Miserable H and 4 year olds parents evening

[user1188]

But of background, my and H don't love together. We separated around 16 months ago and he hasn't moved back in yet. Probably for reasons like the below.

We see him 3/4 days a week where he comes for tea, spends time with dc. Weekends we spend together too. I wanted to take my time and be sure we were doing the right thing by moving back in so it's a slow process.

H lives at his mums. We both work full time - H self employed with a stressful job. It's important that I point this out as work has been stressful lately and today he has been let down at work meaning it's but a lot of strain on him.

So last night DS wasn't the best behaved. Now I would say nothing major. It was bed time and DS was asking to go downstairs and just generally playing up. H was there while I was trying to calm DS down. DS wasn't crying, or even angry. He just wasn't listening to me. H found this incredibly frustrating and left when DS had gone to sleep - I could tell him was really frustrated by DS behaviour.

Today he's still in a bad mood. Partly it will be because of work but the other part I know is full well because of DS.

I had DS first parents evening this afternoon and it was absolutely lovely! His teacher didn't have a bad word to say about him. Just what a pleasure he is, how good he is and how happy he is. He's very bright and she has no concerns. Amazing right?

Pop in to Dh work afterwards to drop him something off and I mention how well parents evening went. His reply was 'shame he's not like that at home'.

He wasn't proud of his son, happy at how well he's doing (considering everything he's been through with me and his dad - I'm well aware that this could be why he's playing up every now and then. Also well aware that it's typical 4 year old behaviour, he's not my first child)

As soon as he said this comment, I said I was going and left.

I don't understand why he's still in such a bad mood with our 4 year old.

There was another incident a couple of weeks ago where DS really did throw a huge tantrum and the same pattern from H happened for a couple of days. Didn't want to speak to DS and we didn't see him.

This is ridiculous isn't it? He really is stressed at the moment and working all the hours. His living situation isn't great and I get it all. So then I still think I am
I being too hard on him?

DS had a bit of a wobble earlier - it was fine. I sorted it and lovely cuddles after but all I could think was thank god H isn't here!

In fairness @user1188 he is living back at his mother’s. Of course he wants to be back in his own place. I’m just saying you are concentrating on everything else here bar the only thing that matters - your relationship with him. Your mum and sister shouldn’t have really had any thing more to do with him if you were really separated. It’s you who is going to have to live with this situation. Let him look after your son separately at his mum’s and you think, really think, about if you want this relationship to continue. Your gut seems to be saying no and that’s the best guide you will ever have

You are walking on eggshells and trying to justify his behaviour.

Never let him back in @user1188 your home and your son sounds much happier without him.

This speaks VOLUMES

Ah, no way! He is not just a naughty boy. I would not tolerate anyone saying that about my son and would never countenance being with anyone who thought it. Protect your son, do not let him be exposed to this toxic attitude.

Saying someone is a good father 90% of the time, when he doesn't even live with is child, doesn't make him sound good. Disney dads do better than that! I think, for the moment, it would be best if your husband stays a part-time father until he sorts himself out and can be trusted not to emotionally damage his small child.

I think you have a good perspective here. Yes your dh was traumatised but that’s not your 4 year olds fault and it sounds like you’ve done everything you can for him and your child needs everything you have left to give, not your h. He can’t come back to live with a small child if he’s going to tell him he’s horrible and not talk to him for days.

Sounds like your H thinks your son’s behaviour reflects on him personally, so he takes the ‘bad’ behaviour as a personal failing. The sulking is manipulative behaviour 101. The kind of thing when an adult says ‘look how sad I am that you don’t want to hug me goodbye.’ It teaches the child to go against their own feelings to please the adult. Your H doesn’t seem to have grasped that your son is a separate entity.
Successful co parenting is probably your best outcome here. Your son will need respite time from his father.

I think you know the right thing to do op (I don’t say that lightly and know marriages take hard word and compromise)

but I would just break free now & don’t stay too involved with him (imagine the relief not having to deal with his negativity and stress)

congrats to your little boy on doing so well - teacher seems very happy

He doesn't sound like he deserves to spend time around your lovely son. Bin him off. Is that really what you want your 4 year old to think about himself? That because he behaves like a 4 year old, he's naughty and horrid and deserves to be ignored by his dad for 4 days? How can he expect a 4 year old to regulate his emotions and behaviour if he can't do that himself, as a grown man?
What a pathetic excuse of a man.

