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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DH is neglecting DD.

52 replies

Vivi00 · 05/02/2023 22:03

This is a vent : I've been at work today 12.5 hour shift , I don't work every weekend but sometimes. I left home at 6:45 and returned at 20.30. DD is 9 , first off the house was a complete shit tip. DH has taken her out for a meal and was sat playing videogames. I came home DD had not done her maths and English homework so I helped her. Her uniform wasn't sorted and swimming stuff for tomorrow. He hasn't put the bins out or cleaned the cats bowl! These are jobs that we have always done on Sundays.. To top it off he hadn't prompted her to do peak flow as she's being assessed for asthma. The supermarket delivery came and I ended up putting most of it away and preparing her packed lunch for tomorrow.

I basically hit the roof and told him he's neglecting her , she's not a baby just basic prompting is all that's needed. He said he had sorted out the garden and I said what's the fucking priority the garden or your child. He then said what's there to be stressed about , you are just being moody. I feel like I need to think for everyone even after a really long day.

Do I need to write a fucking list of what needs to be done? Who can be that stupid 😡😡

OP posts:
Flowersintheattic57 · 05/02/2023 22:07

You are right, he is being a shit parent. In his mind he probably sees parenting as your job and his as your helper. Same with the house. He is absolutely taking the piss.

StellaElevator · 05/02/2023 22:08

You’re not wrong to be upset with him but your terminology makes a mockery of the children across the UK who actually suffer neglect so YABU.

AuntSallie · 05/02/2023 22:10

While I understand the frustration that your DH did the garden instead of the house, and took your DD9 out for a meal instead of cooking one, YABVU to accuse him of child neglect.

In addition DD9 is old enough to start sorting some of her own school things and getting her homework done.

Original poster
Vivi00 · 05/02/2023 22:11

AuntSallie · 05/02/2023 22:10

While I understand the frustration that your DH did the garden instead of the house, and took your DD9 out for a meal instead of cooking one, YABVU to accuse him of child neglect.

In addition DD9 is old enough to start sorting some of her own school things and getting her homework done.

I just expect him to prompt her , she can do most of it herself she just forgets.

OP posts:
Wonderfulbutwornout · 05/02/2023 22:15

I think your anger is pointed in the wrong direction. Your child hasn’t been neglected. But he’s been a lazy shit all day. I’d been fuming about the lack of chores done after a 12.5hr day at work.

Sunriseinwonderland · 05/02/2023 22:15

Reading this I'm so glad I divorced my useless man child. I could not cope with this behaviour any more. Id literally go insane.
Why do we still have to put up with this shit. We have evolved, men are still stuck in the past. They are making themselves defunct.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 05/02/2023 22:16

It's not neglect, but he's letting you shoulder too much of the burden

AnotherEmma · 05/02/2023 22:20

LTB, YWBU not to, if this is usual for him

Theunamedcat · 05/02/2023 22:20

It is fucking neglectful behaviour just how low does the bar need to be for fucks sake you don't need to do the garden in February or play video games why is it OK to not bother to do BASIC things peak flow homework tomorrow's food bloody lazy

Onnabugeisha · 05/02/2023 22:21

Vivi00 · 05/02/2023 22:11

I just expect him to prompt her , she can do most of it herself she just forgets.

Show quote history

The discomfort I have with you saying he is neglecting her, is that child neglect is the type of child abuse that kills the most children in the U.K.

You have just accused your DH of the worst type of child abuse that exists.

Neglect is more than lazy parenting.

Failing to prompt your child to do their homework or a peak flow categorically isn’t neglect (and I have asthma as do two of my DC).

I understand why you are frustrated and angry that a lot you rightly expected would be done did not get done and to discuss that with him. But he hasn’t neglected your child and you were unreasonable to accuse him of child neglect in a moment of anger. It’s also using your child as a pawn in a row about prioritising different household chores of garden vs house, and to remember to prompt your DD to do her homework.

GoodChat · 05/02/2023 22:22

He hasn't neglected her. He's just had a lazy day. It's not great but yes YABU to accuse him of neglect.

Is this usual behaviour for him?

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 05/02/2023 22:23

Unfortunately a list is often what they need, spelt out in a way that they can't get it wrong. E.g hang out the washing in the morning and don't leave it in the machine until 3pm when it's getting dark at 5pm!

