Miserable H and 4 year olds parents evening

[user1188]

But of background, my and H don't love together. We separated around 16 months ago and he hasn't moved back in yet. Probably for reasons like the below.

We see him 3/4 days a week where he comes for tea, spends time with dc. Weekends we spend together too. I wanted to take my time and be sure we were doing the right thing by moving back in so it's a slow process.

H lives at his mums. We both work full time - H self employed with a stressful job. It's important that I point this out as work has been stressful lately and today he has been let down at work meaning it's but a lot of strain on him.

So last night DS wasn't the best behaved. Now I would say nothing major. It was bed time and DS was asking to go downstairs and just generally playing up. H was there while I was trying to calm DS down. DS wasn't crying, or even angry. He just wasn't listening to me. H found this incredibly frustrating and left when DS had gone to sleep - I could tell him was really frustrated by DS behaviour.

Today he's still in a bad mood. Partly it will be because of work but the other part I know is full well because of DS.

I had DS first parents evening this afternoon and it was absolutely lovely! His teacher didn't have a bad word to say about him. Just what a pleasure he is, how good he is and how happy he is. He's very bright and she has no concerns. Amazing right?

Pop in to Dh work afterwards to drop him something off and I mention how well parents evening went. His reply was 'shame he's not like that at home'.

He wasn't proud of his son, happy at how well he's doing (considering everything he's been through with me and his dad - I'm well aware that this could be why he's playing up every now and then. Also well aware that it's typical 4 year old behaviour, he's not my first child)

As soon as he said this comment, I said I was going and left.

I don't understand why he's still in such a bad mood with our 4 year old.

There was another incident a couple of weeks ago where DS really did throw a huge tantrum and the same pattern from H happened for a couple of days. Didn't want to speak to DS and we didn't see him.

This is ridiculous isn't it? He really is stressed at the moment and working all the hours. His living situation isn't great and I get it all. So then I still think I am
I being too hard on him?

With all due respect - I've just re registered to Mumsnet and this is my first post though I'm well aware of how it works.

I completely understand view points on here. It hurts that some think I'm not putting my son first. I absolutely adore my children. They are 100% my priority. You have to understand that this isn't an every day thing. It isn't even a weekly thing, or even monthly to be honest. Those who think I'm minimising, im not.

The last 2 weeks there have been 2 incidents which is why I'm worrying. DS is clearly going through a stage where it affects his behaviour. Now im worried this is the start of something which I absolutely will not let it go any further. It's like dealing with a teenager.

What happened to him severely affected me too. It wasn't my parent but we were so close. I couldn't carry him along any longer and I know I can't do it now. I've come too far.

Is it possible you have lost sight of how poor the 4 year old’s behaviour has become at home? I can’t see how the confusion in your marriage would help him tbh. Your husband sounds like a misery however I don’t know what response you thought you would possibly get calling in the middle of the working day to a busy and stressed out person when it was not urgent. I would be pissed off at this regardless of the news. I think there are bigger problems between you. It must be very confusing for the 4 year old especially if daddy blows hot and cold

Move forward and end the marriage instead of dragging it out with everyone discontented and disappointed in each other. The current situation does nobody any favours.

You can't really do an open ended trial separation when a child is involved. You need to make a very clear and firm decision - is this man good enough for you or not? Then stick to it and explain the situation to your child. Uncertainty and ambiguity is really destabilising for a child and may be the route cause of your child misbehaving.

I’m f you haven’t already please (discreetly) read the Lundy Bancroft book ‘Why Does He Do That?’ before you make a decision about your partner moving back in. You can download it on kindle app.

If you haven’t (no I’m 🤦🏻‍♀️)

90% of the time is not enough to be a good enough parent. That's 36.5 days a year that he's not a good enough parent. More than a month.

Guy needs a stern talking to.

One thing to consider in this situation is your partner’s reaction to your son if he had to be solely responsible for him, full time. If the worst were to happen to you and you couldn’t care for your boy, how would your partner cope then? He wouldn’t be able to absent himself for days at a time and if he wouldn’t be able to do it if you aren’t there, he sure as hell shouldn’t be doing it just because you are.