4 is still really little.
There is no excuse for H behaviour, it's ridiculous for an adult parent to sulk because their child is being their age.
Of course your DS behaviour isn't the same as his older children. He is 4!
He is not ready to move back in if he can't cope with normal child behaviour, he needs to be a support to you not a moody hindrance.

@user1188 YOU are minimising your H's treatment of your son.
YOU don't have your son's back.
YOU are NOT thinking of your child.
YOUR son is 4 years old and will soon realise that his father isn't nice to him and his mum let's his father get away with it.
Stress is never an excuse.

Your dh sounds jealous of his son, your dh behaves as if he is dating you and gets annoyed at not being centre stage and attention.
The focus of a good Dad would on praising his son not criticising him.

I'll take all points. Like I say this is my first post on my new Mumsnet account.

I'm going to leave it here. I know what I need to do going forward. I won't be posting again. When I left H I was called a horrible person by someone on here. I was called selfish and a bad wife by another. I was told I was told I had no empathy and he would be better off without me. When I told him to leave when he was having a breakdown. There were a few understanding people but the majority went with him and i was BU.

I then did another post and again I was slated so I deleted my account completely. For some reason I expected to be slated again.

☝️he does not sound like good father material. Sorry OP.

I just think imagine how horrible it would be if he did move back in. He is only with you 3/4 nights a week and you still have to appease, walk on egg shells so as not to promote a bad mood or him snapping at your very young child. This to me smacks of abusive behaviour from your dh in response to what is very normal small child behaviour. He should have been so proud of a good parent's evening, instead he threw it back in your ds's face, which makes me thing each time your child achieves something your dc will feel its never good enough. The 90% of the time being nice isn't good enough, and I think it's time to talk to a solicitor.

You must feel as though you can't win on here, OP. You've obviously gone through a really tough time, and of course on a MN thread, people will only focus on the one aspect of your life that you bring to it. I don't think that I saw your previous thread, but if it was about a traumatised DH, that's the bit people would focus on. They wouldn't necessarily think any further about the wider picture. But today they're focused on your boy.

The whole thing is sad. Your DH is clearly very damaged, and no longer the person that he would have been (presumably the person he is when all is well in his world) so some of the names he's been called on here are really unpleasant. It seems he's worked really hard on his counselling etc, but the damage is too deep to ever be completely mended.
So sadly for both of you, your focus has to be on protecting your son. And having DH back looks unlikely to be good for him.

@saraclara thank you for understanding. It's so difficult, my son is and always will be my priority despite what's been said on here. My reason to end my marriage when I did was all because of him and I didn't want him to end up with any sort of trauma. I had to give H a chance, he really did throw himself into counselling and make some positive changes. As did I - I needed therapy too and I'm so proud of how I've come.

I've not heard from H, I just don't understand how an innocent 4 year old child can cause this. It baffles me.

The 4 year old didn’t. Your husband being a bad tempered prick did. Please, please end the relationship. You are clinging on to pride here. It’s not working

If I went in a mood and stopped speaking to my DS every time he played up I'd never speak a word to him again 😂 your DH needs to get a bloody grip. Your poor son getting the silent treatment and having his achievements dampened by this miserable sod. I had a father similar to this (although a lot more abusive) but this is how it starts IMO.

He's getting the silent treatment in that he hasn't seen his dad for a couple of days but that's nothing new to DS.

To be fair, it's more me getting the silent treatment! DS is absolutely oblivious that H is being a twat. DS wasn't with me when I told H about parents evening thank goodness.

H says DS only acts up when he's around. DS does tend to go into tantrum more slightly more when his dads there but it's not always. The issue is when it's just me and DS, I deal with the behaviour and move on. When H is there it just turns into this massive thing.

Sorry @user1188 it sounds like your son hasn’t got a clue what is going on. You can’t continue with this set up it’s not fair on him. Separate properly and let your husband see him separately to you.