like the golden child. But that's only every other weekend. It's like he can't cope with anymore because he's never had too." Maybe you should say this to him. You cannot keep a 4 year on on their best behaviour when he visits; quite impossible. Also, it is perfectly normal to have a teacher compliment you on your angelic model child that you simply don't recognise! Of course they're different at home. He ought to know this if he has older kids, but like you have said, has not spent much time with them. He really is a Disney Dad, sorry.

Sleepless1096 · 06/02/2023 18:15

Why do you think you and your DS would be happier long-term if he moved back in?

The job of a parent is not to enjoy your children when they're all sweetness and light and to ignore them the rest of the time. It's to be their safe place and to help them control and work through their emotions and learn appropriate behaviour. If he can't exercise any control over his own emotions so he can behave appropriately to your small child, he's not a fit person to be around him and you should try to minimise their time together.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 06/02/2023 18:18

Quite possibly his behaviour is a result of trauma but really, does it matter? If he can’t get a handle on it he will pass that trauma intergenerationally to your son.

whatever the reason he just doesn’t sound resilient enough to be a a good and stable to your son and that’s what you need to base your decision on. Every time your child misbehaves and dad loses his temper then disappears your son learns again that his feelings and behaviour are damaging and dangerous. So dangerous that the people he loves will leave if his behaviour isn’t ‘good’.

He’ll carry that his whole life and it’ll impact every relationship he has unless he can identify and tackle it in his own therapy. Act now before that message gets ingrained.

LividNC · 06/02/2023 18:21

I’m actually in a similar situation except the split is very recent.

I have a list of incidents of this type (and worse, but these little ones are the ones that are easy to forget when you’re feeling forgiving) that will help me stay strong and NEVER go back.

My H is also much better as a pt dad and cannot handle stress. I’m done with it, though we have to coparent together.