When the time comes to have a conversation about HIS behaviour - not your son’s - I would make sure he was patently aware of this.

Your son is 4. They have a tendency not to behave how their parents want them to, and if he doesn’t remember that from his older children, he really is a knob!!!

Today he's still in a bad mood. Partly it will be because of work but the other part I know is full well because of DS.

I’m not being rude but I wonder how much is ‘because of DS’ and how much is because of you.

You separated and are now trialing being back together and he’s apparently hoping that he’ll be allowed to move back home to be with his family - but nothing you’ve said makes it sound like he’s making much effort to want to come back home.

Most men who are trying to get back with someone are over the top with affection and begging to be a family etc but in the scenarios you’ve described he’s miserable and moaning.

I wonder how much is him actually not wanting to move back and deal with the day to day stress.
At the minute he gets to see you both for a short amount of time and then go back to his mums whilst you deal with everything on a day to day.
He has it perfect.

How often does he have his son stay at his mums with him so you can get a break?

Being overly critical of a 4yo? Blaming a 4yo for his own mood? Comparing and treating him unfavourably to his half siblings? Yeah sorry but he sounds like an emotionally abusive asshole. Just like my ex.

With my ex it was a constant stream of belittling comments and put downs, sarcastic remarks (just like your ‘D’H with the parents evening comment). Calling him horrid and naughty?? WTF? I got out in the end but not before my kids had become terrified of doing even the slightest thing that might ‘make daddy cross’, even like accidentally knocking over a glass of water - I will never ever forget the total panic and fear on their faces in anticipation of his reaction.

All your son will learn is that if he’s less than ‘perfect’ daddy won’t love him. And he and you will walk around on eggshells in your own home trying desperately to not upset him, apologising profusely for the slightest error. Or your son might eventually think fuck it, nothing I do is good enough, and act out worse.

When you find yourself increasingly modifying not only your own behaviour but ‘worrying’ about your small child’s, that’s a sure sign that this is NOT healthy.

And your husbands expectations of how your son (and you?) need to behave will get slowly and surely higher and higher until you are living in dread of doing something ‘wrong’ because you know the tantrum and sulking and venom that will result.

I second reading ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft.

DO NOT let him back in the home.

I think you need to make it a permanent separation. We are all busy and stressed but that is not an excuse to be horrible to your children. Is he capable of handling your DS when you’re not there?

Pretty much every weekend he goes with his dad to his nanas for one night and they have a great time. This is the thing. The part that puzzles me. It's him that wants that time, not me asking for it. He takes him to his weekly football training too - again that's because he wants too.

He constantly worries about him. Whenever DS gets a cold he worries, always checking his temperature etc. I'll be saying it's a bit of a cold and he will be going to the chemist to stock up on calpol.

Like I've said, when H is himself - I mean with no stress, he's great.

We had a lovely few weekends away last year, some just me H and DS and another was with all the dc. It was great.

I know H is stressed now with work but I also know that's no excuse. This side of him that I've seen the last couple of weeks hasn't been around for a long time and naive me thought it had disappeared 🤦🏻‍♀️

Equally DS is usually very good, he hasn't shown any bad behaviour in a long time and genuinely is a very happy boy. He's just started a new pre school which is what I'm putting the behaviour down to believe it or not. But again I've discussed this with H and he's having none of it. There's no reason for his behaviour, he's just naughty.

☝️☝️☝️

Yes and he's fine. This is the thing. I was angry when I wrote my post and probably didn't add parts that I should. He regularly looks after him on his own - over night stays and they have a great time. I've honestly had no reason to worry until these last couple of weeks when everything changed.

He takes him to his weekly sport classes, for his hair cutting and even to the dentist - he hates the dentist and copes better going with his dad than me.

Right now I wouldn't let the over night stays happen.

It’s easy to play dad on a part time basis when the child is on their best behaviour (because they know if they are not then daddy rejects them).