Fortunately my DH is proactive at anything food related like cooking or making lunches but things like tidying up as he goes seems to be a concept he can't grasp. How on Earth he makes such a mess in a few hours is beyond me but I now just tell him to go tidy up the kitchen/put his shoes away/move his coat rather than sorting it myself.

I am absolutely teaching my DCs to know how to respect a house so their future partners don't have this issue!

LorW · 05/02/2023 22:24

Onnabugeisha · 05/02/2023 22:21

The discomfort I have with you saying he is neglecting her, is that child neglect is the type of child abuse that kills the most children in the U.K.

You have just accused your DH of the worst type of child abuse that exists.

Neglect is more than lazy parenting.

Failing to prompt your child to do their homework or a peak flow categorically isn’t neglect (and I have asthma as do two of my DC).

I understand why you are frustrated and angry that a lot you rightly expected would be done did not get done and to discuss that with him. But he hasn’t neglected your child and you were unreasonable to accuse him of child neglect in a moment of anger. It’s also using your child as a pawn in a row about prioritising different household chores of garden vs house, and to remember to prompt your DD to do her homework.

Show quote history

This. I was neglected as a child, that included not being fed for days at a time, always being freezing cold and always unwashed. This is not neglect.

OoooohMatron · 05/02/2023 22:30

Neglect. Bit harsh, but the laziness and complete lack of respect would have made me go nuclear. YANBU.

Onnabugeisha · 05/02/2023 22:41

LorW · 05/02/2023 22:24

This. I was neglected as a child, that included not being fed for days at a time, always being freezing cold and always unwashed. This is not neglect.

Show quote history

@LorW
Me too. Seems we think alike on this for good reason. 🌼

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 05/02/2023 22:46

Firstly, he thinks just being there is enough, and by being there, he’s exempt from other jobs.

And secondly, he sees it as doing you a favour while you’re at work.

TimeToFlyNow · 05/02/2023 22:49

Not doing the peak flow is neglectful imo, the rest is him just being a lazy unhelpful bastard who knows you'll pick up the slack

I'm quite thankful to be single these days after years of an unhelpful bastard

PennyRa · 05/02/2023 22:55

I get that you had a long days work and it probably feels unfair that they got to have a lazy Sunday, but thats not neglect

albapunk · 05/02/2023 22:59

You're child has been fed, spent time with a parent presumably having a lovely time chatting over the meal etc, has a roof over her head etc
I know at 9 I would have loved a lazy day and giggled to myself about potentially getting away with not doing homework!

DH has been lazy? yes. Neglectful? No.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 05/02/2023 23:17

Your DD is nine years old. Write her a list. Do your homework. Get your uniform ready. Take Asthma test. Make your lunch. etc.

Novatherova · 05/02/2023 23:17

Totally with you. They are ridiculous at times and very selfish.

Hope you're OK.

Novatherova · 05/02/2023 23:18

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 05/02/2023 22:46

Firstly, he thinks just being there is enough, and by being there, he’s exempt from other jobs.

And secondly, he sees it as doing you a favour while you’re at work.

This

ASimpleLampoon · 05/02/2023 23:32

GeorgiaGirl52 · 05/02/2023 23:17

Your DD is nine years old. Write her a list. Do your homework. Get your uniform ready. Take Asthma test. Make your lunch. etc.

Oh yes Let's put all the responsibility on a 9 year old. God forbid an adult male be made accountable for anything. Fucking pathetic.

ehb102 · 05/02/2023 23:35

It might not be neglect to a criminal or abusive level but it totally is neglect.

Onnabugeisha · 05/02/2023 23:41

ehb102 · 05/02/2023 23:35

It might not be neglect to a criminal or abusive level but it totally is neglect.

No it’s not. Taking your child out to eat, working in the garden with them, and then playing video games with them on a Sunday is not neglect of any sort. The only neglect is not getting enough housework done.

I think this thread would be entirely different if it were a DH coming home and whinging about a dirty cat bowl and the wifey doing the garden instead of scrubbing floors, and how dare she go out for a meal instead of cooking her DCs food from scratch and be so lazy as to play video games with them on a Sunday afternoon.