Far more difficult to be a dad all the time, and live your child unconditionally even when things are tough.

Well, I think he sounds like a miserable, shitty, unsupportive drain.

Agreed. It is not up to you to manage your DS so he doesn't trigger Shit Dad Mode even 10% of the time.

You make a lot of excuses for your estranged husband’s behaviour. He is capable of looking after your son, why don’t you want him to have your son overnight? Are you afraid it would lead to your husband spending less time with you?

An adult goes in the huff with a 4yo for days? Wtaf. Sounds like he doesn't like his own child.

@Eyerollcentral no you're missing my point sorry. I mean with the mood H is in at this moment, I wouldn't let the over night stays happen. If he rang me this evening and asked if DS could stay with him I would say no. - Not that he would do this anyway!

He stayed with his dad at the weekend and I had no issues with that and they had a nice evening. They do every weekend.

I'm not making excuses. I apologise if it's coming across that way. I was just angry when I wrote my post. It was the first thing I did when I got back.

I think it's important to say that up until recently everything has been fine. It's the past 2 weeks where DS has thrown a tantrum and it's just caused an absolute atmosphere.

We all have stressful days, we all snap at our kids. We don't always get parenting right and I get that but being still angry at a 4 year old the day after a tantrum has just got red flags all over it unfortunately.

Im starting to wonder is he's just been showing good behaviour for so long and now the cracks are beginning to show. I just wanted to give him the chance, it's easy to say run. But when you love someone and you've seen someone suffer such unimaginable things it's hard to do so. It changed everything.

He doesn't seem to right now! When he has a bit of stress in life. Yet when he's happy, he's a different story.

Explain he cannot sulk and hold a grudge against a 4 year old.
You discipline them, explain what they should do next time, move on.
Id agree what is appropriate as discipline with him and be very sure you include sulking or frosty behaviour is not a mature way to behave.

I do understand. The thing is this set up doesn’t seem to be working for any of you - your son is acting up, you are annoyed and your husband is pissed off. As other posters have said if he wants your relationship to survive he should be pulling out all the stops. He doesn’t seem to be. You appear to be bending over backwards. I’m not saying run, but everything is all muddled up here. Does he want to get back with you full time and do you want to take him back full time? Maybe it is better if he sees his son without you there for a while. Unless you have serious concerns about his parenting it’s not for you to really say if your husband can have him overnight or not. You are both the parents. Sort out your relationship with your husband before all else

@Eyerollcentral he's desperate to start living as a family again. In that respect he's been really patient. We've don't own a property (sadly I'm thankful for this) and I wanted us to move and start a fresh all together. We've been a viewed a couple of rentals last week and had more lined up this week.

I explained that I wanted to be as sure as I could that things would be different before living together again. The first 3 months of our separation we were both adamant our marriage was done but gradually we've realised that we wanted things to work, both went to individual counselling.

He still pays half the rent and half of everything. He's been ready for a while to live together full time again where as I listened to my gut which has been saying 'not yet'.

Clearly 'not yet' for a reason. I probably subconsciously know nothings changed. He is severely damaged. He does well keep a lid on things but then when the stress adds up he just can't cope. It's either that or he's putting on a huge act and pretending to be someone he isn't. Possibly a bit of both I suspect.

The thing is all my family and friends have seen this huge change in him. He's closer than ever to my mum and sister. It's just all sad really.

I just don't want to cause anymore damage to my son so I don't think it's worth having that conversation. When he's in that mood then there's literally nothing you can do but wait for him to snap out of it and then he apologises - not always but most of the time. Like I say, it's not frequent. I'd be long gone if it was. He can be 'normal' for months.

It used to really upset me but now I just leave him to get on with it and snap out of it himself. The more I try talk to him the more annoyed he gets so it's pointless

Thank fuck your poor little boy doesn't have to live with a moody prick sulking with him for being a normal 4 year old. For DAYS! Stonewalling is abusive especially against a child. What a total arsehole.